naebody

All you need to know about Matthew Norman can be summed up in one word: "stimmung". Any journalist who chooses a German word over the half-dozen English ones of the same meaning should get his pencil confiscated. As for the "passion" criticism, isn't this is the standard knee-jerk response to anything that's already popular by the time the reviewer arrives? "The proles like it, so there must be something wrong with it." Food critics always want to write about the overhyped emperors-new-clothes places and the undiscovered gems, because identifying both will reflect their own superior taste versus that of the masses. Any time the masses are getting it right, it's standard form to criticise an enterprise's lack of some unquantifiable such as "passion": when a reviewer wants to demonstrate their exceptional refinement, it's the only option left. Mr Norman raises the art of condescension even higher with the reference to "so-called rivals". Not only is he better than us, he's better than them too. So yes: What a dick. (Was at Arbies again over the weekend. Slightly disappointed by the chicken armpit starter, which may have been a tad overcooked, but the beef roll thingumy with leeks was excellent, as was the gnocchi. Still wish they'd calm the lighting though.)

Shared table is, as is the Berkeley branch ***. But why on earth would anyone want to travel from New York to London, then end up at Nobu? ( *** Edit: just been told Nobu II has changed that policy and it's booking with a two-hour turnaround now. Also told that the food has been bobbins of late.)

You sit at the bar at Sheekey, Caprice and Arbutus, all of which are highly recommended (for food, atmosphere and value respectively). As for Sweary Gogs, I think Maze, Boxwood Cafe and The Savoy all do settings at the bar, while Petrus has informal bar-side tables. You may want to phone ahead to check though -- it's a while since I've been to the latter three. As for whether Ramsay's worth the trouble ... well, in New York terms, probably not: Maze is an anaemic version of WD-50, Boxwood would disappear in the streets around Union Square, and Savoy-like dining can be found quite easily in mid-town. Petrus is okay, but tends to be arse-clenchingly formal on a school night. One final caution: remember that while NYC has joined the 20th century, almost all London restaurants still allow smoking in their bars. You therefore run the risk of finding yourself next to a cohiba.

All of the above should cope. But the best pick is probably the Dil Se on Perth Road, a new style, veggie friendly Bangladeshi that has collected a bookcase of awards. Ask for an upstairs table though -- the ground level is a bit of a fishtank.

It's my home town, since you ask. I head back there fairly regularly, and have so far avoided starving to death. Bon Appetit (Commercial Street) is a very old-school French place. It's owned by a married couple with a missionary zeal to introduce Dundonians to superior ways of furring their arteries. They deserve our support. The last meal I had at Howies, on South Tay Street, was extremely good by anyone's standards. Modern European, a bit like Conran would be if he employed anyone able to cook. However, I heard a few weeks ago that it has changed owner, format and name (Number 25?), so approach with a bit of caution. Similarly The Italian, on Commercial Street. People have said good things, but I've never been myself so can't vouch for their accuracy. For grazing, the DCA cafe (think it's called Jute or somesuch) provides solid lunchtime chow, a nice venue and a good pint of Deuchars. The Rep Cafe does similar, but for an older crowd. The Tasting Rooms is an okay wine bar with Italian-ish bits & bobs to eat. Best options outside the centre are up the Perth Road, with the Agacan, a locally celebrated Turkish kebab place, just about worth the walk. Ask a trusted local which Indian is currently the best: they change very regularly, but are usually of a surprisingly authentic standard.

All the Caprice Holdings chain -- The Ivy, Caprice and J Sheekey -- do barside tables which allow the single diner a good opportunity to get into places that would normally require some serious forward planning. Likewise The Wolseley, and most of Shirtless Ramsay's eateries. There's also barside dining available at Arbutus, which I think has been been mentioned here in the past ... The "G" word has been a seriously devalued by a thousand me-to ventures, all microwaving their catering packs of seabass fillets. For pub-based dining, the Thomas Cubitt is a current foodie favourite, although you'll have to go upstairs to the more formal room for the serious menu. The Eagle, while historically important, has been scarily quiet the last few times I've passed. If it doesn't pull your chain, then Moro round the corner has pavement tables and faultless meze. Other good options include the Anchor & Hope (British) and Tapas Brindisa (Spanish) -- both don't take bookings and get insanely busy, meaning the lone diner will stand a better chance of getting a seat. St John is ok alone, but you may be more comfortable at St John Bread & Wine, its more relaxed offshoot. If you want The Fat Duck for August, book yesterday. And yes, expect the travelling to be a pain: one hour by rail to Maidenhead, then 10-minutes in taxi to Bray Village. (Note that while London will be open in August, its public transport system will remain a shambles.)

You want to get out more, sunbeam. Specifically, you want to get out to: Meantime Brewing Co; Battersea Brewery; Grand Union Brewery; Mash; Twickenham Fine Ales; and, of course, anywhere served by the mighty Fuller, Smith and Turner in W4. All within the scope of a Zone 2 travel card.

