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Culinary Signs of the Apocalypse: 2010


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I am on a lot of press release email lists, and so I regularly get pieces of "news" that make me shake my head in disbelief. Following the "Signs of the Apocalypse" feature in Sports Illustrated (click here for a particularly tasty example, Reds fans), I propose that we share our own signs here.

I have a good one to start:

Jersey Shore star Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino can now add "drink master" to his resume. The MTV reality star confirmed today (Tuesday) he's the new face of a unique brand of vodka that's perfect for his GTL and partying lifestyle.

Devotion Vodka has 2 grams of protein in each shot which The Situation claims prevents hangovers and helps promote his newly founded foundation, GFA (Gernade Free America). The Situation announced on Facebook.

Devotion Vodka was created and developed by New Jersey native and fitness buff Drew Adelman which makes the Jersey Shore star seem like an obvious spokesperson. "My own personal mantra has always been if you are going to be bad, you might as well be good," Adelman says in a statement on his company's website. "I used to actually take my own protein out with me when I went for a night on the town. Then I realized there were millions of people like me who wanted to adhere to their lifestyle, and also have a good time."

Interesting: I think that's also the Dalai Lama's mantra. You can read more on TMZ if that's your mantra as well.

Chris Amirault

eG Ethics Signatory

Sir Luscious got gator belts and patty melts

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So he's basically The Most Interesting Man in the World for the freeweights and fake tans set?

As for signs of the Apocalypse, Sandra Lee got her show years ago, so...

This is my skillet. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My skillet is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it, as I must master my life. Without me my skillet is useless. Without my skillet, I am useless. I must season my skillet well. I will. Before God I swear this creed. My skillet and myself are the makers of my meal. We are the masters of our kitchen. So be it, until there are no ingredients, but dinner. Amen.

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Vodka drinks stuff recalls a quip of a generation ago: The Phillips Screwdriver. (Vodka and Milk of Magnesia.)

A purported "End Times" sign, locally appalling many observers over 30, is the advent of sweet bagels containing things like blueberries, cinnamon, even -- I Am Not Making This Up -- chocolate chips. The (mainly) younger folks who buy these objects may not realize either how recent or how anomalous they are.

These newfangled sweet bagels may even taste great. Just as blueberry risotto, or cheese with chovolate chips in it, might taste good too, God help us all. But how they taste is way off the point: They're just wrong, and if you're lucky, you'll understand.

Pray.

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With any kind of luck maybe the FDA will shut that abomination (the vodka that is) down - Prevent a hangover through some sort of protein in your drink? Get Real !

Doesn't work with Ramos Gin Fizz or Pisco Sours(which use a raw egg white for the froth) - at least not enough to notice a difference.

The Pleasures of Exile are Imperfect at Best, At Worst They Rot the Liver.

Spirits Review.com

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A purported "End Times" sign, locally appalling many observers over 30, is the advent of sweet bagels containing things like blueberries, cinnamon, even -- I Am Not Making This Up -- chocolate chips. The (mainly) younger folks who buy these objects may not realize either how recent or how anomalous they are.

These newfangled sweet bagels may even taste great. Just as blueberry risotto, or cheese with chovolate chips in it, might taste good too, God help us all. But how they taste is way off the point: They're just wrong, and if you're lucky, you'll understand.

Pray.

So the dough itself is sugared, not regular bagel dough with sweet bits mixed in? Gross.

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Vodka drinks stuff recalls a quip of a generation ago: The Phillips Screwdriver. (Vodka and Milk of Magnesia.)

A purported "End Times" sign, locally appalling many observers over 30, is the advent of sweet bagels containing things like blueberries, cinnamon, even -- I Am Not Making This Up -- chocolate chips. The (mainly) younger folks who buy these objects may not realize either how recent or how anomalous they are.

These newfangled sweet bagels may even taste great. Just as blueberry risotto, or cheese with chovolate chips in it, might taste good too, God help us all. But how they taste is way off the point: They're just wrong, and if you're lucky, you'll understand.

