Sorry it took me so long to get back and write a report. Here’s how it went down...... I kinda cheated a little bit here and there on my theme with the food. I could have gotten hot dogs from the 99 cent store but my intentions were to make her giggle, not kill her. ;-) I wore old ripped jeans, a white tank top, the loudest and tackiest cheap necktie I could find tucked under the shirt, a baseball cap on backwards and 99 cent store flip flop sandals. For three days, I went without shaving. I looked like a dressed up version of the criminals on the police tv show “Cops”. I wanted to get an obnoxiously tasteless tablecloth but couldn’t find one. My second choice was setting down valentines day newspaper ads in red with hearts all over. Couldn’t find those either. I turned a few Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans into rather attractive votive candle holders and had a taper candle in a brown beer bottle. I tried to find sporks (the plastic combination of a fork and spoon in one) but couldn’t find those either. Napkins of course were tacky printed paper towels. I also offered a bib made from a 99 cent store plastic bag. The TV is connected to the computer, so I put on a fireplace screensaver. Other candles were lit around the house. On the table, I had a tin bucket with USC’s logo printed on the side (her school) and filled with ice. The bubbly selection was Andre California Champagne ($3) with a screw-cork and sporting a USC beer cozy. Surprisingly, the Andre wasn’t completely bad but certainly not Schramsburg. I also had a Tinkerbell gift bag (Her favorite Disney character). In the bag, I had a pair of hideous pink leopard print flip-flop shoes and a plastic tiara with a heart on it that lit up so she could dress the part. Since I haven’t given her a ring yet, I got her a candy ring pop. (commitment lasts about 200 licks) I also included a pair of “Love Cuffs”, red plastic fuzzy handcuffs. It’s amazing what you can find at the 99 cent store. We never used the “Love Cuffs” but discovered that they make a great cat toy. ;-) When she arrived, I had “Dueling Banjos” playing on iTunes followed by the sappiest love songs I could find. Later, the playlist moved into better tunes and a bit of barbershop quartet. I scribbled the menu on the back of a fake arrest report and decorated it with hearts. Of course, the title was “Hold On To My Beer... I’m Gonna Try Somethin”. On the inside, it said “Men-You”. Here are the courses... Andre’s Broken Heart Cocktail – Plastic Champagne glasses filled with Pop-Rocks (for extra fizz) and crushed heart candies (the kind with little love notes printed on them) topped with Andre sparkling wine. Surprisingly tasty. Franzia Red “Chillable” Box of Wine – This was served in mason jars. She always makes fun of box wine but neither of us can remember actually trying it. This turned out to validate our suspicions. It tasted like a mix of Kool-Aid and fruit juice that had been left in the summer sun for a few weeks. Needs more “inner tube” aroma. Interesting that it notes on the box “Table Wine with Natural Flavors”. Not sure what that means. Jerk Tarts con Whiz – I wanted to rehydrate beef jerky and wrap it around pieces of apple. The beef jerky I got wasn’t long enough so I had to improvise. I put pieces of apple between pieces of jerky and filled the edges with Bacon Flavored Cheese Whiz (spray can cheese) then I heated it up on a mini cast iron skillet. Shockingly yummy. Fwah Graw O-Torch-On de Spam Avek Bull-Burst Sauce – I treated canned Spam kinda like foie gras au torchon. I rinsed it to get rid of as much salt as I could and then poached it in butter. Next, I sculpted it into heart shapes and seared it. The sauce recipe I borrowed from Mario Batali who stole it from another chef. Melt a package and a half of original Starburst fruit chew candy with one can of Red Bull (carbonated energy drink). Again, surprisingly good. We will definitely make the sauce again. Napoleon Duh Weenie – My goal was to deconstruct a hot dog and reconstruct it in a gourmet fashion. I seared a hot dog on my cast iron skillet and sliced it into thin disks. Using a tin can from Campbell’s Tomato Soup, I cut circles of Wonder Bread. I mixed ketchup and mustard separately with powdered methylcellulose to create a hot firm gel and cut it into circles with the can. I cut a sweet white onion in a circle as well. Next, I layered all of the circles, including the slices of hot dog, into a tower (napoleon). On top I made a heart with Cheese Whiz and filled it with ketchup spheres or “caviar” made with sodium alginate, sodium citrate, and calcium chloride. I placed a swoosh of a relish gel on the plate made by pureeing sweet pickle relish, straining it, adding agar agar, heating it, letting it set, and then pureeing once again. This had a touch of irony. I cheated and got decent hot dogs made from good organic meat with no chemicals... and then used a bunch of molecular gastronomy chemicals. Many giggles. Lemon, Lime, and Basil Slurpee – We needed a palette cleanser. My girlfriend gave me a toy Slurpee machine for Christmas a year ago. I love Slurpees from 7-11. It’s basically a slushy beverage made with a soft drink or juice. I made one using Sprite soda infused with fresh basil. Oddly, it worked quite well and revitalized our taste buds for the next courses to come. Padded Thighs and Ramen with Flamin Hot Cheeto Love Nuggets – This was a spin on Pad Thai. I made it with a package of Hot & Spicy Top Ramen noodles (20 cents!), julienned green onions, carrots, red bell peppers, chopped peanuts (airline size package), bean sprouts, and cilantro. The sauce was made from peanut butter, a bit of dark chocolate, and some other stuff already in the kitchen (hoisin, honey, red wine vinegar, ginger, garlic, sesame oil, soy sauce, Sour Sriracha, oyster sauce, etc.) I added sliced up microwave chicken nuggets and plated it on a bed of blanched arugala. I topped it with powdered Flaming Hot Cheetos and had a lime wedge on the side. It was served with pink bendy straws instead of chopsticks. We giggled a bit before running to get a fork. The dish was a success. Convenience Luv On Fire With Chocolate Tang Sauce – This was more about the flambee spectacle than anything else. I soaked Twinkies in dark rum. My thought to set it on fire came from bananas foster. I sauteed butter, brown sugar, cinnamon, and allspice. Just before plating, I added more rum and lit it on fire. It burned for a short bit but the flames were too blue to photograph. Strangely, the Twinkie was not charred at all. This goes back to the theory that Twinkies are made of asbestos. I served this with a surprisingly good chocolate sauce using Hershey’s and Orange Tang powdered drink mix. Truck Stop Truffles – Finely powdered Oreos blended with cream cheese and then dipped in chocolate. These were surprisingly easy and tasty. So to further complicate things, I finished them off 8 different ways. Rolled in Cocoa Powder – Kinda standard truffle. Drizzled White Chocolate – Again, kinda normal but good. Rolled in Nutella Powder – I made the powder by mixing Nutella with Tapioca Maltodextrin. Very good! Rolled in Walnut Powder – Pureed walnuts also mixed with Tapioca Maltodextrin. Rolled in Malted Milk Powder – Like an inside out malted milk ball. Rolled in Flaming Hot Cheeto Dust – Great red color but... Well it sounded good on paper at 1am. Rolled in Orange Tang Powder – Good enough for the astronauts. This was awesome! Topped with Honey Granules – Looked great and added a sugary crunch. I topped the pile o truffles with 2 pink Marshmallow “Peeps” birds kissing. Bonus points for being extra sappy. Well, the dinner was a success. She laughed the whole night. Almost everything tasted great and was a bit of a surprise to us both. I think it was proven that it’s possible to great meal without foie gras, kobe beef, and truffles. However, we had to throw out the box wine. After all that, the kitchen was a disastrophe! I wish I had a biohazard suit. Thanks to everyone for all the suggestions! Not sure how to post pictures here but I posted some on chowhound http://www.chowhound.com/topics/487063
