Lunch today was one of the strangest I've ever had.
Back story: In the centre of the city, near my home, is a government owned 5-star hotel. It's not difficult to get 5 stars when the owners are the star issuing authority! The hotel has hosted almost every Chinese government leader except Mao and the current President, Xi Jingping (so far). I dislike the place and especially its "western restaurant" staffed by charming wait staff and chefs who've never eaten western food, but once saw a picture. They specialize in steaks, which they serve with a tiny scattering of parsley, shredded carrot and a flower, but no carbs. Order fries separately and they usually arrive ten minutes before your steak or ten minutes after. They also specialize in rip-off prices.
A few days ago, I had a call from a friend who explained that the hotel wanted to make an advertisement to be aired on in-flight videos to and from the city. For some reason, they decided that it would be good to have a foreigner in their movie.. As one of the very few western foreigners in town and the one who has been here by far the longest, I was volunteered. Again!
So I spent the morning pretending to be playing tennis, a game I haven't played since high school in the middle of last century and sucked at then. After that, at around 11 am headed to the "western restaurant" for lunch. While waiting for the various camera men, lighting people and the director to do what people like them do, I was beginning to get hungry. A bowl of soup turned up. Borscht. I will never understand why every Chinese "western restaurant" serves this. There is no beetroot here. Why choose to serve a dish you don't have the main, signature ingredient for? I know the answer. They only saw a picture and saw it was red! Tomato soup is Borscht!
I was instructed that I could eat this while they got ready. They weren't going to film me eating fake borscht. To accompany my soup they brought me a bowl of fruit salad slathered with Kewpie sweet mayonnaise. Of course.
I ate a little of the soup and ignored the salad as all sensible people would. Then my steak arrived.
Or did it? The waitress with my meal hovered in sight while, for a long time, the film crew fiddled with their dials before the director yelled the Chinese equivalent of "Action" . The young waitress placed the steak, which was served on a cutting board, in front of me. I smiled and said "Thank you!"
The director yelled "Cut!" and said "One more time". Waitress took away my untouched meal, they fiddled dials a bit more and we went for take two. And three. And four. And five. And six. All the while my steak was getting cold. Finally, director was satisfied and I was allowed to actually eat the damn thing that had been tantalizing me for so long. I'd quite lost my appetite.
The picture shows half my 'meal'. I wasn't about to waste more time taking a picture until I'd eaten some.
To be fair, they had obviously picked the best steak they could find (I didn't get to choose) and it had been cooked exactly as I had requested (I was allowed to do that) - medium rare. Unfortunately, unlike the poor waitress, it had been rested so long before I got my fork to my mouth that it was no longer as pink as when it left the kitchen. Residual heat. However it was tender and reasonably tasty.
Then I went home and had a huge cheese sandwich with lettuce and tomato. A CLT.
Look out for me at the next Oscars ceremony!
