Dinner parties gone bad

[Toasted]

You cooked the food, cleaned the house, bought wine and flowers and invited all your friends. But something went wrong, very wrong.

What happened: did the dog run into the dining room with a tampon hanging out of his mouth?

Did the conversation get a little too political resulting in one guest calling another the "C" word?

Did you burn the food or worse, give everyone food poisoning?

Did someone drink too much and get obnoxious?

All of the above has happened to me. Now it's your turn!

[nessa]

WOW. I sense details would be highly amusing, if you cared to share. I'll think, and see what I can come up with from my own personal horror story archive.

[rich]

The worst I remember is my stove breaking down the night before I was having 75 people over for my annual holiday party ( and I do all the cooking.)

I called the emergency number and the person asked if it was truly an emergency. When I explained, the repariman was there within two hours. It cost me $350, but I was saved from catastrophe.

[paul o' vendange]

13 years old. Catered party for 20. Multi-course meal. Fresh on the heels of Jacques Pepin's La Technique, a wunderkind in the making.

Dessert: Crepes Suzette. Boil the butter/grand marnier, pour entirely too much in to the chafing dish. Light. Explode. Forelocks and eyebrows have that certain roast-flesh bouquet. Panic, and reassure at the same time, "everything's fine, everyone," while I drip flaming butter across the host's table and floor.

Of course, this was preceded by, at 8, I think it was, a flaming broiler full of lamb chops, panic again, throw the flaming foil into the trash and splash it on the kitchen curtains...almost fry the kitchen, all before 10.

Cheers!

[Carolyn Tillie]

After I graduated with my MFA, I thought I would prepare a stupendous feast for those six or eight people that went above and beyond the call of duty in helping me out (one built all the pedestals for my art exhibit The Magickal Tools of the Kabbalah, another practically financed the installation, some pre-purchased the artworks, etc...

I planned a classic Beef Wellington, complete with pâté de foie gras (not the Americanized mushroom stuffing). Seared scallops with frizzled leeks and white truffles were the starter. There was a very elegant Austrian dessert of apricot jam-stuffed crepes baked in a custard. Lovely wines and expensive champagnes were ordered to be served.

And I got an allergy attack to end all allergy attacks. I woke up sneezing maniacally and it didn't stop. By the time dinner was served, my nose was bleeding from the rawness of so many tissues. I couldn't taste a thing. I was perfectly miserable and although everyone assured me that it all tasted wonderful (and I had to keep reassuring them that I was NOT contagious), the meal was a disaster for me. All I wanted to do was take enough meds to knock me out (which I did after the dishes were done).

I was fine the next day. Pisser.

[Toasted]

My daughter's two year birthday party. The first party that I ever did all the cooking by myself. I was so nervous I would have given Budda an anxiety attack. I got up at 4:30am to cook the food and clean the already clean house. I put out balloons, hung up streamers etc. ..... all the while stepping over our beloved cat who was sleeping on the deck. Hmmm, he's sleeping pretty soundly, I thought to myself and then continued with hanging up the pinata and stuffing the goody bags.

11am rolls around and kids and parents show up. I notice that some of the kids are playing with the cat on the deck- weird because he's always been so skittish around others....I decide to check on the cat, maybe he ate something bad and isn't feeling well? By now the kids are passing the cat from lap to lap and he's wearing a feather boa (one of the party favors) and is covered in glitter. I grab him and realize that he is stiff as a board- yup, dead! At this time I feel like I have two choices, mourn my dead cat and admit to the other parents at the party that their children were playing with something dead or sneak the body away and whip it into the field next to the house. I couldn't even think, I had made all this food, I felt bad about the cat but the cat ended up in the field. Everyone liked the food. I still feel a little bit guilty about the cat to this day.

[Carolyn Tillie]

My daughter's two year birthday party. The first party that I ever did all the cooking by myself. I was so nervous I would have given Budda an anxiety attack. I got up at 4:30am to cook the food and clean the already clean house. I put out balloons, hung up streamers etc. ..... all the while stepping over our beloved cat who was sleeping on the deck. Hmmm, he's sleeping pretty soundly, I thought to myself and then continued with hanging up the pinata and stuffing the goody bags.

