apshelbourne

I cycle to work. If I want to buy food on the way home, I have three possible routes. The first takes me past the Tesco Superstore; the second is via the Tesco Local; the third involves the One-Stop (owned by... guess who?... yes, you got it in one). The Tescoan hegemony is complete on the western side of my town. And I know I shouldn't buy ready meals - honest. I do try and plan ahead and freeze up remains of curries and casseroles, or make a sandwich with farmhouse Somerset cheddar and that yummy spelt bread that the apocalyptic Christian sect up on the Blackdowns sells at the farmers' market. But I was tempted by the word "cassoulet". I succumbed and was punished. - Tony -

Superb, Tim. Many thanks for a brilliant report. Best thing I've read for a long, long time. - Tony -

I refuse to believe that something so ghastly in every possible way could be the result of mere accident or random mutation; there has to be a controlling intelligence behind it. Warped and fiendish, but intelligent, I swear. I eventually summoned the courage to read the ingredient list, and think that "Smoke Flavoured Bacon (11%)" may be the technology behind this WMD.

Sorry to bring down the tone of this august forum, especially halfway through Tim's superb review of HB's MG, but I simply had to get this off my chest. On the way home from work today, I dropped into the local Tesco to pick up a bite for lunch. In the chill cabinet I spotted something described as "Tesco Finest Toulouse Sausage Cassoulet". Reader, I bought it. Look, I was in a hurry, and I was hungry. OK? Didn't have time to look at the ingredient list. And I'm a cassoulet freak. Love the stuff. Maybe it would be as good as the fancy tins you get in French markets or, at worst, like a supermarket own brand: ponced up beans 'n' saus. Mmm... cassoulet, I mused, homerically. Got home and heated it up. Well, it didn't smell too appetising - a bit medicinal. But I know that the smell of food, especially pre-prepared, can be misleading. It was. The actual flavour was far, far worse. It was disgusting. Absolutely fecking horrible. I'm sorry, but even the professional food writers who haunt this forum would be lost for words to hint at how utterly, abysmally appalling it was. I'm sure they've never met a dish of such horror in the restaurants they review. The overall taste was of TCP mouthwash mixed with stock cube. I cannot be more specific or analytical; it was all I could do to keep it in my mouth for two seconds. Slices of mushy sausage floated in a translucent mid-brown glop. The beans were leathery on the outside, mushy within, nestling against pink lardons and lumps of onion and courgette (?!?). I gave it to the dog. She turned up her nose. My six month old spaniel has a better palate than Tesco's food technologists. Again, sorry to lower the tone, but if I have saved just one person from going through this ordeal, it will have been worth it. - Tony -

Tim Lol and, indeed, rofl.

A specialist food magazine might not *prosper* in the marketplace, but I'm surprised that one does not at least *exist*. They do in other specialised areas. An old chum of mine used to be editor of "Popular Wood Routing Monthly" or some such, and he had to be really on the ball to fend off the competition from two other, similar titles!

Today's Private Eye has an amusing skit on the prog. Entitled "Heston Blumenthals' Cooking Made Easy Recipe Book", it begins: No. 94 The Boiled Egg 1. Build nuclear reactor and pre-heat to 4000C.

Please, chaps & chapesses, don't continue this argument any further. The debate on this forum is usually so pleasant that we've perhaps forgotten how bad things can get on t'Interweb. Mr or Mrs Zoticus is either: a. a troll, or b. so stupid he or she needs reminding to breath So, don't feed the flames, eh? - Tony -

An end to all pretentious menus, I say! How's about: Big plates Cod, with other stuff Dead pig, bit spicy Some veggy stuff for your girlfriend Different sort of fish, with some very strange stuff. Don't ask. Steak - now that's more like it. - Tony - (You can take the man out of Yorkshire, but...)

