Paying for the Wedding

[aprilmei]

As I mentioned earlier in the thread. Wedding guests in Israel give money as a gift. The amount, unless the wedding couple is family or a very close friend, is the amount of what the reception costs per person. In other words, if David and I go to a wedding of a colleague, we write a check for approximately 50-100USD and place it in a wedding card. This is the wedding gift.

We don't have wedding registries here. Most couples use the money to pay for part of their honeymoon or items they need for their apartment. I don't see anything wrong with this. This doesn't mean you can't give them a gift. Some people prefer to buy them a gift in lieu of money, but this is certainly not the norm.

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In Hong Kong it's done this way too, usually. It really depends on where the bride and groom are from and how "westernised" they are. For the most part, if they're Hong Kong born and bred, it's a cash gift - calculated on a rough guess of how much the wedding banquet costs: if it's at Maxim's or another restaurant, it's about HK$300-HK$500 (depending on how close you are to the couple); if it's in a five-star hotel, it's much much more - for instance, when one of my very good friends got married, we gave her a cash gift of $3,800 [because it's an auspicious amount] between me and my boyfriend - and that is in addition to paying for hotel and airfare because she got married in Singapore. But we went to a wedding last week by an extremely wealthy couple and instead of cash, we gave a present - equally expensive, but not as obvious as money.

[annecros]

As I mentioned earlier in the thread. Wedding guests in Israel give money as a gift. The amount, unless the wedding couple is family or a very close friend, is the amount of what the reception costs per person. In other words, if David and I go to a wedding of a colleague, we write a check for approximately 50-100USD and place it in a wedding card. This is the wedding gift.

We don't have wedding registries here. Most couples use the money to pay for part of their honeymoon or items they need for their apartment. I don't see anything wrong with this. This doesn't mean you can't give them a gift. Some people prefer to buy them a gift in lieu of money, but this is certainly not the norm.

Frankly, I find the Southern US custom of showing off your gifts in your parent's dining room with the gift cards really loathesome.

←

Mom's dining room table would be the logical place for guests to drop off wrapped gifts. That being said, my white gloved Georgia Grandma would have swooned to see gifts on "display" on anyone's dining room table, much less cards with them identifying the sender. Anyone who would linger around the gifts and checking the cards would be looked at askance, to say the least, and someone would be watching. It would have been considered "trashy" to say the least. I only remember maybe three or four weddings where actual presents were visible at the wedding itself, one in particular - my cousin was marrying a girl from Texas, so we sort of blamed it on cultural differences and politely ignored it. Every once in a while a guest will turn up at the wedding itself with a gift in hand, but it was usually politely received by a relative and given to the bride's mother for safe keeping, locked in the trunk of the car. A real pain in the neck, the last thing a bride needs is to hassle with a gift on her wedding day. But a better alternative than the guest walking around with a wrapped gift in hand all day.

Now I do remember helping a bride that was a close relation organize her gifts at her mother's house, and we did so in the dining room, making sure she had a list to work from for thank you notes later. The gifts were then stored in a back bedroom. They certainly were not on display to the general public or guests. I suppose those that walked through the house might have saw us working on them, or we might have left them there when taking a break or something.

We do tend to give gifts more often than cash in the South in general, considered more "thoughtful" and "personal", but even that has changed over the last 20 years or so. If brides are registered, and that is so easy to do these days, it makes things much easier, but about 75% of my stepdaugher's presents for her wedding last August were either gift cards or cash. Ironically, most of the non cash gifts came from the Groom's relatives in New Jersey. Most of the Georgia/Florida/Virginia folks sent a check, but since my stepdaugher and her new husband had been living together for two years already and had set up housekeeping, so it made better sense.

Edited December 2, 2006 by annecros (log)

[Mottmott]

As I mentioned earlier in the thread. Wedding guests in Israel give money as a gift. The amount, unless the wedding couple is family or a very close friend, is the amount of what the reception costs per person. In other words, if David and I go to a wedding of a colleague, we write a check for approximately 50-100USD and place it in a wedding card. This is the wedding gift.

