How to Give a Dinner Party

[Malawry]

I've been having friends and family over for dinner for so long that I can hardly remember what it was like to have a hard time planning these things. Even in college I had friends over for dinner sometimes and enjoyed hamming it up! So I'm wondering what you would tell somebody who didn't know so much about how to give a dinner party if they wanted to learn more about it. I'm referring to the whole enchilada here:

1. How do you set a menu?

2. How do you decide who to invite?

3. How do you make the table look nice?

4. How do you plan things so that you don't spend all night in the kitchen?

5. How do you keep the evening flowing smoothly?

I have my own opinions on what makes a dinner party special, but I'm more interested in yours right now.

[hjshorter]

Mix up the company, and for goodness sake don't try to mix people who you know don't get along. The will most likely not be gracious. Try to introduce friends who might enjoy each other's company.

Have plenty of wine, more than you think you need.

Keep the menu simple unless you've had a lot of experience and know how long everything will take to prepare, or you know your friends are skilled enough to help you out in the kitchen.

Set the table in the morning with lots of candles and lots of flowers. Don't leave it for the last minute.

Don't cook something for the very first time for a dinner party. Every time I've tried this it's turned out badly.

A buffet can be your friend, especially if you put some thought into the offerings.

Don't try to impress people. It's never fun to be the guest of someone who is trying too hard and stressed out.

[gsquared]

I find that a large number (8 or so) of small courses a la "tasting-style" works splendidly for a dinner party.

1. If the courses are chosen carefully, all the prep is done beforehand and it takes no time at all to finish each dish. You are absent from the table for small periods.

2. Because each dish is small, the flow of conversation is not stopped for serious chowing down.

3. I usually assign one guest to be the "kitchen elf" for a specific course to help with finishing and plating. Involves the guests in the process without them having to do really hard work.

4. The entire evening revolves around the dining part and there is no need to worry about "before" and "after".

5. Quite a lot of people are unfamiliar with the concept of a succession of small dishes and assuming that you do it well, it enhances your culinary rep no end.

[snowangel]

Rochelle, I think so much depends on the group and the purpose. I entertain a lot, and don't give a second thought to it. I invite various combinations of the same people. Often I don't plate, and do a family style meal, which can be very successful if the food is terrific. I guess my reason for entertaining is that I love spending time with these people. I will often combine fairly labor intenstive apps with a very casual meal, or visa versa.

Menu is always dictacted by what's fresh and local, and there are very few that I experiment with.

Quite frankly, my most successful dinner parties revolve around smoked butt or brisket (impresses the heck out of guests!). I've also had success with soup, bread, salad and a great dessert.

If I have close friends coming, I'll attempt something more ambitious with plated courses -- when I know I'm going to have great company in the kitchen.

If someone hasn't had many dinner parties, I'd say start with something that's familiar, and invite people you like, and you know would get along. It's really important that the dinner be fun for all involved, and if the hostess/host is too stressed, it's just not fun.

And, clean the house and get the table, dishes, etc. ready well ahead of time, as Heather said. The last "housekeeping" detail is always a quick buff of the counters and fresh handtowels in the bathroom.

[Marlene]

I've been having friends and family over for dinner for so long that I can hardly remember what it was like to have a hard time planning these things. Even in college I had friends over for dinner sometimes and enjoyed hamming it up! So I'm wondering what you would tell somebody who didn't know so much about how to give a dinner party if they wanted to learn more about it. I'm referring to the whole enchilada here:

1. How do you set a menu?

2. How do you decide who to invite?

3. How do you make the table look nice?

4. How do you plan things so that you don't spend all night in the kitchen?

5. How do you keep the evening flowing smoothly?

I have my own opinions on what makes a dinner party special, but I'm more interested in yours right now.

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This is my territory!

1. Set a menu based on your guests likes, but also on what you like to cook. Take into account allergies etc and go.

2. It really depends. Business dinners I invite a wide variety of people, call it eclectic. Friends, I tend to invite those who get along.

