Daniel Rogov

Staying in tune with the Italian theme, I'd go for a Puglia Primitivo or, as a close second, a not-too alcoholic California Zinfandel.

I do not think this thread is at all about "snobbism". I think it relates to the issue of quality. In that I am reminded of the saying found in nearly all faiths..... "If it is 'like' an egg, it is not as good as an egg". If you call it Parmesan or Parmigiano and it doesn't carry the seal of that Consortia di Parmigiano it ain't real Parmesan and it ain't as good!!!

Two anecdotes "from the war", both with happy endings... (1) Na’ama Mualem, the senior winemaker at Israel's Dalton Winery is a rather petite young woman. During the shelling, knowing that the grapes needed tending immediately before harvest, Na'ama donned a flack jacket and helmet and made her way to the vineyards every day. (2) Serge Hochar of Lebanon's Chateau Musar was sitting in his office at the winery when a bomb fell and exploded some fifty meters from the winery. Several windows were shattered but no-one was injured. As to wine, the harvests in both Lebanon and Israel are proceding on schedule. Considering the proximity of the two countries, the harvest dates are quite similar. Winemakers in both countries report lower than usual yields but high quality grapes making their way to the wineries.

Indeed not an uncommon phenomenon. See http://www.racerocks.com/racerock/eco/taxa...bias/fabias.htm

Agreed, and that is why I use the term for "peppery". When it comes to other spices I try hard to isolate precisely which those are (cinnamon, cloves, juniper berries, etc)

I grimace in memory of making the rounds of book-signing parties for my publisher and, from New York to San Francisco and Maine to Florida it was a seemingly infinite number of either chicken dishes (mostly either with an ubiquitous white sauce or Southern Fried) or salmon steaks (invariably cooked to death) and a ton of lumpy mashed potatoes. On one occasion I was actually asked what I would like served at the dinner and I suggested 300 gram hamburgers, medium-rare. Served with a nice Julianas wine that was the best book-signing party I ever attended.

When I use the term "spicy" as a descriptor it implies a light peppery sensation imparted to the palate. As to the question of "tastes" in general, the six (or seven, depending on how you define them) to which we usually refer are not fully adequate for wine. For example, one sometimes says a wine has a flinty or a mineral-rich flavor. Now it is well known that neither flint nor minerals have a formal "taste" but I can assure you that if you touch your tongue to the metal on a gun-barrel (taking great care as you do so - the purpose is to gain a taste sensation, not to commit suicide) you will know precisely what flint "tastes like" or if you touch your tongue to a coin you will have a good idea of the "taste" of metal.

At the risk of being self-promoting, a good way to get to know Israeli wines would be to read my annual little book "Rogov's Guide to Israeli Wines". The 2006 edition has been available for nearly a year and the 2007 (the third annual) will make its official worldwide debut on 28 September. Should anyone be interested, further information can be found at my publishers web site at http://www.tobypress.com/books/rogov.htm

Adrian, Hi... I'll have to disagree on the reason for the sweet, high alcohol wines. After all, the climates of many parts of Spain, southern Italy and France and certainly of North Africa are much the same, if not even hotter than those of Israel and they never specialized in such wines. I think the major reason for the continuation of such wines (even in the USA thanks to Manischewitz and Mogen David, for example) is due to what Tevye so generously called "tradition"..... In many Jewish homes wine was more a part of sacramental than every day culture, being used more for Friday night kiddush (blessings), and on holidays such as Rosh haShanah and Passover. I think the major switch started coming about as an increasing number of Jews the world over came to recognize that wine could be far more than merely sacramental, but also a part of a cultured and sophisticated lifestyle.

The wines of Sea Horse and Chateau Golan are not kosher. As a rule of thumb, the wines of all of the large wineries are kosher, those of medium-sized wineries are generally kosher, and the wines of the boutique and artisanal wineries may or may not be kosher, most being not kosher. Keep in mind that the image of kosher wines as sweet, red, coarse and otherwise abominable is long gone in Israel and there is no contradiction whatever between making wines that are both kosher and of high quality.