11am rolls around and kids and parents show up. I notice that some of the kids are playing with the cat on the deck- weird because he's always been so skittish around others....I decide to check on the cat, maybe he ate something bad and isn't feeling well? By now the kids are passing the cat from lap to lap and he's wearing a feather boa (one of the party favors) and is covered in glitter. I grab him and realize that he is stiff as a board- yup, dead! At this time I feel like I have two choices, mourn my dead cat and admit to the other parents at the party that their children were playing with something dead or sneak the body away and whip it into the field next to the house. I couldn't even think, I had made all this food, I felt bad about the cat but the cat ended up in the field. Everyone liked the food. I still feel a little bit guilty about the cat to this day.

You win - hands down.

Condolences on your kitty, too...

[paul o' vendange]

You beat my clicking, Carolyn. If this were poker, I'd say "Fold." I'm sorry for your loss, as well.

Paul

[thursdaynext]

1. Earliest remembered disaster: I was preparing my first home-cooked dinner with parents of then-boyfriend. Assembled the roast, potatoes, etc. & got them into the oven. Later started to feed potato peels down the disposal & jammed the disposal, causing sink to overflow onto floor. During Laurel & Hardy attempts by all to fix & clean up the mess- turned roast into charcoal. Good thing everyone likes Chinese take-out.

2. Next remembered disaster: Invite several good friends over for first attempt at cajun food. Prepare red beans & rice, but neglect to taste-test. The results so incendiary that eye sockets start sweating and lips blister. Good thing everyone likes Chinese take-out.

3. Whoa! Toasted, Can't beat that story! Sorry about your pet cat, too.

[Toasted]

Thanks for all the condolences for my cat. He had lived a long life and was 17 when he died. I have wanted to tell that story for five years now just to get it off my chest. Whooo, I feel better now.

[docsconz]

I can't beat a dead cat, but I'll always remember my Christmas eve dinner for my family that was almost spoiled by having an open kitchen.

My main course was broiled lobster with tarragon butter. My lobsters were quite alive and needed to be dispatched. I had never previously dispatched lobsters for broiling before, although I had previously placed them in boiling water. I had read about pithing the lobsters to kill them, that is, placing the knife blade in the middle of the head behind the eyes. While it worked, I and the people watching me do this in the kitchen were not quite prepared for the continued neural activity that ensued. Unfortunately I wasn't quite quick enough with the rest of the butchering to minimize the impact. Needless to say that blunted the appetites of most (not me) watching. Actually, the lobsters turned out quite tasty

[misgabi]

When I lived in Port Moresby a friend visiting from Australia gave me a gift of two fondue sets (she figured I owned just about everything else for the kitchen). We planned a grand fondue night - we would have a cheese fondue with bread and veges for dipping, a meat fondue (dipped in hot oil) and after borrowing another two fondue sets two dessert fondues - a chocolate one and a caramel sauce one with fruit/marshmallows etc for dipping.

We all went waterskiing that day (drank champagne for lunch - quite alot of it) and returned happily to town. I got home, made the fondue sauces, chopped up some vege/fruit/meat) and started to feel queasy.

An hour or so later I am lying on the floor of my bathroom because it is the coolest place in the house and really close to the toilet so that I don't have to go far to be sick. First guest turns up, looks at me and phones the duty doctor who comes straight over and announces to the assorted guests that I have sunstroke. He tells me to try drinking water as often as possible and he will see how I am later (you would not voluntarily go to the hospital in Moresby - we were all medivaced out to Australia if we actually got sick so a wait and see policy was the usual one).

The guests shut the door of the bathroom (so as not to "disturb me") and proceeded to have a fondue party - they invited the doc to stay and set about making the most amazing mess I have ever seen in my life. There was cheese sauce on the windows!! Someone spilt the chocolate sauce into the cutlery drawer and they drank every drop of booze in the house - and as we got it at duty free prices that was no mean feat. Nobody cleaned up, the doc went home and forgot to check on me.