3. Table settings are seasonal and purely by taste.. Candles, seasonal offerings, flowers,poinsettas etc.

4.I do a lot of things in advance so that I have time to spend wih my guests. Also, my guests like to sit in the kitchen, so if I have last minute stuff, they like to watch and chat.

5. That really depends on you and your guests. As hostess, it's your job to ensure there's a mix of conversation going on, glasses are filled etc. A good dinner party seems to come off effortless, no matter what you have to put into the back end, if that makes sense.

[Pam R]

We were just discussing this yesterday. A customer gave this simple advice for throwing a dinner party:

Call a caterer. Except for #2, they can take care of everything.

[Susan in FL]

Great subject -- I would like to do more entertaining than I do. I know I am a really good cook, and people always have a good time when they come to our home, but I get more nervous than I like to admit. I think what I need to do is simplify, and enjoy. I plan too much and too elaborate. All you guys have said, I know... I just need to put it to work and settle down and have fun.

And so to add to this discussion, do you have any suggestions for menus that are really good for advance prep, and minimal work when the guest arrive? I've got the ambience and the beautiful table and the flowers and candles and music and selecting the guests all down pat... I think I just need to settle down about the food I cook.

[Chris Amirault]

A few additional (and, perhaps, repetitive -- no coffee yet ) thoughts:

Consider cold or room temp dishes: do-aheads rule. Thai salads and Italian antipasti are great examples of good dinner party fare. Stuff that loses its appeal as it cools is a bad idea, for lots of reasons. There are certain kinds of statements that I think a host should not utter during convivial conversation at a dinner party; if you're like me, you'll find it hard to maintain your facial composure as you quell your desire to shout, "Shut the fuck up and eat it before it's cold!"

Enable the picky to expand without starving by putting down a few things that push their envelopes. That provides a conversation topic without forcing people to eat stuff they decide they abhor.

Use your larder to plan. Some of the best things I can serve -- sausages, stocks, cured stuff -- are sitting happily and unassuming in my fridge and freezer.

When you've set your menu, pull out all of your serving dishes and utensils, label each pair, and if you're doing a buffet, set them where you'll want them when full. I started doing this just recently when I realized that I had planned to put three things in two platters in one place. Doh!

When you make your shopping list, remember that old saying about assuming when you think about staples. I never forget the standout ingredients like wild mushrooms or the green mango, but I've had to make trips for kosher salt.

Rachel Ray is a ding-a-ling in a lot of ways, but her "prep when you bring it home" idea is smart for a party. Clean and trim everything as you bring it out of the bags; it saves a ton of time at the sink and garbage can when you're ready to cook.

Heather's advice not to try to impress doesn't work with me, I'm afraid. I confess to a desire to impress my eight-year-old when I serve her Cheerios, and a dinner party? Fuggedaboudit. The morning of the event, tell your family that you love them dearly, then hug and kiss them, then put on your apron and explain -- while brandishing a knife -- that you'll be treating them very poorly should they set foot in the kitchen for the rest of the day. Or maybe that's just me.

Give your knives a loving slide over your steel or, better yet, your sharpener before you start. Happy knives means happy you.

Do your mise en place with real devotion. Figure out a way to label everything clearly.

[Safran]

Heather's advice not to try to impress doesn't work with me, I'm afraid. I confess to a desire to impress my eight-year-old when I serve her Cheerios, and a dinner party? Fuggedaboudit. The morning of the event, tell your family that you love them dearly, then hug and kiss them, then put on your apron and explain -- while brandishing a knife -- that you'll be treating them very poorly should they set foot in the kitchen for the rest of the day. Or maybe that's just me.

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Yesss!! I'm not the only one!

[Malawry]

Thanks for all your great responses, people. I personally am in the "impress them" camp, but I'm teaching a class in how to give a dinner party soon and think that this isn't the best advice for a dinner-party newbie.

I'm working over a short menu to teach during a class on this subject, and I am definitely a big believer in doing as much in advance as possible. I agree with Susan in FL that some sample dinner-party menus would be helpful What have you prepared while entertaining lately?

[Marlene]

Potatoes madelaines are great , easy and can be made in advance and popped into the oven 25 minutes before you're ready to eat.

