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I will never again . . . (Part 2)


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I will never again 1). accept the assignment to make and decorate 500 roll-out sugar cookies for the Christmas formal, 2). use an 8 oz. ladle to measure the flour :blink: instead of a scale, and 3). use the ladle method twice before finally figuring out why the dough was so soft.

Noise is music. All else is food.

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Sigh, I love this thread. I can just laugh out loud at some of the stories. :biggrin:

And it's such a lovely complement to the Dinner thread where everyone is doing perfect, complex meals. Now we know the true story behind the pics... :hmmm:

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I will never again forget to poke a hole or two into my potatoes before baking in the oven....was kinda like 4th of july and Christmas all in one oven...really spectacular actually....not as hard to clean up the potatoe "snow" as I thought and the explosion sounds we cool too....

Mark

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I think i have most of these beat with what i did last thursday. my family decided about a week in advance to all come over just because. I volunteered to cook- i hadnt cooked for more than 4 or 5 people before and about 9 were coming. I decided it would be easy to do chinese because i could do a whole pile of food just by switching out woks. I decided to do a soup, two deserts, and four stir-fry dishes. So, i put about four cups of oil on early (because i needed to deep fry three seperate things) and went to preparing vegetables and sauces. I was starting to get low on time- about 35 minutes left and nothing actually cooked yet. So, im scrambling around and lift the oil lid. My racing mind says "oh, its not even boiling yet." I bet you can see where this is going. :wacko:

So I lift the lid a few minutes later and the surface immediately spawns a blue ring of flame. I rush back to my mom's office.

"hey mom!"

"what?" she asks nonchalauntly while playing solitare

"the oil!"

"what, did you burn the house down?" (somewhat joking, somewhat zoned out)

"...I hope not!"

she did a double take and ran past me into the kitchen.

I was using a foot tall pot and the microwave was perhaps only 20" off the range. We run out and we both freak out as the flames have just about bridged the gap. Seeing a bag of flour, my mom dumps some in (thinking of electrical fire) and the flame quickly bridges the gap. So, she grabs the hotpads and drops it in the sink. I go up to the cupboard and grab the fire extinguisher that weve never used. Meanwhile, my mom asks where the flour is. I gesture over to the bag with the burning rim. before i could spray the flames, she grabs the bag and dumps the whole damn thing on the pot.

Have you ever seen a mushroom cloud inside? i would say it mushroomed about 20 feet for 3 to 5 seconds. We were both about to call 911, but the flames subsided and nothing was caught on fire (somehow...)

The sinkhead was somewhat melted, the shutters, wallpaper, ceiling, and cabinets were burnt. Even the microwave was somewhat melted. The fan grill was warped and fell out and now the fan is unusable. My mom just said "What are you standing around for? Everyone will be here in a half hour- get cooking!" 'Allez cusine' echoed in my head and i cooked four dishes, the soup, and one desert in nothing flat (i got another pot of oil up for frying, but didnt have enough heat/oil to fry the apple springrolls without wrecking them, so i gave up on those.) In my altered state, i ended up switching a couple meats and such inadvertantly. nonetheless, it still turned out great. Hell, i almost didnt get any soup because it all went so fast. although 9 were expected, about 13 showed up (thanks alot. :angry: )

The first person to show up was my uncle, who is certified for food safety. He immediately asks "why didnt you just put the lid on?" My mother and i slowly look at eachother and then at the counter, where the lid had been laying the whole time.

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I think i have most of these beat with what i did last thursday. my family decided about a week in advance to all come over just because. I volunteered to cook- i hadnt cooked for more than 4 or 5 people before and about 9 were coming. I decided it would be easy to do chinese because i could do a whole pile of food just by switching out woks. I decided to do a soup, two deserts, and four stir-fry dishes. So, i put about four cups of oil on early (because i needed to deep fry three seperate things) and went to preparing vegetables and sauces. I was starting to get low on time- about 35 minutes left and nothing actually cooked yet. So, im scrambling around and lift the oil lid. My racing mind says "oh, its not even boiling yet." I bet you can see where this is going.  :wacko:

So I lift the lid a few minutes later and the surface immediately spawns a blue ring of flame. I rush back to my mom's office.

"hey mom!"

"what?" she asks nonchalauntly while playing solitare

"the oil!"

"what, did you burn the house down?" (somewhat joking, somewhat zoned out)

"...I hope not!"

she did a double take and ran past me into the kitchen.

I was using a foot tall pot and the microwave was perhaps only 20" off the range. We run out and we both freak out as the flames have just about bridged the gap. Seeing a bag of flour, my mom dumps some in (thinking of electrical fire) and the flame quickly bridges the gap. So, she grabs the hotpads and drops it in the sink. I go up to the cupboard and grab the fire extinguisher that weve never used. Meanwhile, my mom asks where the flour is. I gesture over to the bag with the burning rim. before i could spray the flames, she grabs the bag and dumps the whole damn thing on the pot.

