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akebono

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    Food Network Next Star

    in Food Media & Arts

    Posted · Edited by akebono (log)

    ok ulterior, let's see if we can do a quid pro quo

    lechter style, to show opinions can run wild...

    R. Ray is always at volume 30... proving that mouth-size may be directly proportional to output capacity.

    yeah well, RayRay... the Evil Kenevil of shark jumping... not only did she 'jump the shark',

    but she also jumped 20 clones of her former self. so beyond self parody, that she is in the 'Escape From the Planet of the Apes' Hasselin time curve realm of ego-abstraction. if her former self could see her future self, she would do a Charleton Heston 'damn you all to hell' foxtrot. she has become her own half buried statue of liberty...

    y'all may not see a more obscure reference this week.

    P. Dean sometimes scares me... when she zones out and then cackles one of those cackles that is slightly endearing, but slightly Wicked-Witch-meets-serial-killer... unsure.gif Major manic...

    Paula Diddy... on the fast track to the Food Network ego Cusinart, if not there already. Yes, we get it Paula, if you could, you would give birth to a litter of Plugra butter-sticks fathered by something deep-fried. Come back to us. it is almost too late. by the way, your hubby looks terribly uncomfortable on camera. you might just want to let him get back to making his naughty and nice list. as i understand it, your two boys will have a show on FN soon. 3 Deen is more than enough Deen. actually it is too much Deen. i'm wishing your kinfolk would just stay by the crawdad hole and chill.

    M. Batali comes off as a know-it-all sometimes... and well, enough with the orange clogs already... they were cute and novel, I'll admit, oh say, circa 2000 when he was scooting around the Amalfi with whathisiface, his Italian Poncho...

    IMO, mario seems just to be very serious about food, and authenticity. i think mario is cool. he knows how to keep a low enough profile, while still dishing out great food and cooking tips. i too am glad he got that Rooney dude biopsied. mario does best without schtick. and don't knock the crocs. just don't.

    A. Brown can do no wrong in my book. wub.gif But he is super hyper... part of his charm, in my opinion.

    i definately disagree here. i know my opinion is very unpopular, but me no likee Alton.

    almost to the point where it hurts to type his name. i do not know why i feel this way, but i do. maybe his approach to food strikes me as a bit cold. you should not need flowcharts and a wetsuit to make toast. to me A. Brown is what happens when you are toilet trained at gunpoint. if i was in grade school with him, 100% chance i would take his lunch money daily, after i knocked his books out of his hand. cruel. i know.

    B. Flay... yeah, really though, joggin' to the fish market at 2 a.m.? That counts as "kicked up a notch."

    flay. meh. knows his stuff, but any genuine knowledge he displays is often offset by his cockiness. i have seen a couple of his shows where his food looked like stone hard cash. as in money. transplant his skill in a more affable being, and you have a winner.

    E. Lagasse... 'nough said.

    emeril. i kind of feel bad for the guy. he seems nice enough solo, but put him in front of an audience and he is like a turn of the century french whore with a head full of pernod. he looks like he is about to have sex with whatever he is cooking on Live. terminal. however, his recipies are fail safe IME. no consolation. terminal.

    T. Florence: see Batali comments sans clogs and scooter comment... and, as I noted a few posts above (or somewhere), he's too grabby. Always using his fingers to snatch up food to try before his guests or anyone else... dry.gif And yeah, I have a problem with his "Ultimate" show - really though, if I could afford truffles, don't think I hadn't thought of shaving them on my pizza too! angry.gif Not very practical cooking.

    tyler. take it easy on those haus fraus fella. the keg party is three houses down on the left. i want your gig. jeebus, they pay you? there is no god.

    J. O'Conner - see A. Brown and S. Moulton comments above... that's a fun guy! Upbeat... okay, way upbeat... kind of crazy...

    ulterior? you bought into this guy? dude... they spit guys like jimbo and marc summers out of a factory in DeKalb. bobby rivers too. they should all be hosting used car themed game shows in the 6th circle. these dudes are a major reason FN is in the sorry assed shape it is in. terminate with extreme prejudice.

    B. Rivers - Cheez-E

    see above. you want directions to bobby's house? punch purgatory in your GPS, take a left.

    Sandra Day, er, I mean Lee - I'm not even going to go there... I get flashbacks of Pleasantville... blink.gif Not my style....

    too easy.

    G. DeLaurentiis - how does she stay so tiny?

    giada, find a thesarus. surely everything you taste can't be 'nutty'.

    and every time you do the authentic italian pronunciation

    as in 'spa gee tee', i want to drop to one knee and weep.

    can you please dumb it down for me?

    as in 'spa getty'. just for me. please.

    S. Moulton:

    class act.

    I. Garten:

    smiles like she knows a secret that is just naughty. like she buried a drifter in the herb garden. i hear she uses hundred dollar bills as oven mitts. i'll never have her lifestyle, but it is nothing i covet.

