Catering to Guests' Food Preferences

[racheld]

I've always said Jaymes could nail Jello to the wall.

Accommodating guests is one thing, and I stretch "gracious hostess" to its extreme outer limits, no matter what the provocation, but one "EWWWW" from an adult at our table would earn lifetime banishment, with no dessert. Cold Nellie Olesen stares and silence would greet such an exclamation, with a distinct chill on the air directed toward the rude one for the rest of the evening.

I'd much rather entertain bores, blow-hards, buffoons, and even have fond memories of the extremely talented concert pianist whose after-dinner magic at the keyboard belied his over-consumption of pre-dinner drinks, resulting in his slow collapse, face in plate. After he returned from the powder room with the corn removed from his eyebrows, he was brilliant.

And I like him much better than above Entitled Daughter, sight unseen.

[Jaymes]

After he returned from the powder room with the corn removed from his eyebrows, he was brilliant.

And thanks for the compliment.

[Gastro888]

Bottom line - is the mom worth all this b.s. from the daughter? If so, then proceed to accomodate the daughter. And get ready to do it for the rest of the relationship.

If not, make sure the meat's extra rare so that it oozes blood when you're cutting it in from of the 23 YO brat.

Not like I have an evil streak or anything.

[jgm]

I think one of the challenges here is deciding how to behave toward this daughter. Her demands and pickiness are BS. However. . .

Even though stuff like this makes me crazy, I do try to make myself calm down and decide how I want to handle it. And when I'm able to do that, I remember a beloved teacher's admonishment that our behavior should be governed by who we are, not by what we think others deserve.

So what I think you should do, is do as Mr. Rogov suggested, and be absolutely lovely about making sure she's treated well. But that doesn't have to mean changing your plans. As others have suggested, you can either have enough sides that she can be well-fed even if she doesn't eat the beef, or cook something especially for her. I think you should inquire about what she'd like. Perhaps a couple of her favorite vegetables would be enough, or maybe she'll have a suggestion for an entree. Then do what you want with the rest of the meal. She is accommodated, but she does not control.

The result? You will have treated the daughter well and made her feel treasured, which will win you points with the mom, and you will have done your thing the way you want to do it. Trust me: you will not regret it. It is never a mistake to treat someone well, especially, as Mr. Rogov suggested, when they are a guest in your home.

I know this situation is maddening. It pisses me off when people pull crap like this. But she's young, and trying to figure out who she is -- still. People likely did this for you, in some other way, when you were young. If I may tell a story. . . I once had a "little sister" through Big Brothers/Big Sisters, who, at the end of every outing, would sulk and pout because I was taking her home. No matter how much fun we'd had, it was never enough. Sometimes she just threw a fit. I tried to teach this 8-year-old that her behavior was unacceptable, and that I didn't have to take her anywhere, and it would be nice if she appreciated what I did do for her. We tangled over this for weeks. Finally, during one such especially heated tangle, she burst into tears and said "I don't care! I just don't want to go home! Everybody yells at me and my brother kicks me and my dad hits me all the time. I don't care what we do. Just don't take me home!" What I'd thought was spoiled-brat ungratefulness was child abuse. From then on, I did less lecturing and more listening.

Make this young woman feel treasured, even though she's being a pain in the ass. Do what you want to do, but accommodate her. It's a win-win thing. Trust me on this one.

[petite tête de chou]

I think one of the challenges here is deciding how to behave toward this daughter.  Her demands and pickiness are BS.  However. . .

Even though stuff like this makes me crazy, I do try to make myself calm down and decide how I want to handle it.  And when I'm able to do that, I remember a beloved teacher's admonishment that our behavior should be governed by who we are, not by what we think others deserve.

So what I think you should do, is do as Mr. Rogov suggested, and be absolutely lovely about making sure she's treated well.  But that doesn't have to mean changing your plans.  As others have suggested, you can either have enough sides that she can be well-fed even if she doesn't eat the beef, or cook something especially for her.  I think you should inquire about what she'd like.  Perhaps a couple of her favorite vegetables would be enough, or maybe she'll have a suggestion for an entree.  Then do what you want with the rest of the meal.  She is accommodated, but she does not control.

