Seeking solace through culinary endeavors:

[Fynnicki]

I tend to seek solace through food and cooking - but not immediately after an upsetting event. If I'm less than a few days removed from the event, I probably don't have much of an appetite, and this is one of the few times in my life when food seem empty and meaningless. If I have people around me to share my grief, disappointment, frustration, etc., I can usually be persuaded to enjoy food a bit sooner.

Within a few days, whether alone in my emotions or not, I do seek out food as a source of comfort. Sometimes I will cook - usually something I can share with others, such as a large casserole or batch of cookies. If I'm not dealing well with being at home, and want to be pampered, I'll likely head to a restaurant for a favorite meal, something hearty and nourishing, nothing too exotic.

My favorite comfort foods are matzo ball soup - homemade - and pasta dishes, either with a hearty bolognese sauce or a mushroom sauce. And homemade chocolate chip cookies, with plenty of walnuts, are the perfect finishing touch to a comforting meal.

[andiesenji]

I certainly use food preparation, deciding on what to fix, then gathering the ingredients and the equipment, then working my way through a recipe to take my mind off unpleasant events. Yesterday, a case in point, I was feeling rather cranky much of the day and by the time I got home was in a deep funk, not in much of a mood for being sociable.

I shut my computer down early and began working on things that need to be prepped for my holiday baking, in addition to what I have already prepared.

I just received a box of almonds from a local grower so put a big kettle on and blanched and skinned about 10 pounds then transferred them to the dehydrator to dry out.

Some went straight into a light syrup for further cooking and tonight they will begin the process of being turned into marzipan. (My own method, different from the usual.)

The newest batch of ginger that has been cooking in the syrup since Sunday, was drained and went into another dehydrator after I removed the raisins that have been in it since Saturday.

My housekeeper helped me move some of the heavier items onto carts so I can move them around easily when she isn't available.

I measured out the dry ingredients for several batches of cookies, packaging them in ziploc bags and arranging each batch on its own tray or in a bus tub along with the recipe and list of equipment needed or in cases where a particular gadget, such a certain cutter is needed just for that cookie, that also went into the tub. (Linzer cookies have a special cutter.)

By that time I was tired, showered and went straight to sleep and slept well. Feel a bit better this morning.

[Mabelline]

The comfort of others is a very powerful tonic to heartpain, as well. Carolyn Tillie's post about she and her sisters cooking together after her mother passed touched my soul, for that is a family way of managing life. As well as snowangel's tale.

While I was in hospital recently, a great-auntie of my gram's direct line passed at 103 years in Ashland, by St. Labre. I could not go. You know how your dog looks when you leave them home? I was shattered that day, for there were over 75 relatives I never got to meet there.

[Gifted Gourmet]

Thanks for sharing these emotions, this advice, as a way of making oneself feel better about a sad disappointment ... we can all derive strength from your wisdom, Andie!

[Devilkitty]

I know that whenever one of my periodic bouts of depression takes hold I tend to cook more elaborately - I fuss more with garnishes, prepare more complex sauces, knock out a rich soup on the weekend, and...

The Mrs eats - and takes "my" half for lunch the next day. Even if I cook something I really like, by the time I'm done all I want is a sandwich.

I can't say whether it makes me feel any better; it's more a distraction than anything else.

Edited November 4, 2004 by Devilkitty (log)

[Lexica]

For discrete or newly-developing traumas, cooking is comforting. Yesterday was a day for comfort food, with mac & cheese making up dinner. And as soon as I've caught up with the forums, I'm going to go bake cupcakes.

When dealing with long-term or ongoing sadness or difficulties, I cook less. One of the ways I know just how bad my last bout of depression was is how rarely I cooked! The idea of coming home from work and needing to come up with dinner was almost overwhelming. We ate a whole lot of burritos, pho, and take-out Thai food.

When I start feeling better, however, cooking helps me improve. Knowing that I'm feeding myself and my husband, and knowing that I can pull things together enough to do so, helps ward off the depressive thought pattern of "I can't do anything right - I can't even feed myself."

Edited November 4, 2004 by Lexica (log)

[jgm]

You got it right about cooking being a balm, snowangel ... that is what I was hoping to hear ...

never wanted anyone to feel "down" in any way and whatever you chose to share here was, of course, solely at your own discretion ..

my primary focus was to find out whether cooking has properties apart from merely celebratory events .. does cooking's power to heal and divert one's attention, make it something to utilize in "repairing psychic damage"?

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I find good food to be soul-nurturing as well as nourishing. It's a creative endeavor, and doing something creative always makes me feel better. Eating something good has immense power to soothe, and "something good" is usually the food that comes from my own hands and mind.