Have you ever seen a mushroom cloud inside? i would say it mushroomed about 20 feet for 3 to 5 seconds. We were both about to call 911, but the flames subsided and nothing was caught on fire (somehow...)

The sinkhead was somewhat melted, the shutters, wallpaper, ceiling, and cabinets were burnt. Even the microwave was somewhat melted. The fan grill was warped and fell out and now the fan is unusable. My mom just said "What are you standing around for? Everyone will be here in a half hour- get cooking!" 'Allez cusine' echoed in my head and i cooked four dishes, the soup, and one desert in nothing flat (i got another pot of oil up for frying, but didnt have enough heat/oil to fry the apple springrolls without wrecking them, so i gave up on those.) In my altered state, i ended up switching a couple meats and such inadvertantly. nonetheless, it still turned out great. Hell, i almost didnt get any soup because it all went so fast. although 9 were expected, about 13 showed up (thanks alot.  :angry:  )

The first person to show up was my uncle, who is certified for food safety. He immediately asks "why didnt you just put the lid on?" My mother and i slowly look at eachother and then at the counter, where the lid had been laying the whole time.

Welcome, Purpledingo! I think it would be safe to say that is one of the best f*&k ups on here. :shock::laugh::shock:

Sorry to hear about the damage, but I'm really impressed you continued with dinner. Cheers.

Barbara Laidlaw aka "Jake"

Good friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.

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With the Holidays, this memory from a few years ago was triggered: my wife was making green butter-cream frosting for the Christmas cookies. I'm watching TV while she's cooking.

Her: "Honey, how many sticks of butter in a cup?"

Me: (not really paying attention, confusing "cup" and "pound"): "Four."

Ten minutes later: "Are you sure? Come look at this."

I go into the kitchen and there's a mass of whipped, bright green butter practically exploding out of the mixing bowl, rapidly melting.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Does anyone know the velocity of an exploding soda bottle?

I found a 2 litre bottle of soda in my freezer (that had been placed there by Blovie and forgotten about), and placed it on the counter to defrost. But, I began to feel parched so I decided to take a drink.......

Now, I know that opening a soda bottle where the contents have been frozen under pressure will explode, so...I....twisted....the....cap....very...very...slowly and when I felt the pressure mount I twisted it close. I did this several times and figured everything was ok, so I unscrewed the cap. The result as a Diet Pepsi explosion!!! Soda flying everywhere!! I'm finding dried soda on the walls :shock: And I was covered as well.

I've been punished for thinking I know better. :wacko:

"Some people see a sheet of seaweed and want to be wrapped in it. I want to see it around a piece of fish."-- William Grimes

"People are bastard-coated bastards, with bastard filling." - Dr. Cox on Scrubs

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I will NOT leave the kitchen when something is on the stove.

I will NOT leave the kitchen when something is on the stove.

I will NOT leave the kitchen when something is on the stove.

You get the general idea.

I made two different kinds of cranberry sauces over the Thanksgiving holiday. One was so yummy that I decided to make a second batch. As it was cooking away I was lured into the office by my computer, and what can I say?...time simply slipped away. Until...you got it...the smell of something burning assailed my nostrils.

Running into the kitchen I managed to whip the pot off the stove and ran out the front door. Lucky for me I live in the country. Trying to cool the pot down I rubbed it on the grass. Did you know that a hot, hot, hot copper-bottomed pot cleans effortlessly when rubbed on a lawn? Of course, we won't say what it does to the lawn, but heh, that's what a gardener is for!

Needless to say the pot was shot, the cranberry sauce was shot, and I left the pot on the lawn for a week, too embarassed to put it in the trash. :shock:

The question is not 'What shall we do today?', but 'Where shall we eat?'
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I love this thread.

Man, how I love this thread.

Remember the great turkey drop on WKRP in Cincinnati? "As God is my witness, I swear I thought turkeys could fly."

I thought that was just about the funniest thing I'd ever heard, until I discovered this thread.

Edited by jgm (log)
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Well there was the time that I was making beef stew with wine of course and thought I would have a glass while getting things ready.

Happily sipping and chopping away...the kids were playing so nice and quietly in the living room and I reveled in the peace and quiet.

Finally, I realized there was something unnatural about the quiet. :blink:

He had discovered scissors and my daughter sat there happily and let her big brother chop off her hair. Not a peep out of her...

Oh...and brownies have spilled over in my oven because the pan was just a tad too small and my barber son now older, laughed hysterically as black smoke poured out of the oven and the fire alarm went off.

I am seeing a trend here...get my son out when I want to cook. :biggrin:

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NEVER leave bananas in a workout bag sitting in the trunk of my car. I didn't drive the car for a month. Next time I got in, I was wondering where the foul smell was coming from and found a couple of banana peels and brown goo all over my sneakers and my bag. I threw out everything in the trunk including the rug and sprayed it down. Blech!