I love doing glazed carrots in a slow cooker. Put them on 4 hours before you want to eat and forget about them. Doing them that way also frees up another burner on your stove if you need one.

Any roast is good because you don't have to spend a lot of time fussing with it, checking,stirring etc. Time it so it goes in before guests arrive and ready to eat about an hour and a bit after they arrive so people have time for a drink and a nibble A good remote thermometer is an excellent tool here because you never have to open the oven to check on it, unless you're roasting potatoes, and then only to turn the potatoes occassionally.. You could also roast the potatoes with the roast, again, freeing up a burner and not having to worry about potato prep. Or if you're going to do mashed, peel them early and put them in a pot of water on the stove before people arrive.

For a casual dinner party, lazagna can be a good choice and can be made ahead up until baking time, and kept in the fridge

Just about any braise can be made the day before and heated for service the day of.

For salads, chop all the stuff you're going to add and keep them in bowls in the fridge. Croutons can be made a couple of days ahead

In the summer, BBQ's of course, and coleslaw, potato and macaroni salads can all be made in advance.

Appetizers that can be made in advance include beef tenderloin canapes, antipasta, cornmeal mini muffins or brie cranberry mini muffins, fruit platters, vegetable platters and cheese plates.

Most desserts can be made in advance.

But mostly, if these are brand new entertainers, my advice would be, start small. Don't try to throw a dinner party for twelve your first time. And start with a group of good friends that you can relax with. Throw two or three dinner parties of 4-6 people as practice before you move up to entertaining clients, business associates or strangers.

Also, for your very first time, make things you are familiar with. Prepare things that you know how they are supposed to taste or look. Your first dinner party is not the time to be experimenting, you'll be nervous enough!

[Chris Amirault]

My most recent example was Xmas dinner for ten, which had the following:

a. Tony Bourdain's rillettes

b. crudités et cornichons

c. soupe de poisson

d. frisée aux lardons avec oeufs

e. Paula Wolfert's daube

f. roasted potatoes

g. tarte tatin

On the day of the event, a and b needed no cooking; c and e needed reheating or minimal cooking; d needed only the eggs cooked for the meal, and the lardons heated; f and g needed to be prepped and cooked just prior to serving. I prepared the rillettes several days in advance, and the daube was an extensive, rewarding multi-day affair.

Another very different example would be a Thai dinner I served a few months ago. We started with tom yum gung -- incredibly simple prep that requires some Thai basics and a good chicken stock -- and the main meal had some good, new crop jasmine rice at the center, accompanied by four salads: pomelo salad, cucumber salad, smoked fish and green mango salad, and chicken larb (mai oui). Only the pomelo salad had to be combined just prior to serving.

[Marlene]

3. How do you make the table look nice?

I tend to keep my table simple. A small centerpiece or candle. I don't want to have to look around something in the middle to see the person at the other end. Real napkins are essential in my view and a napkin ring is a nice touch. I've used both good china or Corelle for place settings depending on how casual or formal the dinner party is.

And I always, always, set the table the morning of, so it's out of the way.

[Shalmanese]

hah, I break all my rules when I do dinner parties. I serve elaborate, multi-course meals (at least 4, the most I've done is 10), dishes I've never cooked before in my life, elaborate preparations that require 4 pans going at once and intricate platings with geometric precision. Whats the fun in a boring old dinner party where your just reheating stuff? Might as well have it catered if your doing that. To me, half the joy of a dinner party is fighting through an alcohoic haze in a kitchen of barely controlled chaos and pumping out beautiful dishes. That being said, I have had a couple of lessons along the way that I've found to be good ideas:

1. Send them the menu beforehand, prepare to be flexible. People have all sorts of wierd food allergies or dislikes you never hear of until you cook the food. If you don't send them the menu, then they might not know until they come and then become too embarrased to say anything and suffer in silence. Sure, it detracts a bit from the surprise of the event but it also means no unpleasant revelations. If I'm introducing a relatively esoteric ingredient, I try as much as possible to have a backup in place on the day. Usually, I'll get everyone to try a bit of whatever the ingredient is and switch to the more boring backup if theres a negative reaction.

