Diary: September 11, 2002

[Malawry]

Wednesday, September 11

A year ago, I was still thinking of culinary school as an abstract, possible future. I was working at a job I’d been at for a couple of years that had grown somewhat old, and I had only recently given up on the idea of going to law school. After the terrorist attacks, I caught a ride home from a coworker and spent much of the day watching CNN and attempting to load washingtonpost.com onto my computer.

Today, I got up early, went to Giant to buy the Washington Post and the NY Times, and drove to school. After the morning demo, I went into the pastry kitchen. I made cookies from le menu for my team, and then since the menu was short and there was plenty of time I experimented with linzer tarts.

I am planning a dessert buffet for my partner’s choir, a spread of small one- and two-bite treats, and I had considered putting miniature linzer tarts on the menu. I found small tartlette tins, made a batch of the dough, and got some of the dough chilling to line the bottom of the tins. I kept half the dough at room temperature for piping on top of the tartlettes once they were formed and filled. I experimented with different ways of getting the dough to the right size for the tartlette tins, including using cookie cutters and just pressing some of the dough in and forming it with my thumbs. Then I experimented with piping, but found the dough way too stiff for the small piping I needed to do to correspond with the small tarts. I tried working the dough with my hands into little snakes and using the snakes to form the lattice on top, but the snakes were hard to make even. The dough was too soft, and the results looked amateurish. Chef Francois walked by while I was making snakes of the dough and suggested I chill the snakes, roll them again to make them even, rechill them to stiffen, and then carefully lift them and place them atop the tartlettes. I agree it sounds like it will work, but it’s too much work for the time I have to invest in catering the buffet. I plan to come in early tomorrow to reroll the snakes, and then finish and bake the tarts on my post-lunch break. I found the work with the linzer tarts to be satisfying, and I learned a lot about the dough as I worked with it. I am considering other ways to make the dish work, and may try tomorrow to make a small sheet-shaped linzer cookie for cutting into bars to see how that works.

After class, I exercised, drove home, ate dinner, and came to eGullet. A year ago, I would not have dreamed of spending a day focusing on linzer tarts, practicing piping cookies, studying sanitation, reading the food sections of the newspaper, and then writing about the experience for a Web site. Some may consider my life to be shallow in its narrow focus on food, but the events of September 11 helped me to realize that I need to pursue the things that are most important and interesting to me. I’m grateful I have the opportunity to do so.

I’ve been reflecting upon how my attitude towards food and cooking has changed in the few months since I enrolled in culinary school. I’m just as passionate about food as I was before, and in some ways I wish I could skip being evaluated so I can focus on just learning. (How’s that for an ironic statement?) I think about food more than ever, and wish I could spend more time working with it. (Right now, I’m wishing I was in my kitchen, making a sauce out of the tomatoes I picked up at the farm market this weekend.) Just the same, my attitudes have shifted. I think a lot more about what goes into a dish in terms of effort than I used to. I’m more specific than I was before I started school about ingredients, and I make a lot of things that I would have bought without second thought in my former life. (There’s fish stock in my freezer right now, and I don’t think I’ll buy frozen puff pastry again unless I’m in a real bind.)

I try to bring enthusiasm to the meat studies at school, but I still have to force it quite a bit. I shy away from preparing meat almost daily, and I’m even more lost than most of the students when it comes to butchery. Every morning I vow that I will volunteer to cook the meat, and almost every day I don’t do it. I only do it when I have gone so long without handling meat that I think it will become obvious to others how much I shy away.

For example, we made duck a l’orange this week. I asked Chef Peter which of the various duck innards I should pack away and which I should add to the mirepoix on which the duck rests. He told me which parts went where, but I have no sense of what a duck heart or gizzard looks like, and I didn’t do it right despite asking for clarification. I couldn’t tell where to send my knife when I cut up the bird, and the resulting pieces didn’t look nearly as clean as the ones Chef Peter produced during the demo. It was a typical experience. I’m told the bird and especially the sauce were delicious, but I don’t know how they’re supposed to taste. I feel like I cook with one hand behind my back when I handle meat or fowl, and my lack of confidence with the food grates on my teammates when I force myself to take over.

Other things come more easily. I have found I’m reasonably good at pastry work, and I’ve enjoyed learning about fish and vegetables as prepared by the French. I like learning about how to dress up a plate, something with which I am unskilled but enthusiastic, and I appreciate the more abstract demos about cooking methods and flavoring ingredients. (I’d like to do more of the comparative demos we did early on, such as the tutorial on thickeners or the fat tastings. I think comparative demos are one of the best ways to learn.)