I'll agree that in some cases it might be wise to let the army know that you're coming, especially considering that much of the harvest is done in the hours of darkness. Even soldiers get nervous when they see guys running around the fields with sharp pruning shears late at night. Harvest is now in full swing throughout the country including the entire Upper Galilee. Predictions are for a small but high quality harvest. No connection whatever between that and the war. Harvest is also now in full swing in Lebanon's Bakaa valley and the prediction there too is for small yields and high quality.

None of the vineyards of northern or southern Israel have been "occupied" by the army. The few tanks you've seen in photographs are there entirely as a preventive measure and have done absolutely minimal damage to the vineyards. I am quite certain that the army and the wineries are well aware that those tanks also offer wonderful photo-ops. Most of the tanks that remain in the north now are parked comfortably on the side of roads, protected by hillsides and do not interfere either with the vineyards or even the traffic. Now it is true that life in Israel tends to have a black humor side to it. On any visit, for example to the wineries on the Golan (Golan Heights Winery, Bazelet ha Golan, etc) even in the most peaceful of times you will hear the constant sound of tank and mortar fire, that not because we're constantly at war but because there are military training zones in the area. I recall one year at a festival at the Golan Heights Winery that one visitor from the United States broke into a cold sweat every time he heard one of those tank cannons go off. A few good glasses of Katzrin red settled him down comfortably

Indeed, although the importation of Lebanese wines is not allowed into Israel (nor are Israeli wines allowed to be imported into Lebanon), sophisticated wine drinkers in both countries have gotten to know each others' wines, those partly by tastings in London and partly by tastings in Tel Aviv, those wines making it to Tel Aviv and Beirut in valises as people return from trips abroad. More than this, winemakers from both countries meet regularly at VinExpo and other such venues and often visit each others booths, there to talk, to exchange information and do to tastings. Within Israel there is nothing "secretive" at all about tastings of Lebanese wines. During the height of the war Andre Suidan, a well known wine lover and owner of one of Israel's best wine shops (in Haifa) held an Israeli-Lebanese Tasting for Peace at his shop and before that members of my own forum held an extensive tasting of Lebanese wines. My own cellar has wines from Musar, Kefraya, Ksara, Massaya, Wardy and Clos de Cana.

MerseyMike, I won't make any political points or pointed remarks but will ask if you've tasted some of Israel's better wines lately.... you might be in for some positive surprises. Will also add that should anyone want to know a great deal about Lebanese wines read Michael Karam's Wines of Lebanon (2005 Saqi Press, ISBN 0-86356-598-0) It might also surprise many to realize that quite a few Israeli and Lebanese winemakers get along rather splendidly. So, for that matter, do several of the wine critics of both nations.