I'd argue that the reverse is true, given downstairs is non smoking. I'll take overcrowding over fumigation every time.

Just tried their bacon sarnie. ← Why on earth did you do that? Thanks For Franks is literally 50 yards away.

In the end, we went with the Benares suggestion. Won't try and do a full review, but here's the edited highlights: Excellent atmosphere, very buzzy for a Tuesday night. Elegant room. Nice bar. Great service -- relaxed, quick and chatty without overstepping the line. The restaurant manager is a star who seems to genuinely get on with his staff (see postscript). Food, on the evidence of this visit, is a several notches below excellent. The most successful dish was one of the sides: water chestnuts, French beans, lime and sesame. Original, and nicely balanced. Otherwise, much of it felt a little like proficiently prepared modern Indian standards, with the addition of an odd ingredient or two to liven up the plate. For example: scallops and prawns plus grapes; paneer and mushroom plus avocado. The kitchen seemed better at simplicity than complexity: grilled garlic prawns with tomato salad benefitted from zingy ingredients and not much messing around, while a stuffed bottle gourd in cashew sauce started dull and finished stodgily inedible. Bread was surprisingly poor. Portions very hefty, which suggests to me they've given up on any hope of Michelin recognition and are aiming to keep the hungry masses happy. Very good petit four helped take the sting out of the bill, which was typically Mayfair-sized. In summary: it's not up there with Morgan M or Rousillion as a vegeternative. The kitchen needs to raise its game if it wants to compete with London's best, both Indian and herbivore. But, on a wet Tuesday in June, there are worse places to hammer your credit card. Postscript: At the neigbouring table was a man who looked very like Bernie Ecclestone, accompanied by a completely silent Asian woman. He was a professional complainer, moaning about everything from the menu typeface to the shape of the wine glasses. His final tirade to the browbeaten waiter ended thus: "I came here because I saw that chef on the BBC and he seemed like a nice person, but I want you to tell him personally that I don't like his food at all". With that he walked out -- taking his silent partner but leaving half a bottle of Chateau Margaux 2000 on the table. Fortified by rather a lot of (cheaper) liquor, we waited for a quiet moment and surruptitiously moved the bottle onto our table. The restaurant manager appeared instantly. We assume we've been rumbled and prepare to grovel like peasants. He begins: "I had my eye on that! Was going to have it with some lamb chops. Oh well. Perhaps it'll make up for having to listen to all that whinging all night. Enjoy!" Top marks, Mr Manager. And thanks, Bernie.

Never been knocked out by Vama. Always seemed like a decent neighbourhood type of place that benefits from its position as the best option in Chelsea, which is knee-deep with restaurant reviewers. Doubt it'd even be on radar if it were outside SW3. If Keralan is your thing, I've heard a few good things about Swayam Ruchi in Clapham. Haven't been though, so that's not a recommendation. As for the Rasas ... people enthuse, I go, I leave disappointed, people enthuse again, I go again, I leave disappointed. Either I'm wrong, or the rest of the world is. (As a rule, I assume the latter.) While we're here, note that something called Jamuna has appeared in Paddington bearing a hefty menu, top end pricing, zero fanfare and no reviews. I believe the chef is ex Cinnamon Club and Mint Leaf. Anyone risked it?

Far too many to list. Consider this selection the tip of a Mumbai-sized iceberg. Veeraswamy's a good semi-posh option post its refit. For Pakistani, New Tayyabs has a dedicated foodie following. Chowki is cheap and handy if you're stuck in the tourist hell around Eros. For somewhere a bit less travelled, I've been very impressed with Indian Zing, at the scuzzy end of King's Road in Hammersmith. Brick Lane remains an entertaining adventure, despite its deteriorating reputation; Shampan has, historically, been the least likely to serve rat shit in your vindaloo. Locals will insist that Drummond Street, behind Euston station, is the better option for south Indian: don't listen. It used to be, until the hoards discovered Diwana Bhel Poori, management discovered they could charge twice the price for half the quality, and it all went horribly Nathan Fong. I've never ventured out to the many Punjab options in Southall, but those that have seem enthusiastic. Edit update: I should probably also add that Tamarind is arguably the top fancy option if cost is no object.

Am resurrecting this mis-shapen thread to ask if anyone has any bright ideas. Need a special occasion London restaurant for a veggie who tolerates selected seafood ("providing it doesn't taste fishy" ... that rules out everything except prawns and scallops, apparently). Have done Morgan M and Rousillion way too much for them to be remotely special occasion-able. Also looking for somewhere with a bit of life on a Tuesday night, which eliminates Lanesborough. Was thinking The Square, which I seem to remember has good veg choices on the a la carte, although part of me (the Scottish part) does not overly fancy paying £60 a head for roots and hedge clippings. Also weighing up a posh Indian, possibly Amaya in Knightsbridge. Anyone got any other suggestions? Is there anywhere I've missed? Is there any chefs out there who are sympathetic enough to the meat intolerant to rejig their taster menus? All views, thoughts and opinions appreciated.

