R.I.P., Dad

[JanMcBaker]

Well, on August 31, 2005 my three brothers, my sister and I buried our Dad, who died suddenly, unexpectedly, on August 26 at age 84. And yes, in a somewhat roundabout, probably longwinded way, this is about food.

I was gathering my thoughts about him and food. Various memories came to mind over the last couple weeks or so since he died. How he managed to feed a family of seven on a smallish salary in the 60's. Baked chicken was a fixture at least 2-3 nights a week. And after so much chicken over the years, I'm amazed that I still love it. How we both loved onion rolls, especially the ones from the Jubilee Deli in Levittown where we lived years ago. They were stuffed with onions, not just sprinkled on the outside. They were a Sunday morning treat once in a while. Oh, and he cooked Sunday breakfast. Fried eggs, basted in bacon fat! Yikes! And imagine ONE pound of Habersett's scrapple sliced thin enough for seven people! I was well into my adult years before it occurred to me that you could cut it thicker.

There's other memories, but suddenly they've been clouded by a rush of tears, and I'm having trouble seeing the screen clearly. I still can't believe that he's actually gone. But there is one more memory that I'd like to share, one that I hope that the members here can appreciate.

My sister and I were able to join a CSA this year-- community supported agriculture. Basically, you buy a share in a farm's production and get their produce for the season. The Saturday before Dad died was 'day at the farm'. You could go to the farm and see where your food came from and there was a potluck lunch. When we told Dad we were going he said 'ooh, get some white corn.' He loved good corn, and good tomatoes. He despised what he called 'cookie cutter' tomatoes. You know, those ones bred for everything but taste.

So, we went to the farm and had a lovely time, and we picked tomatoes from the field, and the next day brought some fresh white corn and tomatoes to Dad's. And the next Friday he was dead, apparently right after he finished lunch. It's certainly not easy, but there's been some comfort in knowing that for his last meal he was able to have some fresh, wonderful tomatoes, picked by his own daughters, from an Amish farm in Lancaster County, PA. Rest in peace, Dad. I hope there's a heaven for you, and that they have all the wonderful white corn and real tomatoes you could want.

[mizducky]

That was beautiful. Sincerest condolences on the loss of your dad. (Okay, now I'm tearing up too...)

[srhcb]

Jan,

A nice tribute to your Dad. Food often evokes powerful emotions in a subtle and manner. I'm sure it's nice to know your Dad was probably having pleasant memories of you and your sister in his last hours here..

You may find some comfort in another Thread on this Forum:

http://forums.egullet.org/index.php?showtopic=73475

Several of the stories posted there contain elements similar to yours.

Best Wishes

SB

[KatieLoeb]

Jan:

My sincere condolences on your loss. Your memories are precious and that you were able to give your dad a lunch that he clearly appreciated so much is a wondrous thing. You and your sister are very good daughters.

And if there's corn and tomatoes in Heaven, I've no doubt they might be from Lancaster County.

[docsconz]

A love of good food is an important thing to impart to one's children. It sounds as if he succeeded.

[oneidaone]

Well as I type there is the scent of rain and the slightest hint of it falling in small almost invisible

droplets, as I look out the window toward the mountains I see a rainbow and I can't help but thinking that it is a sign from all of our dear departed friends and family (human and pets) to be

joyful in the memories we have of them and always keep them in our hearts. I too teared up when

I read your post and you and your family are in my thoughts. You'll find (if you haven't already) that the folks that post here are very comforting and caring, Lord knows they've all helped me in

a very difficult past year filled with 2 major losses of family members. What a great story

you shared with us. Take care and thanks for sharing, Mekealoha Pumehana & a hui hou....

[zeffer81]

Food plays a major role during a period of mourning or fear. We had a recent scare with my 60 year old father (he was heavily sedated on a ventilator for close to a month) and my mother and I wondered why we kept stuffing our mouths. Food, it turned out, was the highlight of our miserably long days spent at the hospital. Just the idea of a warm dinner and a glass of wine or two at the end of the day brought forth a little ray of light.

My deepest condolences on the loss of your father. He sounds like he was an amazing soul.

[Angela Alaimo]

Jan,

I'm sorry you lost your Dad. Yes, there is a heaven for him and he will have white corn and tomatoes there, but never as sweet and wonderful as that which his daughters brought him. How good it is to love and be loved.

You will always miss him, but you'll always have him in your heart and in the stories of your life.

