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Bacon Aphorisms


Fat Guy

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I'm not young enough to know everything about bacon.

- J. M. Barrie

Bacon rules the world

- Napoleon Bonaparte

 

“Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'

Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.”

– From Fox TV’s “Family Guy”

 

Tim Oliver

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This is an honest-to-God family anecdote about bacon.

My aunt married quite young, and returned home the next morning to visit her mama and daddy. Memaw asked, "Honey, what did you make him for breakfast?"

She said, "Well, I wanted to make him bacon and eggs, but I didn't have any grease to fry the bacon in."

And this from a Georgia girl!

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I never met a bacon I didn't like.

Small Minds discuss people,

Average Minds discuss events,

Great minds discuss bacon.

Life is uncertain, eat bacon first.

If it ain't bacon, don't fix it. :raz:

"Never eat more than you can lift" -- Miss Piggy

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They can have my bacon when they can pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

=Mark

Give a man a fish, he eats for a Day.

Teach a man to fish, he eats for Life.

Teach a man to sell fish, he eats Steak

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He doth bestride the world like a bacon.

And my grandfather's favorite:

(ahem)

If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.

You all do know this bacon: I remember

The first time ever Caesar put it on his plate;

'Twas on a summer's evening, in his tent,

That day he visited the artisanal smokehouse:

Look, in this place ran Cassius' teeth through:

See what a bite the envious Casca took:

And here the well-beloved Brutus nibbled;

And as he pluck'd his cursed teeth away,

Mark how the bacon of Caesar follow'd it,

As rushing out of doors, to be resolved

If Brutus so unkindly snacked, or no;

For bacon, as you know, was Caesar's favorite.

--

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I believe in the foie, the coq, the piggy;

The smell of a roasting rack, the hanging primal;

Madder mussels, stronger wine;

That the cookbooks of erstwhile celebrities are

as sorry as the scum from an unskimmed stock.

I believe that crab is best served solo.

I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment

outlawing wet aging and pasteurized-milk soft cheeses.

I believe in sweetmeats, food-based pornography,

reading my cookbooks like novels, not like tax returns

And I believe in long, slow, thick, crisp, dry-cured bacon that's smoked for three days.

With apologies to Ron Shelton (and thanks to Maggie for editing and literary research).

Dave Scantland
Executive director
dscantland@eGstaff.org
eG Ethics signatory

Eat more chicken skin.

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Care to try your hand at doctoring quotes from Footloose?

Seems that a bunch of kids was raising some hell over at Burlington Cranton's property a few days back. Tore up the fields, turned over a tractor and everything. Today someone suggested to me there's been some trouble up at the high school. I think it was bacon.

Dave Scantland
Executive director
dscantland@eGstaff.org
eG Ethics signatory

Eat more chicken skin.

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:biggrin:

"We have learned with some pains, that bacon is not only compatible with civilization, but is absolutely essential to its highest development."

(Aldo Leopold, in 1918)

:biggrin:

Me, I vote for the joyride every time.

-- 2/19/2004

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Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine it from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison onto his own bacon or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison onto his own bacon because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the bacon in front of you...But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the bacon in front of me.

Man in black: You've made your decision then?

Vizzini: Not remotely! Because bacon comes from smokehouses. As everyone knows, smokehouses are entirely staffed by criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So, I can clearly not choose the bacon in front of you.

Man in black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini: Wait 'till I get going!! ...where was I?

Man in black: Smokehouses.

Vizzini: Yes! Smokehouses! And you must have suspected I would have known the bacon's origin, so I can clearly not choose the bacon in front of me.

Man in black: You're just stalling now.

Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you! You've eaten my ham, which means you're exceptionally hungry... so you could have put the bacon on your own plate trusting on your stomach to save you, so I can clearly not choose the bacon in front of you. But, you've also cooked up a crown roast of pork perfectly, which means you must have been trained... and in training you must have learned that bacon is full of nitrites so you would have put the bacon as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the bacon in front of me!

Man in black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.

Vizzini: It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the bacon is!

Man in black: Then make your choice.

Vizzini: I will, and I choose...[pointing behind the man in black] What in the world can that be?

Man in black: [turning around, while Vizzini switches plates] What?! Where?! I don't see anything.

Vizzini: Oh, well, I...I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [Vizzini laughs]

Man in black: What's so funny?

Vizzini: I...I'll tell you in a minute. First, lets eat, me from my plate and you from yours.

[They both drink]

Man in black: You guessed wrong.

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched bacons when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool!! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia; and only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Sicilian, when bacon is on the line! A-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha! A-ha-h- [dies]

--

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MAN, you have a lot of time on your hands.

Oh yea... it took me such a long time to copy the text from here, paste it in and change a few words to "bacon." :rolleyes:

Thereby inventing the pleasurable notion of liquid bacon:

Vizzini: I...I'll tell you in a minute. First, lets eat, me from my plate and you from yours.

[They both drink]

Dave Scantland
Executive director
dscantland@eGstaff.org
eG Ethics signatory

Eat more chicken skin.

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Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone)] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were merry, but then, then the cafeteria switched from regular to Canadian bacon, but I kept my a stash of Oscar Meyer because it didn't bind me up as much, and I kept an electric skillet for the bacon and its not okay because if they take my bacon then I'll set the building on fire.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peggy: Now Milton, don't be greedy, lets pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece of bacon.

Milton Waddams: yea but last time I didn't receive a piece.

Peggy: Just pass.

[the bacon passes and everybody but Milton gets a piece]

Milton Waddams: [whispering] I could set the building on fire.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill Lumbergh: Milt, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?

Milton Waddams: Excuse me, I believe you have my bacon...

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Directly from the Simpsons:

  • Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
    Lisa: No.
    Homer: Ham?
    Lisa: No!
    Homer: Pork chops?
    Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
    Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

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