Food and Coping with Death

[suzilightning]

5 hours ago, Darienne said:

We put one of the gift plates of sandwiches in the living room and one in the then sun-room.  However, no one was in the sun-room and one of our dogs decided that the plate of sandwiches had been left there specifically for her enjoyment, and she scarfed them down while no one was paying attention.  Quite a snack.

Smart dog......

 

[suzilightning]

3 minutes ago, heidih said:

When my mom passed way at 53 I cooked all the food for the gathering at the house. SHe was a good cook and baker so I honored her by making her specialties. It was  miserable time but the food that friends and family were familiar with opened the door to some great conversations about mom.

lasagna rolls which were my moms favorite that I made for the repast at the Legion Hall.........

[MetsFan5]

Thank you all for your condolences and condolences to those who are also coping with loss. Places like this, although virtual, are very comforting in a way perhaps because we are "virtual strangers" but share common yet deeply hard losses. 

  Ramen noodles are another go to food for me. Not even good ones. I think it's the MSG. Orzo with a little butter (or sometimes a lot!) is another quick and easy comfort food. My poor husband hasn't had a properly homemade meal in 2 months. Fortunately he is easily pleased with skillet meals, frozen chicken cordon bleus and the like. We are also fortunate to live in an area with a respectable array of restaurants that delivery (everything from Vietnamese to classic Italian). 

  I genuinely meant no disrespect in regards to using cottage cheese in lieu of ricotta- I just never liked cottage cheese- and living in Northern NJ there is plenty of ricotta easily and cheaply available. I've never even attempted a lasagna with a béchamel- I'm not a hugely experienced cook. My husband is great at grilling on the BGE but not only have I had oral surgery recently, even before that I find any meat that isn't something I can cut with a butter knife to be too much effort to eat and anything too chewy sticks in my throat. 

  Thank you for sharing your stories. You all are in my thoughts. 

[Tri2Cook]

People bring food because they want to help and don't really know how. At least, that's my theory because I never really know what to say or do in those situations. One of our neighbors 30 year old daughter recently passed away from what is apparently a ridiculously rare thing and I had no idea what to say, I don't really know them that well but their daughter was always really nice to my, much younger than her, daughter. Taking food kinda opened the door to talking to the parents rather than just avoiding them out of not knowing how to approach them.
 

20 hours ago, Darienne said:

Dear Tri2Cook, I am afraid your post got lost in a welter of posts of personal losses.  You have my sympathy.  Losses of beloved family and friends are so difficult and as we age these losses just keep coming.

Thanks Darienne, I really do appreciate that but it's okay that the focus stayed on the subject being discussed. I wasn't trying to steer the focus towards me, I was just relating my experience in answer to the question. It was difficult (basically, impossible) not to see it as entirely personal for a while but time has let me remember that it really isn't personal beyond the loss itself. It happens to people and families everywhere, every day. Doesn't make it any better, just easier to not slip into the depths of "why do bad things happen to me".

[Toliver]

One of my earliest memories was when I was 4 years old, sitting on the front seat of my parent's station wagon by myself ( ! It was a different era) while my mom went to deliver a casserole dish of baked beans (pork and beans doctored up with brown sugar, ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, etc, and topped with strips of bacon that had me drooling at such a young age) to a family who had just come back from a funeral. I don't recall much from that time but the sight of the browned bacon floating on that sea of baked beans is still vivid after all these years.

My condolences to all of you who have suffered a loss.

[MetsFan5]

My husband had to travel across the country to visit his son (obviously my stepson) shortly after my brother's death. I really didn't want or even trust myself to be alone for two nights so I went to my best friend's home. She has 2 kids 3 and under and their joy over my bringing a plastic slinky and cheap mini cupcakes from the supermarket was such a relief. She made a lasagna with a blend of pesto and marinara sauces and turkey sausage and I nearly cried at having a comforting and home cooked meal. Food really is surprisingly comforting. Maybe that's why I find myself eating the crap my brother loves best like Lipton's noodle soup (with 1/4th less water than called for so it even more salty and noodle filled), ramen and even frozen pizzas. Although after one frozen pizza I was done. I do like a good pizza. It's another comfort food for me. 

[haresfur]

Thank you for this topic. It is a terribly important part of our relationship with food that isn't often discussed. And it seems so strange that several of you, my friends, had such big life events without my knowing.

