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The One Inviolable Pizza Topping Rule

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Andrew, let's be honest here:  What's the point of having a Pizza Mind Control Ray if you can't use it for evil?

You know, you're right! I'd better get one of those. Are the ones from Williams-Sonoma any good, or just overpriced?

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For thin crust pizza I only eat Margherita.

For the thicker Roman style pizza I only eat it with a sauteed-tomatoes sauce and whole milk mozzarella, the one that comes in blocks.

With pizza and sandwiches you can use any dough/bread, and any toppings/fillings that you want. However, I think that only a few combinations make sense in terms of texture and taste. For instance, when I go to subway and see people order a meatball sub with tomato sauce in that soft bread, I don't think it makes sense.

Since Italians have always shown to know a lot about what combinations of ingredients make sense, my rule would be: any pizza that Italians have eaten for at least 50 years in any region of Italy.

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Andrew, let's be honest here:  What's the point of having a Pizza Mind Control Ray if you can't use it for evil?

You know, you're right! I'd better get one of those. Are the ones from Williams-Sonoma any good, or just overpriced?

DIY is the only way to go.

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I don't think anyone is attempting to decree what you eat.  They're just expressing opinions, among them that pineapple or sauerkraut or a half-inch thick layer of miscellaneous toppings on pizza (a) aren't good, and (b) pervert what they think there is to admire about pizza.

I love this thread. I am trying to make the jokes but I am not very good at it. I love a pizza with a ton of toppings. I am the kind of guy who would go into a pizzeria in Naples and ask for green olives, black olives, pineapple, ham, sausage...

This is no different from people saying that they think well-done steak is an abomination (and if you peruse these forums, you'll see plenty of opinions expressed just that way).  But, you know... no one is going to knock the fork our of your hand if you're getting ready to eat a slice of pepperoni-bacon-mushroom-pineapple-pepper-onion-ham-spinach-meatball pizza or cut into a well done USDA prime ribeye.

Steak should never be anything but rare. If I see you eating anything but I will attack you with my personal custom steak knife.

As for anchovies, there's nothing wrong with them whatsoever.  Except for the fact that most "pizza parlor" type places use crappy quality, half-rancid anchovies.  In addition, I personally feel that anchovies, while delicious on a thin-crust pizza with a very light amount of good quality mozzarella (or perhaps no cheese at all), are not harmonious with the copious amounts of mediocre "pizza cheese" which weigh down most American pizzas.

This is true. With anchovies it is hit or miss. They are either great or they make the pizza inedible.

But really... this is a pretty light hearted thread.  Other than saying that they don't agree with you, I don't gather that anyone is suggesting you shouldn't be able to eat a pepperoni-bacon-mushroom-pineapple-pepper-onion-ham-spinach-meatball "French bread pizza" if that's what you like.

I agree. I am attempting humor and failing miserably. I guess I should stick to eating. I have that skill mastered.

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I happen to think pineapple -- especially if it gets a bit of char -- is good on pizza, and not just with ham. I like the tang it provides. Sorry.

No apologies and no surrender to this claptrap about pineapple. The combination of pineapple and tomato is one of the nicest ever. We are persecuted but we are no fools. When you and I meet in hell (where else will we get that ideal char on our pineapple?) we will have a crispy thin-crust wood-fired pizza with fresh pineapple chunks and modest amounts of mozz and tomato sauce. There will be no ham, or anything else to gum up the works on this perfect minimalist pizza.

And don't believe that stuff about the Pizza Mind Control Ray. I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist, but if it does, and is used from a subterranean fortress like Sam's batcave or the subway or something, it can't penetrate the earth's crust, or ours, which shall never be soggy. ("No crust shall be soggy on this earth," remember.)

Now get me out of here before someone hurts me.

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My abominable pizza is the one served at Alexander Hamilton Junior High School, Elizabeth NJ, c 1960: white bread, plain tomato sauce, American cheese. Not at all unlike the Old Forge, Pa., version (apologies to Rich P)!


Edited by rlibkind (log)
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My abominable pizza is the one served at Alexander Hamilton Junior High School, Elizabeth NJ, c 1960: white bread, plain tomato sauce, American cheese. Not at all unlike the Old Forge, Pa., version (apologies to Rich P)!

Do I dare post my mother-in-law's pizza burger recipe?

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I really don't care what people put on their pizza (I am a minimalist myself), but what is the deal with people cutting pizzas into squares?

It drives me nuts. I mean, its already a frigin circle, why the hell are you cutting it into squares?

A little OT, but, I guess my point is that no matter what the toppings, a square pizza is automatically doomed.

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I really don't care what people put on their pizza (I am a minimalist myself), but what is the deal with people cutting pizzas into squares?

It drives me nuts. I mean, its already a frigin circle...

Not if you make it in a sheet pan!