The result?  You will have treated the daughter well and made her feel treasured, which will win you points with the mom, and you will have done your thing the way you want to do it.  Trust me:  you will not regret it.  It is never a mistake to treat someone well, especially, as Mr. Rogov suggested, when they are a guest in your home. 

I know this situation is maddening.  It pisses me off when people pull crap like this.  But she's young, and trying to figure out who she is -- still.  People likely did this for you, in some other way, when you were young.  If I may tell a story. . . I once had a "little sister" through Big Brothers/Big Sisters, who, at the end of every outing, would sulk and pout because I was taking her home. No matter how much fun we'd had, it was never enough. Sometimes she just threw a fit.  I tried to teach this 8-year-old that her behavior was unacceptable, and that I didn't have to take her anywhere, and it would be nice if she appreciated what I did do for her.  We tangled over this for weeks.  Finally, during one such especially heated tangle, she burst into tears and said "I don't care!  I just don't want to go home!  Everybody yells at me and my brother kicks me and my dad hits me all the time.  I don't care what we do.  Just don't take me home!"  What I'd thought was spoiled-brat ungratefulness was child abuse.  From then on, I did less lecturing and more listening.

Make this young woman feel treasured, even though she's being a pain in the ass.  Do what you want to do, but accommodate her. It's a win-win thing.  Trust me on this one.

←

Absolutely true! Yay!

[Scargo]

Wow! Almost all I can say is wow...

I never imagined that this might provoke such a response. Some of you are so incredibly intuitive about what is going on that either you are a psychologist or should be one. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses.

So here's the deal:

I have carte blanche in the kitchen (and most of the house) and I get pretty much whatever I want. I do the food and wine shopping. I cook about six nice meals a week and about five lunches, usually improvising from leftovers. We eat well.

The mom is hot. We've been together over five years. The last thing I want to do is get on her bad side. We understand that the "spoiling" is detrimental to both kids (and us) but mom has been trying to make up for some earlier parenting miss-steps. She is now trying to not cave and gratify their every whim and be an enabler. She is improving. I have to learn not to make such a big deal of these somewhat minor things, when they occur. I grew up poor, with three brothers and a sister. My mom raised all five of us, by herself, after my dad died at 45 YO. I was eight. I was cooking and pretty self-sufficient at nine. When Chris said there seems to be more afoot; he was right. One of my hot buttons: I have a tough time with spoiled brats.

How did it go? My SO picked up some Bell and Evans chicken breasts. I grilled the chicken breasts after marinating them in yogurt, chipotle pepper, cumin and coriander. I made plenty so people could try both main dishes. I have a vegetable and a herb garden so we had carrots, fennel, onion and my freshly made tomato sauce (with red wine and herbs) in the braised sirloin dish. Plain, baked beets with butter and sauteed yellow squash with chicken stock, lemon thyme and curly parsley on top. Steamed potatoes with green beans and lastly-sliced tomatoes. Everything from the garden. We topped that off with apple pie (using my own apples) and vanilla ice cream. We had a great time and I think everyone thought it was a great meal.

Both kids were 40-45 minutes late, as usual, so I didn't grill or finish many of the dishes till I saw the whites of their eyes. The daughter was the sweetest she has ever been. It was truly amazing. She and BF brought a great cheesecake and two bottles of wine. I even got a hug! She was even very loving to my dog (which she is usally cool to). She explained that her girlfriend had lost weight by eliminating fatty red meats from her diet. This is something new she is trying, though she is not overweight. Perhaps this is serendipitous; could it be that she is a nicer person since she has stopped eating red meat?!?

