Winner of the "I'd Like to Feed You Haggis, Black Pudding, and Menudo Not Because They're Bad But Because You're Mad" Award: The Christina of a loathesome "food" program called Christina Cooks. In the happy event you've never encountered this show, all I can is, you are indeed fortunate. Equal parts nutrition psuedoscience, bizarre flavor combinations, and a cooking philosophy shivering in a cellar of deprivation, guilt, and fear of fat, this program is one I can't even watch for laughs. She reminds us all that establishing Vegetable Protective Services (VPS) may be necessary in a world that allows her on the public airwaves. ("Anyone who treats parsnips the way you do, ma'am, shouldn't be allowed to cook with them.) Winner of the "Ooh, You Are the Human Equivalent of Duck-Fat Fries" Award: A split decision, this. It goes to Ant'ny Bourdain and Lidia Bastianich. C'mon, you may have others besides these two, but when the shit comes down, you want the ones who bring it on home, and in most cases, bring it with a generous amount of raw olive oil, good old Parm Regg, and a pack of Luckies. Besides, both of these characters manage to share personal quirks in an endearing way. How many times have I heard that Lidia has "trouble" with garlic? Mystically, paradoxically, being privy to her lower GI problems makes her food more appealing. And Tony, delightful, delightful Tony. The composition of Tony's personality is a startling 90% personal quirk, making him not only more flavorful than other food celebrities but also a real value for your time. You'd have to watch 14 episodes of Ming Tsai's show to get the equivalent personal quirkiness of only one of Tony's shows. Sara Moulton seems like a genuinely nice person but I'd have to sit through 47 hours of her show to equal three minutes of watching Tony eat deep-fried cheesecake, or simply enjoying the silence of waiting for Lidia to finish chewing before she speaks. The greats can break all of the rules.