Pray.

I love sesame, poppy and onion bagels. But I also enjoy cinnamon raisin or even blueberry. Like having jam or some sweet factor injected in the bread instead of having to spread it over the top. A basic desire of sweet over savory. What’s the big deal? Are blueberry pancakes, waffles and French toast a travesty as well?

That wasn't chicken

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Iced tea flavored vodka.

Firefly really is pretty good! I love my classic cocktails but, flavoring neutral spirits isn't a travesty. Its Gin, aquavit, lemoncello....

To each his own of course but I just happen to be the sort that thinks there should be some limits on things. Iced tea flavored vodka is a bridge to far for me. It's the point at which we let go and give ourselves over to the idea of flavoring for flavoring's sake. I think about it this way: its possible to think of gin and aquavit as seasoned spirits, in which I know what the seasonings are. I can't really conceive of iced tea flavored vodka as seasoned spirit, its flavored, like gummy bears or grape soda or blue water ice. I don't like powdered iced tea either. I'm just not a fan of this kind of abstract "flavoring." I just don't think gin and iced tea vodka are the same thing.

But as always, if it pleases you, it pleases you. One man's apocalypse is another's tipple.

nunc est bibendum...

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Just got this from Amazon:

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

As someone who has purchased or rated Baking: From My Home to Yours by Dorie Greenspan, you might like to know that Betty Crocker Fix-with-a-Mix Desserts will be released on September 7, 2010.

Chris Amirault

eG Ethics Signatory

Sir Luscious got gator belts and patty melts

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Just got this from Amazon:

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

As someone who has purchased or rated Baking: From My Home to Yours by Dorie Greenspan, you might like to know that Betty Crocker Fix-with-a-Mix Desserts will be released on September 7, 2010.

That truly is a sign of the end of days! What were they thinking?

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Slap Chop.

Only thing wrong with the slap chop is the commercials.

Does it work?

Peter Gamble aka "Peter the eater"

I just made a cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing. . .

Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with spam? . . .

Would you believe a rat filled with cough drops?

Moe Sizlack

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Just got this from Amazon:

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

As someone who has purchased or rated Baking: From My Home to Yours by Dorie Greenspan, you might like to know that Betty Crocker Fix-with-a-Mix Desserts will be released on September 7, 2010.

Hey, at least it wasn't the Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee Complete DVD Collection.

This is my skillet. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My skillet is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it, as I must master my life. Without me my skillet is useless. Without my skillet, I am useless. I must season my skillet well. I will. Before God I swear this creed. My skillet and myself are the makers of my meal. We are the masters of our kitchen. So be it, until there are no ingredients, but dinner. Amen.

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Just remembered something that really shocked me. From Oliver's Food Revolution, the demo he did in the test kitchen for a few elementary kids. He broke down a chicken set aside the parts, took the carcass threw it in a blender, shaped nuggets, breaded and fried them. The kids were given the choice of eating the carcass nuggets or the breast. It was nuggets by a landlslide. I mean he prepped everything 5 feet from them. They heard and saw the bones crunching in the blender!

That wasn't chicken

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Just remembered something that really shocked me. From Oliver's Food Revolution, the demo he did in the test kitchen for a few elementary kids. He broke down a chicken set aside the parts, took the carcass threw it in a blender, shaped nuggets, breaded and fried them. The kids were given the choice of eating the carcass nuggets or the breast. It was nuggets by a landlslide. I mean he prepped everything 5 feet from them. They heard and saw the bones crunching in the blender!

WOW. This is insane. Just the thought of it makes me shiver all over.

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Cheez Whiz was bad enough, but now they have waffle batter in an aerosol can. Can this really be happening?

"...which usually means underflavored, undersalted modern French cooking hidden under edible flowers and Mexican fruits."

- Jeffrey Steingarten, in reference to "California Cuisine".

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