Yes, cooking helps, but it helps all the more if I'm cooking the comfort foods of my childhood. I don't get adventurous during the worst of it, but later, when I'm working through the grief, it does help to do something that is transporting, something that captures my imagination and diverts my attention.

[Chris Amirault]

This is a fascinating thread to which I've been trying to contribute since I first saw it, but it's been hard to figure out how to say what I'm thinking. Here goes.

First a key bit of background information: my only brother (two years younger) was schizophrenic, and after 15 years of very violent, troubling, and absolutely incomprehensible problems he killed himself. Over that same time (starting with my college years through 2001) I learned how to cook and eat well.

It took a while to figure it out, but I'm pretty sure that over those 15 years cooking provided me with a tremendously important way to organize, predict, and control a certain aspect of my experience (spending time feeding and eating with the other people -- roommates, partners, children, parents -- I love) when another aspect of my experience was violently disorganized, unpredictable, and out of control. I think that the knowledge that I can produce a wonderful experience for myself and the people I love while in the kitchen is not just pleasurable but titanically important for me.

Strange how pain can form you in such particular ways.... And wonderful to have a place where one can share such thoughts and feelings....

Edited to clarify some lousy verbiage -- CA

Edited November 4, 2004 by chrisamirault (log)

[reverendtmac]

Handling things through the kitchen is the wintertime method I use, now that I'm older. I want my knives in my hands; I want to do a lot of chopping, a lot of meez. It's comforting to me because my hands are occupied with something that, if I stop paying attention, can make me bleed. It demands my attention, and that means I have to put whatever's eating at me on the back burner for a while. I make a lot of Cajun food when I'm feeling like that.

(Summertime has always been "hit range balls until hands bleed while smoking a pack of Marly Reds", and apart from the smoking, I don't see that changing. Same potential for distraction, and usually there's less blood.)

[Carrot Top]

Every once in a while in this life, we experience some sort of pain and sadness ... from any number of issues, which I need not elaborate upon here ...

My question to you is: how does the simple act of cooking, either for yourself or others, help to dissipate your sadness and grief?

Does it restore, revive your flagging spirits?

Renew your energy?

Focus your mind outward?

Does it revitalize and refresh your soul?

Does the mere act of creating something anew make your spirits soar?

Is there any one dish which you turn to to alleviate that feeling of despair?

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I haven't wanted to respond to this thread, (because who wants to sound depressing about depressing things, you know... ) but anyway I guess I will just for the sole purpose of stopping thinking about it...

'Does the simple act of cooking....help to dissipate sadness and grief'...to my mind, there are some sadnesses or griefs that not much can dissipate...they are serious and deep griefs to which there is no realistic solution to hold onto in any way. If a person's life path steers them clear of these sorts of griefs...then they are simply blessed...though surely there will be other sorts of grief. But some people's life paths hold these griefs, and it is something they bear and live with. It is almost...insulting to the person's soul and spirit....to think that anything could allieviate the pain or despair. It simply is lived with and put on the back burner hopefully to be forgotten in day to day life.

With lesser sadnesses and griefs, yes, of course cooking can do all the good things you mentioned above.

In many of the previous posts, people mentioned cooking for others in their times of sadness. This is love personified and made real, in something that can be held, tasted, seen, smelled....and remembered on the palate and in the heart. Gifts of food are gifts of sustenance.

It is harder...for one to be able to do this for themselves...if there is nobody around that knows them well enough to do it for them. But even then...the simple reality of seeing food...a bright red shining pepper turned on its side...a floppy bunch of celery staunch and aromatic at the market....a popcorn machine flipping out hot white kernels of puffy sweet saltiness....even seeing food can improve the mood of someone that is unhappy. You don't have to do a thing...the food is just there, gently smiling in its own way...in a welcome to join in life.

What caught my real interest in thinking about this, was in thinking of what foods I would cook, to raise the dead...to lift a seriously depressed person out of the doldrums.

First I would saute some onions slowly in butter. No garlic, that would be too bold, to insinuating, too pushy. Then the best most aromatic coffee available...would be put on to fill the house with its demanding warm aroma.

Bacon? No...somehow it is too rude. Cinnamon buns...made with fresh yeast, allowed to rise twice at least...the yeasty buttery bright cinnamon scent tattooing a demand to rise and eat. None of this need be eaten. It is only for the scents....

Later, sweet hot mint tea. One fresh perfect fig.

Then finally, even later.... the most intense, rich, pure, jelly jiggling cup of chicken broth imaginable.

