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maggiethecat

Entries: Seeking Professional Help

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Paralegal dinner-party-planning strategy sheet

- Avoid all contact with attorneys for first 8 hours of day. Perform OG, Professional Reading, Research, and Preparation of Diaries until enough hours have been billed for the day such that overtime billing kicks in.

- Solicit project instructions from multiple attorneys. Carefully analyze potential contradictions among the various attorneys' instructions and use these potential contradictions as justification for doing nothing. When asked why you've done nothing, say, "Because you said to do X and he said to do Y, so I didn't know what to do." When asked why you didn't ask, say, "I didn't know who to ask."

- Wait until cafeteria closes, then order dinner out on one of the firm's accounts. Order enough to feed yourself, plus enough to have leftovers sufficient to feed wife and four kids. Do this even though you live alone and will be throwing all the leftovers in the garbage.

- Have sex with a partner, or two, in the conference room.

- Requisition necessary office supplies, as well as unnecessary office supplies.

- Repeat above procedure until the weekend, when all time is overtime. Begin work on project in earnest. Allow at least 10 minutes for the actual planning of the dinner party.

- Chron and Bates-stamp all materials. Contact printer and arrange all-nighter at their facility. Create trial exhibits and enough copies for all members of the class.

- Engage in a turf battle with a Case Manager regarding storage of the materials.

- When project is nearly complete, take up vantage point in hallway outside lead attorney's office. When attorney steps out of office, call and leave voicemail message asking question about the project. Be sure to add, "I can't move forward until I get this question answered." DO NOT ANSWER YOUR PHONE when attorney returns call and leaves voicemail with instructions. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE VOICEMAIL. Deny that you received it. This routine will be good for at least an extra day of overtime.

- Upon completion of the project, be sure to call attention to the claim that you are the only paralegal in the firm who possibly could have handled it.

- Take two sick days.

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To: Miriam Firm, CEO, *****All Star***** Catering Consortium Inc.

From: Myron Fetch, Assistant Deputy Producer, Food Services, New Line Cinema Productions Inc.

Re: Proposed Menu, Wrap-Up Party, As-Yet Untitled Jack Nicholson Project

Dear Miriam,

Thank you for your extremely detailed proposal for the food and drink to be served at the wrap party next week for Mr. Nicholson's new motion picture. You will be pleased to hear that I had occasion to discuss it with my counterpart at Mirimax just the other day and he said, quote, "When it comes to food, Miriam Firm is NOT a piece of shit." High praise, I think you will agree, in our circles.

Let me say from the get go that I appreciate the constraints that you, and *****All Star***** Catering, are subject to, and I am very sensitive to your reputation in the industry. After all, what are any of us, Mr. Nicholson not excluded, if you take away our reputation?

Speaking of Mr. Nicholson (oh, what the hell, Miriam, since it's between friends let's refer to him as Jack) might I relay, with the greatest of respect and the utmost trepidation, Jack's very minor quibbles--I'd hardly even call them differences of opinion--with regard to your proposed menu.

Specifically, and I know you have your heart set on your very special take on chicken salad for a main, but Jack unfortunately has had a bad experience with this very early on his motion picture career. Would it be possible to arrange some suitable replacement?

While Jack wishes me to convey his heartfelt sympathy for your timing, scheduling and sourcing predictament, he asks that you take his personal preferences into consideration in your final decision.

You will appreciate that I am paraphrasing, but Jack said something about proposing a special toast to you.

Affectionately,

Myron

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Network Working Group

Request for Comments 7281

J. Perlow

Open Source Cybernetics, Inc.

Member, PGNTNIIDCS Consortium

July 2003

"Protocol for Gatherings of a Non-technical Nature Involving Imbibing of Deleterious and Caloric Substances"

Status of this Memo

This memo provides information for the Internet community, also referred to in this document as "Geeks", "Nerds" or "Maxi-zoom-dweebies". It does Not specify an Internet standard. Distribution of this memo is unlimited.

Abstract

Deployment of Protocol involving Gatherings of a Non-technical Nature Involving Imbibing of Deleterious Caloric substances benefit from following certain guidelines. This document defines a proposed methodology for implementation. Alignment to these guidelines is recommended for PGNTNIIDCS.