We don't have wedding registries here. Most couples use the money to pay for part of their honeymoon or items they need for their apartment. I don't see anything wrong with this. This doesn't mean you can't give them a gift. Some people prefer to buy them a gift in lieu of money, but this is certainly not the norm.

Frankly, I find the Southern US custom of showing off your gifts in your parent's dining room with the gift cards really loathesome.

←

Mom's dining room table would be the logical place for guests to drop off wrapped gifts. That being said, my white gloved Georgia Grandma would have swooned to see gifts on "display" on anyone's dining room table, much less cards with them identifying the sender. Anyone who would linger around the gifts and checking the cards would be looked at askance, to say the least, and someone would be watching. It would have been considered "trashy" to say the least. I only remember maybe three or four weddings where actual presents were visible at the wedding itself, one in particular - my cousin was marrying a girl from Texas, so we sort of blamed it on cultural differences and politely ignored it. Every once in a while a guest will turn up at the wedding itself with a gift in hand, but it was usually politely received by a relative and given to the bride's mother for safe keeping, locked in the turnk of the car. A real pain in the neck, the last thing a bride needs is to hassle with a gift on her wedding day. But a better alternative than the guest walking around with a wrapped gift in hand all day.

Now I do remember helping a bride that was a close relation organize her gifts at her mother's house, and we did so in the dining room, making sure she had a list to work from for thank you notes later. The girfts were then stored in a back bedroom. They certainly were not on display to the general public or guests. I suppose those that walked through the house might have saw us working on them, or we might have left them there when taking a break or something.

We do tend to give gifts more often than cash in the South in general, considered more "thoughtful" and "personal", but even that has changed over the last 20 years or so. If brides are registered, and that is so easy to do these days, it makes things much easier, but about 75% of my stepdaugher's presents for her wedding last August were either gift cards or cash. Ironically, most of the non cash gifts came from the Groom's relatives in New Jersey. Most of the Georgia/Florida/Virginia folks sent a check, but since my stepdaugher and her new husband had been living together for two years already and had set up housekeeping, so it made better sense.

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As a northerner, I don't think geography is determinant here. I realize the practicality of cash as a gift, but I will not give it and always hated to receive it (even when I was a poor student). When I receive a gift, I can recall the giver and the occasion years later - and their thoughtfulness.

[annecros]

←

As a northerner, I don't think geography is determinant here. I realize the practicality of cash as a gift, but I will not give it and always hated to receive it (even when I was a poor student). When I receive a gift, I can recall the giver and the occasion years later - and their thoughtfulness.

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[Carrot Top]

Yep, careful and considerate gift giving is becoming a lost art. It is a shame, really. And hey, you can always use ANOTHER picture frame!

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While I prefer careful and considerate gift-giving in general for all other things in life for weddings I think I prefer the tradition of many large Italian-American families.

Large. Bulging. Envelopes. Of Cash. Handed. To The Happy Couple. As The Guests Leave. With A Big Hug And Kiss.

Sigh.

I am a practical woman.

Edited December 2, 2006 by Carrot Top (log)

[Swisskaese]

As I mentioned earlier in the thread. Wedding guests in Israel give money as a gift. The amount, unless the wedding couple is family or a very close friend, is the amount of what the reception costs per person. In other words, if David and I go to a wedding of a colleague, we write a check for approximately 50-100USD and place it in a wedding card. This is the wedding gift.

We don't have wedding registries here. Most couples use the money to pay for part of their honeymoon or items they need for their apartment. I don't see anything wrong with this. This doesn't mean you can't give them a gift. Some people prefer to buy them a gift in lieu of money, but this is certainly not the norm.

Frankly, I find the Southern US custom of showing off your gifts in your parent's dining room with the gift cards really loathesome.