What did set me off was when the 27 YO son wanted the chicken cooked more. Mom explained later that he has a "once I got sick on raw chicken" thing and wants all meat well cooked. I said to him, "don't eat it", but it wasn't going back on the grill. Everyone loved it! It was a great party and I ended up winning $30 off the son, who wanted to wager, and had to prove he was a better pool player than me.

I think I have gained a lot of insight from the comments here and will handle things a little differently from now on, especially the planning and preparation, so I have less risk of getting into this kind of bind in the future. Thanks again.

[kbjesq]

Thanks for reporting back and congratulations on such a wonderful evening.

At this point all I can say is, I wish I was invited to your house for that dinner. It sounds over the top. Job well done! And you even made $30, to boot. That's hilarious.

[Gastro888]

Well done! I'm glad that things went well. Sounds like you had a great dinner!

[jgm]

One thing I'm noticing... especially about myself... is that we who are "into" food see it as a performance and a creative expression. Which it is. But it's also a part of welcoming guests into our home and sharing with them.

I'm certainly guilty of cooking for myself, when I should be thinking more of my guests. In fact, I do it all the time, even though I say, as I said above, that we really should be all about making our guests feel welcome. If I have to alter my menu or my plans because someone doesn't eat certain things, I really really get irritated. I forget all about hospitality. And if someone should show up with an uninvited guest, I have to wrestle with myself to get myself to behave. Graciousness does not come naturally to me in those situations.

Of course it's an inconvenience to the host when those things happen, and it needs to be a two-way street; we all should strive to be both good guests and good hosts.

Thanks, Scargo, for giving me an opportunity to explore my thoughts on what this is all about. We do have this kind of conversation around holiday time, when we foodies want to make balsamic-truffle-almond-prune-oyster stuffing (you get the idea) and the rest of the family just wants Grandma's simple stuffing, the way they've always had it. We have to stop and remember that family gatherings are about family enjoying being together, with food as the backdrop; and not about putting on an incredible spread that feeds our own souls, and in some instances, our egos. I guess I really just need to find a 'gourmet' supper club, so we can all revel in our foodie obsessions, and I can be content to be a good host for my family and friends.

Truth be told, I'm actually not very good at taking my own advice.

[Kouign Aman]

grilled the chicken breasts after marinating them in yogurt, chipotle pepper, cumin and coriander

That sounds very good, nice and bright. I'm lousy at grilling chicken - how come the yogurt doesnt burn?

You win my gracious host and the teamwork-with-partner award for the week, in making enough for everyone, under these particular circumstances.

Cumin and coriander - if you can garnish with the tiny white flowers, the only part of the plant still to work in there are the roots.

[Scargo]

Yes, it's a performance of sorts for me, too. This is a series of hot buttons I forgot. I can cook something wonderful, just for myself (and occasionaly have) but why, when you can entertain and wow people. I am thrilled when my SO uses the term "restaurant quality" or "better than I've had in a restaurant".... or a guest says this is the best "X" I've ever tasted! This is my highest compliment from her or others since we have had some really excellent meals out; here in New Haven, NYC, Dallas, Boston, Seattle, etc. I usually bone-up on Egullet before we go. I may sound self–aggrandizing but I enjoy cooking and as a person who is an artist and has always worked with my hands, and as a man who has always cooked, I consider cooking art. Performance art is certainly an occasional factor. I may work hard for half a day or more preparing a meal, if only for two. When someone wolfs down my food, I am annoyed. When they season it without tasting, I am aggrivated. When they arrive late, I am dismayed. It is also an art to bring everything together at the same moment in time and have it all cooked properly.

I usually put out my best effort, so it is a challenge for me to calmly accept the consequences, regardless of whether my effort is appreciated or acknowleged.

The yogurt doesn't burn because there is only a thin coating of it when it goes on the grill and I keep the heat down on the grill in the area where the chicken is laying. A new thing for me is to garnish with (large seed) "pearls" from large, over-ripe okra.

Edited August 29, 2007 by Scargo (log)

[Terrasanct]

Geez, you could cook for me any time, and I won't complain about a thing!