2. The Dinner is for them, not you. This isn't your chance to show them how sophisticated or pretentious you are or to impress them with your elegance. This is a time for bonding and sharing and good conversation. The food is designed to support all this, not vie for attention from it. Cook the food *they* like to eat, even if it seems a bit mundane for you. it doesn't mean you don't get to stretch yourself, get a grip on their likes and dislikes, an introduce them to new flavours you think they would enjoy. A friend I have really enjoys sweet, tropical fruits but she has only really had mango and pineapple. I've managed to introduce her to lychee, passionfruit and a few other fun things which has pushed my culinary boundaries as well.

3. Sweat the small stuff. The small touches count for a lot. I always have my signature, home made lemonade on the table for every dinner party. I always have hand printed custom menus, printed on a nice, thick, textured cream parchement paper (which they can take home as a souvenier). A nice palate cleanser or appetiser to start it off. The good silverware, the good china. All of these show that you care and add up to be more than their parts.

4. Don't sweat the big stuff. That chocolate mousse made from $40/lb Valhrona chocolate that you sweated all day to make, sitting with a single divot taken out of it? who cares, it's only food. Once the party gets under way, then I completely stop caring about how the evening is going to turn out. Roast is burnt? Soup oversalted? Guests not appreciative of your efforts? Who cares, it's only food. Instead, focus your energies on what the party should be really about, friendship. All the disasters in the world will be forgotten if you can get the basics right. That time I turned my back on a lentil soup for 5 seconds and it went from a brilliant green to puke? I just apologised, they tried some anyway, pronouce it delicious but only took a few bits. I just moved to the course and smiled as if nothing had happened. By the end of the meal, it was forgotten.

5. Take your time. Your not in a restaurant, you don't have to have the dishes banged out in 5 minutes or less. Your guests are perfectly happy to wait 10, 20, even 30 minutes between courses. Take a deep breath and just concentrate on the cooking, don't watch the clock, don't try and rush it, you have all the time in the world. I guess having an open kitchen helps as I can keep the conversation flowing but I've also been self-absorbed and returned midstream into fascinating diversions. One trick I've found is to have a semi-structured interlude in a long meal. Serve all the courses before mains in relatively quick order based on reheated or cold stuff (app, soup, salad, should be easy). Then, take a 20 minute break where all the guests move into the living room to digest their food while you prepare the main, then move them back into the dining room for the rest of the dinner.

6. Portion Control. I've always had a bit of difficulty with this one but I can usually get it so people are just slightly uncomfortably full and don't feel like moving anywhere at the end of dessert. IMHO, this is the right amount of food for a dinner party. Just remember, if your serving lots of courses, they need to be small. Scale your main down to 1/2 a serving of what you would eat yourself is a reasonable first order approximation. Much smaller and it becomes like finicky restaurant food where it's gone in 2 bites.

7. impress with the starters, satisfy with the mains, taunt with the desserts. It's a general theme that I tend to go with. The starters, although the least amount of food, tend to actually require the most effort, involving sophisticated layering of flavours and impressive presentation. This is where I show off my culinary sophistication. The mains, I'm more focused on combining relatively simple flavours in a harmonious manner to provide a deeply satisfying fullness. Dessert is where I let my inner demon get out and throw in all the naughty stuff. Deep chocolate, larger than life fruit flavours, rich alcohol bases. but only in very small portions. The last bite should have you scrabbling your spoon around the plate for the next 5 minutes, trying politely to scoop up another crumb or two of that flavour while nonchalantly seeming not-desperate. The dessert is the last course and what stays with people in their memories.

8. Have fun! If I need to explain this, then no forum thread is ever going to help you .

Edited February 26, 2006 by Shalmanese (log)

[Jaymes]

Lordy, Shalmanese... There was a time when I was giving at least two or three dinner parties per week, and usually a luncheon or two. For 8-80 guests. In my home.

I shudder to think what would have happened to me had I tried to keep up with that standard. I'd still be writing menus.

