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maggiethecat

Entries: Round Nineteen

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Let the games begin with a virtuosic exhibition game on opening night, a simple but elegant demonstration of team interaction (not inappropriate to said tennis court, perhaps): Coordinated Crepe-Flipping. Team colors: red and yellow, of course - NB dissenting water-carriers and batter-pourers may choose the alternate scheme of blue on blue, as long as their uniform features fewer buttons than that of the pan-wielders. Matching shoes may be selected from among those listed on the Food Formulation Footwear thread. Equipment to be supplied by Our Sponsor, the Anything-But-Calphalon-One thread. Since this is not a competitive sport as such but a choreographed exhibition, it will not be subject to the usual scoring and medaling system; awards for the entire flippin' team will instead be selected (tell me what you eat and I will tell you whom to bribe) from the Sex and Food thread or, in the case of British team members ("No Sex Please"), the Filled Roll thread.

(Anthem... er, can I get back to you on that? The resident composer seems to be somewhat indisposed at the moment - I don't know what's under the table that's so fascinating, but that's where he's been since dinner.)

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I'm thinking we should organize a septathalon of equally disparate activities that isn't a guaranteed win for the former KGB agents.

1) Synchronized Spatchcocking

2) Chef's Knife Mumbleypeg

3) Advanced Garnishing - extra points for degreee of difficulty and artistic expression

4) Individual Rhythmic Hacky Sack played with various fruits, vegetables and small game birds. Extra points for creative use of the ribbon while keeping the food items constantly aloft.

5) Frozen Trussed Chicken Water Polo (full contact protective gear required)

6) Ice Sculpting

7) Short track tray service. Must get around the track with a full banquet tray of entrees, soup ( no spilling), and overfilled champagne flutes. One can specialize in any of the given events, although there should be an all-around champion named as well.

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Barbecue Sextathalon (don't get your hopes up by the name, the pig will be safe)

Opening with hickory splitting, to be judged on speed and lack of missing extremities (unless said extremities were missing at the start of the competition).

Fire-building and maintenance (judged on speed of preparation and maintenance of proper coals)

Pork preparation (proper cleaning and seasoning of the following a) pork butt, b) pork ribs, c) whole hog) (judged on by a tripartite panel of individuals from East and West NC and TN. Artistic expression in proper selection of attire for hog).

Pork cooking (proper coordination of team to turn and adjust porcine products)

Presentation (garnishes are interesting, relevant if made of pork, but wholly unnecessary)

Taste (I'm happy to handle the judging for this event)

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1. Clam Hockey

2. Knife Juggling

3. Toaster Diving: Competitors race to fish out a piece of toast that has become lodged in a toaster. Electrocution results in disqualification.

4. Sugar Cane Javelin Toss

5. Pancake Discuss Throw

6. Melon Shot Put

7. Long Distance Continous Peeling

8. Synchronized Chopping

9. Speed Slicing

10. High Peak: Competitors must whisk egg whites to create the tallest stiffest peaks.

11. Giant Fillet: Competitors fillet tuna to produce an even, level piece.

12. Intern Slalom: lol.

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The anthem is easy:

"Food, Glorious Food!" from the musical "Oliver!" :wink:

Food, glorious food!

We're anxious to try it.

Three banquets a day --

Our favourite diet!

edited to add:

How about a Bourdain-athon : eGulletAthletes would be required to smoke a pack of unfiltered Camels and curse like a sailor while plating a 7-course meal. Extra points will be awarded for feigned sodomy of the other cooks.(See this thread).

Or the Le Petite Cabbage Chuck & Tuck : eGulletAthletes will be served a plate of buttery steamed Brussell Sprouts. The Gold Medal goes to the person who is able to clear their plates of the little cabbages. Techniques to accomplish this can inlcude eating them, hiding them on their person without the judges notcing or tossing them onto the plates of the other contestants, again, without the judges noticing.

