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I wanted to thank EVERYONE here for your generosity of spirit and thoughts.  I'm taking it all in and I do appreciate you taking the time to lend your help.  My pain will always be with me, it puts a "used" to be mirror of a chef, athlete (marathon , 20K Meters per day swimmer, martial artist, etc.), but I've learned it doesn't define me.  Major depression and serious depressive swings may also be with me the rest of my life, have always been prone to them but it's been more of a serious issue more often since developing this condition.  But I've learned to fight back.  I've got a beautiful wife and son, good health providers, and as of a couple of weeks ago, a beautiful new pup, Murphy, who makes for paroxysms of laughter daily.

I wanted to keep it brief, because I've taken up a lot of bandwidth already.  I don't want to make this seem terse, after all you've given, but I can ramble so I'll list a few things.

1. My entire cooking life, the heart of why, has indeed been love, Linda.  The best mirror I can probably put up would be Babette's Feast.  The greatest pleasure I've known in life has been to feed people, and to do it as well as I can, to share foods and ways to treat them that may be new, but always, will give pleasure.
2. I've been cooking, I think, since probably 7 or so.  Started with my mom's books, incl. some series (I think it might have been time life?) that covered foods internationally with each volume, and it was the height of my week to do weekly "international nights" for the family.  Ranged from Jewish, Japanese, French, right of memory now.
3. By 13 or so, my mom gave me Jacques Pépin's La Technique, and I went nuts.  I heard him, when he said, learn technique, and you gain freedom.  I worked the book cover to cover, over and over.  I couldn't believe the world inside those pages, couldn't believe a kid from suburban southern California was doing this...true French cooking. Background, French blooded, had the fleur de lys above my bed by 5 or so, and was fairly fluent by the time I was 11 or so - by 14, thanks to the good graces of Mme. Lewis, whom I still love and still thank for giving me freedom in this language and culture.
4. So, probably since then and since hearing Chef Pépin's creed, I probably have been very technique driven.  I have to watch it, because I know I can make a religion out of it and forget that technique is a means to an end - freedom to express the heart inside - and not an end in itself.  On the other hand, it's always been my strong desire to learn technique, so that I'm never hampered by what I'm longing for inside, by the inability to manifest that kernel or idea or passion, by a lack of technique.  May have mentioned it years earlier here, another in this driving line, starting in my mid-30's became uchideshi or direct, live in apprentice to a Japanese martial and zen master, in order to "capture his mind," a Japanese thing, seeking then, seeking always - to master kihon waza; fundamental technique. (Unfortunately, it's also here where I damaged my CNS with chronic injury, leading to the condition I now have.  You can't go back, c'est la vie).
5. So, I hope this provides some context to probably what is driving this thread - a thread I hope people have found somehow, if only a little, interesting or useful, and not merely self-indulgent on my part.  Just a guy who feels he has lost his fundamentals, the ground.  The love passed sometime ago, the longer after the restaurant loss and the subsequent development of this condition.  But it's recently come alive again, some kind of absolute clearing, sun, after years of absolute darkness respecting the kitchen.  Yet I still long to come home, to fundamentals.
6. And haven't known where a guy in my state can turn, to find it.  I know it may seem ridiculously unnecessary, or a wrong course (Matty - thank you so much.  I do hear you, and have been considering your thoughts since you posted), but I've thought of these two courses - go back to the modern beginning, really - Escoffier - and move forward.  The same way a young teen fell in love with Jacques and his work, to find that again in this line of masters (I neglected to include Madeleine Kamman, to my great regret.  I have two of her books, love them both, feel she is a master among the rest) from Escoffier forward.
7. Or, Anna, once again, your post is deeply appreciated.  In seeking - whatever - I can so easily fly everywhere.  I'm sure that's apparent here, and I apologize for the length and wandering nature of the posts.  So, why not start with Chef Keller, treat his book as I did La Technique and Methode; exhaust what I can.

I have no idea where this leaves everything, everyone, and I'm truly sorry if I wasted anyone's time.  Love is the heart of it all, the best way I've known to do that is to give it over, whether by providing food, or teaching, whether it be French cuisine or martial arts.  The greatest fulfillment I've had as a chef was to take a small family, as they became, of young men and women in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, who knew nothing whatsoever about traditional French cuisine, teach them rigorously but with true affection, and know they can go anywhere they choose, and stand tall in a professional kitchen.  I take that experience with me, always, and I know they do, too.