←

Mom's dining room table would be the logical place for guests to drop off wrapped gifts. That being said, my white gloved Georgia Grandma would have swooned to see gifts on "display" on anyone's dining room table, much less cards with them identifying the sender. Anyone who would linger around the gifts and checking the cards would be looked at askance, to say the least, and someone would be watching. It would have been considered "trashy" to say the least. I only remember maybe three or four weddings where actual presents were visible at the wedding itself, one in particular - my cousin was marrying a girl from Texas, so we sort of blamed it on cultural differences and politely ignored it. Every once in a while a guest will turn up at the wedding itself with a gift in hand, but it was usually politely received by a relative and given to the bride's mother for safe keeping, locked in the trunk of the car. A real pain in the neck, the last thing a bride needs is to hassle with a gift on her wedding day. But a better alternative than the guest walking around with a wrapped gift in hand all day.

Now I do remember helping a bride that was a close relation organize her gifts at her mother's house, and we did so in the dining room, making sure she had a list to work from for thank you notes later. The gifts were then stored in a back bedroom. They certainly were not on display to the general public or guests. I suppose those that walked through the house might have saw us working on them, or we might have left them there when taking a break or something.

We do tend to give gifts more often than cash in the South in general, considered more "thoughtful" and "personal", but even that has changed over the last 20 years or so. If brides are registered, and that is so easy to do these days, it makes things much easier, but about 75% of my stepdaugher's presents for her wedding last August were either gift cards or cash. Ironically, most of the non cash gifts came from the Groom's relatives in New Jersey. Most of the Georgia/Florida/Virginia folks sent a check, but since my stepdaugher and her new husband had been living together for two years already and had set up housekeeping, so it made better sense.

←

I was born and raised in Alabama and lived in Atlanta for many years. This is/was the custom for all of my friend's weddings.

[Tess]

This discussion is reminding me of what a huge expense weddings were for me all through my 20s. I have something like 30 first cousins, and then all my friends starting getting married. Travel, hotels and gifts would eat up my whole budget for a month. It was very out of proportion to the way most of us were living day to day, and what the wedding was costing was definitely a nice down payment on a house in many cases. But it seemed like an inflexible expectation.

[Carrot Top]

inflexible expectation.

←

Two words, put together, that cause a multitude of sadness and problems.

[prasantrin]

I should clarify that I don't have a problem with giving money as a gift, but I do have a problem with being told on the invitation that I can only give money.

I wouldn't even mind it if someone in the wedding party or a close relative said, "They would prefer money, but whatever you decide to give is fine," or something like that. But on the invitation? That's even tackier than demanding payment for the reception, in my opinion, of course.

Edited December 2, 2006 by prasantrin (log)

[annecros]

I was born and raised in Alabama and lived in Atlanta for many years. This is/was the custom for all of my friend's weddings.

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Well, you know what a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Oklahoma, and a hurricane in Florida have in common.

Somebody's gonna loose a doublewide.

Edited December 2, 2006 by annecros (log)

[annecros]

This discussion is reminding me of what a huge expense weddings were for me all through my 20s. I have something like 30 first cousins, and then all my friends starting getting married. Travel, hotels and gifts would eat up my whole budget for a month. It was very out of proportion to the way most of us were living day to day, and what the wedding was costing was definitely a nice down payment on a house in many cases. But it seemed like an inflexible expectation.

←

No kidding! Then my late 30's and 40's it is my neices, nephews and my own kids!

I was one of 10. Dad was one of 13. Grandma on Mom's side was one of 9, but the age differences in the family made my second cousins like first cousins.

[Pam R]

I need to go into host mode for a second folks. Let's try to keep the talk to paying for the wedding - because that really means paying for the food and beverage, which is what eGullet is all about. We're straying into gift giving discussion, which is a different matter. So back to the paying of the food!

Thanks,

Pam

Lest anyone dis me for this, I am from Winnipeg and I do like it there. 

A lot of people here do in fact have socials to help pay for the wedding costs. But it isn't something done across the board. I've never been to one or been to a wedding where they've had one.