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I'm a fraud


Fat Guy
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I know it says "Kitchen", but can we include FOH?

My favorite is pretending to adjust the thermostat after a guest says it's too hot or cold. Come back in 5 minutes and "is it starting to get a little hotter/colder?". Has NEVER not worked, except for the times when the heat/ac was actually not working properly.

Sandy Levine
The Oakland Art Novelty Company

sandy@TheOaklandFerndale.com www.TheOaklandFerndale.com

www.facebook.com/ArtNoveltyCompany twitter: @theoakland

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I have a fancy tin of high-end instant coffee which I keep refilling with the jumbo-sized generic stuff. When its time for instant coffee (eg. rushing into the car at 7am) I see my travel mug as purely a caffeine delivery device.

Peter Gamble aka "Peter the eater"

I just made a cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing. . .

Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with spam? . . .

Would you believe a rat filled with cough drops?

Moe Sizlack

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I use premixed curry powder, premixed taco seasoning, canned cream of soup, and sugar free pudding mixes (as bases for desserts).

I'm not sure I'm a fraud because I freely and cheerfully admit to doing so.

Marcia.

Don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he wanted...he lived happily ever after. -- Willy Wonka

eGullet foodblog

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I am shocked, I tell you shocked!!!  You guys totally suck.

Does using canned corn count?

There's nothing wrong with a little canned corn, especially when it is February.

Canned potatoes however is a different story - who buys those things? There should be some form of punishment for purchasing the ideal storeable food in can form - some kind of grocery jail. Mind you I've never had them - they're probably delicious.

Peter Gamble aka "Peter the eater"

I just made a cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing. . .

Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with spam? . . .

Would you believe a rat filled with cough drops?

Moe Sizlack

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while it may not make me a fraud, it's one of my most shameful kitched experiences to date. Last month I made a recipe from 30 minute meals..... and LIKED it!!!

"In a perfect world, cooks who abuse fine cutlery would be locked in a pillory and pelted with McNuggets."

- Anthony Bourdain

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I occasionally wimp out and use a can of baked beans. The big blue and red can that says B & B.

And I'm not above using a can of black beans. I like the Mexican brand with the yellow label but can't recall the name. (I can picture the can but none of the text, except for the frijoles negro, describing the contents which contains much less water than "domestic" brands.)

I don't have any in the pantry at the moment though. (I looked.)

I also keep a few boxes of cake mix in the pantry for emergencies.

:rolleyes:

"There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!" Terry Pratchett

 

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. . .

Canned potatoes however is a different story - who buys those things? There should be some form of punishment for purchasing the ideal storeable food in can form - some kind of grocery jail. Mind you I've never had them - they're probably delicious.

I BUY THESE THINGS, Peter. :biggrin: In a pinch they make passable Danish glazed potatoes! They have to be a decent brand (Del Monte here) and you have to rinse them thoroughly before use. Drained, dried and rolled around in sugar and butter to carmelize they become edible. I can get away with it occasionally when time is short or there are no small potatoes in the house.

I confess to canned rosebud beets, too. Once again they are an emergency back up that I can quickly pickle. When the home made beet pickles run out and I have forgotten to replace them I heat up the remaining pickle solution and pour it over the rinsed canned beets and in a couple of days have "pickled beets" an absolute essential in this house. I am now off to do penance.

Anna Nielsen aka "Anna N"

...I just let people know about something I made for supper that they might enjoy, too. That's all it is. (Nigel Slater)

"Cooking is about doing the best with what you have . . . and succeeding." John Thorne

Our 2012 (Kerry Beal and me) Blog

My 2004 eG Blog

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Two months ago I would have had nothing to add here, but since I've bene living in France I've found so many delicious prepared foods that there's no reason to resist them. I'd never pass them off as homemade, though.

