I quickly learned in China to avoid “Western food” restaurants. Just as Chinese food in the west bears little resemblance to the real thing, those restaurants offering western food here fall well short. I am not saying there are zero good places, but the very few there are tend to be in Shanghai and very expensive.
I’ve mentioned this before, but it is worth repeating. Most “western” restaurants are managed by people who have never really eaten western food. They employ chefs who have never really cooked or eaten “western food”. They may have seen pictures of “western food”; that’s all. Or they just copy the menus from other Chinese “western food” places.
Liuzhou Jia Yong Trading Company was started in the 1990s by a Mr Tan who took advantage of favourable tax allowances for disabled people starting businesses. This scheme was introduced under pressure from then Chinese leader Deng Xiao Ping’s eldest son who was himself disabled after falling, jumping or being pushed from a window during the cultural revolution. He has since worked to improve conditions for the disabled in China.
Helped by the tax advantage in the early years, Jia Yong expanded to become the biggest grocery chain in the area. They also undertake charitable work among the disabled. Several years ago Mr Tan sold his chain of supermarkets and convenience stores to Lianhua, China’s largest retailer. He made millions and semi-retired. However, he has kept a keen interest in catering and opened a number of restaurants in the city including a chain of KFC look-alikes. A number of his restaurants are ‘foreign food themed’. Why? Oh why? He knows nothing about foreign food.
The worst of his forays into western food is a restaurant on the 3rd floor of the large Bubugao Plaza shopping mall. In the advanced depths of his delusion, he has persuaded himself that he has not only an Italian restaurant but that he is an Italian Expert. There is nothing, zero, zilch, niente Italian about the place. This is NOT an Italian restaurant by any stretch of the imagination.
Any real “Italian Expert” would probably know that Boston, Hawaii, Texas, Mexico and New Orleans (the supposed origin of the pizzas they list on their menu), are somewhere far to the west of Italy; or the east if you go the other way. He would also know that the signature dish, the “Thin crust pizza in Naples” as his Mis-Translate software renders for him is not in any way related or even on nodding terms with anything Neapolitan.
Neapolitan pizza is strictly defined (and legally protected). This shit comes nowhere even close. It is an approximation of an OK pepperoni and olive excuse for a pizza. Neapolitan pizza does not contain cheap, nasty, mechanically retrieved meat sausage or bottled, dyed olives. In fact, it doesn’t contain sausage or olives of any kind. But it does contain tomato and buffalo mozzarella (Their sad excuse for a pizza doesn’t contain the latter. And shows little evidence of the former.)
But something concerns me even more.
So we begin. My visit. Apart from one almost happy experience, it was much worse than I even anticipated. I rolled up at 17:39 trying to be ahead of the 6 pm rush. Good thinking. The place was almost deserted. I found a seat and a young waitress handed me a menu then told me my name. Seems she knew me from somewhere. Then she left me alone to peruse the selection on offer – bliss. I was expecting the usual Chinese waitress intimidation.
The menu begins with set meals then jumps to drinks then desserts then hops towards pizzas, noodles and rice dishes. Finally it ends up with a sparse four mains (sadly listed under the idiotic American term, “entrées”.)
Ten minutes later, I place my order. I have decided to go for the “Naples Pizza” just because it is the one they trumpet. I also choose the “Fresh Porcini Rice”, basically because I don’t believe it. Then I throw in a salmon salad. I also ask for a glass of wine from their extensive list of three, none of which are Italian. All of which are crap. Seven minutes later my glass of red wine turns up – ice cold! ¥18
Italian experts who don’t know to serve red wine at room temperature? Still it does have the advantage that you can’t taste it.
First food to arrive is the salmon salad. Here it is pictured on the menu.
Apologies for picture quality. I was using my primitive cell phone to take pictures of bad pictures!
Here is what turned up:
Yes. Some lunatic has decided to improve the salad by drowning it in Kewpie Thousand Island Dressing. I hate Thousand Island Dressing! Bizarrely, it also comes with a bowl of soy sauce and wasabi. They are just chucking everything Japanese at it. Except anything remotely Italian. I push it to the side and ignore it. ¥23.
Next, at 18:07, my pizza turns up. It looks fine, but, as I’ve said, nothing like anything recognised as a Naples pizza. As I’ve also said, it could be a reasonable, if dull, pepperoni and black olive pizza. It ain’t dull. The first bite has me gagging and downing the glass of water they kindly provided me with when I sat down. This thing is so oversalted! I am very salt tolerant, but I feel like I’ve just exceeded the recommended annual dosage in one small slice of pizza. It is inedible! Utterly disgusting. ¥33
Probably I should have stuck with the “Larry Italian Pizza” which features both “blacl (sic) pepper beef short ribs” and that Italian favourite, ”kungpao chicken”. As eaten by every Italian on a daily basis! What drugs are these people on? And who the hell is Larry? Their drug dealer?
Just as I fall into despair, the dish I have least confidence in turns up. My “Fresh Porcini Rice”. To my astonishment this looks nothing like its depiction on the website or leaflets. It actually looks like a reasonable Italian risotto. I take a tentative forkful and it’s delicious. Perfectly cooked and flavoured with those porcini. I’m happy at last.
But it’s a bubble about to burst. As I tuck in, I begin to find foreign objects lurking within. Large pieces of raw, cheap, fatty bacon. This is not mentioned on the menu. Lucky I’m not a vegetarian. I wade through the rice digging out the intruders, then settle back to the rice and mushrooms. I still don’t know if the porcini were fresh or dried – I suspect the latter, but they were fine. However, they could have been washed a bit better. As I reach the bottom of the dish, it gets grainier and grainer until I feel I’m eating sand.
I can’t say I was disappointed. I got more or less what I expected. Bad, non-Italian food. It wasn’t the worst meal I’ve had in Liuzhou, but it ran a close second. My friendly waitress, whom I still cannot place doesn't even glance at the uneaten food as I ask to pay. Situation normal. Not her concern.