Best way I can respond to the question of which grape varieties are grown in Israel is to quote from the 2007 edition of my book "Rogov's Guide to Israeli Wines". Apologies for length..... The last two decades have seen a major upheaval in the vineyards of Israel. Prior to 1985 the grapes planted were largely Carignan, Petite Sirah and Grenache for red and rosé wines, and Semillon, Emerald Riesling, and Colombard for whites. The wineries focused on light, white and often sweet wines, and only a handful of noble varieties were to be found in the country. The scene shifted dramatically with the development of vineyards planted with noble varieties, first on the Golan Heights, then in the Upper Galilee. Today, from the Negev Desert to the northernmost parts of the country, the focus is on many of those varieties that have proven themselves throughout the world. Unlike many of the wine-growing regions, especially in Europe, Israel does not have any indigenous grapes that might be considered appropriate for making wine. The closest the country came to having its own grape was the introduc-tion of the Argaman grape, a cross between Souzao and Carignan grapes. Widely planted in the early 1980s, that ex-periment proved a fiasco; although the grape yielded wines deep in color, they lacked flavor, depth or body. In the list that follows, those grapes capable of producing quality wines in Israel are noted with an asterisk (*). White Wine Grapes Chardonnay: The grape that produces the great dry white wines of Burgundy and is indispensable to the production of Champagne. The most popular white wine grape in the world today, producing wines that can be oaked or un-oaked, and range in flavors from flinty-minerals to citrus, pineapple, tropical fruits and grapefruit, and in texture from minerally-crisp to creamy. (*) Chenin Blanc: Originating in France’s central Loire Valley, this thin-skinned and acidic grape has a high sugar content that can give aromas and flavors of honey and damp straw. Within Israel the grape has largely produced wines best cate-gorized as ordinary, and often semi-dry. Colombard: Known in Israel as French Colombard and pro-ducing mostly thin and acidic wines. Emerald Riesling: A cross between the Muscadelle and Ries-ling grapes developed in California primarily for growth in warm climates, the grape produces mostly semi-dry wines of little interest. Gewurztraminer: This grape originated in Germany, came to its glory in Alsace and has now been transplanted to many parts of the world. Capable of producing aromatic dry and sweet wines that are often typified by their softness and spici-ness, as well as distinctive aromas and flavors of litchis and rose petals. (*) Muscat: There are many varieties of Muscat, the two most often found in Israel being the Muscat of Alexandria and Muscat Canelli, both of which are capable of producing wines that range from the dry to the sweet and are almost always typified by their perfumed aromas. Riesling: Sometimes known in Israel as Johannisberg Riesling, sometimes as White Riesling and sometimes simply at Ries-ling, this noble German variety has the potential to produce wines that although light in body and low in alcohol are highly flavored and capable of long aging. Typified by aromas and flavors of flowers, minerals, lime, and when aged, sometimes taking on a tempting petrol-like aroma. (*) Sauvignon Blanc: At its best in the Loire Valley and Bordeaux for producing dry white wines, this successful transplant to Israel is capable of producing refreshing, sophisticated and distinctively aromatic and grassy wines, often best consumed in their youth. (*) Semillon: Although this native French grape was used for many years in Israel to produce largely uninteresting semi-dry white wines, its susceptibility to noble rot is now being taken advantage of to produce sweet dessert wines with the distinc-tive bouquet and flavors of melon, fig and citrus. (*) Traminette: A not overly exciting hybrid, a derivative of the Gewurztraminer grape, developed primarily for use in cold weather New York State and Canadian climates. Viognier: The most recent white wine transplant to Israel, this grape produces the fascinating Condrieu wines of France’s Rhone Valley. Capable of producing aromatic but crisply dry whites and full-bodied whites, some of which have long aging potential. (*) Red Wine Grapes Argaman: An Israeli-inspired cross between Souzao and Carignan grapes. Possibly best categorized as the great local wine failure, producing wines of no interest. Many of the vineyards that were planted with Argaman continue to be uprooted to make room for more serious varieties. Barbera: From Italy’s Piedmont region, this grape has the potential for producing wines that although light and fruity are capable of great charm. (*) Cabernet Sauvignon: The most noble variety of Bordeaux, capable of producing superb wines, often blended with smaller amounts of Merlot and Cabernet Franc. The best wines from this grape are rich in color and tannins, and have complex aromas and depth of flavors, those often typified by blackcurrants, spices and cedar wood. At their best, intriguing and complex wines that profit from cellaring. (*) Cabernet Franc: Less intense and softer than Cabernet Sauvi-gnon, most often destined to be blended with Merlot and Cabernet Sauvignon, but even on its own capable of produc-ing dramatically good, leafy, fruity and aromatic reds. (*) Carignan: An old-timer on the Israeli scene, this originally Spanish grape produces largely dull and charmless wines. Still commonly planted within Israel but increasingly destined for distillation in the making of brandy and liqueurs. Several smaller wineries are, however, demonstrating that old-vine Carignan grapes, especially those in fields that have been un-watered for many years, can produce interesting and high quality wines. Gamay: The well-known grape of France’s Beaujolais region, this fairly recent introduction to Israel is capable of producing light to medium-bodied wines of fragrance and charm, in-tended primarily for drinking in their youth. (*) Grenache: Although this grape has done well in France’s Rhone Valley and Spain, it has not yielded sophisticated wines in Israel, most being somewhat pale, overripe and sweet in nature. Probably at its best for blending at this stage. Watch for future developments though. Malbec: Well known in France’s Bordeaux, the Loire and Cahors, this grape is capable of producing dense, rich, tannic and spicy wines that are remarkably dark in color. (*) Merlot: Softer, more supple and often less tannic than Caber-net Sauvignon, with which it is often blended, but capable of producing voluptuous, opulent, plummy wines of great inter-est. A grape that has proven popular on its own as it produces wines that are easier to drink and are approachable earlier than wines made from Cabernet Sauvignon. (*) Nebbiolo: The grape from which the Barolo and Barbaresco wines of Italy’s Piedmont region are made. Still experimental in Israel but with the potential for producing perfumed, fruity and intense wines that are full-bodied, high in tannins, acidity and color, and have the potential for long-term cellaring. (*) Petit Verdot: Planted only in small quantities and used in Is-rael as it is in Bordeaux, primarily for blending with other noble varieties to add acidity and balance. Capable on its own of producing a long-lived and tannic wine when ripe. (*) Petite Sirah: Related only peripherally to the great Syrah grape, this grape at its best is capable of producing dark, tan-nic and well-balanced wines of great appeal and sophistica-tion, but that potential has been obtained only once or twice in Israel, the grape being used too often to produce mass-market wines that tend to be hot, tannic and without charm. A few small wineries manage to obtain excellent wines from this variety. Pinot Noir: A relatively recent transplant to Israel, this grape, which is responsible for the great reds of Burgundy, is making a very good initial showing. At its best the grape is capable of producing smooth, rich and intricate wines of exquisite quali-ties, with flavors of cherries, wild berries and violets and, as they age, take on aromas and flavors of chocolate and game meat. Also used in Israel, as in the Champagne region of France, to blend with Chardonnay to make sparkling wines. (*) Pinotage: A South African cross between Pinot Noir and Cin-sault, capable of being flavorful and powerful, yet soft and full, with a pleasing sweet finish and a lightly spicy overlay. (*) Sangiovese: Italy’s most frequently planted variety, found in the simplest Chianti and most complex Brunello di Montal-cino wines, this is another grape recently introduced to Israel, showing fine early results with wines that are lively, fruity and full of charm. (*) Syrah: Some believe that this grape originated in ancient Per-sia and was brought to France by the Romans, while others speculate that it is indigenous to France. Syrah found its first glory in France’s northern Rhone Valley, and then in Australia (where it is known as Shiraz). Capable of producing deep royal purple tannic wines that are full-bodied enough to be thought of as dense and powerful, but with excellent balance and complex aromas and flavors of plums, berries, currants, black pepper and chocolate. First results from this grape have been exciting and plantings are increasing dramatically. (*) Tempranillo: The staple grape of Spain’s Rioja area, with re-cent plantings in Israel, this is a grape with the potential for producing long-lived complex and sophisticated wines typi-fied by aromas and flavors of black fruits, leather, tobacco and spices. (*) Zinfandel: Zinfandel is not exactly new in Israel, but until recently the vines that had been planted were capable of producing only mediocre semi-dry blush wines. What is new are recently planted high-quality vines from California that offer the potential for producing full-bodied to massive wines, moderately to highly alcoholic, with generous tannins and the kind of warm berry flavors that typify these wines at their best. (*)

