Family Mealtime Guilt

[bergerka]

I grew up with, enjoyed and looked forward to family dinners, but mine was and is an unusually close family (and I won't say we didn't have our share of harrowing meals! ). To this day, the brothers and sisters who live close to my parents will just stop in for dinner on a regular (weekly or more) basis, or invite them over.

My boyfriend has his two kids (ages 3 and almost-5) a couple of times a week and various weekends during the month. They seem to handle dinner a little differently in Spain, or at least in this family, the small kids get fed first (but the grownups are present, participating and talking to the kids. The tale of José the Noodle is very popular), then the grownups eat, with occasional "GIVE IT BACK! MINE!! PAPA!!!!!" interruptions.

I think it's more about the participation than the actual eating, myself.

K

[hjshorter]

My boyfriend has his two kids (ages 3 and almost-5) a couple of times a week and various weekends during the month.  They seem to handle dinner a little differently in Spain, or at least in this family, the small kids get fed first (but the grownups are present, participating and talking to the kids.  The tale of José the Noodle is very popular), then the grownups eat, with occasional "GIVE IT BACK!  MINE!!  PAPA!!!!!" interruptions.

That's how it works in our family much of the time. Kids usually want dinner far earlier than is civilized.

I should add that part of my blase attitude towards family dinners is because we are at home with the kids all day long - I'm a stay-at-home mother, and my husband works at home. We're very lucky in that we don't have to worry about not having enough family time.

[Carrot Top]

My blase attitude towards not scheduling family dinners is not only because I see the kids so much but also just because I prefer the sense of having the day unfold as it will, to a point.

Schedules are such demanding and difficult things, with one thing arguing against another for each time slot, when one tries to use them. I *can* use schedules, and naturally did at various times in life - not only for personal/business things but also in terms of scheduling everything it takes BOH and sometimes FOH to make hundreds of meals come out of the kitchen each day - but I don't like to "schedule" unless it's really required.

Plus I'd rather cook a bit here and there, nibble a bit here and there, rather than have a whole bunch of stuff landing on the table at the same time (which is sort of part of the family dinner thing - the expanse of food provided). Cooking is just plain too much like "work" to me when approached this way. I'd rather have a sort of organic (not the food but the mood) flow to the both the day and the foods we eat (or the foods we dine upon, again depending on what happens. We do both. ).

But I have discovered a latent ambivalency to the idea of the Family Dinner in myself, and this is core, of course. For those who have had good experiences with the thing will most naturally want to try to continue it, of course . . .and those who have not will either try to continue it out of still trying to find the things it provides when it is good, or will just sort of say "You don't fit me well, Family Dinner" as I have done.

Both my two best friends when I was growing up had Family Dinners. They happened when the fathers came home from work, and lots of times I was there. The food was to be ready at a certain time, the mothers prepared it. Everything was set, and the family convened (I say convened because at both places it had that sense rather than a sense of gathering) to the table. Everyone ate, there was not much conversation of any sort really though the feeling was not terrible, the father sat at the head of the table and was usually a bit distant, and everyone tried to say "May I be excused" as soon as possible. It was sort of wierd.

My own mother served our family (myself and her) our Family Dinner at a regular hour each evening. She would cook something because she knew she was supposed to, not out of any love of cooking, and we would sit there - her silent as usual and me with a book in front of my face as usual. It was a nonenity of a Family Dinner, though it was scheduled and food was there.

But worst of all in my memory, and this is what might be at the back of some hints of my distaste at this concept of "Family Dinner" is that often, when I was growing up, I would hear women saying "Yes, I have to have dinner on the table when my husband gets home from work. He likes it to be ready then." And they would be rushing to be sure this scheduled thing was met, they would not be mostly too happy about it. It was like a job they did not like but had to do "or else".