Points will be deducted for trying to feed them to the eGullet dog under the table. :laugh:


Edited by Toliver (log)

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I have an anthem. No "sports," but then, how could I possibly improve upon the one that involves firing a rifle while skiing down a mountain??? Did Pennymoney make that one up so Bond could get a gold medal?

Here goes.

Battle Hymn of the Caloric

Our guts are filled with gravy

That I made with wine and cream.

It covered the potatoes

So they could not be seen.

The mounds of pork that we consumed

Made us Wilbur’s worst bad dream.

I think if I don’t burp soon

I will have to flee the scene.

Eek! – Des-sert is coming out!

Ah, the burp’s released

I’m feeling good,

I’m ready for some pie.

If I have a piece or two

It’s unlikely that I’ll die.

Dear God! -- these pants-are-tight!

There’s concern around the table

Though I cooked them this fine meal.

High-carb it was

And high-fat, too.

Eat with me and that’s the deal.

If you want a naked chicken breast

Go ahead and be my guest.

There’s the kitchen stove,

Good luck and do your best.

Right now I-need-a-rest!

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Does it have to be an Olympic event? Personally, I'd like to see a Fat Guy Invitational. I'm not even sure what the events would be. It just resonates, you know?

"Fat Guy Invitational". George Hamilton can just get bent.

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Personally, I'd like to see a Fat Guy Invitational. I'm not even sure what the events would be. It just resonates, you know?

I'm resonating like a men and boy's choir in Durham Cathedral, or a single voice in a tiled locker room. Fat Guy Invitational; Love it!

Gimme an event.

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Fat Guy Invitational

Instead of mere arm wrestling, Fat Guy offers this: Leg Wrestling. Not his leg or yours: contestants are invited to choose the animal whose leg will be both weapon and dinner. Does a turkey leg strike your fancy? Will using a lamb club ultimately tenderize the meat for cooking?

Stayed tuned.

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The Fat Guy Invitational

Think of it as a hybrid of Iron Chef and sumo wrestling. Fellas with an elevated heft factor, dressed only in black, erm, "basket sashes", have one hour to come up with a 5-course meal featuring the following ingredients:

– Bacon

– Durian

– Andouillete

– Pig's trotters

– Sake

– NYC tap water

– Lard

The field of play is a multiple-kitchens-in-the-round arrangement. Competitors will be disqualified if another big fella manages to muscle them out of the kitchen.

Top prize is a book contract.

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I'm calling time on this Smackdown at midnight tonight, in a time zone of your choice.

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maggiethecat

Thanx for hosting the smackdown forum. Love reading them. But I need your help. Where can I the list of winners (especially round 19, since I made an entry). I am a mac-fly. Thanx in advance.

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maggiethecat

Thanx for hosting the smackdown forum. Love reading them. But I need your help. Where can I the list of winners (especially round 19, since I made an entry). I am a mac-fly. Thanx in advance.

So you don't know! Looky here:

Round 19 Winners

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maggiethecat

Thanx for hosting the smackdown forum. Love reading them. But I need your help. Where can I the list of winners (especially round 19, since I made an entry). I am a mac-fly. Thanx in advance.

So you don't know! Looky here:

Round 19 Winners

So, um... was first place on this one ever announced?

I'll shut up and crawl back under the table now.

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Third place: Monday

Second place: Wednesday

First place: Friday

Prizes are usually awarded on alternate weeks, so the winners for Smackdown 20 will probably be announced May 3, 5 and 7.

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maggiethecat

Thanx for hosting the smackdown forum. Love reading them. But I need your help. Where can I the list of winners (especially round 19, since I made an entry). I am a mac-fly. Thanx in advance.

So you don't know! Looky here:

Round 19 Winners

YAY! A Golden Gully just for me! I'm so honored.

I'd like to thank the Academy, and let my esteemed colleagues know it was humbling just to be included with them... :rolleyes:

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Thanx for sharing the linkage. Who would have thought that I could get to this link from the front home page, lol. It has been a while since I perused the home page. Now I have something to do at work. Your tax dollars at work, lol.

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