Meals that make you cry

[Mjx]

Some meals begin with ingredients that have potential, but the project is gunned down by by faith in a lousy recipe source, indifference, or misguided ideas about time/calorie saving.

These are the meals that make you nearly weep for what might have been.

The other night I had a meal that consisted of roast pork, baked potatoes, and mixed vegetables. I like simple food, and this could have been great.

Unfortunately, the pork was dried to the point of beginning to curl, because when it reached temperature, it was decided to keep it in the oven, until the potatoes were done.

Even after a couple of hours in the oven, the potatoes remained hard, and their cut surfaces were coated with a reduced-calorie butter substitute and 'Mexican spices', the primary ingredient of which was, apparently, soap powder.

The vegetables were a bagged mix in an alleged 'pesto sauce' that was a disturbing shade of chartreuse. These were stir-fried, then kept warm and covered over low heat, for about an hour.

The cook (a genuinely sweet person, who unfortunately hates to cook, and really tries to cut time and calories) was candidly displeased with the results of the meal, but said she just couldn't bring herself to spend more time on it.

As a guest, there was no way I could be that frank, but I keep thinking about it, and the fact that these 'nearer-miss-than-you-think' (as opposed to trainwreck from initial conception, right on through) situations are far from uncommon.

So: Any similiar tales of woe?

[weinoo]

One time we were at a dinner party where the host was a genuinely knowledgeable person about food. Or at least loves to talk about what a great cook they are, I made this week, I made that last week, blah, blah, blah.

After some nice hors d'oeuvres and a lovely salad, the main was brought out...a simple, yet what-could-have been delicious course of chicken thighs in some sort of sauce, roasted in the oven. Unfortunately, the chicken was raw. Funny, but I usually taste things before bringing them to the table.

And then there is the dinner at someone's home, who for whatever reason, doesn't cook with salt. Which basically means all the food is going to be bland as hell; good in a hospital setting maybe, but not for a dinner party.

[abadoozy]

I once had Thanksgiving dinner with my ex's family. It was like a stereotype of a bad Thanksgiving dinner - canned yams with multicolored marshmallows on top, instant mashed potatoes, and a turkey so dry that you had to take a drink of water with every bite to get it down. I'd actually never had turkey that bad - I used to think that dry, inedible turkey was mostly something people exaggerated about, but this was worse than any story I'd ever heard. Literally, it was like putting sawdust in your mouth. Halfway through the meal they remembered that ex and I liked to drink wine, and said there was some in the fridge, help ourselves. When we went to look, it was a magnum bottle of something that had obviously been open for months if not years (the family were not drinkers).

All that would have been fine, I understand that not everyone is a foodie. But then ex's father decided to start bragging about the mostly-inedible turkey. Turned out he got it a year ago, shortly after the previous Thanksgiving, and it was on sale for 8 cents a pound! He bought it and stored it in their freezer for an entire year.

Luckily, we divorced before too many more Thanksgivings. I couldn't bear any more miserable holidays.

[lancastermike]

One time we were at a dinner party where the host was a genuinely knowledgeable person about food. Or at least loves to talk about what a great cook they are, I made this week, I made that last week, blah, blah, blah.

After some nice hors d'oeuvres and a lovely salad, the main was brought out...a simple, yet what-could-have been delicious course of chicken thighs in some sort of sauce, roasted in the oven. Unfortunately, the chicken was raw. Funny, but I usually taste things before bringing them to the table.

What a shame, nothing worse than somebody who is all talk and no walk.

[ruthcooks]

A gracious lady once offered to let me stay at her house in Louisiana while we were both on staff for a children's seminar. She apologized because she was not a cook, and said she could offer for the first night's dinner chicken, baked potatoes and salad. I told her not to worry, that her menu would be fine with me.

Unfortunately, I was thinking of MY chicken, MY baked potatoes (with butter, sour cream and perhaps chives or green onions) and MY salad. Reality hit with a dried out chicken breast with no sauce, a baked potato with MARGARINE! and iceberg lettuce with bottled dressing. Will I never learn to curb my expectations?

[gfweb]

Knowing the food I ate as a kid at my house and at friends houses I'm sure that there are millions eating under-seasoned, dried-out meat and limp veg. It might even be the majority of eaters.

[gfweb]

The leftovers that my avatar is staring down are better than what I got as a kid. LOL. But both were made with love, which makes up for a lot.

[Toliver]

There's more weeping in this previous eGullet discussion:

Worst meal at someone's home

[Mjx]

There's more weeping in this previous eGullet discussion:

Worst meal at someone's home

Yeah, I had been thinking of that discussion, but many (most?) of the meals described there were spectacular disasters from the word go (if I remember correctly), whereas I was thinking of meals that could have been good, but the ingredients were maltreated: the meal equivalent of the nice-to-gorgeous fabric that is turned into a really ugly garment or outfit.