Thanks, everyone, for taking the time to offer your tips. I'm catching the early train tomorrow (Tuesday), and I'll let you know how I got on. The Japanese places sound interesting but, although I live in Somerset, I was raised in t'North, and hold the firm opinion that there's nowt wrong with sushi that five minutes in a chip fryer wouldn't sort out. I'm not sure how long I'll have at lunchtime, so I'll have to wing it. St John B&W would be my first choice. And Anakana looks intriguing. Quite fancy some noodles, though... Again, many thanks. - Tony -

I be goin' up to London from deepest Somerset next week for a morning meeting, and will be in the Liverpool St / Moorgate area. Is there anywhere nearby that anyone could recommend that's: . pleasant for a solitary diner . not too dear (say <£30) I like most kinds of food, but ethnic's thin on the ground in the SW, so I'm leaning that way. Thanks in anticipation. - Tony -

Tinned burgers are still available. They are made by Westlers and come in cans of four, in "a rich onion gravy". Westler's website will reveal all the gory details, including the ingredients. [Hint: don't go there] - Tony -

I used cider vinegar, as I just happened to have an old bottle with exactly the right quantity left in it. The colour was lighter than yours, with more of an orange tint. - Tony -

As the missus & daughter were away for a few days, I thought I'd take the opportunity to try Waaza's intriguing & extensive vindaloo recipe. I have to admit I like British Indian restaurant food - or some of it, anyway - but I leave that for going out. At home, I like to cook "authentic", whatever that means. Now I know there can never be a single, definitive recipe for any Indian dish, but I've googled a lot for vindaloos, and Waaza's recipe had a good feel to it. Plus Grub really raved about the result. Doubleplus, I've followed Waaza's comments on uk.food+drink.indian & he knows his stuff. Period. So I tried to follow the recipe as closely as I could, with the following variations/comments: 1. Couldn't get a shoulder cut of my favourite free range rare breed pork, so had to make do with 4 "spare rib chops". They had a nice marbling of fat. However, after trimming, I ended up with only 600g of meat. 2. Got home to find I didn't have any whole fenugreek seeds, like wot I thought. So I added 1/2 tsp of ground fenugreek along with the garlic and ginger. 3. I used 7 very small (2cm x 0.5 cm) dried birdseye chillies from Pakistan. I know from experience they're ferociously hot, and usually use only a couple in any dish. But, hell, it's a vindaloo. Go for it! 4. Waaza didn't say what to do to the garlic, so I crushed it and chopped it finely. It added a nice speckled appearance to the finished dish, BTW. 5. Had no trouble covering the pork in the marinade. Firstly, there was less pork, and secondly I used a deep dish, rather than a shallow box like Grub. 6. I used butter ghee for frying the onions etc. as I had some in the fridge. 7. The first bhuna took for ever! I'd thoroughly drained the marinade from the meat, but more & more liquid came out as it cooked. But I resisted the very, very strong temptation to turn up the heat. 8. There were only a couple of tbsp of marinade left, so I added a little water and used this for the second bhuna. By this time my stomach was telling me to get a move on, so I didn't bhuna any more. 9. While bhuna-ing, I noticed that nowhere had Waaza specified any salt. I try not to be too heavy-handed with the NaCl, but a total lack seemed wrong. So I added a tsp with the water after the bhuna. 10. My range couldn't maintain the specified very slow simmer, so I used the smallest burner on minimum & hoped for the best. 11. Due to inattention (I was re-grouting the patio during all this (what a giddy whirl life can be!)) it simmered for 1 hour 20 mins. 12. I ate it with plain rice and a simple saag aloo, with a dish of raita to hand in case the heat proved too much. Oh, and a cold bottle of Budvar. Or two. And the result? a. Appearance: appealing. A pleasant mid brown/orange with only a moderate amount of speckled gravy. b. Texture: incredible. I'd thought it would be either tough because of the extended cooking time & higher temperature, or soft and falling apart into strings. But no! In biting into the first cube of pork, it yielded and felt like - hard to describe - a very firm fudge. That doesn't sound very nice, does it? But it was. Absolutely phenomenal. After a couple of chews, the pork blended into the thick gravy creating a gorgeous mouth-feel. A molecular transformation worthy of Mr Blumenthal. c. Flavour: excellent. It's hard to descibe taste in words, as the vapid ramblings of many a wine writer attest. On first impression, there was a pleasant spicyness and a mild heat. But after a second or two, a deep warmth began to grow, which seemed to bring out or intensify the underlying smokiness and dark, earth flavours of the roasted and bhuna-ed spices. Not a sharp heat, but a slowly developing warmth that makes me drool in trying to recollect it. In short: one of the best dishes I've ever prepared. I can't wait to try it out on some of my curry-loving friends and colleagues. Waaza - when are you going to write a book? Can I order my copy now? Deep respect. - Tony -