What I've done on three occasions when the management refused to cooperate was to take my own cell phone to the mens' room, phone the restaurant, request that the person talking on his/her cellphone take my call and when they came to the phone to quite quietly disconnect. Revenge is soooo sweet.

Interesting.....the war is over and every restaurant in Tel Aviv, Jerusalem and Haifa was packed this evening. Phoned five restaurants for reservations this afternoon.....every one was booked. We wound up eating in our neighborhood sushi joint. Great fun

To John L.'s post above only one word: Bravo!!!! And if I had to add three more words those would be "Continuez, Monsieur.....Continuez!"* *For those not familiar with French colloquialisms, there is no higher compliment one person can pay another.

Forget the microwave and offer up Crab Louis. And with that a nice bottle of crisply unoaked Sauvignon Blanc.....

Enjoying reading Michelle's blog enormously but let me throw in one reminder here to those who may not be aware: Many of the very best cheese producing dairies, like many of the very best wines, and indeed the vast majority of the country's best restuarants are not kosher. Indeed, with the exception of one supermarket chain (Tiv Ta'am) all of the supermarkets are kosher and everything that enters there must be kosher but when it comes to the shuks and the upswing shops far from all is kosher, at this point in time fewer than 40% of the country maintaining kashrut on a full- or part-time basis.

Unlike most crustaceans (lobsters, crabs, etc), frogs do have a fairly highly developed central nervous system and indeed feel pain. Most humane way to dispatch them (as someone earlier pointed out) is indeed to place them in a large bowl or champagne bucket with filled 1/2 with water, 1/2 with ice. That indeed numbs them. After they are numbed (they will no longer react if touched in the stomach area) best is to quickly decapitate them. After that remove and skin the legs and proceed with whatever recipe you have.