Oh, and ps, regarding sending them the menu beforehand. That would be the exact opposite from my advice. I usually advise not even telling them what they're going to eat until after they've had half of it. The conversations often go like this: "My, something smells good, what is it?" "Fiesta Bake." "Fiesta Bake? What's in it?" "Oh, this and that...here, can you put some ice water in the glasses for me?" It's been my experience that if you tell them in advance, sure enough, they'll hear an ingredient they think they don't like.

Butterflied leg of lamb on the grill is a favorite summertime dinner party main for me, and I simply cannot tell you how often people have said, after they've eaten a goodly portion and discover what it is, "Lamb? This is lamb? But I don't like lamb." I'm absolutely certain they would have turned up their noses and refused to try it had I told them in advance what it was. By not doing so, I allowed them to approach it with an open mind.

I'll ask if there are any allergies I should know about, but if they say no, all bets are off. And if they inhale a couple quarts of spinach dip, thinking it's some sort of guacamole, good on me.

Edited February 26, 2006 by Jaymes (log)

[Shalmanese]

Yeah, I usually aim for about one every 3 months or so. I'd burn out on much more than that. To me, a dinner party has always been a chance to stretch my culinary legs and try something new. I get bored making the same old stuff every day and I just like the chance to dedicate a solid day or two to overly elaborate, time consuming ventures.

At the other end of the scale is when dinner parties are essentially like everyday meals, except with outsiders at the table. Thats an equally valid approach but one I personally am not too interested in.

[Jaymes]

Yeah, I usually aim for about one every 3 months or so. I'd burn out on much more than that. To me, a dinner party has always been a chance to stretch my culinary legs and try something new. I get bored making the same old stuff every day and I just like the chance to dedicate a solid day or two to overly elaborate, time consuming ventures.

At the other end of the scale is when dinner parties are essentially like everyday meals, except with outsiders at the table. Thats an equally valid approach but one I personally am not too interested in.

That's a nice luxury, but sometimes one finds oneself in a position where entertaining is required for professional reasons.

Sigh.

Although it was fun, and I did get very good at it.

[Jaymes]

Here's a tip I find invaluable for the success of any party.

Adjust your lighting.

Arriving to a party and discovering the place lit up like a high school gymnasium kills the mood. Your living/dining room need to be softly, but evenly lighted. And you can't judge that after being in your brightly-lit bathroom.

So, until you get the hang of it, after you think you've got it 'right,' go stand on your front porch for a few minutes until your eyes adjust, and then step inside. Inviting?

If not, try replacing the high wattage bulbs in your table lamps with softer, lower wattage. This works much better than simply leaving some of the lamps turned off. That creates some too bright 'glarey' spots, and some dark holes. Much better to have all lamps on, but softly glowing. And, if you don't have a dimmer on your dining room light, get one. Candles are, obviously, always a nice touch after sundown.

I'm currently living in a retirement community. These old folk have every light in the place on, with bulbs as strong as that particular fixture allows. And their parties end at 10pm. It's impossible to get that happy, mellow feeling until you're home in your own bed.

With the lights down low.

Edited February 26, 2006 by Jaymes (log)

[hjshorter]

Thanks for all your great responses, people. I personally am in the "impress them" camp, but I'm teaching a class in how to give a dinner party soon and think that this isn't the best advice for a dinner-party newbie.

I assumed you were asking for a newbie. Hence the "don't try too hard to impress advice".

[Jaymes]

Thanks for all your great responses, people. I personally am in the "impress them" camp, but I'm teaching a class in how to give a dinner party soon and think that this isn't the best advice for a dinner-party newbie.

I assumed you were asking for a newbie. Hence the "don't try too hard to impress advice".

I'd absolutely agree with giving newbies that advice. Here's what I used to tell folks that seemed so nervous at giving their first dinner parties:

Ask yourself how you feel when you're invited to someone's home for dinner. Happy and flattered to be invited? Looking forward to the company? Or mentally packing up your clipboard so you can make critiques. And if a dish or two stumbles, how do YOU feel? Are you furious that your host/hostess was so inept, or are you more inclined to just have another glass of wine and still be happy that you're there.

The fact is that most folks are just pleased and complimented to be thought of, to be included. They're not expecting the French Laundry. And usually, whatever they're served is going to be different and most likely tastier than the "same ol' same ol'" they would have had at home that particular night.

