Competition Round Six:

[maggiethecat]

There is only one other writing competition that's a serious threat to the eGullet Literary Smackdown, and I don't mean the Booker, Pulitzer, or National Book Award....heck no. The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest carries a lot more cachet with me.

This is the immortal line that is the raison d'etre of that other contest. I'll bet you a plate of guajalote's pulled pork that you are familiar with the first phrase.

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

--Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830)

The award goes to the years's most god-awful opening sentence for a novel.

If you have that sad stack of unfinished fiction lurking in your bottom drawer, grabbing a winner from the first graf will be a piece of cake; well, for me it was! And if you've ever considered a low-paying career with no dental plan, start writing that novel today. Remember: You don't need to get any further than the first full stop. That dog's breakfast of sentence is all we need for the purposes of this competition.

But : Your sentence must include one food reference. Any food reference.

Obviously, I have no pride, no shame, and adequate storage, because I could actually locate the MS of "Mill Manager's Daughter." First sentence:

"I remember the blue of the sky, like the robe of the Virgin Mary, and the stars plastered against the sky, like tiny star-shaped pasta glued to a piece of construction paper in fifth-grade science class---the one that showed the celestial map of the northern sky."

(Gimme a break, I was sixteen!)

Check out their winning entries here:these babies are bad!

We can do worse, much worse. It's a matter of pride.

(Deadline: Midnight June 28th, in a time zone of your choice. Please remember to post your entries not here, but there.)

Edited for the usual: Sloppy proofreading. Sorry all.

Edited June 17, 2003 by maggiethecat (log)

[paul o' vendange]

Ahem. Maggie, I think we should just cash it in. I don't know if it's possible to match the brilliance of those openers.

But then, Rome wasn't built in a day, so we might as well shoot for the stars and leave no stone unturned.

[Nick]

...so we might as well shoot for the stars and leave no stone unturned.

Are the stones all turned, and having found nothing we then shoot for the stars?

[paul o' vendange]

Well, Nickn, I guess I always feel a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Maggie, why don't we just host a "nothing but really hackneyed aphorisms allowed" contest? Like jazz, it could be the only indigenous writing we could truly call our own?

I'll start. I have been waiting for a reply for some time now, but realize it won't be coming any time soon...after all,

A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS.

(gauntlet thrown).

[maggiethecat]

Well, Nickn, I guess I always feel a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Maggie, why don't we just host a "nothing but really hackneyed aphorisms allowed" contest?  Like jazz, it could be the only indigenous writing we could truly call our own?

I'll start.  I have been waiting for a reply for some time now, but realize it won't be coming any time soon...after all,

A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS.

(gauntlet thrown).

Paul:

Good things come to those who wait! Your idea has been added to my file.

Now get over to Competition "Hop, Skip and Jump...I'm still waiting to award a prize there.

Hey...and that means everyone!

[paul o' vendange]

Maggie, sorry, where do we post?

[Bond Girl]

Maggie, sorry, where do we post?

My question exactly! I seemed to remember a box of old MS from my days as a ghost writer that may be contenders to the title.

[maggiethecat]

Post them in the "Literary Smackdown Entries Forum." Each new contest gets its own thread.

Darkness and storminess happening here!