I could have ghostwritten this. I'm amazed I didn't. My favorites: "If my kid went through college and then told me he wanted to follow his dream of being an artisanal candymaker named Williamsburg Wonka, I would beat his ass. No remorse." "The Williams-Sonoma catalog will not rest until you need a separate pot for every single goddamn thing you make.QUICK! SOMEONE FETCH ME THE GOAT CHEESE FRITATTA SKILLET! No, not the Western Frittata skillet, you MORON! " "Oh, and just add my favorite filling? HOW? With my croissonut filling pot? Hey, you know what? I'm selling my own cronut knockoff, too. Pay me $80, and I'll come to your house with a bag of flour, and then I'll kick you in the shins. The kick is gluten-free." "I really dispute the "new and exclusive" tag being used for fake branches. How exclusive can a fake branch be? That is a patented branch design, people! One of a kind! Our workers in Portugal slaved over getting the needles just right."