Chintamani

[Simon Majumdar]

When Jay was kind enough to take me and my estimable brother out to supper the other day at the Angel Mangal, the alternate choice was Chintamani. I can only say for Jay's sake, i am glad he made the choice he did or The Observer would be short a critic and, in years to come, a teenage child would not be able to poke fun at the threadbare Blue Harbour jeans of their father.

Let me get this out of the way. Chintamani is horrible. Not disappointing, not suffering from teething problems, but vile, disgusting and worthy of being shut down for its crimes against dining out.

This is the identikit restaurant from hell. It is my ex-wife, SARS and Manchester Utd rolled into one. It is the Jar Jar Binks of restaurants, you keep saying to yourself "what the hell were they thinking?"

The restaurant can't even be on the proper bit of Jermyn St, nestling as it does in the little bit that butts off the Haymarket. After walking up and down past Wiltons a couple of times ( how I wish we had gone there instead ) we finally crossed the road and found it.

At 7.30pm the place was empty but it fillled to close to capapcity ( about 120 covers ) by the time we left. We sat in the small bar area and had a perfectly agreeable glass of champagne and looked at the room. They have gone full pelt for the MOMO schtick with drapes, cushions and gorgeous staff, dark lighting etc etc, but somehow they seem to have got it all wrong. On the way to the bathroom I came across half a dozen statues that I am pretty sure were replicas of the Terracotta Warriors, er? And this seems to sum up the whole place

The menu is fairly long and interesting with a selection of mezze ( pretty pricy from £5-7.50 ) a selection of Lahmacun and pide ( c£5) and about 8 main courses ( ( hugely expensive at £18-22 a pop )

Pillow breads and olives were brought to the table. Neither were very good and we later found we had been charged £3 for them

We started with three mezze

Lamachun ( £5)- small ( and I mean small) discs with minced lamb on them. not disgusting but not much better

Crispy Pork Belly with dates(£6) - not crispy, not any good

Duck Borek(£5) - this was one of those dishes that will live in the memory for a long time but for all the wrong reasons. A horrible car crash of a dish. it was in effect duck mush spring roll in balsamic vinegar and every bit as nasty as that sounds. I feel sick writing about it

Our main courses were

Leg of lamb with honey dates(£18!!!) - two tiny peices of half decent slow cooked lamb with bad rice and gloop ( I have not a fricking clue what this was )

Harrissa infused Cod(£18) - grim cod with a bizarre red colour from the harissa but no discernable taste. Served with mash with whole lentils through it........

both were bad enough for me to consider going to slap the "chef"

to drink we had the aforementioned champagne, two glasses of chardonnay ( £3.50 ) and a decent bottle of Valdemore Rioja reserva 2000 (£26 ) the rest of the wine list was obscenely priced

I would talk about service but there wasn't any. Were were not served, we were processed. i have had better service at a Motorway service station. Good looking they may have been, anygood they were certainly not.

Bill including service £118 and I begrudge every sodding penny of it

So, two meals in the week, both awful, but this was worse than Benares, so much worse. It goes right up there in the pantheon of places that suck and is grappling with Gordon Ramsay's at Claridges as the worst rip off in London

1/10 - they had a guy who held the door open

Oh, and they had a very interesting take on the napkin test. The waiteress picked up my napkin from the floor, and placed it back on the lap of my date who already had one across her lap.

Edited May 23, 2003 by Simon Majumdar (log)

[Gary Marshall]

cracking review simon,

is this the place aa gill also 'enjoyed'?

gary

ps given the honourable mention, i suppose i'd better get my glowing claridges review written then......

[Adam Balic]

Love the napkin test result!

[Monica Bhide]

[peterpumkino]

Do you know Simon that when you're upset you write just like A.A. Gill - I mean that as a compliment even if you don't take it that way! Very amusing and spot on.

My question is this: how do these places survive. In Italy (always excluding tourist places) a bad restaurant would be out of business within two weeks.

[Simon Majumdar]

Do you know Simon that when you're upset you write just like A.A. Gill -

is there a shooting your self through the roof of the mouth emoticon?

S

[Lesley C]

"It is the Jar Jar Binks of restaurants." Hee hee, great line .

[Andy Lynes]

is this the place aa gill also 'enjoyed'?

I haven't seen his review and nothing came up when I searched Times Online. You're not thinking of Khew which he reviewed recently are you?

[Andy Lynes]

is this the place aa gill also 'enjoyed'?

I haven't seen his review and nothing came up when I searched Times Online. You're not thinking of Khew which he reviewed recently are you?

Ignore the above comment. Thanks to LML, I can confirm that it was indeed reviewed by Gill who also hated it. Having read his review I have to say that Peter's comment is chillingly accurate.

[peterpumkino]

Thanks Andy!

[Andy Lynes]

Now I'm really in trouble!

[circeplum]

i also loathed and abominated it - so we agree on something, simon ...

food disgusting - i had the cod with the eldritch, lentilly mash, too - and staff staggeringly inept. one waiter actually pushed me out of the way as i walked back to my table, while another took the order from the very close next table with his arse poised over my dinner.

awesomely bad, and like simon commented, full to capacity.

[Andy Lynes]

while another took the order from the very close next table with his arse poised over my dinner.

You should have stuck your fork in it. Might have been an improvement from what was on your plate from the sound of things.