As for this diary, I’m concerned that it has become somewhat rote. I didn’t intend for it to be a laundry list-style chronicle of culinary education. Expect some changes down the road, including entries like this one that aren’t written as “here is what I did today.” To that end, I’d like to ask you: what would you like to see here? Interviews with people around the school? Analysis of food-related issues through the lens of my educational experiences? What do you want to read?

[Jinmyo]

Rochelle, it might be useful to get friendly with a local butcher and have her show you "around". Also to buy a chicken and rabbit and work on deboning them.

[Sandra Levine]

Rochelle, I love the chronicle of culinary education. No matter what else you do, I hope you continue to let us go to school with you.

[Dana]

I am (as I am sure many others are as well) wishing I was attending school as you are. I wish I had the guts to take off on a second career driven by interest and desire instead of economics. You're posts are interesting, informative and I look for a new one everyday! Don't ever think they are rote!!!! One thing I'd like to see are more recipies. I'm waiting for a spare minute to make your biscotti. I have a bottle of Vin Santo just waiting for them. Thanks so much for the time you take to keep us informed.

[Steve Klc]

Rochelle--keep up the good work. I'm as interested in your reflections as I am in the nuts and bolts of your actions. One of the advantages of going to school--and not also working full time--is that you can reflect, you can go home and practice, you can do dessert buffets, and you can really immerse yourself in your quest. This is a good thing, not something to feel guilty about. It also gives you the freedom to follow Jin's advice and trail a friendly butcher for a day if you so choose, take a stagiaire position at a good restaurant a few days a week if you want to, even before this first 6 months of your program is over. By the way, I don’t think I’ll make puff pastry again unless I’m in a real bind.

[Malawry]

Thanks for your responses. Just to reassure you, note that I am not considering reducing the frequency of my posts. I'll be here for the duration of my classwork. If I get really stressed I reserve the right to take a brief hiatus, but I don't think I need that anytime soon.

The reception I am catering is sucking a huge amount of my time and energy right now, but if I wasn't working on it I'd probably start going out into the field in the coming weeks to learn more in restaurant kitchens and other interesting food venues. (Jin, I hadn't considered learning with a butcher, but that's an excellent idea. Thank you.) As I do these things, I may be posting about them instead of about actual school events since my experiences will very much be a part of my culinary education.

Dana, you're not the first one to request more recipes. To that end, here is my recipe for duck a l'orange:

Whole duck

Sea salt and white pepper

Mirepoix (rough dice of 40% onion, 40% carrot, 20% celery)

Fresh Thyme

Oranges: zest, sections without pith or seeds, and juice

Peanut oil

BG

Brown stock, preferably duck but veal is ok

Lemon juice

Whole butter

Remove wishbone and excess skin from duck. Prick skin around neck with fork to encourage rendering. Season interior and exterior. Fill cavity with mirepoix and thyme and orange zest. Truss so legs are tied together and winglets are tucked under bird. Sear in very hot peanut oil in a deep, lidded pot until nicely browned. (The duck will lose some color during the braising process, so get a good color while you sear.)

Remove duck and color mirepoix in the pot using more peanut oil if needed. Add duck neck and wishbone to pot. Place duck atop mirepoix and bones. Add brown stock to cover up to bottom of duck, a generous splash of orange juice, and about a teaspoon of lemon juice. Cover tightly and bake at 400-425 degrees for 35-45 minutes.

Julienne and blanch orange zest (one time is enough for this recipe).

Remove bird from pot after baking. Rest bird briefly and cut off string and remove thighs. The thighs take longer than the rest of the duck, so put them on a metal plate and finish in oven. Strain off the liquids in the pot into a saucepan, boil them, strain to remove some of the excess fat, and reduce until barely too thick to be a good sauce. You can add some grand mariner while you are reducing and some of the blanched zest if you like. Adjust the texture back to sauce consistency with some orange juice. Add a few chunks of cold butter and shake the pan until they are melted and incorporated (monte au beurre).

Slice duck breast and legs. Plate. Ladle sauce over duck. Garnish with blanched zest and orange sections

Steve, what kind of puff do you use? I've only tried the super expensive stuff at Fresh Fields and the Pepperidge Farm sort. Both are adequate, but I felt that homemade puff was a. easier than I thought it would be b. much fresher tasting and c. way cheaper than what I'd purchased. But then I haven't ever used a "professional" type product.

[Jinmyo]

You're welcome, Rochelle. As someone who was a vegetarian for almost two decades, I know how strange it can be to work with meat. And also how profound it can be.