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Cheats in my store cupboard:

Tinned tomatoes (San Marzano)

Heinz tomato soup (for the cook)

Heinz Tomato ketchup

Tinned beans (Baked but also butterbean and haricot. Much easier than starting from dried)

Kosher Parve vegetarian chicken soup powder, Surprisingly good. (for emergencies and for those with beliefs)

Canned corn

Filo and puff pastry

Canned croissant dough (great for minis for appetisers)

Vitamin C powder (for bread dough)

Dried skimmed milk powder (soft breads and also sausages)

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Cheats in my store cupboard:

Tinned tomatoes (San Marzano)

Heinz tomato soup (for the cook)

Heinz Tomato ketchup

Tinned beans (Baked but also butterbean and haricot. Much easier than starting from dried)

Kosher Parve vegetarian chicken soup powder, Surprisingly good. (for emergencies and for those with beliefs)

Canned corn

Filo and puff pastry

Canned croissant dough (great for minis for appetisers)

Vitamin C powder (for bread dough)

Dried skimmed milk powder (soft breads and also sausages)

Not being a baker I don't understand the relevance of the Vitamin C powder, but what would be the alternative? make your own :blink:

And life is definitely too short to make your own puff pastry, never mind filo!

My cheats are also tinned beans and pulses, jarred tom yam paste, Mae ploy thai curry pastes and most shamefully - tinned corned beef (occasionaly used along with the tinned beans to make my famous storecupboard chili, which is probably enough to get me banned from the state of Texas for life...)

I love animals.

They are delicious.

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Thank heavens for living in Spain, where canned corn is the norm. :biggrin:

My cheats:

I don't sift the dry ingredients when I bake

I used pre-roasted red peppers (I have a vitroceramic stove, roasting red peppers is a pain in the ass)

I make a salad that has canned tuna, canned corn...and CANNED PINEAPPLE in it. Sounds disgusting. Is delish.

K

Basil endive parmesan shrimp live

Lobster hamster worchester muenster

Caviar radicchio snow pea scampi

Roquefort meat squirt blue beef red alert

Pork hocs side flank cantaloupe sheep shanks

Provolone flatbread goat's head soup

Gruyere cheese angelhair please

And a vichyssoise and a cabbage and a crawfish claws.

--"Johnny Saucep'n," by Moxy Früvous

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Vit C powder (Ascorbic acid) is a dough improver. You use very small amounts, around 75ppm and it is a permitted additive. It acts as a oxidising agent helping gluten development, especially when using freshly milled flour, and gives a more tolerant dough.

A purist, however would say that true artisanal breas should contain only flour, water, yeast and salt.

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Bottled ginger. Sometimes I'll mince or grate my own but sometimes I'm lazy about it.

Also, with bottled you don't get the "cat hair" effect.

Jarred roasted peppers.

Velveeta for my mac and cheese

Trader Joes frozen garlic. There was a time when I was having a hard time finding a decent head of garlic.

I also bought the frozen basil, cilantro and parsley but I've never used them.

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And life is definitely too short to make your own puff pastry, never mind filo!

Isn't this the heart of the matter?

Almost all these confessions are time and/or energy savers. Life is too short for . . . lots of things. I once made a passable puff pastry which was a big deal for me since its beyond my normal culinary comfort zone. Now I have no problems buying the frozen stuff. If I had to make all the mayo and ketchup I eat from scratch, well, that would be a problem.

Anna N, I'm buying some canned potatoes this week!

Peter Gamble aka "Peter the eater"

I just made a cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing. . .

Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with spam? . . .

Would you believe a rat filled with cough drops?

Moe Sizlack

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I buy generic Mac n Cheese by the case in the Costco-like store.

tracey

The great thing about barbeque is that when you get hungry 3 hours later....you can lick your fingers

Maxine

Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

"It is the government's fault, they've eaten everything."

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i've heard rumors that my grandfather continually poured smirnoff into an empty bottle of grey goose for when he had company.

Sandy Levine
The Oakland Art Novelty Company

sandy@TheOaklandFerndale.com www.TheOaklandFerndale.com

www.facebook.com/ArtNoveltyCompany twitter: @theoakland

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Cheats in my store cupboard:

Tinned tomatoes (San Marzano)

Heinz Tomato ketchup

Vitamin C powder (for bread dough)

Dried skimmed milk powder (soft breads and also sausages)

I think you may be stretching the boundaries of what a cheat is. Canned tomatoes quite often are a much better choice than what's available fresh. Ketchup is a condiment. Yes, I know it's used as an ingredient too but I don't think buying ketchup is committing a fraud. Buying vitamin C powder and dry milk powder are definitely not cheats, how else would you get them?

My worst offense to date... when we first added catering as a side venture at work I would often use boxed cake mixes and pile on fresh made buttercream to disguise it. I no longer do that though.

It's kinda like wrestling a gorilla... you don't stop when you're tired, you stop when the gorilla is tired.

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