Introduction

As many of our number have problems interacting with members of the opposite sex in social gatherings involving food and drink, it has been determined that certain protocols must be established to facilitate members of our community to engage in copulatory interfaces. Here is a list of things that should be followed, particularly at parties at trade shows, industry functions and Christmas Parties.

1. Location

Locations should be picked out with extremely low lighting, in order to ensure that those of our number who have frightening birth defects or are grossly obese, do not scare away the chicks. Additionally, the gathering area in question should have a sufficiently loud sound system in order to minimalize the possibility that guys like Bruce Perens, Eric Raymond, Steve Ballmer, Larry Ellison and Scott Mcnealy can be heard easily, as they can be really nasty drunks.

2. Choice of Comestible Substances

Food should be chosen that requires the least amount of skill to eat, does not involve any heavy sauces and is least prone to amplify any existing bad cases of halitosis. Heavy garlic should be avoided. In addition we recommend that large quantities of Penguin Mints, deoderant and clean trade show tee shirts be made avaliable, in the event that some chicks might actually find us attractive and there is the need to look and smell presentable.

All recipes of canapes, appetizers and main dishes should also conform to the GPL V2.0 and source code should be made avalaible at the end

of each gathering. Other licenses for recipes such as BSD and Apache may be permitted, but Richard Stallman should be not allowed to attend such functions. The last Red Hat party at LinuxWorld 2002 resulted in a major brawl when CTO Micheal Tiemann refused to refer to the hour'derves as "GNU/CheesyPoofs".

3. Alcohol

While beer is clearly the deleterious substance of choice at such gatherings, and there are no specific guidelines as to what brands should be served, ample amounts of Everclear punch spiked with hallucinatory, mind altering substances such as Ruffinol should be made avaliable to members of the opposite sex. Please see SCO Inc's recipe for "Linux Punch", avaliable on the http://www.sco.com website by signing an NDA and agreeing to slaughter your first born child. The recipe can be also viewed on lines 75904-75929 of Linux Kernel 2.4.20, copyright Linus Torvalds, 1992.


Edited by Jason Perlow (log)

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Dinner Party Plotted at a Political PR Firm

OK. THis is the first fundraiser you've ever planned, right?

First, pull out that county map and check in what precinct the host’s house resides. Damn, the precinct committeeman there is a thorn in the side of one of our other candidates. Well, gotta invite him anyway; he bought a shitload of bumperstickers and yard signs from us last go ‘round. (Where did he get that kind of money? Let’s check that one out!) And he knows that we know about all those DUIs he’s racked up in the last two months. He’ll behave.

Remember Judge S. and all the times you had to bail him out of the drunk tank? Thank God no one ever found out about that!

(Short but lively discussion about why Alan Keyes was not a good choice as an after dinner speaker a few years ago. Even Republicans were stunned into silence, and their checkbooks stayed firmly in the pockets of their blazers.)

Fish as an entrée? Are you out of your mind? This is Illinois we’re talking here, not NoCal!

Well…maybe we could get the Capitol Steps?

No, Beef Wellington's for the Golden Giver's Circle, for God's sake!

Hey, how’s this? Candidate II’s son plays harp in the High School String Ensemble: Maybe we could get them to play? (Short discussion about the hazards of candidates who have artsy kids. Remember the one who mounted that conceptual art show with the three sets of naked female twins? How many of the girls were underage?)

Yeah, Judge S. helped us out Big Time with that one!

Remember, Kid, this is a hundred and fifty dollars a plate so we're not talking the A list here. Doesn't Candidate III's brother-in-law own a banquet hall or something? Give him a call and get a price; it never hurts to go after the Greek vote.

OK, OK. I know. But it'll be open bar! Who doesn't like half a chicken, green beans, potato wedges and iceberg salad with Thousand Island after three gin and tonics? Don't worry about dessert: ice cream and chocolate sauce in one of those little metal footed dishes is all anyone will expect.

Hell, you dont think he eats at these things, do you? He'd eaten so much chicken by the end of his first campaign for the State House that Tyson tripled their donations!


Edited by maggiethecat (log)

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