    M. Chiarello: the Napa version of Garter in the Hamptons... who just, ohsaythrowsaparty for his 10 employees in which he cooks all day... what exactly do they do? And is he hiring?

    mikey boy. if sideburns equaled masculinty, no one would ever question his sexuality again. i understand from good sources his lispy cadence is just 'a Turlock' thing. not that there is anything wrong w/ that. jeez, i hate sienfeld references. sorry.

    tries to put blue cheese on everything. blue cheese with a gorgonzola sauce rolled in maytag crumbs. grey salt advocate. he seems nice enough, but vibes short fuse.

    What happened to?

    J. Torres

    big time chocolate mogul...

    does not need us.

    J. Oliver

    tongue accident. sidelined.

    W.G. Puck

    had a bit part in 'lord of the rings'

    G. Gand

    could not tell you.

    i might be able to tell you

    if i had a clue.

    dont call me for the line-up.

    A. Bourdain

    living on reds, vitamin C and cocaine.

    all a friend can say is ain't it a shame.

    last seen revving up a kawasaki in front of a ramp.

    Surreal Gourmet

    died of fabulousness.

    lyle lovette got his hair back.

    mothers let their children play in the yard again.

    *i kid.... i kid....* IT'S ONLY A JOKE.

    sorry.

    can't help myself.

    if i offended anyone, rest easy. i'm going to burn in hell.

    -m

    glass houses, inc.

    ETA...

    sorry i screweed up the tags somewhere

    Licorice

    in Ready to Eat

    Posted

    finska tubes are black lic perfection...

    don't like the salted stuff

    the ammonia reaction i guess is an aquired taste.

    it may not be a popular opinion,

    but fresh red twizzlers

    are on par with kookabura(sp?) red.

    licorice:

    see jerry garcia

    "Our audience is like people who like licorice. Not everyone likes licorice, but the people who like licorice really like licorice."

    Lead us not into temptation ..what is your worst?

    in Food Traditions & Culture

    Posted

    these things:

    Snack heroin

    i don't hide it,

    but i had 2 bags at my desk the other day.

    i went thru the 1st bag like grant thru richmond...

    i blazed 1/2 way thru the 2nd

    and i thew the bag in the trash at my desk.

    15 mins later...

    i dug the bag back out of the trash

    and started eating again.

    in order to truely STOP...

    i had to tear open the bag

    and sprinkle the remainder of the bag directly into the trash.

    and yes, i still thought about eating them out of the trash.

    -m

    mea culpa, inc.

    desperate meals

    in Food Traditions & Culture

    Posted

    i work nights, 4pm-4am.

    sometimes i get stuck in the office.

    for various reasons, i just can't leave.

    sometimes i have no cash for the vending machines

    because i am that absent minded. after 10pm

    no delivery service is available...

    have you ever been in the position

    where you are starving, and your options

    are extremely limited? what is the oddest,

    or most desperate thing you have eaten?

    i remember one night,

    i ate matzo meal crackers with

    chinese takeout condiments: soy sauce, hot mustard,

    and duck sauce.

    i sucked the ketchup out of a convienence pack.

    and dissolved a total of 3 packettes of sugar in the

    raw on my tongue in the wee small hours of the morning.

    i know all that sounds fairly pathetic,

    but i can't be alone.

    trump me.

    -m

    Yogurt

    in Kitchen Consumer

    Posted · Edited by akebono (log)

    ok,

    yougurt

    lately i've been digging cream on top yogurt deeply.

    i like stoneyfield farms french vanilla,

    and brown cow maple...

    i seem to be leaning towards non-fruit, non-chunky yogurt.

    i tried goats milk yo...

    but there is an odd tang, and a hint of musk. Call me a wuss,

    but the idea of goat's milk yogurt,

    milk from the horned one,

    has a slight creep factor, even though

    i can groove on goat cheese.

    i can't do non-fat or reduced fat...

    has to be full on fatty.

    also if you dig cream on top

    do you mix the cream top in, or hit it

    straight? stoneyfield french vanilla, i hit straight,

    no mixee.

    have you ever tried to make your own?

    i remember in abbie hoffman's "Steal This Book",

    there is a recipe that involves a windowsill, sunlight and cheese cloth.

