liuzhou

Indeed! But my 91-year-old mother still does order it.

I’ve just come back from the supermarket. Always an interesting experience. Having climbed over piles of destruction construction debris from the open cast mining roadworks outside Jia Yong No. 1 Supermarket, I then have to negotiate the much more difficult entry to the store. For some unfathomable reason, they have posted guards at the door to catch anyone rash enough to try to enter their store carrying a plastic bag from any other store. These have to be deposited in a left luggage office by the entrance. Any other kind of bag is OK. I regularly carry my large empty shoplifting bag marked ‘SWAG!’ in the appropriate Chinese characters. They ignore this but confiscate my tiny and already overfull plastic bag from the local DVD store. Having overcome this hurdle, I have to make my way to the back of the store where they hide the things I really want to buy. Like supermarkets the world over, they have learned to put the over-priced dross that no one really wants right by the entrance. The only difference I can see is that, whereas UK supermarkets invariably have the veggies at the entrance to give the unsuspecting customer a sense of freshness, Jia Yong stick them at the back. Maybe they are telling me something. I then have to struggle through the crowds to reach my target. It becomes immediately clear that the crowds blocking every aisle are not actually buying anything, but are generally standing around looking completely vacant. On closer inspection, it emerges they are all dressed identically. No! Not in Chairman Mao suits, but in the company livery. These are the staff! They are apparently employed to block up the aisles, slowing the customers down so that they spend more time gazing at the over-priced dross. Resolutely, I battle on and eventually reach the back. Here is the fresh food. Well, fairly fresh. Nowhere near as fresh as in the local market, but conveniently much more expensive. Here I find my fish, meat, fruit and veggies. The fish area is short but to the point. Under great piles of ice (renewed frequently by blue-nosed staff), lie what look suspiciously like overgrown samples from my mother’s tropical fish tank back home. To actually see what they have, you have to dig through the ice with your bare hands, hoping that the polar bears are hibernating. Then, on to the meat counter. This is in two sections. In one, you find film wrapped plastic trays containing the ingredients for some particular dish or other. It is impossible to see what is under the thinly spread layer of the most expensive ingredient lying on the top. More than once, when not paying attention, I’ve arrived home to discover that I’ve just bought 2 oz of beef and several pounds of shredded carrot – all at prime beef price. The other section has the raw materials. You make your selection, bung it in a bowl and hand it to someone to weigh and price. At least you would if the person was there! Due to staff shortages (they’re all busy on aisle blocking duty) there is usually a ratio of one server to 100 customers. However, no-one seems to mind and they all amuse themselves by arguing as to who saw that bit of pork first! Then, on to the fruit and veggie section. Again this is self-service. Grab your goodies and stick them in a plastic bag. What plastic bag? The ones on that roll. That empty roll? Oh. Then get them weighed and priced! Been here before, haven’t we? Typically, the store has devised a policy to prevent wear and tear on the staff. Rule 1. Allocate staff to the weigh stations in inverse proportion to the number of customers waiting. Rule 2. Fruit weighing staff must never weigh vegetables and vice versa. Rule 3. As there is no queueing system anyway, serve people in order of their attractiveness, unless they are family members or friends when you should give them priority. Rule 4. If your boyfriend or a more than usually interesting colleague is anywhere near ignore all customers and chat for a while What I haven’t mentioned is that 99% of the commodities on sale are totally unrecognisable to the average foreigner. Which brings me to the deli counter. I tend to avoid this. I am not in the least sensitive and regularly horrify other foreigners by my willingness (and sometimes enthusiasm) to eat pretty much everything. But having once bought a kilo of ducks’ tongues by mistake, I know my shopping skills are not quite there yet. They do occasionally have some surprising western goods. These we bulk buy as if we are expecting World War 3 tomorrow. However, we have found over the years that this tactic tends to backfire. Every time they introduce a new range and we buy it ‘like hotcakes’, they never stock it again! “We’re not getting that in again. People only go and buy it! Messes up our shelving arrangements!” Either that or they price it at ridiculously high levels to deter prospective buyers. Recently they introduced those cheesy spread triangles and pseudo Kraft Cheese Slices. As far as I can see, they haven’t sold any. The little box of cheese triangles costs more than I could take my entire extended family to dinner for and we can get real Kraft slices for half the price round the corner! Not that I do. I prefer cheese. Anyway, having stocked up on what I can find that satisfies my simple needs, I head for the checkouts. Cunningly, I have learned not to go to the shortest line, but to actually look to see if the people in front of me look as if they might have friends. It is quite common to queue up behind someone who only has a couple of items, then at the last minute their friend turns up with three full baskets and two trolleys and goes straight to the front of the line to join their companion. This is perfectly acceptable behaviour. I also have to be wary of the occasional person who hasn’t quite worked out the supermarket concept and tries to haggle over the price. I recently got stuck behind an old man who was refusing to pay ¥1.20 for a tube of toothpaste, instead sticking out for ¥1.00 (Note ¥0.20 is about 3 cents US, but perhaps significant to him.) The checkouts are usually manned by two people. One to scan your goods and one to bag them. The bagger never starts bagging until everything is scanned. In times of staff shortages (yes, aisle blocking duty) the scanner also bags. Well, I hear you say, you can bag yourself. Sorry, it is absolutely forbidden to give the customer any bags until everything is scanned and paid for. Then they guestimate and provide the smallest possible bag to carry all your purchases. Finally, they have sorted it all out and you hand over your cash. Then you wait for a while as the checkout person runs around the store asking everyone else if they have any change! Exhausted, you stagger to the exit, where, just for your amusement, they demand to see and stamp your till receipt which of course you have lost! You swear never to return. But you do.