And then of course I finally met one of these women who made Family Dinners for husband "on time or else" when he was due home from work. She was one of the unlucky ones, for this husband would beat her if the dinner was not set and ready on the table, and as he liked it, when he arrived home. It was not all that many years ago that I met her - she lived in a rural area and had set her life to do this thing of being married and having children, which she had done when very young. Why she didn't have dinner as he liked it when he liked it is an interesting question to pose, but sometimes she didn't. And I would see her black and blue face and hear her say " He didn't get his dinner on time" and my insides would just crumple right up with thinking of this thing of family dinner being used in such a way, but knowing that I'd heard of this before, too often before, but had simply never come face to face with it. The notion of "Family Dinner" had allowed this to happen in these two lives in some odd way. It *could* have been anything else, of course, but this is one traditional thing used. And having seen this with my own eyes, I can never feel the same about The Family Dinner. It is simply not always what it says it is, and forevermore I question it.

If it's worked for you, you are blessed. I imagine that it was one of many tools used in the family structure that worked, because of the underlying strengths of the family. If it's worked for you, if it were me, I'd give it a big kiss and consider myself lucky. But I think it is a thing of many faces, not just the one face that looks out benignly upon the world that says "I am Family Dinner. Schedule me into your life and things will be as they should be."

[scubadoo97]

The biggest obstacle to the family meal was my daughter's dance schedule. She danced 6 days a week. She is 18 now and just finished her last competition and recital although she is still taking classes and assisting in teaching dance until she goes off the college. It was important that we try to eat together and it was easier for me to adjust my schedule to hers. We usually eat between 7:30-9:00 PM when she gets home. A little late for me but it allows us to spend time together. My son now 20, never had such a demanding schedule. In our busy lives we don't get too much time to spend with one another. This is the only time where we are together as a family each day. Selfishly I enjoy feeding them and seeing the look of satisfaction on their faces when they are enjoying one of my meals. I got a kick out of a comment my daughter threw at me. She said when she is at her friends house she finds it weird to see the moms and not the dads cooking dinner. One should not feel guilty for not having dinner together. We all interact in different ways and there is too much to worry about in life than this.

[tejon]

I love our family dinners. It's the one reliable time each day that we're all in the same place at the same time and only interacting with each other. Time to touch base with each other and find out what happened during the day. It's a great place to learn table manners, something my 6 and 8 year old are still working on mastering, and it's just plain nice to eat together. All of these things could certainly be accomplished while doing other things - this is simply something that works really well for my family.

[jumanggy]

It's been really great reading your family customs. I can't remember when we stopped eating as a family-- we seemed to start getting hungry at different times, plus traffic meant my mom couldn't come back from the office in time (my father did the cooking when I was younger). It didn't affect me much if at all I think, but I'm hard-pressed to find a 20 year-old who has never tried alcohol. (side story: I had a reunion with my high school friends, and since I'm the one who hates the inebriation that results from drinking, I was less likely to drink. Even at 25y/o they still treat me like I'm 15-- pushing shots on me. I said, "Peer pressure? Really?").

But there has been a lot of talk when I was in college of being "boarders in your own home" (I can't remember from where I heard that). I think if the guilt is starting to get to you but the hectic schedules can't be avoided, cooking for your family in advance (instead of the cookie/ pizza/ protein bar route) would be a step towards alleviating the guilt. Even if there's no good memories about sitting together, there'll always be memories of Mom's/ Dad's awesome cooking. I can tell I sound naive.

[Rebecca263]

I think that 'variety is the spice of life' holds true here. We eat our meals together almost all of the time. If people are here at mealtime, the person who is in the kitchen first calls out "Breakfast/lunch in [insert time frame here]!" and someone else sets the table and we all eat together. Dinner is usually a more planned meal that we really like to make a mess over. My daughter likes to make centerpieces for the table to this day, and she also enjoys 'cocktail hour' with juice and some small appetizer. Seriously, we're very casual, but we eat appetizers almost every night! I certainly don't believe that our eating meals together does anything but assist us in our obsession with all things edible, and the fun in sharing. The rest of the societal mumbo jumbo is just that, in my book.