    -m

    edited: fat fingers again

    Worst meal at someone's home - Part 1

    in Food Traditions & Culture

    Posted · Edited by akebono (log)

    my ex-wife is a teacher.

    a few years ago, we were invited to

    go to the house of another teacher she worked with

    to break-in their new grill.

    i was not thrilled with the invitation,

    having met the husband of her friend on another occasion.

    the dude just vibed grotesque.

    not only was he an unapologetic kleptomaniac,

    he was unnervingly flirtatious with my then wife.

    so i decided to suck it up, and be a good guy,

    go and suffer like moses. the passion of the matt.

    we get there, he gives me a tour of the house,

    pointing out all these minor and major incidentals,

    and letting me know if they were stolen or not.

    when he would get to an item that was stolen,

    he would go into great detail about how

    he was able to liberate the item from its rightful owner.

    my ex told me my facial expression

    was that of a dog who had been shown a card trick.

    he takes me out on the deck and shows me

    a very nice shiny new grill, which was apparently too

    large or impractical to steal. the grill cover, however,

    was stolen, as were the steaks we were going to have for dinner.

    the steaks had been coated with some sort of salty

    rub, when i did not know, but it seemed early enough

    to see juices being drawn out of what looked like

    nice rib-eyes.

    he threw them on the grill, closed the lid,

    and never asked me how i would like mine cooked.

    he began a lengthy discourse regarding methods of

    stealing vintage car parts. all the while smoke

    it pouring forth from the grill to a point where

    i expected planes to start circling, or warring tribes

    to descend upon us. all the time my internal

    clock is ticking, and about the time

    i knew a rare steak was out of the question, i chimed in with,

    "you might want to flip those steaks." as he opened the hood of the grill

    i realized the smoke pouring out was the steak actually sending

    distress signals. he flips the steaks, slams the hood down,

    and we stood in awkward silence. at the 20 minute mark or so,

    he decided the steaks are finished.

    the steaks were an affront to grilling.

    the good does not always triumph.

    sometimes the dark side overcomes what Lincoln called

    the better angels of our nature. those rib-eyes had been

    terminated with extreme prejudice. it was a struggle to eat that meal,

    and i was getting angry with each bite, and as the persians say:

    "food eaten in anger turns to poison in the stomach".

    about mid meal he asks me,

    "so, how is your steak?"

    all i could say was,"you make really nice beef

    jerky". my ex kicked me under the table.

    as the meal had been derailed, the remainder of dinner

    was eaten in complete silence.

    my ex told me two weeks ago,

    that the couple that invited us to that dinner,

    had recently separated. it turns out that

    captain klepto was also cross-dressing and going to bars

    trying to see how many men would hit on him.

    i at no point in telling this sordid tale

    have taken james frey liberties with the truth.

    -m

    edited: fat fingers

    Sneaking raw meat from the kitchen counter

    in Cooking

    Posted · Edited by akebono (log)

    ok country cook gave me a flashback...

    when i was a kid in boy scouts...

    there was this other kid who used to eat raw

    steak-ums....

    trying to one-up him,

    i ate a few pieces of raw bacon...

    i remember the fat being really sweet,

    it had a slight smoky flavor...

    the texture was a bit wet, and slimy,

    but it was good. good. goodgood.

    when the scout master saw me

    digging on raw swine...

    he freaked, and went on some rap

    about trichinosis, worms, and a fine selection

    of other maladies...

    the other day

    my fiancee almost

    ate some uncooked pancetta

    because she thought it was just

    some ginzo(no offense, sono mezzo italiano)

    cold cut i'm always

    filling the fridge with.

    i am guessing that raw pancetta is not so safe?

    better safe than sorry because she is preggers.

    -m to the a to the tt

    Edited on account of my fat fingers.

    Sneaking raw meat from the kitchen counter

    in Cooking

    Posted

    I've found my people! I have recently come out of the closet, here on eGullet, in fact. I adore raw meat, and I will even eat raw ground poultry, so kill me. Have you ever tried steak with some balsamic vinegar, or soy sauce? You just dip each bite a tiny bit, glorious. Almost any animal that I eat, I will eat raw, and prefer. And, yes, the butcher shop is intoxicating. Dare I say it? I think that people who enjoy raw meat are somehow a bit more in touch with their, um, natural side (yeah, that's the PG word!), and therefore have a 'je nais se quois', er, QUALITY, that I find very desirable, in a friend or a mate. You just know that someone who will eat raw meat, because it tastes good; and not be bothered by the connotations or social aspect, is a hedonist, and in touch with their own humanity in a deep way. And that can be a middle aged girl like me, a nice grey haired professor who adores his tartare, or a pig tailed three year old who sneaks raw meatballs. I have many friends who are vegan and vegetarians, and I understand their choices, but I have looked in my own mouth, I'm an omnivore, and I like it. I just don't see cooked flesh or refraining from eating others as proof of evolution. Although I DO cook meat, and enjoy it. And I eat a lot of vegetarian cooking, and enjoy that, too.

    I'd rather give up chocolate than raw flesh.

    rebecca,

    remind me to never be in an airplane crash in the Andes, with you.

    the Donner party and I had a good laugh at your post!

    -m

    a nice chianti, inc.

    Bacon ice cream on ICA

    in Food Media & Arts

    Posted

    do you cats agree...

    compared to the Japanese version of Iron Chef,

    in the American version, you get the sense that

    anybody can win. sometimes it seems that the Iron Chefs

    on the American version are at a judging disadvantage right out of the gate.

    as opposed to the Japanese version where it seemed that

    the Iron Chefs were always the favorites...

    dunno, whatcha think?

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