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Love this thread and thought I'd share my very own dope slap. It is not a good idea to sniff when grinding a whole bunch of dried chipotle chiles into powder in the Cuisinart.

Really not a good idea. The inside of my nose, throat, mouth, eyes, and every other mucous membrane in my head was burning, throbbing with pain. I couldn't make it stop. I couldn't think. It hurt from the inside.

I didn't know what to do, so I put my head in the freezer, but I needed something that could get inside my head, so I snorted milk. Imagine sticking your nose into a cold glass of milk and trying to inhale it without drowning or spilling all over the place. Then I put peeled cucumber sticks into my wet milky nose. Very uncomfortable, but not worse than the burning. Mostly I had to suffer and wait it out, but I'm sure there is still a picture of that night around here somewhere.

Oil and potatoes both grow underground so french fries may have eventually invented themselves had they not been invented -- J. Esther
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Love this thread and thought I'd share my very own dope slap.  It is not a good idea to sniff when grinding a whole bunch of dried chipotle chiles into powder in the Cuisinart. 

Really not a good idea.  The inside of my nose, throat, mouth, eyes, and every other mucous membrane in my head was burning, throbbing with pain.  I couldn't make it stop.  I couldn't think.  It hurt from the inside. 

I didn't know what to do, so I put my head in the freezer, but I needed something that could get inside my head, so I snorted milk.  Imagine sticking your nose into a cold glass of milk and trying to inhale it without drowning or spilling all over the place.  Then I put peeled cucumber sticks into my wet milky nose.  Very uncomfortable, but not worse than the burning.  Mostly I had to suffer and wait it out, but I'm sure there is still a picture of that night around here somewhere.

Welcome to eGullet tamiam. What a way to start out in our community. That takes a lot of guts. You will do well here. :laugh: You get extra points for admitting to such a thing. I am still trying to get a picture of your head in the freezer. Then there is the cucumber sticks up the nose. That has to be my eGulley laugh for the day. :laugh: Sorry for the laughs but I can really empathize. I did a similar thing roasting some chiles some years ago. Unfortunately, the only thing that helped was time. Oh . . . My eyes got involved in that one, too.

Linda LaRose aka "fifi"

"Having spent most of my life searching for truth in the excitement of science, I am now in search of the perfectly seared foie gras without any sweet glop." Linda LaRose

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Well thank you. It is funnier than the time I forgot to put the eggs in the cake batter.

Oil and potatoes both grow underground so french fries may have eventually invented themselves had they not been invented -- J. Esther
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Oh, YEAH! The prep guys used to love it when I ground the chipotles and guajillos into powder, because I made them clear out of the prep area for the whole time. Before that, everyone walked around like banditos with napkins over mouth and nose -- but that didn't keep the stuff out of the eyes.

And while that must have hurt like a sumbitch, the image is hysterical!

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Two stories involving glassware and sheer foolishness.

1) Never cut pasta rounds (to make raviolis) with the rim of a wine glass!

I was holding the wine glass upside down, tightly grabbing the foot of the glass in my right fist. As I was going through my second sheet of pasta, applying pressure with not only my hand but my whole body (!!!!), the lower stem of the glass suddenly snaps. :wacko:

The foot of the glass stays in my hand but the stem lodges itself between my index and middle finger. I jump and scream not realizing what just happened. When I do, I make a quick assessment of the mess I just created (I will avoid the gory details), lots of the red stuff coming out of course but luckily, the cut is not too deep, so after a bandage or two, I move on with my raviolis, making squares with a knife this time!!! Not that bad after all!

2) Never pour hot oil in a water glass!

Pan frying some fish one day. In a haste, I scramble around the kitchen counter looking for something to pour my excess oil into. I find an empty water glass. :hmmm: Next thing I know, I proceed with my stupid operation and quickly turn to the kitchen counter behind me to reach out for the butter. As I do this, I hear a loud pop. The glass just shattered into a million pieces, splashing hot oil all over the place. Thank god I was facing the other way. I was saved by the butter!!

"A chicken is just an egg's way of making another egg." Samuel Butler
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I will never again ....

Think that adding fresh diced chiles to boiling water is a good way of infusing pasta (it's already too late to say I'll never again cook while soused & believe that a shortcut just thought of is a good idea). We had to go out - everyone, including the dogs, was acting like they'd been pepper-sprayed.

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<snip> I needed something that could get inside my head, so I snorted milk.  Imagine sticking your nose into a cold glass of milk and trying to inhale it without drowning or spilling all over the place.  Then I put peeled cucumber sticks into my wet milky nose.  Very uncomfortable, but not worse than the burning.  Mostly I had to suffer and wait it out, but I'm sure there is still a picture of that night around here somewhere.

Hee - I snorted out of laughter reading this one! If you find the picture and you want to post... it would probably make a lot of people smile! :laugh::laugh:

I wonder... do you get an endorphin rush from inhaling the pepper?

...wine can of their wits the wise beguile, make the sage frolic, and the serious smile. --Alexander Pope

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