Food Humor

[Rosie]

I thought it would be fun to have a food joke topic. If the postings don't have you smiling some jokes will!  Anyone?

[Fat Guy]

This joke is dedicated to Andy Lynes, official butt of all eGullet jokes:

An Irishman, the first ever to leave his tiny village for extensive travel, returns from a trip to England. The townspeople gather 'round and ask, "So, what's it like there in England?" To which he replies, "Well, it's a nice place, but such spicy food!"

[stefanyb]

This is not really a joke, not really funny and not really about food, it just cracks me up every time.

That said:

A man goes to his weekly psychiatric session.  The shrink asks him how his week went.  He says:   "Okay, but when I had lunch with my mother I made a terrible Freudian slip".

The shrink says:  "Really, why don't you tell me about it".

The man responds:  "Okay-- we went to a lovely restaurant.  We ordered two bowls of soup.  When the waiter brought the soup I tasted it and  thought it needed salt so I decided to ask her to pass the salt but instead I said -  You F@#$%kED up my life you miserable,  hateful, castrating   B%$TCH!"

(It does mention soup, salt and tasting)

[Shiva]

Beware, I've got a million of 'em and they're all bad!  

Two cannibals run into each other in the jungle. The first one says, "I'm having trouble with my recipes for missionaries.  I've tried boiling, baking, roasting, and they always come out tough and stringy."

The second cannibal asks, "Which missionaries are they?"

The first replies, "The ones down by the river bend with the strange haircuts and brown robes."

"Oh. Those are friars."

Thank you folks, I'll be here all week!

[Andy Lynes]

Quote: from Fat Guy on 8:48 pm on Sep. 5, 2001

This joke is dedicated to Andy Lynes, official butt of all eGullet jokes:

Did I miss the meeting when this was decided?

[yvonne johnson]

Andy, you can count on me. One of these days the USA lot will get their comeuppance!

OK, a  joke.

ValueJetty (slight name change to save me from litigation) goes down over the Florida everglades with many passengers.

One alligator to another:

"For a budget airline,  the food isn't bad"

[Andy Lynes]

Yvonne, thanks for your support, I'll always wear it.

[Pat Goldberg]

This is actually a correction to the Fat Guy's "schrod" joke posted elsewhere.  As posted, it makes no grammatical sense; this version will let other eGulleteers tell it and not get caught out.

Actually the San Franciscan (the version I heard) says to the Boston cabbie: "Cabbie, where might I have schrod?"

To which the cabbie replies:  "Mister I have heard it in the present tense, I have heard it in the past tense, but this is the first time I have heard anyone use the pluperfect subjunctive!"

End of grammar lesson!!!

[Fat Guy]

Oops. Seven years of Latin and I still can't get it right. Pluperfect = Past Perfect. So Past Pluperfect is redundant. Sorry! :)

[Margaret Pilgrim]

So our friend goes into a restaurant and orders eggs Benedict.  When it arrives, he is astounded that it is plated on a brilliant chrome platter.  He commenst on this to the waiter, who tells him, "It's got to be chrome for the hollandaise."

(courtesy of Click and Clack on PBS Saturday morning)

[Pat Goldberg]

Tiis is the longest running post about a joke possible...

No, the joke is about schrod, not about screwing.  Full joke:

A Bostonian goes to San Francisco, where a business acquaintance shows him a really good time.  In particular, he introduces him to Dungeness crab.  When the San Franciscan asks whether there is anything as good in Boston (remember, this is a joke), the Bostonian mentions schrod.

The next time the San Franciscan is in Boston, he is very busy, and forgets the recommendation.  However, when he is on his way to Logan, he feels hungry and remembers the schrod.  So he leans over and asks the cabbie, "Cabby, where might I have schrod?"  And the joke continues.

The pluperfect part involves "have schrod."  However, the subjunctive part of the joke requires "may" or "might"

[Shiva]

Here's a food riddle/joke that may require explanation:

Q. What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

A. "Make me one with everything."

[B Edulis]

Quote: from Jason Perlow on 4:16 pm on Sep. 5, 2001

the problem is, all the food jokes I know are of a sexual nature..

That's a problem?

Here's a good one:

Two Jews are sitting silently over a glass of tea.

"You know," says the first man, "life is like a glass of tea with sugar."

"A glass of tea with sugar?" asks his friend. "Why do you say that?"

"How should I know?" replys the first man. "What am I, a philosopher?"

from the Big Book of Jewish Humor/William Novak

[Brooklyn Guy]

Well, my small contribution, a very old chestnut:

Three elderly gents in the diner, the old Jewish waiter approaches to get the order.

