Touched by a Waiter

[Tess]

What need for public human contact is there that cannot be covered by shaking hands and the occasional air-kiss? That's what they do at the restaurants where I'm a regular. Because you are looking the person in the eye, you can see how well it's being received and tone it down if indicated. Oh, and I guess you will see someone touch the back of a diner's chair. Actually touching people, especially from behind, seems very risky. Don't people who do this ever get an elbow in the face?

I understand, have experienced and actually enjoy that in some workplaces there is a certain amount of body language such as hip-checking and holding a hand out. It keeps the level of needless babble down. Those habits do tend to spread outside of the kitchen. One of the students at my night-school gig is a chef and has that body language, and he clasps hands with me when he comes in. I'd be fine with everyone doing that. Touching anywhere else? Marginal at best.

[hathor]

having said that a light pat on the back is one thing, caressing a woman's wrist is not appropriate in any situation i can think of.....

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Herein lies the conundrum: people who enjoy food, who might be food obsessed, could easily fall into the category of sensualist. Why would a sensualist deny themselves pleasure?

It was a touch, a moment of connection. He didn't invite me onto the prep tables in the kitchen for a quickie; he had served me food, which is an offering a pleasure, so it's not so far fetched to be touched physically. As far as I'm concerned, we should all touch each other a little more often. Really, that's how I feel.

[plk]

As a customer, I don't mind being bumped or jostled in close quarters -- that's going to happen. And I don't mind being tapped on the shoulder to get my attention. But a caress -- yeesh -- that's just creepy to me. I think I'd want to finish my meal and get out asap.

[Misa]

For the most part, I don't like being touched by other people unless I know them well. In fact, when I was in culinary school, a guy touched me on his way behind me by placing his hand on the small of my back to let me know he was there. Frankly, that almost made me chop off a finger. I know what he was trying to do - and that most people wouldn't be bothered - but I don't like to be randomly touched. We later became good friends and I didn't mind him touching me THEN but when I hadn't even met him before? No way.

That's how I feel about waiters doing it. Unless it's an accidental touch, DON'T do it.

[markk]

My response to this may veer into slightly off-topic areas momentarily, but this is a strange question for me to answer.

You see, the thing is that I am the most touched person on the planet - and almost entirely by other men. There are no situations in life for me in which people do not touch me. Once I point this out to friends and they know to watch for it, they are astounded.

But in any typical day, I will have my back or shoulders not just touched, but "rubbed" or massaged by all sorts of people I encounter, and there have even been situations in which people (men, straight men) have rubbed, tickled, or patted my belly. People I know only in passing; My doormen; People I meet on the street; People I stop to ask questions of.

So it's not at all unusual for me to find the waiter leaning on my shoulders while he talks to our table, or for him to rub my back or shoulders as he passes by.

I've given up trying to figure out why this is, and I no longer have a reaction to it other than to wonder, "why me?"

For what it's worth, I neither look (in any way) like Brad Pitt or Tom Selleck.

But for me, the ship has sailed on how I feel. It's something I've come to accept as a way of life.

[ChefCrash]

For what it's worth, I neither look (in any way) like Brad Pitt or Tom Selleck.

Um.. are you furry?

[petite tête de chou]

A few folks mentioned how they felt about being touched by a server on the following thread...Irritating Server Habits

[insomniac]

For what it's worth, I neither look (in any way) like Brad Pitt or Tom Selleck.

Um.. are you furry?

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I bet you look like a lucky buddha, markk.....or santa:)

[plk]

Or he's a pregnant woman. Just about the fastest way to get all sorts of unwanted touching by strangers is to get preg and have it show.

[markk]

Apparently you'd all make superb police sketch artists - you've got me down perfectly. Except for the pregnant part - I only look like I am.

[LoneFoodie]

Okay, well, I am a server, and I do have a few regulars whom I've come to know so well that, yes, they get a pat on the shoulder or an embrace. Non-regulars, or regulars with whom I don't have a "connection," no way am I going into their personal space that personally!