Feeling very sad and sorry for myself the next day I set about cleaning up the monster mess. Worst of all people rang all day and said it was the best time they had ever had at my place - and I wasn't even there

[lala]

"There was cheese sauce on the windows"!!!??? Now THAT'S a party!

I think the worst I've ever done was the roast goose at Christmas...stuffed with prunes and chestnuts. I tried one prune, and it had no pit, and I swear it said 'Pitted' on the bag. Well, they weren't. We wound up spitting prune pits at the table...not a dignified party...

My brother, however made a hash (so to speak) of a Thanksgiving dinner. He made the turkey. At the appointed time, it wasn't done, so he let it go another 15 minutes. Still not done. Another 15 minutes. Finally, he asks me (the pro chef) to have a look. Well, being a strong lad, he had Packed the stuffing in so very tightly that it was still ice cold in the center, 3 hours later! We ate the side dishes, and the turkey legs (he hadn't trussed, so they were done). My brother and I thought it was kind of funny, but his girlfriend was horrified at how casually we took the whole thing.

And my favorite. I made dinner for a friend who was going through a hard time. Comfort food: Roast Chicken, Spoon Bread, Asparagus. I had it timed so we'd be done with the salad just as the spoonbread was coming out of the oven. At the appointed time, she banged on the door, and as I opened it, she shot past me, throwing her purse and coat behind, as she raced into the bathroom. She (poor thing) proceeded to be violently ill for the next 12 hours with food poisoning from a catered lunch at her work. I picked at the dinner in the kitchen, but what I was, um, witnessing pretty much took my appetite away.

[Suzanne F]

Mine was an intimate dinner for two, pre-HWOE. We'll ignore the fact that I cooked enough for a dozen people, and all the food was WHITE (halibut baked in a cream sauce, boiled potatoes, I forget what else). What we cannot ignore was the fact that my guest was dreadfully allergic to cats, of which I had 2 or maybe 3 at the time. As you can imagine, the evening did not end as I'd hoped it would.

[Jake]

Recently my SO and I were having some of his family over for dinner. I had planned on chicken on the rotisserie on he grill and various veg. Well, I got home from shopping that afternoon and HRH had decided he wanted grilled corn too. Of course he neglected to mention that before the shopping. As parking can be difficult near the closest fruit/veg stand, he kindly offered to take the groceries in the house and then drive me over so I could just jump and run. Great. We're already running late! Off we went. Did I mention we have 3 large dogs?

Return home 10 minutes later. Said chicken is spread eagled on the dining room floor. Youngest dog (2 year old) takes one look at me and hides under the bed. Well, I inspected the chicken and only one wing and a bite out of one leg was missing. We washed it off, got it ready and put it on the bbq. I did, of course, make sure we carved in the kitchen that night!!! I did however, suggest to HRH that the next time he takes the groceries in he puts them in the fridge!

[marie-louise]

Right before guests coming over:

Caught rat in mousetrap. Rat running around kitchen with mousetrap on head; runs into crevice in between cabinet & dishwasher. With an amazing lack of common sense, I assure husband that there is enough slack in hot water line to simply pull the dishwasher out from under cabinet. I was wrong. Broke hot water line, flooding kithen w/ a slick of rat shit and boiling water. Rat is squeaking but not coming out. After running down to basement to shut off hot water valve, husband retrieves rat by attaching a mirror to a yardstick (think dental mirror) and sucking it out with a vacuum.

Dinner was served a little late, and our appetite was not all it could be. Since the cat brought that rat into our house & let it go, she was lucky she didn't end up in the same state as Toasted's. (GREAT story, BTW.)

[bleudauvergne]

I was an expat in Beijing. I'm at the table in the bar with a couple of friends, and we're talking about how Thanksgiving is coming up. We brainstorm a pot luck. A couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, I get calls from my friends, saying they'll be bringing such and such number of people. Pretty soon the number goes from 6 to 10 to 15 to 20. I'd started getting calls from people I didn't know, who knew people that I knew. Great! Add em to the list! My apartment is small. So I decide to ask at the bar, which runs a restaurant which is never occupied, if they can let me use their kitchen, and serve the wine at the meal, in their diningroom. They agree.