I can not imagine, that anyone capable of rising from pain would not be risen by these gentle teasing things.

What would you make?

[Gifted Gourmet]

What caught my real interest in thinking about this, was in thinking of what foods I would cook, to raise the dead...to lift a seriously depressed person out of the doldrums.

←

First answer: talk therapy combined with proper medications might be able to lift "seriously depressed" individuals ... and I did not mean to imply that cooking, in and of itself, was the "magic bullet" to defeat sad, even traumatic, events ... it is, of course, something some people resort to which will help them in resolving (temporarily) their own unique "needs" ...

As for what I would make (and I know I have said this in my initial post here because it sounds familiar: "Is there any one dish which you turn to to alleviate that feeling of despair?"), the answer is first, last, and always, chicken soup with matzoh balls ... classic Jewish mother anti-depressant used long, long before current psychotropic drugs cheaper with fewer side effects as well ...

[Marlene]

"Is there any one dish which you turn to to alleviate that feeling of despair?"),

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Mashed potatoes. Always.

[Gifted Gourmet]

"Is there any one dish which you turn to to alleviate that feeling of despair?"),

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Mashed potatoes. Always.

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from scratch .. real butter, real cream, and best available Idaho spuds .. and, yes, Marlene, always!

[intraining]

July 7th, 1993, (day before my birthday)

same b'day as me

[Gifted Gourmet]

July 7th, 1993, (day before my birthday)

same b'day as me

←

and now back to our topic at hand ... cooking as solace ...

[intraining]

you'll be even more in your other post

i was nervous in my response to this thread but relieved to find a lot of the sime kind of answers.

thinking about it a little more in depth, during times as said, eating just seems to be a means to an end, but suddenly at some point, you get that spark back and you have a little more insight into your cooking. it's less hectic but surprisingly tasty, especially when re-writing the same old-same old. it's almost like a divine intervention telling you, "hey, that feeling was gut instinct, go with it!!". i remember this to be true on more than one occasion, and it's a wonderful thing.

[Behemoth]

I cook when I'm happy, as a break from work. When I'm sad I barely feel like eating at all. I guess the silver lining is I won't be gaining that much weight this winter...

[andiesenji]

My friend Annette, half my age, is a breast cancer survivor. She didn't feel capable of going back to her high energy, high stress job and returned to school and got her degree as a counselor.

She has, with mine and other's help, remodeled and redecorated her kitchen in the pink and white, pink and black "vintage" colors as well as vintage appliances appropriate to the age of the house which was built in 1949.

She wanted it in the "color of hope" as she is now hosting meetings in her kitchen for other women going through similar situations as an adjunct to her regular counseling as well as for women under the care of other counselors and others who are introduced by others in the group.

Annette wanted to learn to bake things to serve at her meetings and I helped her with the basics, what equipment to buy, what supplies she would need, etc.

Since last April when she began holding these meetings, twice a week, several of the women, many who were also professional or business women who never "had time" to do any more than basic cooking, have become interested in baking or cooking more interesting things. At least two have visited eG for ideas.

I was a guest at one of their meetings and I was amazed at how vital and happy these women are. With few exceptions, they are discussing their plans for the future as well as discussing recipes, kitchen makeovers and entertaining others. This is in stark contrast to their first few meetings when they seemed to think that they had no future and there was no point in making plans.

Just something as simple as this can make a difference. Cheerful surroundings, companions with positive attitudes and developing an interest in something as mundane as baking, can draw a person out of themselves and away from too much introspection.

I asked Annette if it was okay to mention this on eG and she said it was fine and she may look in and may even become a member. She is rather busy and has some reservations because from the times she has visited, she thinks it might be very easy to get "hooked" on eG, however I assured her that it is a very manageable habit and a very enjoyable one.

Edited November 5, 2004 by andiesenji (log)

[lovebenton0]

You got it right about cooking being a balm, snowangel ... that is what I was hoping to hear ...

never wanted anyone to feel "down" in any way and whatever you chose to share here was, of course, solely at your own discretion ..

my primary focus was to find out whether cooking has properties apart from merely celebratory events .. does cooking's power to heal and divert one's attention, make it something to utilize in "repairing psychic damage"?

←

I love to cook. But cooking through grief and pain, through loss, is as snowangel put it so exactly right "a balm." It is the ticket to my "place" of solace, of energy focused outward, of yes, fuel for body and soul, and yes, exercise for my mind. I may not want to eat, but I need to cook.

When I lost my father, I cooked, once home from the hospital and the sadly afters. I cooked like we were expecting a houseful of people which was not the case at our house but I needed to let go and and I went to my "place."

