Cooking and Food Fights with Home Partners

[Torrilin]

Huh, in my experience, baking projects are pretty easy to hand off. The main thing is you don't hand one off to someone who is convinced they can't bake, and you don't hand it off in an undefined state. "I've got chocolate chip cookie dough in the fridge, can you bake the cookies while I'm at work?" is good. Handing someone a bowl of pale yellow stuff and wandering off is not.

[Daddy-A]

I learned many moons ago that the relationship is more important than the meal.  The whole point of cooking together is to have fun and if you're not having fun, don't think those feelings will stay in the kitchen when the meals over.

Amen brother!

It took my wife and I a couple months to figure out how to cook together. Being the food-geek in the relationship, I'm usually the one who gets uptight about how the other has (or hasn't) done something. Like my dad used to say "If it's so damn important, then YOU do it!" My wife is an excellent cook, and a way better baker than I'll ever be. If I want her in the kitchen I just relax and let it happen.

Unless of course we're grillin' or smokin' ... then she stays the HELL out of my way!

A.

[Anna Friedman Herlihy]

The only cooking my husband and I do together is bbq/smoking/grilling. I prep, he mans the fire to my specifications, flips the meat, takes its temperature, etc. I could certainly man the fire, etc. myself (and I do sometimes, if he's busy), but he does these bbq tasks as good (if not better) than me, and this frees me up to tackle other tasks (or just sit there with a beer).

Otherwise, I won't let him help because inevitably it is not to my standards. That said, he does know his way around the kitchen, and every once in a while he surprises me with dinner or breakfast, which is a wonderful surprise, and having not cooked it myself, who am I to criticize the size of the julienne on the hash browns

My brother and I, however, have been cooking together for many years (since we were both kids). We are both fairly accomplished cooks with our various quirks. Often we will divide the dishes--so that each preps his own ingredients, and we basically just cook/bake side-by-side. That perhaps is the best arrangement. In my kitchen, I decide what (although he can suggest changes to the menu or offer constructive criticism) and vice-versa in his kitchen. In my mom's kitchen (or elsewhere), it's a compromise. For example, we were in Italy earlier this year in a rented house and made dinner; he cooked the pasta dish, I cooked the main course and sides, we consulted so the two would go together, and a happy meal for all.

I think it comes down to this: even if each considers the other's skills equal I think it works best to cook complimentary dishes alongside one another or swap meal duty, unless you feel really comfortable and confident in your partner's skills.

[sanrensho]

Huh, in my experience, baking projects are pretty easy to hand off.

Every household is different, and in mine, there is often a window of a few minutes that makes the difference between ideal and under/overdone for many baked goods.

So I know by now to do it myself, from start to finish. No way does anybody mess with my cakes, bread or tarts.

[shellfishfiend]

I love the fact that my husband can cook. I love it when he offers to help me. I usually don't take him up on that offer. The reason for this is that I am a control freak and we have almost zero counter space.

So, I usually open a beer for him and tell him to watch TV and relax. However, if I am slammed in the kitchen (or at least feel that way), he will gladly help and we will all stay happy if I bite my tonque and keep my mouth shut.

Now gumbo, that's all him. I prep and then get the hell out of the way. He even makes his own roux, and there is no way I'm going to stir for that long.

[Terrasanct]

Your boyfriend likes to cook? Will he clean up after? Leave him alone in the kitchen and let him cook--there is no one proper way. Just don't watch.

My husband literally does not know how to make a tuna sandwich. I did teach him to open a can of chili and heat it up. Count your blessings...

[feedmec00kies]

thanks for the suggestions and the anecdotes everyone i guess everyone has their own specific ways of dealing with it, but it clearly boils down to division of labor (in some respect).

we'll probably do separate nights or separate dishes (nights would work better for me, because it's much harder for me to let him do his thing if i'm involved in the kitchen; i know this from experience). i won't relegate him to clean-up, because he'd grow to resent that very quickly. he is interested in cooking (to answer your question, Terrasanct ...it's not just my desire to not have to do it all myself ). unfortunately, he hasn't done much regular cooking because he still has the mentality of "cooking is a lot of effort" that a lot of non-cooks have, and since he gets home at 7:30 and sometimes isn't hungry until 9 (because he drank beer when he got home), it doesn't seem reasonable for him to then go into the effort to chop and fry and such. i did buy him 2 cookbooks and he's made things from them and told me if he liked them or not, or that certain dishes look really tasty but he hasn't tried them, etc. he's a foodie-type, though he's more focused on beer (and i'm pretty general.. i also don't have the collector-type personality that aids him in his quest for beers).