First elderly gent says, "I want tea, not too hot,  no milk, no sugar."  The second says, "I want tea, very hot, with a little milk and some sugar on the side."  Third gent says, "I will also have tea, hot, and in a clean cup."

Waiter returns with the tea, says, "Who wanted the clean cup?"

[franklanguage]

Quote: from Shiva on 12:34 pm on Sep. 10, 2001

Q. What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

A. "Make me one with everything."

You forgot what the hot dog vendor said to him when he asked, "Hey, what about my change?": "Change comes from within."

[861728]

Guest: "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!"

Me: "Well sir, it is fresh ground."

Waiter to a table of women who lunch:

"Ladies, is anything OK?"

Guest: "Waiter, what do you suggest?"

Me: "I suggest your read the menu, pick something you like and tell me."

[Jon Tseng]

Why did Marx drink herbal tea?

... cuz he thought proper tea was theft!

boom boom! ;-)

[franklanguage]

One last one: "Honey, this lettuce taastes funny."

"It shouldn't; it's clean. I even washed it with soap."

[Kristian]

Well, this is an international one:

A Fly in the Wine

A group of people of different nationalities had arrived into a restaurant. They all ordered a glass of wine and sat down. When the wines were brought to the table, they all noticed that there was a fly in their glass.

* The Swedishman demanded to get new wine into the same glass.

* The Englishman demanded new wine in a new glass.

* The Finn took the fly out of the wine and drank it.

* The Russian drank the wine with the fly.

* The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine untouched.

* The Jew fished out his fly and sold it to the Chinese.

* The Gipsy drank two thirds of the wine and then demanded to have a new one.

* The Norwegian fished out the fly and left to see if he could catch a fish with it.

* The Irishman crushed his fly and mixed in into the wine and gave the wine to the englishman.

* The American sued the restaurant and demanded 65 million for emotional suffering.

* The Scot grasped the fly by the throat and screamed: "God d**n, throw up every last drop you swallowed!"

(Edited by Kristian at 6:21 pm on Nov. 12, 2001)

[Peter B Wolf]

Dubia invites Putin, Blair and Schroeder to go swimming at his ranch.

"Hey guys, this is America, when you get on the diving board, and yell out your favorite beverage, the pool will fill with it and you can enjoy"

Putin gets on the board and shouts "Vodka", pool fills, Putin jumps and is happy.

Blair gets on the board and yells "Scotch", pool fills, Blair jumps and is excited.

Schroeder gets on the board and screams "Beck Pilsener", Schroeder jumps to his dead.

The three survivors in unity "Does this German not know, it takes up to five minutes to draw a proper Pilsener?'"

[Phil Laurie]

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk int a bar.

The barman turns round and says ..... "this a joke or what ?

A woman walks into a shop and asks for a large double entendre please. The shop keeper replies " hang on a minute madam and I'll give you one.

Regards Phil

[yvonne johnson]

Two Glaswegians in a bar in Rome.

They ask the barman:”What does the Pope drink?”

Barman replies: “Hmmm…Crème de Menthe, I think”

Scotsmen: “Well, that’ll be two pints of the stuff for us”

[Wilfrid]

Quote: from yvonne johnson on 12:52 pm on Nov. 13, 2001

Two Glaswegians in a bar in Rome.

They ask the barman:”What does the Pope drink?”

Barman replies: “Hmmm…Crème de Menthe, I think”

Scotsmen: “Well, that’ll be two pints of the stuff for us”

continued...After several rounds, the Glaswegians pass out and wake up the next day in a very bad state.  "Well, " says one of them, "if that's what he drinks, no wonder they carry him around in that chair all day."

[yvonne johnson]

Well remembered Wilfrid. I think it might be a Billy Connolly joke.

Then there's the Monty Python diet.

Lunch would go something like this:

Ten tubs of lard

Six helpings fish and chips

Seven plates of bangers and mash

Spam and eggs

More spam

Two dozen Mars bars

2lbs chocolate raisins

Tea, NO sugar

[Blue Heron]

I'm part Irish, so here goes...(sorry it's a little long, but cute)...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders

three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of

the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the

bar and orders three more. The bartender asks

him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it

would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two

brothers.  One is in America, the other in Australia,

and I'm here in Dublin.  When we all left home, we

promised that we'd drink this way to remember

the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,

and leaves it there.  The Irishman becomes a

regular in the bar, and always drinks the same

way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints.  All

the other regulars notice and fall silent.  When he

comes back to the bar for the second round, the

bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your

grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on

your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then

a light dawns in his eye and he says. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit

drinking."