Angela

[Pan]

That was really touching. I'm very sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

[ladyyoung98]

i add my condolences as well. right now my mother is in the process of dying as well but there is nothing sudden about hers..hers is the prolonged type..but i too think of her when we were all younger ..the wonderful meals she made to feed six kids on a tight budget as well..the cookies she baked..the birthdays she made wonderful for us..and her addictioon to m & m's..im sure when she gets to heaven she will have all the m & m's she could possibly want..

i share your grief over your father...

[sparrowgrass]

My sympathy, too. My dad died suddenly about 3 years ago, and if there is a buffet in heaven, he is first in line. Maybe your dad is right behind him.

I think it says somewhere in the Bible that heaven is full of sweet corn and tomatoes.

Take care of yourself. The pain eases after a while, but the memories stay.

[browniebaker]

Jan,

I am very sorry about your Dad's passing. What you wrote was beautiful. Your dad sounds like a wonderful person. Your father has left you a legacy of good memories of food and times shared, which you can draw on in these difficult days and thereafter. Please know I am thinking of you and hoping each day brings you some solace.

Brownie

[fifi]

Mother and Dad passed away a few years ago within two weeks of each other, Dad first. Unhappily, they were in bad shape the last two years so we saw the event with some measure of relief. We buried Mother with a "bridal bouquet" of orchids and fresh herbs from my garden. She was one of the first "in the neighborhood" to get into fresh herbs of all kinds that no one had ever heard of. That was in the late 50s. (She also raised orchids for a while. Dad built her greenhouse.) Theirs was one of the truly great love stories.

Dad was a very strong man and came out of the war with a master diesel mechanic's rating and soon also became a master carpenter. Sort of a "man's man" kind of guy. But he did cook. My first memory of him in the kitchen was when he made Scotch Raisin Bread every Christmas. That was about all I remember of him in the kitchen until I was in junior high and he got the cooking bug really bad. We still remember some of his whackier experiments, usually with large hunks-o-cow. Mother was a really good and adventurous cook but Dad took it to the limit sometimes. He would get obsessed with a recipe and tweak it forever. I thought a lot about Dad as I did this chicken recipe in the eGCI braising class.

My sister and I take great joy in our memories of them, often connected with some food event. My sister swears that she was at the stove one day and had this "vision" of them arm in arm and Mother was saying "Look Eddie. She is adding too much garlic." I told her to change her choice of wine.

[maggiethecat]

Jan:

My deepest sympathy to you. Reading your food memories of your father reminded me of what I consider to be one of the all-time greatest threads on eGullet --thank you ivan.

Check it out -- it might even provide some amusement and comfort. And for new posters here, we would love to hear your story. How we ate growing up

[goldie]

Jan-

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for the beautiful rememberance of your father. You are in my thoughts.

Goldie

[lesfen]

Very very sorry for your loss Jan... those late summer meals with your family can always be there as a special tribute to him.

My uncle passed 3 years ago (he was only 44... mesothelioma) and we celebrate his memory every year on December 30th. He was a NYE baby but we always celebrated his birthday a day early, as he never wanted to interfere with anyone's NYE plans. The meals vary, but they always include a jar of the hot peppers that he canned himself from his garden. Our supply is dwindling and we wonder aloud what we'll do when they're all gone. (We also wonder if they're still ok for us to be eating, but we do it anyway.) We also enjoy a few gin and tonics. He was a beer man, but on his birthday my mom always got him a bottle of Tanqueray.

We remember Uncle Tom all year long, but that day is still all his. Sometimes it helps to keep on celebrating their lives and the things that they loved.

[JanMcBaker]

Thank you all so much for your support and your stories. Reading them and thinking again about our family made me think of a question. Do you think that the people on eGullet are more inclined to use food as comfort? What I mean is, you know how some people just don't eat when they're stressed? Well, I'm FAR from one of those people! Do you think the members here are more like that too?

[srhcb]

Thank you all so much for your support and your stories.  Reading them and thinking again about our family made me think of a question.  Do you think that the people on eGullet are more inclined to use food as comfort?  What I mean is, you know how some people just don't eat when they're stressed?  Well, I'm FAR from one of those people! Do you think the members here are more like that too?

←

I don't necessarily feel like eating when I'm in an emotionally strained circumstance, but I generally find I relax by cooking, especially baking.

SB

[M.X.Hassett]

Thank you all so much for your support and your stories.  Reading them and thinking again about our family made me think of a question.  Do you think that the people on eGullet are more inclined to use food as comfort?  What I mean is, you know how some people just don't eat when they're stressed?  Well, I'm FAR from one of those people! Do you think the members here are more like that too?