I wrote this a few years ago and have updated it since, but still relevant. If you are visiting, or especially working, in China, at some stage, you will be invited to a banquet. Despite attempts by the all-powerful communist party to curb excessive use of public funds on banquets, they still happen, albeit more quietly and less often than in the past. There are a few rules to remember if you want to survive the experience. 1. Arrive on time. This will give you the opportunity to sit on a sofa and study the decor while you wait for everyone else. Then, as they arrive, you will have the opportunity to watch the other guests sit around eating sunflower seeds and throwing the shells on the floor as they wait for the host (or top man) to arrive. 2. Wait to be told where to sit at the main table. Get yourself comfortable and wait to be told to move to another seat. Once everyone has finished arguing over the seating plan, prepare to move again when three unexpected guests join the party and everyone has to shuffle up to accommodate them around the table (this is always circular, designed to sit ten to twelve guests but usually manages fifteen. 3. If you are left-handed, make an excuse and go home. No-one in China is left-handed and the condition is considered to be dangerous. It is impossible to eat with chopsticks if you are left handed as you will continually crash into the guy next to you, sending food flying everywhere. 4. Wait till the top man says eat, then eat a little and put your chopsticks down. This is not really the start of the meal, but a test to check that everybody can find a pair of chopsticks and that no-one is left handed. 5. Top man will then propose a toast. If you're lucky, he (it's always a he) will do this in the form of a speech less than ten minutes long. Take your drink, bang your glass against everybody else's round the table, and say '干杯 gān bēi'. This literally means 'empty glass' which is what you will have in your hand by the time it gets to your mouth. Consider yourself lucky. The glass probably contained 白酒 (bái jiǔ), a spirit made from rocket fuel flavoured with essence of vomit (see below). 6. Now eat. Do not worry that there are only twenty dishes on the table for a party of fifteen. Your hosts will proceed to drink themselves under the table with endless toasts, leaving all the food for you to enjoy. 7. Interrupt your eating every now and again and wave your glass at a random guest. This is called toasting. If you can make a twenty minute speech in any language at all, then you will be regarded as an all round good guy or gal. 8. When your hosts put the head of the fish and the feet of the chicken into your bowl, SMILE. This is a great honour. At least that's what they tell dumb foreigners. 9. It is a good idea to pause in your eating and offer everyone at the table a cigarette. If they tell you they don't smoke, try to educate them as to the benefits of smoking. (It is no accident that the Chinese for "banquet" and "cigarette ash" only differ in tone!) 宴会 yàn huì (banquet) 烟灰 yān huī (cigarette ash) 10. When some unknown, drunken idiot crashes through the door and insists on toasting the entire room, don't worry. This is the restaurant manager. 11. When you have managed to get through all the dishes, do not despair. Another twenty will arrive. 12. If you are drinking beer, do not eat rice at the same time. The Chinese believe this is extremely dangerous. Rice should only be eaten after beer. Then it should be shovelled into your mouth as if you are expecting all rice to be confiscated for ever in thirty seconds time. 13. When suddenly, for no apparent reason, your rice is confiscated and everyone leaves, this means the meal is over. Go home.