And if we could put the tray in the other hand for a moment, what makes patrons think they can grab my arm or snap their fingers at me? Hmm? Or, for that matter, grab or slap other parts of my anatomy that only my physician is allowed to deal with? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought!

[cathrynapple]

I feel exactly the same way. And I think anyone offended by a server's touch would never touch the server.

[lapin d'or]

I would say that unwanted attention of any sort is pretty annoying.

I have seen waiters make quite a nuisance of themselves to tables of attractive females, usual endless checking of the ashtray and fussing of the table. Then I also get mad when I see guests demanding contact from the female wait staff. Most recently while at a table with someone celebrating their birthday the guy lurched at the waitress demanding a birthday kiss.

Why does this happen in restaurants so much?

It can't just be the alcohol.

[petite tête de chou]

I would say that unwanted attention of any sort is pretty annoying.

I have seen waiters make quite a nuisance of themselves to tables of attractive females, usual endless checking of the ashtray and fussing of the table. Then I also get mad when I see guests demanding contact from the female wait staff. Most recently while at a table with someone celebrating their birthday the guy lurched at the waitress demanding a birthday kiss.

Why does this happen in restaurants so much? 

It can't just be the alcohol.

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You're right, it's not just the booze. It's a stunning lack of manners justified with a sense of entitlement. Really distasteful.

[Nathan]

Should I touch the waiter?

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no...but you should start tipping them when that is the local custom.

as for the general issue here, I don't see what the big deal is...regardless of the gender of the waiter.

[Nathan]

I will note that in my dining experience, both the nature of the restaurant and the geographic location of the restaurant are HUGE factors in whether such touching occurs and how often.

[andiesenji]

I was born and raised in the south and never have had a problem with casual touching by servers, and I think it may be more common there. (Ditto being called "Honey" or "Sweetie" or "Darlin" etc.)

I have noted there is seldom any physical contact in Asian restaurants but in the local Mexican restaurants there is a certain amount of touching, usually a tap on the shoulder or arm with the admonition "hot plate!" as it is placed on the table.

I certainly don't mind that.

In local restaurants, where I am a regular patron, I often exchange hugs with the owners or the hostess. Come to think of it, they are also from the south (Arkansas and Mississippi), so perhaps it is a regional/cultural thing.

I think it depends on the time, the place and the person as well as my mood.

I don't think I would like gratuitous touching but I know that many people have a habit of touching while in a conversation and there are times that I find that annoying also.

Recently I was at a public function and was cornered by a local politician who kept tapping on my arm to make a point as he was speaking. This really annoyed me and I abruptly excused myself and walked away while he was still trying to make his point. I later spoke to his sister and advised her to speak to him about that annoying habit as it could be interpreted as being overtly aggressive.

When I worked in my mom's bakery, back in the 50s, (Wisconsin) I quickly became used to being touched on my back with an elbow to let me know someone was behind me carrying something hot, a sheet pan, mixer bowl, or container of something. The equipment was often so noisy that one might not hear "behind you" or other warning.

Edited March 26, 2008 by andiesenji (log)

[hjshorter]

For the most part, I don't like being touched by other people unless I know them well. In fact, when I was in culinary school, a guy touched me on his way behind me by placing his hand on the small of my back to let me know he was there. Frankly, that almost made me chop off a finger. I know what he was trying to do - and that most people wouldn't be bothered - but I don't like to be randomly touched. We later became good friends and I didn't mind him touching me THEN but when I hadn't even met him before? No way.

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I went to culinary school twenty years ago. If you didn't move when someone said "behind you" or "hot stuff" you might've got your ass smacked - male or female. It was a different time. If I've got a blazing hot pan and it's too noisy to hear, then chances are pretty good that you're going to get touched.