←

I don't necessarily feel like eating when I'm in an emotionally strained circumstance, but I generally find I relax by cooking, especially baking.

SB

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Jan my deepest sympathies to you and your family, truly a touching post. I am in srhcb camp, I cook when I am stressed, coping with loss, dealing with a bad day etc. I save a lot of money compared to going to a therapist, on the other hand the food costs start going up .

I also end up freezing or refridge most of it. There is something about cooking that is just bliss for me.

[Kris]

Food plays a major role during a period of mourning or fear...My deepest condolences on the loss of your father.  He sounds like he was an amazing soul.

←

How true this is.

On August 14, 2005, my beloved grandmother died in her sleep at home with my parents who were caring for her in her final days.

I did nothing but stuff my face full of food during the bereavement period. My weight loss of 24 pounds was totally set back during this period (and even now, since I'm finding it difficult to get back on track).

My sincere condolences to you and your family. Just thank God for your wonderful memories of your Dad and the food that he lovingly provided as well as the meals you were able to share.

Edited September 30, 2005 by Kris (log)

[YoChefGregg]

Thank you for sharing your remembrances of your father with us.

I love your comment about the thin sliced scrapple.

Why did you always cut yours thin?

Because that’s how dad cut his.

May you find peace through your sadness.

[Ninjai Fanatic]

IRT #1

First of all, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences..

I was the favorite grandchild of my maternal grandmother. She suddenly died of a heart attack on January 2003- it had been 5-6 months since I last saw her... and well, she was a fantastic cook who not only was good at cooking but also loved feeding other people. We cook many dishes here that are "lola style". It never fails- food is probably one of the main ways we always remember her.

[MicBacchus]

My condolences as well. Tomorrow my dad will have been gone since 1993. It's possible that my granddaughter will be born tomorrow -- my daughter looks at it as the circle of life.

Looking thru the album, there's a picture of him and me standing beside his 9 foot tomato plants -- I kid you not!! He had a 6 foot square patch in the backyard where he grew the most amazing tomatoes year after year. Neither of my parents were great cooks but very simple ones. You never knew what would be in dad's scrambled eggs - worcestershire sauce, green olives, chopped sausage - it was like a challenge to him to come up with something new. He cooked breakfast on Sunday while Mom went to church, and she was always glad to be gone because of his 'inventiveness'. He loved food and would eat any seafood except for raw oysters. He tried to, sober and drunk, but just couldn't...! But he loved steamed crabs, being from Baltimore. I remember how my mom would fuss at him for eating what she thought was too much on holidays, but he was just enjoying her cooking, as he told her. When I hear the word 'martini', I think of how he'd have to have 3-4 olives in his. It's interesting how much food is intertwined in your memories of someone you love.

My son and his wife are also expecting any day and are naming their son after him. Hopefully this new addition will share in his grandfather's love of food.

[ruthcooks]

My condolences as well.  Tomorrow my dad will have been gone since 1993.  It's possible that my granddaughter will be born tomorrow -- my daughter looks at it as the circle of life. 

My son and his wife are also expecting any day and are naming their son after him.  Hopefully this new addition will share in his grandfather's love of food.

←

We have a circle of life in my family as well. My dad, a great food lover, died on December 15, 2000. The next year my son wanted to make December 15 his wedding day, and asked if anyone would be offended. The family agreed that it was a way to have something pleasant to remember on that day, and sort of a tribute to Dad. A year and two days after the wedding, my son's wife gave birth to a baby boy, who was given the middle name of my son's father (my ex), also deceased.

[K8memphis]

Jan, the holidays are so much more difficult that first year, like uncharted waters. Blessings to you and your family of comfort and peace and sweet reflection and all that you need. And to each of you who are suffering loss.

Pop will be gone 22 years tomorrow. 22 years. The sun never shined the same since. Pop made perfect peanut butter fudge, p-e-r-f-e-c-t. It just poured out of the pot like rich buttery droolicsious magic. Gheedunk & pokey bait, he'd say, Navy talk for ice cream & candy.

Mom, will be gone three years as of Thanksgiving week. Still processing that one. I can still smell the yeast rolls she made. She made us our pierogi's. Sweetly sweetly enough, my son chef-boy, formerly known as chef-wanna-be, asked her to dictate her pierogi recipes before she passed.

Mmmm...sweet memories...good thread