Thank you everyone.  I hope this has been of use to some of you.

I wanted to thank EVERYONE here for your generosity of spirit and thoughts.  I'm taking it all in and I do appreciate you taking the time to lend your help.  My pain will always be with me, it puts a "used" to be mirror of a chef, athlete (marathon , 20K Meters per day swimmer, martial artist, etc.), but I've learned it doesn't define me.  Major depression and serious depressive swings may also be with me the rest of my life, have always been prone to them but it's been more of a serious issue more often since developing this condition.  But I've learned to fight back.  I've got a beautiful wife and son, good health providers, and as of a couple of weeks ago, a beautiful new pup, Murphy, who makes for paroxysms of laughter daily.

I wanted to keep it brief, because I've taken up a lot of bandwidth already.  I don't want to make this seem terse, after all you've given, but I can ramble so I'll list a few things.

1. My entire cooking life, the heart of why, has indeed been love, Linda.  The best mirror I can probably put up would be Babette's Feast.  The greatest pleasure I've known in life has been to feed people, and to do it as well as I can, to share foods and ways to treat them that may be new, but always, will give pleasure.
2. I've been cooking, I think, since probably 7 or so.  Started with my mom's books, incl. some series (I think it might have been time life?) that covered foods internationally with each volume, and it was the height of my week to do weekly "international nights" for the family.  Ranged from Jewish, Japanese, French, right of memory now.
3. By 13 or so, my mom gave me Jacques Pépin's La Technique, and I went nuts.  I heard him, when he said, learn technique, and you gain freedom.  I worked the book cover to cover, over and over.  I couldn't believe the world inside those pages, couldn't believe a kid from suburban southern California was doing this...true French cooking. Background, French blooded, had the fleur de lys above my bed by 5 or so, and was fairly fluent by the time I was 11 or so - by 14, thanks to the good graces of Mme. Lewis, whom I still love and still thank for giving me freedom in this language and culture.
4. So, probably since then and since hearing Chef Pépin's creed, I probably have been very technique driven.  I have to watch it, because I know I can make a religion out of it and forget that technique is a means to an end - freedom to express the heart inside - and not an end in itself.  On the other hand, it's always been my strong desire to learn technique, so that I'm never hampered by what I'm longing for inside, by the inability to manifest that kernel or idea or passion, by a lack of technique.  May have mentioned it years earlier here, another in this driving line, starting in my mid-30's became uchideshi or direct, live in apprentice to a Japanese martial and zen master, in order to "capture his mind," a Japanese thing, seeking then, seeking always - to master kihon waza; fundamental technique. (Unfortunately, it's also here where I damaged my CNS with chronic injury, leading to the condition I now have.  You can't go back, c'est la vie).
5. So, I hope this provides some context to probably what is driving this thread - a thread I hope people have found somehow, if only a little, interesting or useful, and not merely self-indulgent on my part.  Just a guy who feels he has lost his fundamentals, the ground.  The love passed sometime ago, the longer after the restaurant loss and the subsequent development of this condition.  But it's recently come alive again, some kind of absolute clearing, sun, after years of absolute darkness respecting the kitchen.  Yet I still long to come home, to fundamentals.
6. And haven't known where a guy in my state can turn, to find it.  I know it may seem ridiculously unnecessary, or a wrong course (Matty - thank you so much.  I do hear you, and have been considering your thoughts since you posted), but I've thought of these two courses - go back to the modern beginning, really - Escoffier - and move forward.  The same way a young teen fell in love with Jacques and his work, to find that again in this line of masters (I neglected to include Madeleine Kamman, to my great regret.  I have two of her books, love them both, feel she is a master among the rest) from Escoffier forward.
7. Or, Anna, once again, your post is deeply appreciated.  In seeking - whatever - I can so easily fly everywhere.  I'm sure that's apparent here, and I apologize for the length and wandering nature of the posts.  So, why not start with Chef Keller, treat his book as I did La Technique and Methode; exhaust what I can.

I have no idea where this leaves everything, everyone, and I'm truly sorry if I wasted anyone's time.  Love is the heart of it all, the best way I've known to do that are to give it over, whether by providing food, or teaching, whether it be French cuisine or martial arts.  The greatest fulfillment I've had as a chef was to take a small family, as they became, of young men and women in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, who knew nothing whatsoever about traditional French cuisine, teach them rigorously but with true affection, and know they can go anywhere they choose, and stand tall in a professional kitchen.  I take that experience with me, always, and I know they do, too.