[jhlurie]

Rochelle, very definitely try to keep your personal observations in. It's what divides these diaries from mere "rote" reporting. Explain what you do, and then why, and then how you feel about it. Of course, you also have to satisfy yourself. If this is the Sept 11th blues speaking, you'll get over it soon. If not, then experimentation certainly can't hurt. But the core has to stay with you, or else you are doing both yourself, and your goal of documenting your experience a disservice. In moments of doubt you might think you aren't an interesting person, but obviously that's not true. Or maybe you don't think that! Either way, keep up the good work.

[oraklet]

your reports are wonderful. i just listen and (try to) learn, listen and (try to) learn, listen and (try to) learn, listen and (try to) learn, listen and (try to) learn,....

[Kim WB]

I feel you have been striking a perfect balance, between the "this is what I did" reporting, and the "this is what I feel/think" reporting. Make any adjustments that you need to in order to complete the diary with the same enthusiasm you began with...it really is something that many of us look for each day, waiting for hte next installment. Even if we don't always post or reply!

[Ron Johnson]

I really enjoy the "this is what I did today" aspect of your entries. Probably because I wish I was there as well. You dodged a bullet by deciding on culinary school over law school.

Keep up the great work, we are all living vicariously through you.

[Cosmo]

The most interesting part of your diary is your open honesty and feelings about those around you and yourself. To many diary's have become washed out when published because the 'heart' of the author was taken out of the writing. You've maintained that, and have an exceptional 'eye' for your own emotions. To be able to convey the proper sense of the personal self in a way that is not ego driven, self-rightous, or stand-offish, is extremely difficult, and you handle it with grace and good humor.

Cosmo

[Louisa Chu]

Hey Rochelle,

Just discovered your diary - and egullet as a matter of fact.

I'm at Le Cordon Bleu in Paris doing cuisine and pastry - or as they impressively refer to it "Le Grande Diplome". I grew up in the restaurant business - Chinese and Vietnamese - so I'm totally at home with sharp knives, hot stoves and screaming cooks but school is still kicking my ass - sorry ma derriere. Add to the challenges speaking French - and food French which is a whole other animal.

Looking forward to reviewing your past entries.

From this one post, I'd say sure I like reading about what you're doing in school but how you're feeling makes it more compelling. A great duck recipe is nice but how you recoil from preparing it as a vegetarian but still gamely try makes you human and not a cooking school manual. How do you reconcile preparing meat? Will you ever feel comfortable with it? Will you someday just refuse? You may have answered these questions already in your past posts - and I'm interested now in finding out.

Bonne chance on school and your externship.

I just survived my second week - and my first puff pastry.

[Malawry]

Thanks again for all your comments. I'm glad to hear that you all are interested in the day-to-day, since that's most of what I've written to date.

Welcome to eGullet, Loufood. Re: your questions about how I deal with my vegetarianism...

I started phasing meat back into my diet several months ago in anticipation of attending culinary school. I knew I couldn't make it through without eating it. (I wasn't a strict vegetarian before; I was a lacto-ovo veg for many years, and I phased fish into my diet about a year and a half ago.) I reconcile it because I felt my vegetarianism was holding me back as a food geek...I wanted to be familiar with all types of food, and not eating meat was definitely a problem there. I had gotten to the point where my vegetarianism was more of a habit than a strong personal belief anyway. So it's not hard to reconcile. It's much harder to get over my long-ingrained distaste. I don't know if I will ever be a big meat-eater.

My partner, and several other people in my personal life, have asked me whether or not I will revert to (pesco-)vegetarianism when I complete my formal education. At first, I assumed I would do so. But now I don't think I will. When I think about the opportunities I would have to refuse...not eating the amuse in a top-level restaurant, not understanding what most Westerners consume on a daily basis, and so on...I'm not appealed by being a veg. Just the same, I don't really want to prepare meat and fowl at home, and we maintain a meatless kitchen. I still order fish and meatless dishes almost exclusively while dining out, but now I'll eat them with bacon or ham or whatnot rather than avoiding those items.

I rather like a lot of meat, especially cured meats. I bet I'll like a lot of charcuterie. Even when I didn't eat it, I had a minor meat fetish, and I loved reading about preparing meat and asking questions of people while they worked with meat in front of me. It's oddly foreign to me. But I am still quite anxious about preparing meat, and I go through the whole mental gymnastic exercise almost every morning as described in my post.

For more information, you oughta check out this old thread: What are vegetarians missing?

I think it's the first thread I participated on here on eGullet, actually.

[nyfirepatrolchef]

I just really enjoyed your evaluation of youself...it sounds like you have a grip on what youre doing...what needs work...and that youre doing it. Growth in anything positive is a great thing.

Dont change a thing...more of what youre doing !!!

[phaelon56]

A life (or some portion of it) spent focusing on something that brings joy to you and others could bever be thought of as shallow by any definition of the word. Thanks for sharing.