Everything's going great. I'm talking to the bartender one night, I'm having trouble finding a big turkey. He says no sweat, we'll get one. Day before Thanksgiving I go down to confirm the turkey. Yep, it's there. A big 25 pounder. Frozen solid. I call my mom and ask her what to do. She gives me instructions on rotating water bath, etc. I'm basically panicking. The owner then comes to me very upset. He's sorry, he's sorry. What has he done? He has put an ad in the paper advertising a real American Thanksgiving dinner at his restaurant. What are we going to do?

He did come through for me and got me 20 chickens, which we stuffed with cornbread stuffing and roasted in the pizza ovens. His kitchen staff did everything I said. The big mama turkey doesn't go in the oven until just before the guests start to arrive, with pies casseroles, etc. The owner of the restaurant has an observation deck set up for the Chinese people where they can order drinks and watch the meal.

There was a chicken and a bottle of wine on each table, and a buffet was set up with the pot luck offerings. People were all very happy. Students, families, tons of American people I never knew existed in Beijing. At the end of the night, after all of the dinner people were gone and everything was cleaned up, a group of stragglers came in and asked if the kitchen was still open. It was the owner of the Indian retaurant by Ri Tan park and 3 friends. I brought them this enormous stuffed turkey which had recently come out of the oven, and they devoured the entire turkey. I could not believe it. It started out as a disaster but got better.

all the food was WHITE (halibut baked in a cream sauce, boiled potatoes, I forget what else).

There was cheese sauce on the windows!!  Someone spilt the chocolate sauce into the cutlery drawer and they drank every drop of booze in the house -

Needless to say that blunted the appetites of most (not me) watching. Actually, the lobsters turned out quite tasty

jammed the disposal, causing sink to overflow onto floor. During Laurel & Hardy attempts by all to fix & clean up the mess- turned roast into charcoal.

all the while stepping over our beloved cat who was sleeping on the deck. Hmmm, he's sleeping pretty soundly, I thought to myself

I'm sorry about your kitty. I'm glad he lived a long life.

[balmagowry]

I was perfectly miserable and although everyone assured me that it all tasted wonderful (and I had to keep reassuring them that I was NOT contagious), the meal was a disaster for me. All I wanted to do was take enough meds to knock me out (which I did after the dishes were done).

Man, that's heroic fortitude. I don't think I could have held it together to do the dishes.

Hope there were a few leftovers you could eat the next day after things subsided....

[balmagowry]

I can't beat a dead cat,

Hmmmm... are we beating a dead horse here? Sorry - had to say that. Oh, Toasted, I feel for you - for the predicament as much as the cat, though at 17 that has to have been hard to take. In a way maybe it's good you had something to keep the adrenaline going at that moment. (Um... dare I ask... when you say "into the field" was that burial? or did you have to retrieve him afterward and deal with it then?)

My main course was broiled lobster with tarragon butter. My lobsters were quite alive and needed to be dispatched. I had never previously dispatched lobsters for broiling before, although I had previously placed them in boiling water. I had read about pithing the lobsters to kill them, that is, placing the knife blade in the middle of the head behind the eyes. While it worked, I and  the people watching me do this in the kitchen were not quite prepared for the continued neural activity that ensued. Unfortunately I wasn't quite quick enough with the rest of the butchering to minimize the impact.

FWIW, it wouldn't have made any difference. I've done that bit with lobsters, and I've followed up immediately by separating them into their component parts; and I'm here to tell ya, the neural activity just doesn't quit, no matter how dismembered the critters may be. I'll never forget those tails continuing to spasm into locomotion (or rather loco motion) a la caterpillar, the claws continuing to snap at nothing - for a good hour after they were severed from the thorax. Even after they went into the pan they were the Energizer Bunny of lobster tails: they kept going... and going... and going...!

EDIT to add: oh Bleu, thank you for pulling all the quotes I wanted to single out for various giggles! Only wanted to add re Suzanne's all-white dinner - Suzanne, how Norwegian of you! But... why no lutefisk?