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My favorite take-out pizza topping combination is jalapeno and anchovy. When a large group orders pizza, this can be a surprisingly popular combination, often one of the first to disappear (definitely before the pineapple pizza -- sorry Katie, I shouldn't pile on :raz: ).

When we phone in an order, we invariably get a call back: “Did someone order a jalapeno and anchovy pizza from this address?”

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I really don't care what people put on their pizza (I am a minimalist myself), but what is the deal with people cutting pizzas into squares?

It drives me nuts. I mean, its already a frigin circle, why the hell are you cutting it into squares?

In Racine, Wisconsin, one local chain takes the circle and cuts it into diamond shapes. It's actually a fairly good pie, with an exceedingly thin, almost cracker-like, crust.

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I have a rule I'd like to add, though I'm not sure others would agree.

Anchovies on pizza should not be large whole filets, but should be cut into manageable pieces and judiciously dispersed. There's nothing worse than taking a bite of pizza and getting a mouthful of anchovy and only anchovy. It's like swallowing a couple of tablespoons of fish sauce straight.

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I have a rule I'd like to add, though I'm not sure others would agree.

Anchovies on pizza should not be large whole filets, but should be cut into manageable pieces and judiciously dispersed.  There's nothing worse than taking a bite of pizza and getting a mouthful of anchovy and only anchovy.  It's like swallowing a couple of tablespoons of fish sauce straight.

A big bite of anchovy sounds good to me.

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I really don't care what people put on their pizza (I am a minimalist myself), but what is the deal with people cutting pizzas into squares?

It drives me nuts. I mean, its already a frigin circle, why the hell are you cutting it into squares?

In Racine, Wisconsin, one local chain takes the circle and cuts it into diamond shapes. It's actually a fairly good pie, with an exceedingly thin, almost cracker-like, crust.

Diamonds?

Blasphemy.

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Uh Oh!  I better tell my brother that before he makes white pizza with garlic, tomatoes, olive oil and mozzarella.

Mushrooms are okay if they are sauteed first and dry.

Tomatoes need to be used sparingly and in small / thin pieces so the extra juice evaporates in the hot oven.

Celery?!?! who would add that to pizza?!

Peppers - only if they are roasted in my world.

My problem is with bbq sauce...It does not belong on my pizza for any reason!

Neither does pineapple, salad or pasta of any kind!

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I really don't care what people put on their pizza (I am a minimalist myself), but what is the deal with people cutting pizzas into squares?

It drives me nuts. I mean, its already a frigin circle, why the hell are you cutting it into squares?

In Racine, Wisconsin, one local chain takes the circle and cuts it into diamond shapes. It's actually a fairly good pie, with an exceedingly thin, almost cracker-like, crust.

Diamonds?

Blasphemy.

Diamonds are just squares that are too lazy to stand up straight

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I just made a pizza with avocados on it. Is that ok?

An avoca-do or an avoca-don't?

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I just made a pizza with avocados on it. Is that ok?

An avoca-do or an avoca-don't?

madness

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I'm currently in Japan, the land of totally inappropriate pizza toppings -- corn, potatoes, mayonnaise, tuna, etc. Pineapple and ham are minor transgressions in THIS context. However, I'm a libertarian pizza maker and eater -- eat what you like and like what you eat.

I had a great and unusual "pizza" the other day -- a plain crust baked in a wood oven so that the dough blew up into a big oval sphere -- think rugby ball with a very thin, crisp, & tasty crust. After it came from the oven, they laid slices of prosciutto over the "bombe" and served the whole thing with garlic-rosemary-chili oil to sprinkle as you like.

It may not have been pizza, but it was very, very good.

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I just made a pizza with avocados on it. Is that ok?

An avoca-do or an avoca-don't?

They are fatty enough to qualify as legal.

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I had a great and unusual "pizza" the other day -- a plain crust baked in a wood oven so that the dough blew up into a big oval sphere -- think rugby ball with a very thin, crisp, & tasty crust.  After it came from the oven, they laid slices of prosciutto over the "bombe" and served the whole thing with garlic-rosemary-chili oil to sprinkle as you like.

It may not have been pizza, but it was very, very good.

Where'd you find that? I think I need some, and I've got just 10 more months in Japan to get some!!

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Prepare to be horrified:

Weirdest toppings video

And for some fun, check out these demented pizza ads from Japan. 

Those pizza ads are so, uh...Japanese. Hilarious.

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Sorry for the delay. I'm like a squirrel and forgot my own post!!

Can't recall its name, but it was the Italian restaurant on the top floor of Isetan in Shinjuku 3-chome.

Hope you get a chance to try it.

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I had a pizza recently that was topped with garlicy roasted pork loin, carmalized onions, a bit of mozzarella, and after it came out of the oven it was topped with arugula and parmesagn cheese. Others might find that to be an "obomination," but me and my friends sure did devour every single bite! It was delicious.

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