 

My father loved to eat. And unusually for a man of his generation, he loved to cook. He died many years ago, suddenly while attending a scientific meeting and staying my sister who was living in Orange County California at the time. This meant that many of the normal support systems weren't in place but also meant many of his colleagues were able to attend the memorial service. My family went to the overpriced grocery with perfectly displayed perfect food in the insanely upscale Fashion Island mall that my brother in law called Fascist Island. We bought anything we liked or that he liked. They even had his favourite Lion Brand German mustard (funny what your remember). I'm not ashamed to say we had a pretty good time.

[MetsFan5]

Oh the irony of my having not cooked in ages. I had my inlaws at my home during Christmas for 8!! days!!  I made a sausage lasagna, beef stew, and Christmas dinner. (steaks, roasted red potatoes and roasted green beans and Marsala mushrooms) and my husband made breakfast EVERY DAY. We eat a proper breakfast maybe once a month. My MIL also ordered those insanely over priced WS crossaints which I admit were very good. Going to 3 stores to find the appropriate recycled parchment paper I could have passed on. 

 

  As nice as it was to keep busy I crashed HARD once they left. Like didn't leave the bed for 20 hours and slept for 19 of those hours and the came down with a stomach bug then a cold. 

  I hope all of you who had a less than ideal holiday season are feeling ok and made it through unscathed. 

 

[Shelby]

1 hour ago, MetsFan5 said:

Oh the irony of my having not cooked in ages. I had my inlaws at my home during Christmas for 8!! days!!  I made a sausage lasagna, beef stew, and Christmas dinner. (steaks, roasted red potatoes and roasted green beans and Marsala mushrooms) and my husband made breakfast EVERY DAY. We eat a proper breakfast maybe once a month. My MIL also ordered those insanely over priced WS crossaints which I admit were very good. Going to 3 stores to find the appropriate recycled parchment paper I could have passed on. 

 

  As nice as it was to keep busy I crashed HARD once they left. Like didn't leave the bed for 20 hours and slept for 19 of those hours and the came down with a stomach bug then a cold. 

  I hope all of you who had a less than ideal holiday season are feeling ok and made it through unscathed. 

 

EIGHT DAYS?   Girl, you are a better person than I am.  I don't know if I could have survived that.  No offense to my in-laws....I couldn't handle anyone staying with me for that long.

[MetsFan5]

Another holiday and I took the easy way out. A 3 course dinner at a local fine dining restaurant for $59++ per person. I had a Caesar salad and scallops with an artichoke purée and crispy guicncale and chocolate mousse. My husband had grilled and smoked (which suffered from too many preperations) octopus and lamb loin. My parents had tenderloin and I wasn't surprised my dad's was over cooked as he could even get it done rare. 

  That's to be expected to me so we didn't complain. With drinks and tax and gratuity it was about $100 per person so not insane. It's about keeping calm during holidays and we did so mission accomplished. How the hell I will even begin to help my mom during Mother's Day is beyond me. I might ask her to go on a long weekend trip. 

 

These holidays are rough. 

[Thanks for the Crepes]

5 hours ago, MetsFan5 said:

These holidays are rough. 

 

I am there with you, woman.

 

I spent this holiday alone. Someone came to the door and knocked about 3:30 PM, and it might have been my ex-BIL that drives a big black SUV like was here, or it could have been Jehovah's Witnesses that left a tiny flyer on the door last week. Even J.W. fliers seem to have felt the effects of the economy, and are really small and cheap. However, whoever it was did not have the respect to call, so I didn't answer the door. I was way too busy being depressed.

 

My Easter dinner was a Cornish hen placed on a bed of a potato, a few carrots and half and onion with two large garlic cloves smashed and cut into slivers thrown into the cavity. Some say the garlic cloves in the cavity are great, but I think I prefer it without. They were well cooked though, and quite mild. The meal was good though, and provided enough to eat for tomorrow as well. This was cooked in an old crock pot, because my oven is broken.

 

I just so miss the ritual of special family dinners around the Easter holiday celebration. Ours was not even a conventional ritual, every time, although, we have had them, when our family was more intact, but dammit, it was our ritual. 

 

You should feel lucky, MetsFan5, that you still have your husband and parents, and a comfortable income where you can go out to eat such an expensive meal. I'm sorry some things, even at this price point, were lacking. I am mostly jealous of your remaining family. You really ought to cherish that.