Consider a truly green salad - romaine lettuce (chasa Aravi), baby leaves, arugula, fresh basil and a hint of fresh mint, those with a vinaigrette (lemon juice, olive oil, crushed garlic, salt, pepper, dash of mustard). And so help me if you add even a single cherry tomato I'll come to your home and spank you!!!!

Michelle asked me earlier to jump in with comments about Sima and their "me'yurav Yerushalmi" (mixed Jerusalem grill). Following is my mini-crit that gives some of the details. Sima * Rehov Agrippas 82, Jerusalem. Tel. (02) 623-3002 Despite its hyper-simplicity, this Jerusalem landmark is nearly always packed, and most come here to feast on the magnificent "mixed Jerusalem grill" - a mixture of chicken hearts, gizzards, livers and other chicken innards with bits of lamb, all of which have been seasoned marvelously with a mixture of spices so secret that the owner swears that no manner of torture, coaxing or bribery will get him to reveal his ingredients, before being griddle-fried with generous amounts of onion and garlic. On one occasion, after three glasses of Arak, the owner confessed to me that he uses allspice, black pepper, cumin, tumeric and coriander. With a sly smile though he then told me he also uses something called "pilpel Gruzini" ("Georgian pepper"). That not a living soul within a thousand kilometers has the foggiest idea of what Georgian pepper is probably more than mere coincidence. Whatever, fare fit for the gods! Order it by the plateful if you want to be among the hoi-polloi but do it in a pita if you truly want to enjoy yourself. Also worth trying are the grilled kebabs and lamb chops, each of which are accompanied by really good cole slaw, pickles, olives, and Turkish salad. Good for a casual feast at any time of the day. Open 10:00 – 01:00. Closed Friday night and Saturday until the end of the Sabbath. Reasonable prices. Kosher. As to chicken and turkey schnitzels.....I remember when first arriving in Israel (to which I often refer fondly as DisneyLand Middle-East) ordering a schnitzel and finding that it was made from chicken. I wanted to kill the cook and commit suicide. Schnitzel, by heaven, is made from veal!!!!!!! So much so that in Vienna if you substitute pork (the only acceptable substitute to Viennese) the menu has to say that in bold letters. I suppose over the years I've accepted the chicken schnitzel as part of Israeli life. On a pita, with shredded cabbage, any of a doen hot pepper sauces, perhaps a bit of amba, perhaps some sliced onions.......Only way to go! Finally, with regard to shwarma made from goose. Oh yes!!!!!! And if it was not a few minutes after midnight here I'd be running out to find one to stop my salivation.