I thought hathor's story was sweet. I would not have been offended if it happened to me. At places where I'm a regular it's not unusual for me to get a hug or a kiss on the cheek when I come in.

Edited March 27, 2008 by hjshorter (log)

[Busboy]

It's different when it's someone you work with in a restaurant. Most of the workers are trying to communicate on three levels at once during a busy service and a little touch (shoulders or lower back, in my experience) tells them to get the hell out of the way while they take a drink order and you remember who gets the burger. Got fired from a restaurant in uptight New England, once, when the head waitress responded poorly to this type of communication.

For friends -- I'm not much for it, either. I don't like to even air kiss unless there's a reasonable chance the person is tempted to sleep with me, and my wife keeps an eye on that type of activity, so there's very little of that. As an uptight east coast old straight guy, you have to do a certain amount of hugging just so people don't think you're an uptight straight old East Coast white guy, but there's a certain pro forma aspect to it.

Servers? Unless she's also the topless dancer at the club I'm visiting or we're at the point where (s)he is bringing free drinks and I'm tipping like money grows on trees, let's just shake hands and promise to get together again real soon sometime.

Bottom line: in my experience as a waiter and as a customer, people touching you are just being drama queens, and it's just a way to cover up some other shortcoming in the dinner.

[hjshorter]

Bottom line: in my experience as a waiter and as a customer, people touching you are just being drama queens, and it's just a way to cover up some other shortcoming in the dinner.

That may be true if it's a complete stranger, however I suspect being an old, uptight, East Coast straight white guy colors your attitude. Edited March 27, 2008 by hjshorter (log)

[jackal10]

Touching as part of the work "I'm behind you with a hot pan" is quite different from touching so you think better of me.

Another habit I hate as a European is people wishing me "Have a nice day". What sort of day I have is no business of theirs.

On the other hand in Bristol a normal turn of phrase is "my lover" which can be quite disconcerting the first time you hear it. Roughly equivalent to "dear". "Would you like some more potatoes, my lover?"

[insomniac]

Touching as part of the work "I'm behind you with a hot pan" is quite different from touching so you think better of me.

Another habit I hate as a European is people wishing me "Have a nice day". What sort of day I have is no business of theirs.

On the other hand in Bristol a normal turn of phrase is "my lover" which can be quite disconcerting the first time you hear it. Roughly equivalent to "dear". "Would you like some more potatoes, my lover?"

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when wished to 'have a nice day' a Kiwi friend of mine inevitably replies, 'no thanks, I've made other plans'... leads to the odd confused look...

I live deep in 'my lover' territory....love it...but as yet no touching,not even in my local...

[Laksa]

I don't see how a server saying "Have a nice day" is any different from saying "Good evening" or "Good afternoon". The server is merely following prevailing social protocols.

Don't be hatin', start participatin'.

"Have a nice life", on the other hand...

[insomniac]

I don't see how a server saying "Have a nice day" is any different from saying "Good evening" or "Good afternoon".  The server is merely following prevailing social protocols. 

Don't be hatin', start participatin'.

"Have a nice life", on the other hand...

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there is a perception by people other than in the USA that the greeting is not perhaps as sincere as it initially sounds. i.e it is not a prevailing social protocol elsewhere

[tino27]

I don't see how a server saying "Have a nice day" is any different from saying "Good evening" or "Good afternoon".  The server is merely following prevailing social protocols. 

Don't be hatin', start participatin'.

"Have a nice life", on the other hand...

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there is a perception by people other than in the USA that the greeting is not perhaps as sincere as it initially sounds. i.e it is not a prevailing social protocol elsewhere

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I think even in the USA, there isn't much sincerity in the phrase either. It is simply treated as an end piece to an encounter with someone you may or may not know. It is normally followed by a, "Thank you." or, "You, too." I think it is treated in the same vein as, "How are you today?" when asked by a complete stranger. Clearly this is not an invitation for me to vent all of my daily frustrations.