the queneau

I bloomity frickin' hate bartenders messing around with my Guinness: Black stuff, white stuff, pint glass. Difficult? Like a Martini, a pint of Guinness is supremely elegant in its naked simplicity - clean, pure flowing lines. For someone to disrupt the almost Feng Shui aesthetic quality of this drink annoys me. But it happens all the thyme (although mainly to tourists, who think it's cute, and subsequently tip better). Yes, yes, I confess that I've done myself in the past, but the last thyme was the Paris Guinness Perfect Pour Competition, wherein I did draw a harp on the head. And I won! Always happy to forget my principles when there is cash/free booze involved.

For those of ewe looking to invest in a few more bottles (Stateside as well as in Europa), I thought I'd throw in this little linky: http://www.whiskyshop.com/ It has a portal for ewe folks in America, and provides a pretty definitive list of available malts. And for the record, wee Queneau is currently sipping on: Inchgower 26 year old (Speyside) Bruichladdich 12 year old (Islay) Littlemill 19 Year Old Dun Bheagan (Lowland) Isle of Jura 16 Year Old (Island) I like a geographical spread.

Ah, the age old question: "Does the means justify the end, or does the end justify the means?". To deconstruct: Having a drink is more than just about having a drink. Having a drink is not just about what is contained in whatever glass is put in front of me. Having a drink is about everything which takes place beforehand, and during, the preparation of that drink, and the organic processes involved. If I want a scent of lemon oil in my Martini, I want this imparted by a twist of lemon. Why? Because it's part of the organic process which adds to (in fact comprises) the very essence (pardon the pun) of having a Martini that whey (yes, my hyperbole here is deliberate). The attempt to make everything "easier" (bottles of Margarita pre-mix / Bloody Mary pre-mix / Rose's Lime - delete/add ad frickin' nauseum) is one of the contributory steps towards the dilution of quality cocktail preparation in America (in my empirical experience, natch - and no, I'm not tarring all with the same broad brush). Ewe want a pistache syrup? Sugar, water, handful of crushed pistachios, vanilla pod + 5 minutes on a stove. Difficult? I see no need for Monin. The final result is astonishingly different, the cost a lot cheaper, and the labour is pretty much zero. Not sure I see what is easier. Going back to my original point: If I'm paying £5 for a drink, I don't want shortcuts. If I'm making someone pay £5 for a drink, I won't use shortcuts. Why? Not just because of the final product, but because of (here we go again) the organic processes involved. Ewe pay ewer £5 because ewe want to watch someone skilled at their craft be able to create something which is emblematic of this skill. Vodka plus Pre-mix does not a creative, organic process make. I see no difficulty in extending this argument to use of extract over fresh, to the use of pre-made over home-made. I suppose it's about principle. I suppose it's about the means justifying the end. The Queneau *Apologies for the multiple parentheses. It's just the non-linear processes.

Not strictly true. The Bellini should "really" be made using the purée of white peaches, and Prosecco (not Champagne). I'm not claiming that this necessarily makes for a better drink than the many Bellini variants, but it is certainly how a Bellini is made in Harry's.

As far as I'm concerned, a Caipirinhia without sugar ceases to be a Caipirinhia. Some tenders I know use some form of granulated sugar, as they claim the resulting abrasion extracts the oils from the zests more efficiently. Personally, I think this is nonsense, and these folks should fetch themselves a decent muddler and use a bit more elbow-grease. There is nothin worse than undissolved sugar in a drink. As such, I use a variety of syrups, made from various sugars, honeys and infusions to create minor variations on a theme. Muscovado simple sugar infused with crystal ginger werks atrociously well, as does maple syrup infused with almonds.

Smirnoff is one of those ubiquitous products that is successful in the UK thanks to its prior market stranglehold and its past dominance. Over here, its success has been based on the fact that during the 60s and 70s the vodka market was an open field, which Smirnoff plundered in much the same whey as Bacardi did with the rum market. Guerilla marketing ensured that the customer reacted in a psychsomatic whey to the mere mention of vodka, to the point that brand and product became inextricably interchangeable. The results of this economic dominance is still in evidence in most rural parts of Ireland, to the point where, if a vodka and Coke is ordered, Smirnoff is expected, and Gawd help the tender who doesn't have it to hand. The bar I currently werk it in has Wyborowa as its rack vodka - yet trying to explain the nuances of Polish rye vodka is impossible against the tide of engrained influence that branding and re-branding has had over the years. To conclude: Smirnoff is muck as a product. On a cost basis alone, I prefer to serve Finlandia. As emblematic of the dangerous and repercussive effects of market dominance, I also find it repellant. Thankfully, the tide is slowly turning, as market dominance dissipates and discerning palates develop. Who knows, in 2 years thyme, we may have Zubrowka and Luksusowa in our wells. Bring the revolution kumrads!

Unfortunately, there is no method of preserving freshly pressed juice of any kind, without the use of mucky artifical chemicals. The only solution is to buy fresh limes on an ad hoc, when-ewe-need-it basis. If making a homemade sour mix, however (lime juice/lemon juice/sugar/water), then this can be given a longer shelf-life by throwing in a splash of vodka, which won't significantly affect the taste of the mix (depending on the size of the batch, natch). The problem of cloudy citrus juice is, however, easily resolved. Press ewer juice, and strain it through some muslin or cheese cloth. Some lazy folk advocate the use of coffee filters - this just doesn't seem "quite" organic enough to wee Queneau. And just to reiterate what ewe already know - everything from scratch. I mean everything. Having never heard of Real-lime, I'm guessing it's an oxymoronic approach to the diametrically opposed tropes which comprise the fresh/preserved lime dichotomy. And I think ewe already know this is just plain silly.

Brazilians limes are "very" different to those I have tasted in the US - they are smaller and have a lot more tartness to them. These are generally the only type of limes we have imported into bars in Ireland/Great Britain. As for brands: Pitu is to kerosene, what kerosene is to kerosene. Germana is the *only* brand I try to use, but will happily dip into a bottle of Velho Barreiro or Ypioca Crystal. As for infusing cachaça - any thing with a floral nose works really well, especually with the aforementioned Germana. I currently have it infusing with lychees and cinnamon, and goyave and vanilla.

I'm kinda suprised that all ewe all have failed to mention, while deconstructing the histoire of the Martini/Martinez, that it would "originally" (and yes, I ewese the term with deliberate ambiguity) have been made with Old Tom Gin. That Old Tom was a comparably sweeter drink then its London-based drier version, would inevitably have influenced the style of vermouth used in the drink (that is, sweet rather than dry). As my addled memory recalls, the use of dry vermouth in a Martini acted as a concomitant move, in line with the growing prevalence of dry gin, hence the advent of the "dry Martini" - indicating, not the amount of vermouth ewesed, but the style of gin and the style of vermouth - a move which shadowed the decline and disappearance of Old Tom. So, my point is this: While we all may wish to replicate as best we can the "original" martini, through the use of sweet vermouth, and bitters (orange), ultimately is it not a moot and futile experience, given we have no access to the main constituent? Hmmm?