Doc said it in a few very appropriate words. I'll expand on those a bit... Not very long ago, Daniel Bourillot died. The world goes on much as it was, however, because most people are blissfully unaware of the fact that Bourillot ever even lived. In truth, even most of those who had come in contact with him probably never knew his name. Bourillot was, after all, "only a waiter" and the fact that he died six months after he celebrated his 100th birthday was merely a curiosity. I first met Bourillot, who was a waiter at the restaurant in the "Touring Balance" hotel in Geneva, when he was a far younger man - a mere seventy. Even then, however, Bourillot was far more than a mere waiter. He was a professional, a man who took his job with seriousness and pride. As most European waiters, he had started his career at the age of 12, working as a "piccolo" - an apprentice waiter whose job includes clearing dishes from tables, cleaning ashtrays and mopping floors after the last customer has gone home. At sixteen, to the great pride of his parents, he was promoted to the rank of assistant waiter and by twenty-two he was acknowledged by his peers as a full-fledged waiter. Only when he attained the age of 58 did he finally attain the status of being the senior waiter in the restaurant. Bourillot could have retired with a good pension at 75 but so enjoyed his work that he chose to continue at the restaurant. Even when he celebrated his 100th birthday, he continued to work four days every week. It is true that he had assistants who carried the heavy trays and did the most difficult parts of his work, but he insisted on personally greeting his regular clients, seating them, taking their orders and presenting them with the bill. I last saw Bourillot about five years ago. At that time he proudly boasted that he had been to the funerals of "three wives, three owners of the hotel and more chefs than I can remember". He attributed his longevity to his daily habit "of drinking a small glass of white wine with my morning croissant, a carafe of red wine with my dinner, and a very small glass of eau-de-vie de framboises just before I go to sleep". Whatever his personal habits, Bourillot knew, as do most of his European colleagues, that whether people have chosen to dine in a prestigious or an ordinary restaurant, the waiter is of no less importance to the success of a meal than the chef. He was also privy to a great secret - that as go-betweens between the chef and the diner, waiters have the option of transforming the most ordinary meal into an absolute delight or of changing the greatest gastronomic delights into an ordeal of pain, suffering and embarrassment. Bourillot would have been absolutely shocked at the level of service found in many restaurants. In honor of his memory, I have compiled the following list of personal complaints, a compendium of the sins most often committed by waiters, waitresses and maitres d'hotel. To his great honor, during his long career, Bourillot was never guilty of any of them. On Entering a Restaurant - I have nothing but contempt for the waiter, waitress or maitre d'hotel who ignores me after I have entered and leaves me standing at the entrance or in the foyer of their restaurants. No guest should have to wait more than sixty seconds to be greeted after they have entered a restaurant. - I sense hostility in waiters whose first words are "A table for two?". It really does not take very much time to greet one's clients with a polite greeting. "Good evening", or "Hello" will do. - Especially at restaurants where I am not known (and this happens most often in cafe-restaurants and fast-food eateries), I become upset by waiters who greet me with the kind of warmth and affection usually reserved for one's family members of lovers. Such greetings are so obviously artificial that they are offensive. - I smile, but only barely, when waiters ask me banal or useless questions such as" "May I help you"? Obviously they can help me. Otherwise I would not be standing there. - Especially in prestigious restaurants, waiters frequently surprise me by forgetting that every client has a title, even if it is only "sir" or "ma'am". - Far too many waiters have forgotten that in addition to being a rampart of civilization, politeness is also the basis of good service. The ideal waiter, for example, will be friendly but not familiar and formal but not stiff. They should realize that with few exceptions when regular clients ask them about their health they should reply "I am well, thank you" and not give a detailed medical bulletin. - I become agitated by waiters who inform me that my table "will be ready in five minutes" when they know full well that it will be at least twenty minutes. I much prefer honesty because that gives me the option of choosing another restaurant or sitting at the bar and enjoying an aperitif until my table really is ready. - When being seated, some guests will request a specific table and if that table is not reserved, there is no reason why their request should not be granted. Other guests, usually in a party of two, will sometimes request a table that is generally used to seat four. If the restaurant is not crowded and if a rush of guests is not expected, the couple should be given the larger table. Many, including this writer, will be deeply offended if they are forced to sit at a table for two when all of the larger tables are still empty. Once I Have Been Seated - Once I have been seated, I do not enjoy having to wait for ten or minutes until my waiter finally decides to bring me a menu. - Once the menu has been presented, I become upset by waiters who cannot answer my questions intelligently. If I want to know, for example, whether the shrimp in a certain dish have been boiled or fried, the waiter should either know or should check for me. I absolutely despise the answer "How should I know?" - I rapidly develop a sharp sense of dislike for waiters who have to be constantly reminded to keep my water and wine glass filled or that the ash trays on the table should be replaced as they become dirty. - I have no respect for waiters who, when they bring your dishes to the table ask "Who gets what?". This question shows a lack of concern for me and waiters should be well enough trained that they remember which dish goes to which person. - Although service need not always be formal, it should always be correct and careful. I do not appreciate waiters who