I found out I lost my grandmother when out of state at in-laws house. My SIL and I spent all that night long in the kitchen talking about our grandmothers, while she made ravioli, and I baked Italian bread. We drank coffee and ate cannoli, and cried. She had never met my grandmother but she knew what I needed -- to focus my energy on something I could share with with the family, to be free enough to live in her kitchen.

When I was told that yes, my hearing was permanently lost; I went deaf in one ear, oh so suddenly. It was Thanksgiving week and I had invited a few friends from grad school who would still be in town to come join me. When the "yes you are deaf" bell tolled they offered to take me out to dinner, or to come cook for me. But what I wanted and needed was to cook for them, to make something beautiful and good. To say to myself, I can do this. I am still me, different, not less, still me.

Many other changes came barreling down over the past several years, and through it all my kitchen was there. I drove my poor mom nuts when she came to take care of me after major cranial surgery, because as soon as I could I was in the kitchen, clutching onto the counters and stumbling around, but I was cooking. It was simple food, it was whatever I could manage. It was once again saying, yes I'm different now, but I'm still me, I still can find my place. I can stil do this thing I love.

[Chris Amirault]

What caught my real interest in thinking about this, was in thinking of what foods I would cook, to raise the dead...to lift a seriously depressed person out of the doldrums.

-- snip --

What would you make?

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A full-on gumbo.

[Jaymes]

And often, when faced with true tragedy in the life of a friend, we don't know what to say. We want to make it better, but know that although words cannot take the pain away, ill-chosen ones can definitely make it worse.

And so, we say nothing.

But showing up with a casserole, or stew, or plate of cookies expresses what we wish we could say, but cannot. I care. You're in my thoughts. And prayers. And heart. I love you. My friend.

Edited November 6, 2004 by Jaymes (log)

[Jake]

Jaymes, you say that so eloquently. I'm reading this as I make up a few things for a friend who just lost a family member. Exactly right.

Edited November 6, 2004 by Jake (log)

[andiesenji]

As Judith says, sometimes we need to do this even when very ill. It is a restoring activity and if we tire, we simply rest a bit then get right back to it.

A couple of years ago one of my then neighbors, (she has since moved to Taos, NM), began having fainting spells, collapsing without warning, etc., particularly dangerous in the kitchen.

She was diagnosed with myasthenia gravis and was told she would have to give up cooking and baking, an activity which she loved. She was very depressed until another neighbor, whose husband works at Edwards with the test pilots, mentioned that he had heard that the pressure suits such as the pilots wore, could be adapted for use by people with this condition, fitting from the toes up to the lower chest cage. It was a time-consuming and very expensive proposition but eventually she did get her "pop suit" and was so excited that she could stand for longer periods of time and didn't pass out without warning.

She went back to cooking and especially baking big time. She baked enormous batches of cookies, rolls, and other goodies, took them to the women's and children's shelter, the sernior citizen's center, the Chamber of Commerce, as well as all the neighbors and all of her friends.

It was a renewal and gave her a tremendous shot of energy.

She also joined a support group for the disease and at one of their conferences, met a very nice man whom she eventually married (she had been a widow for a number of years). He is an aspiring artist and lives near Taos so she sold her home and moved there.

[purplewiz]

What caught my real interest in thinking about this, was in thinking of what foods I would cook, to raise the dead...to lift a seriously depressed person out of the doldrums.

....

What would you make?

←

Finger food. There is something primally comforting about eating with your fingers, simple hand to mouth nourishment. It's getting back to basics, to something beneath the pain and sorrow and cares of today, back to when one of the first tasks we could accomplish was feeding ourselves. The food is comforting, the act is comforting.

Long ago, when I was in the middle of a long-term relationship disintegrating, I would end up at my best friend's house often, and she'd always put out things like cheese and crackers or pieces of fruit or chips...just the act of eating with her was comforting. I don't remember what all we ate, just that it was with our hands, and that she was there. I remembered this when she was going through tough times of her own, and made sure she had plenty of finger foods when she came over.

Marcia.

[lovebenton0]

What caught my real interest in thinking about this, was in thinking of what foods I would cook, to raise the dead...to lift a seriously depressed person out of the doldrums.

-- snip --

What would you make?

Warm and soothing, soft and easy, spoon food, maybe chicken and soft little dumplings with lots of good, rich and thick soup broth.

Or real tomato soup, aromatic with basil, served in a nice big rounded cup, comforting to hold in your hands. Fresh bread to tear off and butter.

Coffee, rich and sweet.

Cookies to nibble and to dunk.

A big soft cotton napkin.