[SylviaLovegren]

One time we were at a dinner party where the host was a genuinely knowledgeable person about food. Or at least loves to talk about what a great cook they are, I made this week, I made that last week, blah, blah, blah.

After some nice hors d'oeuvres and a lovely salad, the main was brought out...a simple, yet what-could-have been delicious course of chicken thighs in some sort of sauce, roasted in the oven. Unfortunately, the chicken was raw.

You were there? This happened to me a few years ago when we had some friends over for the first time. I made a tried-and-true chicken casserole but apparently the oven was cooler than usual. Very embarrassing. Our friends were gracious while they waited while I nuked their partially gnawed chicken thighs. I've since taken to using instant read thermometers more regularly.

[runwestierun]

I think I am saddest when something rather expensive is ruined--prime rib, scallops. I guess I am just a cheapskate at heart and it makes me a little sadder if the ruined item isn't something I could afford everyday.

We often spend Christmas with my brother's family. For Christmas Eve his wife's mother makes a big prime rib roast and takes it to an internal temperature of--and I am guessing here--about 260F-275F. Every year it is so completely ruined and all it would take to fix it is to take it out of the oven a couple of days earlier. It's seasoned fine, the sides are good, but the meat is mummified. It breaks my heart. I sob on the inside.

[andiesenji]

A few months ago I was invited to a dinner with friends who do know how to cook and usually present a very acceptable menu.

That time they had gotten an incredibly expensive (or so they said) New Zealand leg of lamb.

"flash frozen, cryopak" .

Now I have to say that I am not a big fan of lamb at the best of times, and I do like it well done.

When carved, the lamb was nicely browned on the outside but the inside was completely raw and cold - I think it had not been fully defrosted before going into the oven and next to the bone it looked like it was still chilled.

I couldn't eat it and while the host and another man tucked in, none of the women and one of the men ate the sides and avoided the lamb.

I asked the woman if she had checked it with a probe thermometer (which I know she has) but she said, no, she had been preparing lamb in this manner "forever" and had no idea what had gone wrong. I commiserated with her and suggested she have her oven calibrated and use the probe thermometer in the future.

I also suggested she cut the meat off the bone and prepare a lamb stew.

[Katie Meadow]

Of course ruining expensive ingredients is annoying, but I'm not sure it's something to cry over. All-around bad cooking like the Thanksgiving meal described above isn't worth crying over either, especially if someone else did the cooking. Let's put a positive spin on this. Any meal that incompetent and awful should be turned artfully into a good story for later, and be a source of laughter, not tears. As I practice cooking over the years, making mistakes and learning from them, I am more and more amazed at how dreadfully many Americans eat--and for so many reasons. Some people eat only in their comfort zone and only what they grew up with--and that might be good down-home from scratch cooking or it might be the use of heavily processed ingredients and a reliance on dried soup mixes, Kraft parmesan cheese, etc.

My mother never had anyone to teach her anything about cooking. She was a pretty bad cook for the most part. A few things she managed to get right if she had the luck of using a good recipe, but she never got down most basic techniques, and many mistakes became ingrained habits just because she got hold of the wrong recipe 60 years ago. Almost everything I learned from her had to be unlearned. That's sad, but sort of laughable.

So, positive. I want to eat a meal that makes me cry because it's so wonderful and not because it's so dreadful. When I first heard about Grant Achatz's signature dish with the burning leaves I thought that could make me cry. Although I think living in the Bay Area where no one burns leaves routinely means that I'm just as likely to weep with nostalgia at the smell of burning leaves as I am at the food that comes with. That, or the smoke is irritating my contact lenses.

[Andrew Fenton]

I'm with Katie. I've had plenty of bad meals, but if they're cooked with friendship and love, what's to cry about? Laugh, sure; but you get a good story out of it.

What meals make me cry? When I have my grandmother's applesauce cake, I do cry- or snuffle a little. Because it reminds me of her, and how I miss her.

[Mjx]

I'm with Katie. I've had plenty of bad meals, but if they're cooked with friendship and love, what's to cry about? Laugh, sure; but you get a good story out of it.

What meals make me cry? When I have my grandmother's applesauce cake, I do cry- or snuffle a little. Because it reminds me of her, and how I miss her.

You and Katie have a point, but when the expression on the cook's face during the meal is one of mingled embarrassment and stoic endurance (and the ample leftovers are thrown away, because she can't bring herself to face eating them again), it is sad, particularly since this sort of thing is almost inevitably the result of believing bad information, and far better results would have been obtained with less effort.