 

I remember going out to eat for Thanksgiving only once with the family. It was terrible. A sit down dinner my step-mom paid for when it was her turn to host. The restaurant employees obviously wanted to be somewhere else, and who can blame them? The food was, well let's be kind, adequate. I cried later. I must say that it wasn't but a few years later that she was diagnosed with Parkinson's. 

 

[chromedome]

I brought my Mom up to my place for Easter weekend. Last week marked a month since my Dad's death, and Friday would have been his birthday (it's also the anniversary of my last day with my late wife, before she died unexpectedly in her sleep). 

I reckoned it was a good time to not be home alone with her thoughts, especially given that my GF's little granddaughter had a birthday party this weekend. Nothing like a bit of "toddler therapy" to cure a case of the blues.

She did have one small breakdown over the weekend, but overall it went well for everyone. We did ham and scalloped potatoes and all the usual trimmings, including an apple pie made from apples I'd scavenged from trees around the neighbourhood last fall. 

[Paul Fink]

@chromedome my sympathies.

It sounds like you had a good holiday with your family. 

[MetsFan5]

On April 17, 2017 at 6:09 AM, Thanks for the Crepes said:

 

I am there with you, woman.

 

I spent this holiday alone. Someone came to the door and knocked about 3:30 PM, and it might have been my ex-BIL that drives a big black SUV like was here, or it could have been Jehovah's Witnesses that left a tiny flyer on the door last week. Even J.W. fliers seem to have felt the effects of the economy, and are really small and cheap. However, whoever it was did not have the respect to call, so I didn't answer the door. I was way too busy being depressed.

 

My Easter dinner was a Cornish hen placed on a bed of a potato, a few carrots and half and onion with two large garlic cloves smashed and cut into slivers thrown into the cavity. Some say the garlic cloves in the cavity are great, but I think I prefer it without. They were well cooked though, and quite mild. The meal was good though, and provided enough to eat for tomorrow as well. This was cooked in an old crock pot, because my oven is broken.

 

I just so miss the ritual of special family dinners around the Easter holiday celebration. Ours was not even a conventional ritual, every time, although, we have had them, when our family was more intact, but dammit, it was our ritual. 

 

You should feel lucky, MetsFan5, that you still have your husband and parents, and a comfortable income where you can go out to eat such an expensive meal. I'm sorry some things, even at this price point, were lacking. I am mostly jealous of your remaining family. You really ought to cherish that.

 

I remember going out to eat for Thanksgiving only once with the family. It was terrible. A sit down dinner my step-mom paid for when it was her turn to host. The restaurant employees obviously wanted to be somewhere else, and who can blame them? The food was, well let's be kind, adequate. I cried later. I must say that it wasn't but a few years later that she was diagnosed with Parkinson's. 

 

 

 

   I know I am very fortunate to have my parents and the means to afford meals out at fine dining restaurants. 

   My family has always been a bit more comfortable dining out on holidays for a multitude of reasons. One, my father has a severe poultry allergy. So even if we go to extended family's homes, it's up to my mom or me to prep and bring something that can be reheated and avoid any cross contamination. Chicken stock is prevalent in so many things from soups to sauces and home cooks, as well intended as they are, don't always keep serving utensils seperate and can forget they used a boullion cube. Restaurants take allergies much more seriously and I mention my father's allergy when making reservations.

 

  When coping with the loss of an abusive addict, staying "home" is filled with extremely sad, violent and verbally abusive memories. A neutral ground is much easier for all of us, especially for my husband when the holiday proceeds a work day. And we've been going to the same restaurant for I think at least 3 holidays now. I know the waitstaff, some from having worked with them in a different restaurant. And that type of hospitality can, at times, feel more like family than actual family does. 

  I also have to be sensitive to my parents who have a hard time being around teenaged kids, people with questions surrounding a sudden death of a 33 yr old and go with what works for them. 

 

  But believe me. I thank god for them every. Single. Day.  Death is a personal process for everyone; it isn't a competition where any one wins-- everyone suffering loses and there isn't a barometer for measuring who's loss is more painful. 

 

  And that's the funny thing about restaurants. Sometimes the servers are a lot more genuine and kind than family would be. Which I suppose would surprise some, but not me. 

 

 

Edited April 19, 2017 by MetsFan5 (log)