Doofus' Mayonnaise, or, The Mayo of The Lazy

[Rebecca263]

Doofus' Mayonnaise, or, The Mayo of The Lazy

OK, you've got to have a blender, an immersion stick, a hand mixer or a food processor... I haven't made this since Kiddle killed our blender during the Velveeta Fudge Incident. Without electrical assistance, this would take a VERY long time. I tried it once, it took me almost half an hour to get to the mayonnaise stage. THAT doesn't sound QUICK, does it?

Now there are folks who will fill your head with esoteric information about temperatures, exactitude of yolk size, using or not the whites, HOW dire a mistake it is if even a smidgen of whites are present. We say "Silly Folks!" to those people. They're probably all very worried in the kitchen or worried about what you think of them in the kitchen. Well, we're not, we just want delicious food, right? After all, MY reputation is already ruined, so I don't need to impress anyone, I just want to feed them and give them joy. You do too, right? This is simple organic chemistry, and not rocket science or angel food cake, for doofus' sake! WE are here to make delicious, easy and fresh mayonnaise, not to become the next BIG thing in mayonnaise kings.

So, don't get nervous, I promise, it will come out fine. I usually use a yolk right from the refrigerator, but I have used a room temperature batch of yolks before, and everything was just fine. I have been told that you can use a whole egg, but we savor egg white omelettes in our house, so we tend to save our whites. OK, here we go!

• 1 egg yolk
  
• 1 T vinegar or lemon juice
  

pinch of salt

• 3/4 c of oil (we use olive, but you can use almost any oil)
  

you may add any of the following for variations:

• 1 tsp mustard
  
• 1 tsp any herb of your preference
  
• cracked peppercorns
  
• 1/4 tsp paprika
  
• 1 clove of raw garlic (fake out aoili!)
  
• 1 shallot
  
• PARSLEY will make it GREEN unless you just add the finely chopped parsley after blending.
  
• 1 tsp sugar, if you like Miracle Whip already
  
• a bit of cayenne, if you like a kick
  
• a tiny bit of lemon rind
  
• a bit of capers, drained!
  
• 1/2 an anchovy
  

DON'T ADD FRUIT, THAT'S JUST GROSS. =

• 
  

First, you blend the egg yolk, vinegar or lemon juice, flavor additions and salt together. For about a half of a minute, dears, not long. Things will start to lighten up, and look all creamy yellow. It will smell good, don't taste it, I mean it- Get your finger out of there! BTW, I usually make this with lemon juice, I prefer it to the vinegar flavoring, myself. You may feel differently. Both methods work.

Now, you begin to add the oil, about 1/8 cup at a time, blending for a minute after the first addition.

Then, you will blend the mayonnaise for about 30 seconds for each subsequent addition. Well, thinking back to the time I made this in my Cuisinart, maybe a bit less, if you have one of those heavy duty fancy pie machines. Sheesh, I'll wager you wear fancy panties, too. You do, don't you. Well, I'm jealous.

When you get to the 3/4 cup mark, be a bit less nonchalant. Watch what you're doing there, Fancy Pants!

When the mayonnaise becomes very thick and glossy and beautifully emulsifed, it's had enough oil. You can stop now.

You'll know when the oil has incorporated and it is time to add more, you will, really! The mayonnaise will begin to LOOK like mayonnaise, that's how you will know. If you are working in the dark, this kind of cooking will not be successful, I'm sorry. You'll have to do this by some book, in that case. This is home cooking, and we cook with the lights up, and the windowshades down! OK, Dearie, that's all there is to it. Kind of a letdown, eh? You thought I was going to impart some difficult old lady secrets to you, didn't you? You did, I just know it. Nope, after all, I'm all about the joy in the kitchen, not the anguish! Oh, yeah, when it's done, store it in the refrigerator.

TROUBLESHOOTING: If it curdles or separates, put a yolk in a clean bowl, beat or blend it 'til it's creamy, then add a couple of spoonfuls of the curdled sauce. When that incorporates and thickens, add some more, bit by bit, until it is all emulsified.

If it tastes too oily, add a tiny bit of your acid, blending again.

If it tastes too acidic, add a bit more oil, blending again.

PS: Try to store this in a clean glass jar, not a plastic container. The flavor gets 'weird' in plastic after a couple of days.

PPS: It will take you longer to read this recipe than it will to make the mayonnaise, how about that!

Keywords: Kosher, Easy, Condiment, Vegetarian, Food Processor, Immersion Blender, Stand Mixer, Blender

( RG1957 )