torrilin: number 4 of your list is probably the biggest sticking point for me. our differences usually play out in the "vision" aspect. we usually disagree on what spices and ingredients will be good together, and i think a lot of it has to do with different styles that we grew up with. his mom is of the "steam and boil the veggies!" variety, and my mom (although prone to boil veggies from time to time, blech) did a lot more stir-frying (being asian). we seem to have similar tastes in food when we go out to eat, but i feel like his taste in home cooking is a little more... well, no offense to anyone, but a little more of what was associated as "american" (bring on the green bean casseroles!) in my family's household (my parents are both immigrants; my first in-person interaction with a green bean casserole was a few months ago). it kind of horrifies me at some level, because i know he has a developed palate. i think i'm going to have to start drinking in the kitchen to stop freaking out so much about vision

yeah, busboy... i know what you mean about cutting things. it's one of the things that actually drives me craziest of all. if i'm in a bad mood or don't control myself it'll make me completely flip out, and of course most people just don't seem to understand...

as for that times article.. i love that picture that goes along with it in the web edition. you can just see him criticize her chopping and grating with his eyes...

i have to admit, it's nice to hear about how other people deal with this (i actually looked for a preexisting topic, but i couldn't get the right kinds of words together to find it!)

[sanrensho]

^^^I think you'll find it will pay off down the road if your boyfriend can develop a few dishes or recipes that he "owns" or is good at. (In addition to ones you can have fun doing together, like making pot stickers or summer rolls, etc.) It could be something as simple as a chili or Bolognese sauce or even beans. Maybe a few beer-based dishes like braises, if he likes beer so much. Think of it as building a repertoire.

It may or may not ignite his cooking interest, but at least it will give you something to fall back on when you don't feel like commanding the kitchen.

However, dealing with big differences in taste/food preference is another matter entirely.

Edited August 1, 2007 by sanrensho (log)

[Margo]

Do you have to cook together? There are many options, obviously, about meal prep arrangements--all the responses so far have had at least one, sometimes more! Why do you want to cook together?

If your partner gets home at 7:30 and likes to chill until 9, it may be best if you just take on dinner, and let him participate at another time. Big cooking baking projects on weekends, brunch/breakfast, etc.

When I got married, I had been on my own for 5 years (we didn't live together, and I went away to grad school for two years before we finally got hitched). Plus, I was a vegetarian with what I considered adventurous tastes for heat and spices, and he was an Ohio-raised carnivore.

Since I was still in graduate school when we got married, and he was working full-time, it only made sense for me to cook dinner. I love to cook. I was home earlier and had a flexible schedule. (During the dissertation-writing process, lots of baking went on, too, but that's another story.) He happily did the dishes. (But I had to get over my anal-rententive expectation that they'd be done the same night. He preferred to do them in the morning--so I made a point not to go into the kitchen until they were done.) That's still basically the way it works.

But, he wasn't satisfied with a veggie diet, and I wasn't happy with him supplementing my dinners with take-out or tv-dinners. He wasn't happy just adding a side of meat to whatever I had planned. So I decided we could stop having that argument, and became an omnivore. I resented it for a while, sure, but I am so over that now.

Then, I had to learn to cook meat, and my husband stepped in to help me. Plus, by then we had a grill and he contributed to making dinner by cooking outside. And finally, by chance, I found the Cookbook That Changed My Life and Saved My Marriage: Chris Schlesinger and John Willoughby's Big Flavors of the Hot Sun. No kidding. It taught me to cook meat, opened my husband to more exotic flavors by way of salsas and rubs that could be applied lightly or liberally, and I literally cooked through it for about a year.

So, blah blah, TMI. But be open to changing roles, be flexible, and think about what it is you want to get out of this shared kitchen thing.

[hummingbirdkiss]

My youngest son and two daughters love to cook so they are great in the kitchen ..they are instinctual and naturals in there ...we may have fun arguments about what goes in the food but it is fun and I love cooking with them

m husband really does make perfect scrambled eggs ...

good thing I love eggs because if he has to cook that is what I eat!

aside from that he extremely literal so he is not about creating anything .we can not cook together because he has no idea how to move in a kitchen and will knock me over .....but he does to nice prep for me ..if I need help I will have him do that ..when I ask for 1/2 inch dice he gives me precise half inch dice!

my oldest son is the same way... one time I said "please cut this the size of your thumb" then I came back and he had literally cut a pile of thumb shaped veggies on the cutting board he was about to carve fingernails in them !!!

the plan with my husband is he goes in does his prep for me then picks his stuff up and leaves ..then I go in and cook ....

usually however I cook alone it is my scantuary and I love being in the kitchen!

I am actually a bit of a control freak

[Torrilin]

The tomatoes in the chicken soup thing really happened. I was sick, the family made chicken soup, and my brother put tomatoes in. I had a hissy fit and everyone was mad at me for a week. I *like* tomatoes, but too much umami when I'm nauseous is a Bad Thing... Being a brat about being nauseous is *also* a Bad Thing.