I've been using Riverford for over four years now. Their veg is excellent, but I stopped getting their fruit because so much was imported, especially in winter. If they deliver in your area, I'd recommend them highly. - Tony -

Down here in South West we're blessed with a fair share of interesting and inventive restaurants & enough foodies downsizing from the rat race to make them viable. Not many Michelin stars, but then... (don't get them started on that topic!). But the only reviews we see are when a London-based writer persuades his or her editor to stump up the exes for a long jaunt. So every few months we get a review of Rick's latest venture in Padstein, or Michael Caines in Exeter, or... that's about it really. Same old same old. They're not going to drive for five hours to eat at a place that's not already got a solid reputation or pedigree. An exception here is Jan Moir, who occasionally visits less well-known places. Her selection of Mortehoe Shellfish as one of her restaurants of the year was an eccentric and inspired choice. As for the local press and monthly glossies: well, it's obvious they simply cannot afford to print a critical review and piss off their advertisers: the restaurant plus a dozen or so local suppliers. On the rare occasions you get a review, it's always in the advertorial style: "My partner and I chose rump steaks from the long and varied menu prepared to order by chef Ebenezer Horobin, who has an HNC in catering from Barnstaple Tech." Which, in a nutshell, is why eGullet is invaluable. - Tony -

While at college in London, a friend invited a bunch us over to her room in the hall of residence for supper. She was a lovely girl, a great singer and artist, and came from Jewish/Indian stock, so we had great hopes for an interesting meal. Oh dear. The menu comprised canned Westler's hamburgers, canned processed marrowfat peas and canned new potatoes. And in order to lose none of that natural yummy goodness, she didn't drain anything. At all. Just plated up the meal so that the solids floated (or sank) in an Impressionistic soup of watery greys, greens and browns. My girlfriend and I ran into her again a couple of years after leaving college, and she invited us back to her new flat in St John's Wood. She pottered about in the kitchen, and we drank wine, and a really pleasant smell began to emerge. I smiled and raised my eyebrows at the GF. She pointed to a row of recipe books in the bookcase. Maybe we were in for a treat. Our hostess announced the dish of the day: Lemon chicken! Now, when you see in a recipe: "take the grated rind of half a lemon, plus the juice of two lemons", do you: a. use your expensively gained school and college education to do what the recipe says; or b. grab about 5 whole lemons, chop them finely and bung them in, peel, pith, flesh, juice & pips? Sadly, she chose the latter option. On a happier note, she has since emigrated to Florida. One little bit of Brit revenge for the Boston Tea Party. - Tony -

I have a lot of dealings with library managers in my work, and find Mr Higgins' view of them at odds with my own experience. I find them generally intelligent, cultured and (no real surprise here) well read. If they're not accustomed to visiting the culinary haunts of many correspondents on this forum, it's mainly because they're paid a f***ing pittance. Even geeks deserve a decent meal now and then. Regards - Tony -

The Castle Hotel, Taunton is one of the better places to eat in Somerset, though it's not to everyone's taste. Jan Moir slagged it off unmerciifully in the Telegraph last year. But I've eaten there two or three times a year for the last fifteen years and only had a couple of disappointments. It's most famous as the launchpad for Gary Rhodes' career. He was replaced by Phil Vickery who was in turn, after an acrimonious parting with the proprietor Kit Chapman, succeded by the current chef Richard Guest. He continues the "modern British" theme established by Rhodes. The food is excellent, immaculately presented, and makes good use of locally supplied ingredients. The restaurant itself is rather old-fashioned, with starched white linen, gleaming glasses and cutlery, and inoffensive decor. The service is good - "posh but friendly" would be my summation. Some folks have found it stuffy, but, heck, it's a fairly dear restaurant in an old market town in the south west. It's going to be full of retired colonels, well-off widows, and businessmen on expenses. You're unlikely to find the black-clad Hoxton crowd down here in Zummerzet. They do a set lunch (all week) and dinner (Mon-Thur) at £25 for 3 courses, including a glass of wine, which is good value. Of course, by the time you've added on the G&Ts, more wine and coffee, you end up paying somewhat more. There's also an a la carte, which will probably end up at about £40+ for 3 courses. The wine list is long, good, but not cheap. I like it. - Tony -