Everyone,
I don't really even know if this is the appropriate sub-forum to place such a post; if so, I apologize mods and please feel free to do what you would like with the post.
I've been away a long, long time. The last several years have been extremely difficult. Lost a restaurant, and for close to a decade, developed a permanent, systemic neuro condition that is disabling and a daily challenge. It wasn't until just a couple months ago that I seriously picked a knife up after so, so long away.
I lost all love for cooking. I've lost my way.
Since coming back as a means to fight back against some pretty severe depression of many years, an outgrowth of a lot of things but mostly, the constant, severe pain I experience, I find myself basically aping Thomas Keller or Alain Ducasse and/or his disciples, to try to regain lost technique, sense of taste, sense of what works. First pic below is inspired out of Ducasse's Atelier book. "Taken," is probably more honest. Sauce is mine, but components and plating is basically an amalgam of Keller and one of Ducasse's students, from the book. Braised lamb and tomato tartellette tatin, from Tom Collichio. Cured salmon with garnishes. No big deal any of them, and none of them, mine.
I could use some help; I don't even know what I'm asking help for, as it's almost impossible I'll ever be able to cook professionally again. But somewhere in the back of my mind is some dream of a relais, something in the country, something less body and mind-busting as a city, competitive kitchen.
Basically, I'm asking for an opinion for a lineage apprenticeship, a self-appointed, self-directed desire to lean on masters of French cooking to bring me back to a sense of strength in this tradition. I know this all seems pretty ludicrous - I'm 54, had a restaurant, etc. But I'm being sincere when I say, I feel like a child again, wanting to learn as a child-apprentice, in the French tradition. It will have to come via cookbooks.
I have Escoffier, Point, Chapel, Bocuse, Vergé, Troisgros, Guérard, Blanc, Boulud, Ducasse, Keller, Waters, so many others.
I know this has been beat to death. My bent is to start at the modern beginning - Escoffier, and the above order is pretty close to the lineage I have in mind - as I did when young, when I worked Pepin to death, work all these works to death, to find a sense of strength, a needed strength, again. Admitting roux is "never done anymore," and the host of antiquated preparations in Escoffier's work - start there anyway, and start as a child starts, without prejudice and only the desire for mastery.
On the other hand, I feel ridiculous. And there's a part that says, no finer modern "teachers" than Keller or Ducasse, for example. Say, simply work TFL until I can say, it would pass the pass.
I know this is all disjointed and long. Just reaching out, everyone. I appreciate your thoughts.
