maggiethecat

Schmaltz works like a dream.

This round's closed, and I'd like to thank you all for providing some Serious Mirth. Watch TDG this week for the winners. I am awarding an Honorable Mention to Jason Perlow. The Man, because of his elevated position, can't actually win, and he controls the the Giant Motherlode of eGullet thongs anyway...but if not for pesky competition rules, Sosumi and Kvetching Tiger would have been battling for a top spot. The "Dark and Stormy" silliness is still open--so very open, as open as her patio doors as she gazes onto the rosebushes, as open as the half bottle of Barbera she found on her kitchen counter this morning, as open as her mind as she contemplates whether to have the leftover brisket or the leftover mock porchetta from "Zuni Cafe" for lunch, as open as the hand of a child asking for two bucks to give the ice cream man.

Paul: Good things come to those who wait! Your idea has been added to my file. Now get over to Competition "Hop, Skip and Jump...I'm still waiting to award a prize there. Hey...and that means everyone!

Welcome to eGullet, geewill. And please tell us more about Pugliese homestyle cooking.

Estrellita: Tremendous post, evocative and informative. To say I'm jealous of your experience is not even the half of it. Yes, our fellow Nordamericanos can make us cringe. We sould all simply leap into the experience, as you did. And, you do sell yourself short. Question: Of all the dishes you learned, which is going to be the first to appear on your dinner table in Georgia?

Now I understand. Thanks.

What's a capacitive effect? It sure sounds useful!

Labatt's IPA was my father's beer of coice when I was growing up, and that's the first Beer Memory I have. I loved it. It was hard, almost impossible to find in my home town---hardcore Ex territory with a Bleu minority. A depanneur special-ordered it for Daddy and his paper mill superintendant. Does Labatt still make an IPA? Is it any good, or is this yet another Fond Childhood Memry?

Weclome Junes! The Literary Smackdown is honored to receive your Post #1.

Yes. Friends of ours thought it was romantic...and it was. A little inn in New Bern, NC. For about two years. They sold the Inn and saved the marriage.

Perhaps this needs its own thread, but it's related enough for me to inquire: I have a beer, a bottle opener, and a cigarette. How do I light a cigarette with a bottleopener? (This actually happens a lot.)

Nick...I've considered this idea and agree it could be a kick. Almost as good as some bio threads! Check this space soon. And: I want more bad writing, dammit!

Oh dear...could this be "The Last of Cheri?"

Well, yes and no, if you've seen my sample entry. Kit, how really cool! I hope your esteemed relative will understand. And I'd just bet he'd love to see if his writing talent has been passed down through the generations.

You want to dare me, eh? Of course I do, jh! These could be so much worse. I dare you all. And even though, technically, the entry is supposed to be the first sentence only...hell! Ramble on! Give me the first chapter if it feels right to you. But please...No Good Writing!

Bad, and hilarious, as these are (and they are!) we can still do worse!

Post 'em here...if they're bad to the bone!

There is only one other writing competition that's a serious threat to the eGullet Literary Smackdown, and I don't mean the Booker, Pulitzer, or National Book Award....heck no. The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest carries a lot more cachet with me. This is the immortal line that is the raison d'etre of that other contest. I'll bet you a plate of guajalote's pulled pork that you are familiar with the first phrase. "It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness." --Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford (1830) The award goes to the years's most god-awful opening sentence for a novel. If you have that sad stack of unfinished fiction lurking in your bottom drawer, grabbing a winner from the first graf will be a piece of cake; well, for me it was! And if you've ever considered a low-paying career with no dental plan, start writing that novel today. Remember: You don't need to get any further than the first full stop. That dog's breakfast of sentence is all we need for the purposes of this competition. But : Your sentence must include one food reference. Any food reference. Obviously, I have no pride, no shame, and adequate storage, because I could actually locate the MS of "Mill Manager's Daughter." First sentence: "I remember the blue of the sky, like the robe of the Virgin Mary, and the stars plastered against the sky, like tiny star-shaped pasta glued to a piece of construction paper in fifth-grade science class---the one that showed the celestial map of the northern sky." (Gimme a break, I was sixteen!) Check out their winning entries here:these babies are bad! We can do worse, much worse. It's a matter of pride. (Deadline: Midnight June 28th, in a time zone of your choice. Please remember to post your entries not here, but there.) Edited for the usual: Sloppy proofreading. Sorry all.

Ed...how absolutely smashing! Congratulations. eGullet doesn't simply enlarge the tummy and spread the butt...it encourages a little sail into other waters. I'll be checking out the magazine section at Border's as soon as possible. Great going. And Pierre and Joynme, welcome!

Thank you, thank you Spencer! I have been trying to convince, er foodies, about this for years. Flat leaf, curly leaf. It's all parsley. Period. Your pronouncement about the parsley question might be the most important thing to happen on eGullet this week. Yeah, fifty nine cents is the only difference. And the flat leaf gets slimey faster.

Toss lots of it,(I know, my plant's huge too) on the coals when you're smoking. But, actually, Mr. Smoke, Chicago Chapter...you probably do this.

Zilla: Congratulations! A short story in limericks: that's ambitious. Bask in your well-deserved glory.

Congratulations, btw. Gee...I just awarded a prize for a clean limerick.

Dean: We've done pizza and foccacia and suchlike on the grill. Works perfectly, tastes wonderful, and, in some miracle of nature, never sticks! Report back, of course.

My mother makes these, and they are fabulous, and a little less work than devilled eggs. (Yum, devilled eggs!) But...if it's really hot, wouldn't the mayo in the DEs provide some kind of Botulism Insurance. OTOH: Devilled eggs sell fast. And whenever I plan an outdoor event the temp can hit the low forties, even in August.