When I'm not a nauseous control freak, we negotiate . We do the stir fry one way on Monday, a different way on Tuesday and a third way on Wednesday. Same deal with other easily varied dishes. Usually, they're all tasty. Ok, the salmon fritatta with broccoli, onions and cheddar was *so* not tasty... but over a life of 30 years of mostly experimental cooking, I've just not run into many things that were just plain awful.

Casseroles btw can be very tasty and very useful. Feed the freezer! Most of them were originally made with bechamel or other cream sauces. Getting back to the tradition of butter, flour, cream and full fat milk, with a crispy bread crumb topping and you have something very tasty. No, it won't work so well if you're lactose intolerant, but lactose intolerance can happen to the nicest people. If your partner can't deal with something like that, he's not such a great choice.

Casseroles also don't have to be bland. There's a huge Italian-American tradition built around lasagne and other layered or stuffed noodle dishes. They've still got the soft/crunchy texture going on. They still make great freezer food. And they're very comforting. I hate being exhausted and needing to cook *now*.

[Kouign Aman]

Not letting me know there are extra people to be accounted for until after I've finished prepping, and am about to apply heat.

This weekend it was

me: "who gets cupcakes on a bday?"

he:"it can be just the class, or the whole school (40)".

me: "ok, I'm not doing 40, so how many in the class?"

he: "6".

I downsize a recipe and make batter for ~12 cupcakes (I got 11).

That should easily cover 1 teacher, 1 aide, 6 students and the principal.

As I'm putting it in the oven....

he: "But what about the teachers?"

me (steamed and stunned both): "How many f*ing teachers are there in this class?"

he: "Well, all the teachers in the school get a cupcake."

It was all I could do to put the pan in the oven and not throw it across the room.

[JAZ]

A recent article from the Wall Street Journal reminded me of this topic: Couples' Food Fights.

Ben Breeland slurps sauces, sucks on bones, smacks his lips and licks his fingers while eating. "You want to get the chipmunk effect," says the 48-year-old software consultant, of stuffing his cheeks full of peanuts, his favorite food.

Eating this way is a pleasure to him: He grew up with five siblings on a farm in South Carolina, where mealtimes were chaotic affairs and the sounds of loud eating were a sign of appreciation.

But how does his wife feel about it?

"I struggle to keep my nerves intact," says Jocelyn Breeland, 49, a communications and marketing director for a trade association that supports people with disabilities. "When he swallows, he makes a drain-flushing sound. And he can make grapes crunch."

Rereading this topic, I realize I've been pretty lucky. I mean, my first live-in boyfriend (whom I now cheerfully refer to as "my dickhead ex-fiance) and I had problems over cooking, but we had problems over everything. I guess it's fitting that my one and only published piece of fiction was about cooking and eating dinner with him. So maybe it was worth it.

[abooja]

I have a wonderful, sweet, adoring and attentive husband who gladly does the dishes each and every day, often pushing me aside when I offer to do them instead. He has not cooked one thing for himself for the 4+ years that we have been together (2-1/2 of them married). Like most of you, I am an obsessive, control-freakish cook/baker, so that works out quite well.

That said, he has lots of food dislikes, including entire categories of foods that he would be all too happy to eliminate forever more -- primarily, vegetables. He likes iceberg lettuce, carrots, peas, peas & carrots, carrots & peas, corn (now that he can eat it again), potatoes -- basically anything with next to no nutritional value, and containing lots of carbs. I have tricked him into eating raw spinach (he hates the texture of it cooked), telling him it was some sort of lettuce, and sweetening the pot with mandarin orange slices. When I finally got him to try roasted brussels sprouts, he confessed to thinking that they tasted like potatoes, then wondered why we didn't just eat potatoes. Whenever I offer him some extra vegetables, even those he can tolerate, he tells me, "Go ahead. You enjoy them". It's quite maddening.

He is also diabetic, which is even more of a problem since I love to bake so much. I feel very guilty about this, and so try to counteract dessert with something a bit more healthy. I'll also try to serve less pasta, and more protein or, gasp!, vegetables, and that never goes over well. He doesn't seem to understand the concept of carb control and moderation. He doesn't test his blood sugar nearly as often as he should, just guessing as to the amount of insulin he should be taking. I sometimes threaten to stop serving dessert altogether, but then I know he'll just pick up a box of Entenmann's or a quart of ice cream on the way home from work.

However, where dessert-deprivation threats fail, deal-making succeeds. I have gotten him to be a bit more receptive to different foods, including certain ethnic foods he would previously have never tolerated, as well as the occasional icky, green vegetable. We recently started working out together on a regular basis. The motivation behind this sudden open-mindedness? Let's just say that our "deal" is mutually beneficial.