Thank you everyone.  I hope this has been of use to some of you.

I wanted to thank EVERYONE here for your generosity of spirit and thoughts.  I'm taking it all in and I do appreciate you taking the time to lend your help.  My pain will always be with me, it puts a "used" to be mirror of a chef, athlete (marathon , 20K Meters per day swimmer, martial artist, etc.), but I've learned it doesn't define me.  Major depression and serious depressive swings may also be with me the rest of my life, have always been prone to them but it's been more of a serious issue more often since developing this condition.  But I've learned to fight back.  I've got a beautiful wife and son, good health providers, and as of a couple of weeks ago, a beautiful new pup, Murphy, who makes for paroxysms of laughter daily.

I wanted to keep it brief, because I've taken up a lot of bandwidth already.  I don't want to make this seem terse, after all you've given, but I can ramble so I'll list a few things.

1. My entire cooking life, the heart of why, has indeed been love, Linda.  The best mirror I can probably put up would be Babette's Feast.  The greatest pleasure I've known in life has been to feed people, and to do it as well as I can, to share foods and ways to treat them that may be new, but always, will give pleasure.
2. I've been cooking, I think, since probably 7 or so.  Started with my mom's books, incl. some series (I think it might have been time life?) that covered foods internationally with each volume, and it was the height of my week to do weekly "international nights" for the family.  Ranged from Jewish, Japanese, French, right of memory now.
3. By 13 or so, my mom gave me Jacques Pépin's La Technique, and I went nuts.  I heard him, when he said, learn technique, and you gain freedom.  I worked the book cover to cover, over and over.  I couldn't believe the world inside those pages, couldn't believe a kid from suburban southern California was doing this...true French cooking. Background, French blooded, had the fleur de lys above my bed by 5 or so, and was fairly fluent by the time I was 11 or so - by 14, thanks to the good graces of Mme. Lewis, whom I still love and still thank for giving me freedom in this language and culture.
4. So, probably since then and since hearing Chef Pépin's creed, I probably have been very technique driven.  I have to watch it, because I know I can make a religion out of it and forget that technique is a means to an end - freedom to express the heart inside - and not an end in itself.  On the other hand, it's always been my strong desire to learn technique, so that I'm never hampered by what I'm longing for inside, by the inability to manifest that kernel or idea or passion, by a lack of technique.  May have mentioned it years earlier here, another in this driving line, starting in my mid-30's became uchideshi or direct, live in apprentice to a Japanese martial and zen master, in order to "capture his mind," a Japanese thing, seeking then, seeking always - to master kihon waza; fundamental technique. (Unfortunately, it's also here where I damaged my CNS with chronic injury, leading to the condition I now have.  You can't go back, c'est la vie).
5. So, I hope this provides some context to probably what is driving this thread - a thread I hope people have found somehow, if only a little, interesting or useful, and not merely self-indulgent on my part.  Just a guy who feels he has lost his fundamentals, the ground.  The love passed sometime ago, the longer after the restaurant loss and the subsequent development of this condition.  But it's recently come alive again, some kind of absolute clearing, sun, after years of absolute darkness respecting the kitchen.  Yet I still long to come home, to fundamentals.
6. And haven't known where a guy in my state can turn, to find it.  I know it may seem ridiculously unnecessary, or a wrong course (Matty - thank you so much.  I do hear you, and have been considering your thoughts since you posted), but I've thought of these two courses - go back to the modern beginning, really - Escoffier - and move forward.  The same way a young teen fell in love with Jacques and his work, to find that again in this line of masters (I neglected to include Madeleine Kamman, to my great regret.  I have two of her books, love them both, feel she is a master among the rest) from Escoffier forward.
7. Or, Anna, once again, your post is deeply appreciated.  In seeking - whatever - I can so easily fly everywhere.  I'm sure that's apparent here, and I apologize for the length and wandering nature of the posts.  So, why not start with Chef Keller, treat his book as I did La Technique and Methode; exhaust what I can.

I have no idea where this leaves everything, everyone, and I'm truly sorry if I wasted anyone's time.  Love is the heart of it all, the best way I've known to do that are to give it over, whether by providing food, or teaching, whether it be French cuisine or martial arts.  The greatest fulfillment I've had as a chef was to take a small family, as they became, of young men and women in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, who knew nothing whatsoever about traditional French cuisine, teach them rigorously but with true affection, and know they can go anywhere they choose, and stand tall in a professional kitchen.  I take that experience with me, always, and I know they do, too.