Edited April 16, 2004 by balmagowry (log)

[wnissen]

We had an eventful Thanksgiving a couple of years ago. First time hosting in our house, and on Tuesday we realized that our tiny oven had only one rack, so we would be unable to warm all the planned dishes while the turkey is resting. Call the GE Parts and Service line, and pay for overnight shipping on a new oven rack, only $100(!). Person on the phone says they will try to get it out that day. 10AM the next morning, the oven rack is sitting on our doorstep, having traveled a distance of maybe 30 miles from the distribution center, which turns out to be just up the freeway. Phew. The day of, we have our minute-by-minute schedule, the allocation for each burner and each rack of the oven all mapped out. An hour before the turkey is supposed to be done, we put in the temperature probe, and it immediately reads 175F/80C. Shit! We finally decide to try again, and this time put it though the thick part of the breast, and it reads 120F/50C. Phew. Later, the bird is out, and we are putting the finishing touches on

everything, including the Martha Stewart potatoes. We bought a ricer, and my wife is using it for the first time. I think it was a combination of an overfilled ricer and inexperience, but my wife manages to use it like a spray gun and shoot little tiny driblets of mashed (sorry, riced) potato all over the counter, hand towels, window, etc. Just as everyone is about to sit down to dinner, her roar echoes through the house: "Fucking Martha Stewart!!!" It was all we could do not to pass out from laughter. Luckily the potatoes turn out fine (Phew) and we have a great Thanksgiving.

Walt

[bloviatrix]

Granted, this is lame compared to Toasted's cat (which is a totally classic story) but I'll try.....

We were hosting dinner for 8 friends. The food was good, the wine was flowing, and everyone was enjoying themselves, when who should decided to join in on the fun but the little gray mouse who had been living behind our stove and making my life hell. Fortunately, his appearance was brief and only those with a view into the kitchen caught a glimpse.

[Pan]

The guests shut the door of the bathroom (so as not to "disturb me") and proceeded to have a fondue party - they invited the doc to stay and set about making the most amazing mess I have ever seen in my life. There was cheese sauce on the windows!! Someone spilt the chocolate sauce into the cutlery drawer and they drank every drop of booze in the house - and as we got it at duty free prices that was no mean feat. Nobody cleaned up, the doc went home and forgot to check on me.

Feeling very sad and sorry for myself the next day I set about cleaning up the monster mess. Worst of all people rang all day and said it was the best time they had ever had at my place - and I wasn't even there

Are any of these people still friends, after that?!

[Squeat Mungry]

The guests shut the door of the bathroom (so as not to "disturb me") and proceeded to have a fondue party - they invited the doc to stay and set about making the most amazing mess I have ever seen in my life.  There was cheese sauce on the windows!!      Someone spilt the chocolate sauce into the cutlery drawer and they drank every drop of booze in the house - and as we got it at duty free prices that was no mean feat.  Nobody cleaned up, the doc went home and forgot to check on me.

Feeling very sad and sorry for myself the next day I set about cleaning up the monster mess.  Worst of all people rang all day and said it was the best time they had ever had at my place - and I wasn't even there 

Are any of these people still friends, after that?!

misgabi has some interesting friends. While she was foodblogging, she had some friends over for drinks before going out to dinner. They called the restaurant, cancelled the reservation and insisted misgabi cook dinner for them! Then they demanded dessert!! Then they threw her in the pool!!!

[Pan]

Yeah, I remember that, now that you mention it.

[clothier]

It wasn't my party, but it's funny none the less. My sister-in-law convinces my mother-in-law that the SIL is capable of doing Thanksgiving dinner.

She can't cook, has never made a turkey before, and in general, is a diasater in the kitchen.

As she is taking the turkey out of the oven, after having roasted it for about 10 hours, I notice the smell of melted plastic. Hmm.

She has not removed the plastic piece that holds the legs together. It has melted.

No biggie, right, we can still eat what's left, right?

Nope.

She also left the bag of giblets inside the bird as well. Right. The plastic bag.

She has aslo burned the green bean cassarole. Made mac and cheese out of the blue box, and baked it, hence rendering it even more un-edible. The stuffing?

Stovetop. The dessert? Courtesy of mrs Smith.

No animals died, but we left hungry.