Hmmm ... Wonder if he'll be invited to help Gilgamesh, Ian Pengelly's perilous new place, rise to the "next level".

Then if it's not Savoy Grill, it must be Fleur. Deffo Marcus Wareing, I'd say.

I'll bet dollars to doughnuts it's Michael Caines. Possibly from when he was in Bristol. Edit update: in fact, I'm absolutely sure this is from Caines's Bristol Marriott, from about three years ago. Had a free meal there once, which was 99% fur coat and 1% undercrackers. Honestly -- what kind of ponce marinades strawberries? Number 2 looks to me like the Ramsified Savoy Grill. And I don't have a scoobie about No. 1.

Since you ask ...

Another excuse, should one be needed: eat early or late from the set and for the rest of the month it's two courses for £13.50 or three for £15.50, plus they throw in a "house" cocktail. That's cheaper than cooking at home. Edit disclaimer: that probably looks a bit too much like advertising. Honestly, my enthusiasm about the place is social rather than financial. Anywhere in Rip-Off Britain that offers so much for so little deserves the level of success that spawns a thousand imitators.

To paraphrase Derek Jameson: does she mean us? She surely does!

For a more analytical approach to the question, we can consult the economists at ONS, who compile the average UK shopping basket each year in the interests of the dismal science. For 2006, the ONS dropped muesli, coleslaw, minced lamb, the small brown loaf, frozen cakes, chocolate biscuits, flavoured milk, frozen roasting chickens and Ovaltine. Sparkling wine was also cut, to be replaced by champagne. In 2005 we said goodbye to tinned corned beef and Slimfast drinks. 2004 saw the passing of frozen turkey, cheese slices and gin. (If I ever go on Ready Steady Cook, all the above items will be in my basket.)

A sideline when he's not touring with Primal Scream I assume. Not many olive groves in Manchester though are there? ← Perhaps he has a growers' cooperative with Bez, who is something of an enthusiast.

That sounds dangerously close to salmon in licorice aspic with asparagus, pink grapefruit and Manni olive oil. But what kind of nutjob would serve that? I'd argue the most out-of-fashion meal in Britain would probably be medallions of Chilean seabass with sundried tomatoes, mâche, toasted pine nuts and a raspberry vinaigrette. There's nothing so unfashionable as yesterday. Edit: on reflection, I'd argue that tripe, lard, licorice and eel all fit quite nicely into our current food-mile-obsessed, nature-protecting, pretention-breaking zeitgeist. And, given the recent habit of finding some faux-historical English name for foreign things (cf. burnt cream vs. creme brulee), it can't be too long before Gary Rhodes is insisting that his mayonnaise is in fact "genuine" salad cream.

Informal buzz and fancy food are available at Ledbury, Amaya, Galvin, Club Gascon and its Sloane cousin Le Cercle. The Belvedere is also a very nice summer option for out-of-towners. But the table to be seen at this summer will likely be La Noisette, Bjorn Van Der Horst's new place. Not sure if it'll be open by the end of June, but they had a recruitment day about a fortnight ago and the PR puffery has started, suggesting things are progressing. Edit update: La Noisette scheduled to open on July 17. So forget that bit.

Fair enough. Even though I consider that food shows are to eating as Baywatch is to sex, I can understand the whole inclusiveness angle. However, I'm still a little hazy on why so many otherwise sensible people are talking about the daily goings on with such gravity. All these messages about a compromised concept and flawed judging criteria ... it's a flipping game show! And a rubbish one at that! I simply cannot take seriously the ludicrous pantomime of a slow-burn celebrity cookoff for benefit of a societal anachronism. And I consider it offensive that we, as a nation, are supposed to jump up like unspeyed corgis at the opportunity to influence what to put in front of someone who will not even be able to respond with an opinion. And even if she did have a view it wouldn't be worth anything, because she's not actually that interested in food. (I highlight once again that Brenda refuses to consume garlic, shellfish, spaghetti, tomato-based sauces, foreign water and rare meat, but is terribly precious with her cornflakes.) The flaws to the concept are so central that, if they were taken away, we'd be left watching the test card.

So, we have entered page 7 of comment on what some old woman may have for lunch, thereby passing the L'Encume thread to become the second-most discussed UK subject of recent times. Only two more pages to go before it tops Ramsay's Hospital Food at #1. Meanwhile, major restaurant openings -- Papillon, Amici, Kilo, Rivington Greenwich, Yakitoria, Tamesa, Dune, The National -- go unmentioned. Is anyone else bemused by this? Edit correction: just noticed that threads on Fat Duck and Anthony's in Leeds are both ahead of Sweary Gogs, which puts Lunch with Brenda down to #4. Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.