Thank you everyone.  I hope this has been of use to some of you.

I wanted to thank EVERYONE here for your generosity of spirit and thoughts.  I'm taking it all in and I do appreciate you taking the time to lend your help.  My pain will always be with me, it puts a "used" to be mirror of a chef, athlete (marathon , 20K Meters per day swimmer, martial artist, etc.), but I've learned it doesn't define me.  Major depression and serious depressive swings may also be with me the rest of my life, have always been prone to them but it's been more of a serious issue more often since developing this condition.  But I've learned to fight back.  I've got a beautiful wife and son, good health providers, and as of a couple of weeks ago, a beautiful new pup, Murphy, who makes for paroxysms of laughter daily.

I wanted to keep it brief, because I've taken up a lot of bandwidth already.  I don't want to make this seem terse, after all you've given, but I can ramble so I'll list a few things.

1. My entire cooking life, the heart of why, has indeed been love, Linda.  The best mirror I can probably put up would be Babette's Feast.  The greatest pleasure I've known in life has been to feed people, and to do it as well as I can, to share foods and ways to treat them that may be new, but always, will give pleasure.
2. I've been cooking, I think, since probably 7 or so.  Started with my mom's books, incl. some series (I think it might have been time life?) that covered foods internationally with each volume, and it was the height of my week to do weekly "international nights" for the family.  Ranged from Jewish, Japanese, French, right of memory now.
3. By 13 or so, my mom gave me Jacques Pépin's La Technique, and I went nuts.  I heard him, when he said, learn technique, and you gain freedom.  I worked the book cover to cover, over and over.  I couldn't believe the world inside those pages, couldn't believe a kid from suburban southern California was doing this...true French cooking. Background, French blooded, had the fleur de lys above my bed by 5 or so, and was fairly fluent by the time I was 11 or so - by 14, thanks to the good graces of Mme. Lewis, whom I still love and still thank for giving me freedom in this language and culture.
4. So, probably since then and since hearing Chef Pépin's creed, I probably have been very technique driven.  I have to watch it, because I know I can make a religion out of it and forget that technique is a means to an end - freedom to express the heart inside - and not an end in itself.  On the other hand, it's always been my strong desire to learn technique, so that I'm never hampered by what I'm longing for inside, by the inability to manifest that kernel or idea or passion, by a lack of technique.  May have mentioned it years earlier here, another in this driving line, starting in my mid-30's became uchideshi or direct, live in apprentice to a Japanese martial and zen master, in order to "capture his mind," a Japanese thing, seeking then, seeking always - to master kihon waza; fundamental technique.
5. So, I hope this provides some context to probably what is driving this thread - a thread I hope people have found somehow, if only a little, interesting or useful, and not merely self-indulgent on my part.  Just a guy who feels he has lost his fundamentals, the ground.  The love passed sometime ago, the longer after the restaurant loss and the subsequent development of this condition.  But it's recently come alive again, some kind of absolute clearing, sun, after years of absolute darkness respecting the kitchen.  Yet I still long to come home, to fundamentals.
6. And haven't known where a guy in my state can turn, to find it.  I know it may seem ridiculously unnecessary, or a wrong course (Matty - thank you so much.  I do hear you, and have been considering your thoughts since you posted), but I've thought of these two courses - go back to the modern beginning, really - Escoffier - and move forward.  The same way a young teen fell in love with Jacques and his work, to find that again in this line of masters (I neglected to include Madeleine Kamman, to my great regret.  I have two of her books, love them both, feel she is a master among the rest) from Escoffier forward.
7. Or, Anna, once again, your post is deeply appreciated.  In seeking - whatever - I can so easily fly everywhere.  I'm sure that's apparent here, and I apologize for the length and wandering nature of the posts.  So, why not start with Chef Keller, treat his book as I did La Technique and Methode; exhaust what I can.

I have no idea where this leaves everything, everyone, and I'm truly sorry if I wasted anyone's time.  Love is the heart of it all, the best way I've known to do that are to give it over, whether by providing food, or teaching, whether it be French cuisine or martial arts.  The greatest fulfillment I've had as a chef was to take a small family, as they became, of young men and women in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, who knew nothing whatsoever about traditional French cuisine, teach them rigorously but with true affection, and know they can go anywhere they choose, and stand tall in a professional kitchen.  I take that experience with me, always, and I know they do, too.

Thank you everyone.  I hope this has been of use to some of you.