place dishes on the table noisily; I become frustrated by waiters who do not know the correct locations of forks, knives and spoons; and I fume quietly when waiters treat my food with disdain. - I do not like waiters who feel that they can ignore me once they have placed the food on my table. It is perfectly acceptable in the middle of a meal to realize that something extra is needed (extra sauce for a salad or a pepper grinder, for example) but there are few things more frustrating than when one cannot catch the eye of his waiter. - If I receive a dish that I consider inferior and want to return it to the kitchen, I do not want the waiter to fight with me. If I have received a dish that is not what I ordered, I do not expect the waiter to become aggressive or defensive. I expect that my dish will be replaced. When, for example, as happened to me recently, I received an omelet that was hot on the surface but cold inside, I did not appreciate the waitress who looked at me as if I were quite insane and remarked "that's ridiculous ". I do not expect my waiter or waitress to enter into a battle of wills with me. I expect polite, good service. - I never get upset with waiters who make honest errors. Even the most dedicated and experienced waiters have occasionally spilled soup on a customer. In cases of minor incidents, waiters should do no more than apologize quietly. In the event of a major accident on the part of the waiter (an entire bowl of soup in a customer's lap, for example), the waiter should apologize and the owner or maitre d'hotel of the restaurant should offer remuneration. Under no circumstances, however, do I appreciate a waiter who denies his or her responsibility or becomes aggressive. - Even customers make errors (using the wrong fork with the wrong dish, spilling soup onto the tablecloth, knocking a wine glass over), but no matter what faux pas guests commit, they should never be made to feel silly. I actively dislike waiters who try to make their customers feel guilty or foolish. - Too many waiters, both male and female, tend to relate to women as if this were the 19th century. I do not appreciate waiters who ignore the women and listen only to the men at the table. Nor do I appreciate waiters, especially in "better" restaurants who automatically assume that men will order for women. I also become upset when wine is automatically given to the man at the table for tasting. Waiters should be taught that members of either sex are equally qualified to taste wine. They should also be taught that it is terribly bad manners to address a woman only through their male companion. Women also have voices and opinions and it is time that most waiters learned this. - Because children have no rank and nothing can be gained from them, it is especially easy for waiters to be rude to young people. I have a special grudge against waiters who have such an attitude. - There are few things more disturbing to me than seeing a waiter with a finger in a glass or in my bowl of soup. - I do not know why most waiters cannot learn that even in the simplest restaurants, life can be more comfortable for all involved if only they would serve dishes from the right and to clear them from the left. More than correct etiquette, this allows a logical flow of action, especially at large tables when more than one waiter may be serving. - For some reason, many waiters have never learned to judge the appropriate moment for removing dishes from the table. If one person at the table finishes his or her meal before the others, it is not appropriate to clear their setting before the others have eaten because this gives guests the feeling they are being rushed. (An exception to this rule should, of course, be made if a guest asks for his plate to be removed). From the moment the last person at the table has completed their meal, clearing should be done as quickly and unobtrusively as possible. - I hate nothing more than having to make desperate attempts at any time during my meal to catch the eye of my waiter. There is a world-famous cartoon (originally published in the "New Yorker Magazine" in 1936) about the restaurant guest who is having a heart attack and, when he finally manages to catch the eye of a waiter, the waiter responds by saying "I'm sorry sir, but its not my table". Although they should not be expected to serve tables other than their own, waiters should respond politely to requests and refer them to the waiter who is serving that table. No matter whose table it may be, no waiter should ignore simple, polite requests. After The Meal - Like most people, I like to receive my bill promptly after I have finished even the most leisurely of meals. Because too many waiters think their job is over when they have given my coffee or brandy, many an otherwise enjoyable meal has been spoiled for me by trying desperately to get a bill. - I do not like waiters who, once they have presented the bill, then linger at my table waiting for payment. The waiter should retreat to give me a chance to review the bill before I make payment. If I have questions about the bill, my questions should be answered promptly and politely (and not, as so often happens, defensively) and once I have put cash, a check or a credit card on the table it should be quickly picked up. Change should also be made quickly. - Once the bill has been paid, too many waiters and maitres d' hotel really show their scorn by ignoring customers completely. Guests should be thanked. They should also be asked if everything was to their satisfaction. Even though most departing clients will not respond in depth to that question, the maitre d'hotel or owner who is seeing them to the door should be prepared to listen to any complaints or comments his guests may have had. If clients go to the trouble to say what they really feels, they should be taken seriously. Let it be known that I have enormous respect for waiters, regardless of whether they are life-time professionals or students working part time, if they add to the pleasure of my meal. I do not expect waiters to grovel before me, nor do I perceive them as my personal servants. I do, however feel that I have the right to respect and good service and when I receive these I reciprocate with respect and a good tip.

Now THAT is a fine example of both an oxymoron and an obscenity. Written, bien sur, with all due respect to those who make it and those who drink it for sacramental purposes.