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Tony Bourdain Visits Narnia


tammylc
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This guy has written up an awesome piece of fanfic that describes Tony Bourdain visiting Narnia.

A preview:

The mouse cocks his head and considers my words. His eyes are black and shiny as oil-cured olives. “A true apology, however phrased, better suits a gentleman than ill-considered insults. Yet... You have the air of a man who enjoys a challenge. It would be a shame to part without trying our skill. Here are your seconds; draw your sword.”

I decide not to mention the chef’s knife in my luggage. “I don’t have one.”

“I am willing to fight bare-handed.”

“I’m three times your size.”

The mouse stares at me, narrow-eyed. “I have fought men before.”

I’ve seen that look before, on the faces of drunken, hopped-up chefs and sous-chefs and girlfriends, right before the cops come and haul them away. I probably could have seen it in the mirror, too, except I was too busy committing mayhem at the time to look into one. It’s not a look which can be argued away, but it is a look which can sometimes be deflected.

“I’ll thumb-wrestle you,” I offer. “My thumb, your hand. If you win, I’ll buy you a drink. If I win, you buy me one.”

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That was hilarious. Thanks for posting this.

This is my skillet. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My skillet is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it, as I must master my life. Without me my skillet is useless. Without my skillet, I am useless. I must season my skillet well. I will. Before God I swear this creed. My skillet and myself are the makers of my meal. We are the masters of our kitchen. So be it, until there are no ingredients, but dinner. Amen.

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