I should note that I offer to stand in as cook for her on every possible occasion, for which she is very grateful (and knits me the most beautiful sweaters); some people just don't like to cook!

[Snadra]

My in-laws keep a very nice vegetable garden, but believe in everything being "well-cooked". I can't count the number of times I have eaten broccoli, just brought in from the garden, cooked to such a yellow it's practically indistinguishable from the packet hollandaise sulking over it. They mean the best, so I eat it with a smile, but it's terrible to see lovingly grown and perfect ingredients destroyed. But I do appreciate the fresh goodies they bring when they come down to Sydney.

[Darienne]

This for me goes a bit farther than 'meals' per se.

We have quite a number of Chinese food restaurants in Peterpatch and without an exception (thus far) we have not found one which turns out decent food. Too much 'muzzy' sauce in all dishes. Too much what? North American / Chinese?

Toronto is different. There you can get good Chinese (and everything else it seems) food.

Too bad.

[Mr Holloway]

We often spend Christmas with my brother's family. For Christmas Eve his wife's mother makes a big prime rib roast and takes it to an internal temperature of--and I am guessing here--about 260F-275F. Every year it is so completely ruined and all it would take to fix it is to take it out of the oven a couple of days earlier. It's seasoned fine, the sides are good, but the meat is mummified. It breaks my heart. I sob on the inside.

Almost had beer come out my nose on that one

Great stories guys, you made my day before I have to go into work

[Darienne]

We often spend Christmas with my brother's family. For Christmas Eve his wife's mother makes a big prime rib roast and takes it to an internal temperature of--and I am guessing here--about 260F-275F. Every year it is so completely ruined and all it would take to fix it is to take it out of the oven a couple of days earlier. It's seasoned fine, the sides are good, but the meat is mummified. It breaks my heart. I sob on the inside.

Almost had beer come out my nose on that one

Great stories guys, you made my day before I have to go into work

Here's a similar and pitiful story: I lived for 18 years with a vegetarian Mother who did this to every piece of meat I was forced to eat. The paediatrician would not take care of me if my Mother did not feed me meat. And so she did. I never thought of it as mummified...more like shoe leather.

[Mr Holloway]

Here's a similar and pitiful story: I lived for 18 years with a vegetarian Mother who did this to every piece of meat I was forced to eat. The paediatrician would not take care of me if my Mother did not feed me meat. And so she did. I never thought of it as mummified...more like shoe leather.

My mom, who was a good cook.

Had a difficult time with beef, she like to finish off around the 200 degree mark

[judiu]

My sainted grandmother, God be good to her, was born in the very late 19th century, and totally believed pork had to be cooked until dead. She could roast a beautiful piece of pork to a lovely golden brown, but the interior was never juicy. Pork chops had to be thin cut, and fried (pan broiled actually) until they were like poker chips. No big surprise, I always thought I disliked pork! Turned out, of course, that I just disliked it the way Nana cooked it!

[BarbaraY]

I managed one of those meals just yesterday. Decided to have Quiche Lorraine. I guess it was the different brand of Gruyere that I bought but it was barely edible and this is one of those things that I have made forever. Still have 1/2 of it in the fridge even though I had a small slice that I shared with the dog today.

[annachan]

Was at a relatives house. They tried to cook prime rib. Now, I don't mind my beef rare, but this thing was like its alive. The first piece from the end was already dripping with blood. Couldn't be bothered to put it back in the oven, the bloody pieces were sent to the microwave one by one. The other options aren't better: game hens that were heavily seasoned by only garlic salt and I was not going to go near those salmon they paid $1.99/lb for.

[annachan]

My sainted grandmother, God be good to her, was born in the very late 19th century, and totally believed pork had to be cooked until dead. She could roast a beautiful piece of pork to a lovely golden brown, but the interior was never juicy. Pork chops had to be thin cut, and fried (pan broiled actually) until they were like poker chips. No big surprise, I always thought I disliked pork! Turned out, of course, that I just disliked it the way Nana cooked it!

My mom still believe that! I had to tell her to stop making pork chops.

[Ashen]

I think I am saddest when something rather expensive is ruined--prime rib, scallops. I guess I am just a cheapskate at heart and it makes me a little sadder if the ruined item isn't something I could afford everyday.

We often spend Christmas with my brother's family. For Christmas Eve his wife's mother makes a big prime rib roast and takes it to an internal temperature of--and I am guessing here--about 260F-275F. Every year it is so completely ruined and all it would take to fix it is to take it out of the oven a couple of days earlier. It's seasoned fine, the sides are good, but the meat is mummified. It breaks my heart. I sob on the inside.

That is freaking Hilarious RWR.. You always make me laugh.

Miss you over at JO's