Kissing the Frog

[Dave Hatfield]

No disrespect intended, but I do have a question about kissing in France. These occur whenever we're meeting friend for dinner and quite often when leaving after dinner..

I'm talking about the polite quick pecks on the cheek (or air kisses) exchanged when greeting friends. I'm well aware these are not exclusively French in fact they seem increasingly popular everywhere, however, there seems to be quite a lot of protocol about them here in France.

MY questions:

How many are correct? I'm confused, because...

Anglo-Saxon types seem to go for two.

Most of our 'locals' go for three.

Some friends from Paris insist on four!

Now, once having determined the correct number we come to my second question?

Which side do you start with?

I can just imagine two very enthusiastic greeters getting it wrong and ending up with broken noses.

Please let's not get to serious or philosophical about this.

BReeP

edited to add food content.

Edited January 26, 2007 by Dave Hatfield (log)

[John Talbott]

I'm delighted we're focusing on bussing before and after eating so we'll always be on topic.

We've been down this road before, but I cannot find the thread. I do recall that the answer involves regionality, intimacy and profession - that is, Paris outkisses the provinces, old friends outkiss new ones and in show biz, excess kissing is like it is on late night US TV, I once saw two celebrities airkiss beyond 4.

As for order, you bet; but I've found that my French friends, aware of my geezertude and citizenship, accomodate to my memory and cultural deficiencies and nimbly manage, whichever side I start with (besides, 50% of the time, I must be correct).

Pti?

[Ptipois]

Pti?

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I was sort of dreading to be called on this one.

Cheek-pecking in France is a much inexplored science. What follows is how much (or how little) I know about it.

SURE FACTS

- No particular side, just keep your eyes open and find out which direction the other party is leaning in. You have at most two seconds for this. It is up to you to balance your body movement so that nobody breaks a nose in the action, because your vis-à-vis will certainly balance theirs.

- Paris is two cheeks.

- Montpellier (not sure about other parts of Languedoc) is four cheeks (I mean four kisses alternating on either cheek).

- Brittany is three cheeks but I've been to places where it was four. I don't precisely remember where. Oh well. (Edit: it was the pays bigouden.)

- Air-kissing is generally mocked because it's considered chi-chi, bourgeois, shallow and hypocritical. It's generally done between women who are accustomed to that practice, but most of the population avoids it.

- Of course polite or friendly kissing shouldn't involve excessive display of affection unless the situation requires it. Not getting the other person's cheek wet is good manners (sorry for the detail but it's true). But doing it half-hearted is bad manners too.

UNSURE

- Not sure about other parts of France. Two cheeks is the most common.

Some French-speaking countries of the former colonial empire have kept the French habit of kissing. I've noticed that in Benin where four-cheeks is the common rule (with an additional peck for display of special good vibes or extra affection). I've counted two in Morocco.

- The situation is always changing. Whereas kissing, until recently, was for friends and family, the practice has spread to other situations, much less intimate. Job acquaintances, people working in the same trade where a certain informality is preferred: you may find yourself invited to kiss people you've never seen before. This is done particularly between girls.

- Also, polite kissing between men has become very common, whatever the relationship: friendly, or even diplomatic or professional. It's not easy to draw rules from what you see and I don't think it is related to sexual freedom. It's just that kissing is spreading, and that more and more people do it as an ordinary gesture. As a general rule people in France these days touch each other more than they used to. Kissing is less and less associated with femininity.

It would be very nice (and useful) to write a guidebook of world kissing and greetings gestures, as long as Polly Platt wasn't in the research team I'd gladly buy it. Or volunteer to do the research.

Meanwhile I'll search the web for any information.

Edited January 27, 2007 by Ptipois (log)

[hathor]

Italians start on the left side. It might be the only thing that is consistent in the whole country.

The number of kisses is usually 2, unless you're from Holland...we have 2 Dutchwomen in our little town, who kiss more than anybody else. 3 times for a normal greeting, at least 4 if they haven't seen you for a few days.

[srhcb]

I'm not sure if it's a national policy, or just family practice, but my cousin, her husband and daughters from the Netherlands touch cheeks once, right then left.

SB (took me a while to get the hang of it)

[Shirley]

Thank you for this I spent the summer working in France and found the whole kissing thing a total nightmare!

[Chocolate & Zucchini]

I find that most Parisians (at least those to whom I've had the opportunity to faire la bise) start by leaning to the left so the right cheeks touch first. And two kisses, definitely two.

About air-kissing, I would like to add this: it will look ridiculous and chichi and hypocritical if you overdo it and don't even touch cheeks with the other person, but you are not supposed to kiss the person's cheek full on, either, unless it is a very good friend and you want to express your affection. To me, la bise is more a brushing of the cheeks than an exchange of actual kisses. (And this is especially important if you're wearing a fresh coating of lipstick.)

I've also noticed in recent years that it has become more and more common to reach up and place a hand on the other person's upper arm (same side, just below the shoulder), as you kiss him/her, even if it's someone you're just getting introduced to.

And I second Ptipois's note on men bise-ing each other, although I've only seen it done in a context of friendship, and never on a first encounter.

Clotilde.

[Franci]

Italians start on the left side. It might be the only thing that is consistent in the whole country.

Are you sure?

[Forest]

Something I noticed -and by no means makes it a fact- but in Paris while most of the time i notice people lean left so their right cheeks touch first as said above by C&Z, I used to live in Annecy and it seemed in that area of France people more often started on the other side first. Maybe it was just the people I knew there?

Also, on the hand on the upper arm, I notice & do that, too, but that's more to kind of stabalize myself so I don't fall into someone if I'm leaning towards them.

[Ptipois]

Thank you for this I spent the summer working in France and found the whole kissing thing a total nightmare!

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Oh, what a shame. That's really not what it's for!