Lunch at a friend's house. Cooked by friend. Typical Chinese home made food. Pork soup with shiitake and carrots, seawater clams (Paratapes undulatus), stir-fried rape and fried rice.

As I mentioned over two years ago on the "Ahh, Bisto! The Gravy Mix" topic:

Stovies.

It's the end of civilisation! The only good news is that the 300 staff now in quarantine for three weeks are still being paid their full salaries.

We aren't having a competition; just sharing our efforts. And anyway, I have seen nothing you have posted that is "lowbrow" or you should feel embarrassed about.

Disaster!

Disaster!

Looks good to me.

The nearest branch of Ye Olde McD's may well suffice to satisfy your urgent needs. It is said among the sages of olde that the facilities in such hostelries are purged and blessed by Druid priests every hour to prevent the spread of plague, sexual perversion and general lunacy. I'd give the "food" a miss though! As Chaucer said "What is this *%^$?"

Maybe it is. I've only ever had in England.

Sorry to be the pedantic linguistic bore again, but "beef" has been a verb since the mid-19th century in writing, so must have been in use in the spoken language even longer.

I was thinking about this the other day. I've lived in China for 24 years and have never, ever come across shrimp toast. It may exist somewhere, but... I have come across Ms. Nguyen's open sandwich things in Vietnam though.

In China? No hope.

Didn't have any.

Chicken, chips and pig stomach mushrooms (猪肚菇 zhū dù gū). Visually a bit beige perhaps? Should have hurled some parsley at it! Tasted fine though.

拉麺, ラーメン Ramen with pork, garlic, chilli, baby bok choy, boiled duck egg. OK. I'm not going to be awarded the city keys to Tokyo or any other Japanese city, but it wasn't at all bad.

I got through about 5 stick blenders in 10 years, then bought my Bamix 20 years ago. Still going strong. That makes it cheaper!

I remember visiting my mother in hospital and meeting my new (only sister). That was 1963. My mother was lying in bed with a bottle of Guinness! Even then, still really a kid, but I thought otherwise, I was shocked that she was drinking alcohol! She was normally totally teetotal. Back then it was considered medically advantageous and available on the NHS for free.

Not exactly. If I get in a taxi and ask them to take me to the airport but they take me to the railway station, I sure as hell ain't paying. If they take me to the airport, but drive like a lunatic, I may say something but would stil pay. They have fulfilled the contract. Same with restaurants. If I ask for chicken curry, for example, and they bring me fish, I ain't paying. If they bring me chicken which I don't enjoy, I pay.

But the real question is "how do you open them?"

Unlikely. Malnutrition. I asked him about vegetabes or fruit. He informed me that chips were vegetables and that he had had a banana three years previously. I'd like to say this is a joke. Again, it isn't.

三鲜馄饨 (sān xiān hún tún) - three delicacy wontons in spicy chicken broth with lettuce.