[Marlene]

Thanks for all your great responses, people. I personally am in the "impress them" camp, but I'm teaching a class in how to give a dinner party soon and think that this isn't the best advice for a dinner-party newbie.

I assumed you were asking for a newbie. Hence the "don't try too hard to impress advice".

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Exactly. Most of us here are experienced cooks and entertainers. We can go elaborate, branch out and try new things and feel pretty comfortable doing it. Entertaining can be intimidating for those who have never done much, and who aren't overly confident yet in their culinary skills. The KISS principle really applies here. Keep it simple, familiar and small to start. Gain some confidence and branch out.

[Jaymes]

A few more thoughts for newbies...

Try to have one dish type of thing, with a salad and bread for first-timers. If it's winter, go with a hearty pasta, or something that can be simmering on the stove and ladled up, such as stew, or chili. There's a reason why so many neophyte dinner party hosts in their twenties fall back on spaghetti, or lasagna, or coq au vin.

If it's summer, do something on the grill. You can even have a main as simple as hamburgers, and throw your creativity into several unusual and interesting sides and accompaniments. And perhaps a terrific dessert.

It is a must, though, especially for newbies, to be certain to have some kind of appetizers ready to go when the guests arrive. I've been to dinner parties thrown by young people that offered nothing when you first got there. And since timing can be hard to learn, the dinner wasn't ready until after ten. By then, we were all drunk and starving.

Of course, maybe that was her plan all along. It certainly made for an appreciative bunch of diners.

Edited February 26, 2006 by Jaymes (log)

[Malawry]

Yes, I am most interested in advice for newbies, but we non-newbies can all learn from each other as well. I am not so good with setting the mood via lighting and table decor, for example, so advice like Jaymes and Marlene have delivered on those counts is very helpful to me.

The last time I entertained was when my mother and my best friend were up last weekend for my baby shower. On Friday night I served a salad with five-spice pecans and a shallot-sherry vinaigrette, tomato soup, seared duck breast with poire william sauce and pears, mashed potatoes and butter-balsamic asparagus, and chocolate-covered cheesecake bites for dessert an hour later. Sunday morning, the other meal I prepared, I served scones, scrambled eggs and sliced comice pears with juice and coffee. Neither took much out of me since I was able to MEP much in advance, and my mom came in to help me plate up the entree Friday night. But I'd hesitate to tell people to make something like a seared duck breast if they're cooking for 8 or trying hard to impress somebody--it requires last-minute fussing.

[Tess]

A few more thoughts for newbies...

Try to have one dish type of thing, with a salad and bread for first-timers.  If it's winter, go with a hearty pasta, or something that can be simmering on the stove and ladled up, such as stew, or chili.  There's a reason why so many neophyte dinner party hosts in their twenties fall back on spaghetti, or lasagna, or coq au vin. 

I'm a huge fan of beef bourguignon for this exact reason.

When I started out, one thing that I found reduced the pressure with medium to large groups was to start by serving several small plates (think mezes) and a few different breads, and then bringing a stew type of dish to the table and passing dishes of that around. The small dishes remain on the table and they can fill up on those if they don't like the main. If I've been told that someone is a vegetarian or whatever I will make doubly sure there is something for them, but otherwise I just serve enough different stuff to make it unlikely that anyone will starve.

I also agree with candlelight and lots of decent wine, and maybe some not too obtrusive music. I gave up on trying to mix cocktails unless someone else wants to do it.

[rich]

Don't cook something for the very first time for a dinner party.  Every time I've tried this it's turned out badly. 

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That's interesting - I always attempt to make all first time starters - unless a guest calls ahead of time and asks for a dish they had before.

I keep a journal with the date, people and each course (with wine selections) so I never repeat to the same guests. Since I rarely cook the same thing twice, it's not much of a problem but there are occasions.

Last night I had a dinner party for six - 13 items (six amuse bouche), first course, second course, entree with two vegetables, dessert, cheese course with accompaniments and only two dishes had done before (the amuse bouche roasted shallot custard and the hash browns with the entree).