69 replies to this topic

[jaybee]

We have been close friends with a couple for many years.  For quite a few years we invited them to our home for many, many weekends that included breakfasts, lunches and dinners. Summer barbeques, winter feasts, holiday parties, casual weekends. Never were these invitations reciprocated by an invitation to dinner in the city.  Rarely, if ever was an offer made to share the cost of the food.  After several years of this, I suggested we share the cost of meals, which was immediately accepted.  Several years ago, our friends purchased a weekend home and I thought, now we'll be invited for cookouts, etc.  With rare exception, this has not happened. Rarely, if ever, do they host anyone, yet they are constantly invited to others' homes.  I really like the people, but am irritated by the lack of reciprocation. I finally stopped inviting them, except one or two annual holiday parties. I'd like to know if others have had similar experiences and what was done, besides grimace and bear it.

[cabrales]

jaybee -- If you feel inclined, please consider whether responding to the following questions is worthwhile:

(1) When this couple joined you at your weekend home, would they not bring a gift (incl. a food/wine item)?
(2) Is this couple's vacation home roughly about as far from their/your home as your vacation home?
(3) Does this couple appear particularly thrifty, anti-social towards others or greedy to you? Do they appear to be spending money on themselves (e.g., buying themselves lavish dinners in the city)?
(4) Do you think the couple places a high value on your friendship?
(5) Apart from asking for proportionate bearing of food costs, have you hinted to the couple your dissatisfaction with the situation? If not, why not, from your perspective?

[jaybee]

jaybee -- If you feel inclined, please consider whether responding to the following questions is worthwhile:
(1) When this couple joined you at your weekend home, would they not bring a gift (incl. a food/wine item)?
(2) Is this couple's vacation home roughly about as far from their/your home as your vacation home?
(3) Does this couple appear particularly thrifty, anti-social towards others or greedy to you? Do they appear to be spending money on themselves (e.g., buying themselves lavish dinners in the city)?
(4) Do you think the couple places a high value on your friendship?
(5) Apart from asking for proportionate bearing of food costs, have you hinted to the couple your dissatisfaction with the situation? If not, why not, from your perspective?

All excellent and well put questions, Cabrales:
1.  Rarely, until recent years when I overtly suggsted sharing cost of food.  Since then, all the time.
2.  Yes, it is very close.
3.  They spend quite generously on themselves, eating out quite frequently, if not "lavishly" certainly quite well.
4.  Very definitley. They consider us very close, and we, they.
5.  Not directly, as I do not want to insult them.  I have spoken about my lack of enthusiasm for others of our mutual acquaintance who don't reciprocate, to little apparent effect.

[Jinmyo]

Perhaps they just can't cook and are slovenly in the privacy of their own home. While I'm sure, jaybee, from what I know about you from your posts, that the quality of meals presented to guests would be wonderful.

[jaybee]

Perhaps they just can't cook and are slovenly in the privacy of their own home. While I'm sure, jaybee, from what I know about you from your posts, that the quality of meals presented to guests would be wonderful.

Thank you, Jinmyo.  I care a lot about what and how I serve guests.  It gives me great pleasure. That makes it doubley irritating. But they are neither slovenly nor devoid of ability to serve a meal. It is due either to laziness, anxiety, lack of social graces, or a combination of all of the above.  In other respects, they are enjoyable to be with, good humored and interesting conversationalists.

[stellabella]

Perhaps they just can't cook and are slovenly in the privacy of their own home.

my hunch as well, jinmyo.   and then there's the basic truth that marriage [or partnership, or whatever you want to call it], is a mystery.  my husband and i know folks who sometimes won't show up to parties, or one will come without the other.  they are wonderful people but almost never have anyone into their home.  it's disappointing, but it's who they are.

in regards to our friends and the myriad ways they might make us a little crazy, my husband and i just try our best to be a little blind, a little deaf, etc.

[Jinmyo]

Interesting, jaybee. I think that some people derive joy from serving others. Whether in preparing and presenting a fine meal, giving funds to charities, doing charitable work or whatever. Generosity can be so natural to some people that they don't even consider themselves to be generous. Other people simply don't notice what effort is involved all around them to make their lives possible at all. I don't mean misers or greedy people, people who pinch the air when they breathe so that they get a bit more. I mean people who habitually don't notice what other people are really doing, whether at a restaurant or a home, to make a meal possible, let alone delightful.

Reciprocity is the response that generous people naturally make. For others it requires an effort. Others try to avoid it. For others, the idea never really occurs.

I hope your friends are among these last rather than being aware of avoiding reciprocity.  

[stefanyb]

Jay,

My gut reaction to your predicament is that your friends are so impressed with how they are treated when in your home that they can't even imagine how they could reciprocate in kind.  I have actually been in that situation.  If entertaining is not something that you like to do, it becomes a huge undertaking.  Of course, thats not a very good excuse and they should reciprocate in any way they can.

Personally, I think you should actually have a conversation with them.  If the results are bad, well then, so be it.  If you don't approach them in  attack mode you may end up with a stronger relationship.  Either way I don't see that you lose.  Obviously you are not happy being with them as it stands now anyway.

Just my two cents.

SB

PS  Tell them how much you like eGullet and that they should check it out

[jaybee]

Stellabella, Jinmyo,StefanyB, thanks.  I think perhaps there is something to what you say Stefany.  I am so involved with good food, wine, and hospitality.  Most of the people we entertain and who entertain us operate on this level.  I think these people have no experience and/or don't feel comfortable trying to match this level and therefore avoid trying, even though they can well afford to.  I also think there is a degree of selfishness or self involvement that prevents them from thinking about entertaining others.  Just as you say, Jinmyo, they simply don't derive any pleasure from giving pleasure to others.

I wish I could be more like you Stellabella, and turn a blind eye, deaf ear, etc.  That never comes easy to me.  I have cut off from our social lives several other people who are like this, but we have too much else going for me to do that here.  Maybe after a few bottles of vino I'll bring up the subject in, as you suggest Stefany, a non-aggressive way.

[robert brown]

Jay, is there something about your friends that you don't know or don't realize; for example that their apartment isn't suitable for dinner parties (have you been there for other occasions such as cocktails before a restaurant visit); that neither of them cooks; that they don't have the accoutrements for entertaining? In our vacation home we entertain a lot while in our New York apartment we rarely do because it's a small, untouched Art Deco one configured, furnished, decorated and lived in by a designer who didn't care about having a dining room. But when we are invited over to dinner, I always bring wine that is much better than the host would serve. In other words I overcompensate. I am wondering if your friends think they are leveling the playing field in some way. Also, what happens when you go out to eat with them and it comes to bill-paying time?

[AdamLawrence]

The whole reciprocity situation is fraught with difficulties. We have a very close friend who is studying to be an Anglican priest, and as a result is _very_ short of cash. So, inevitably, when we meet up, it's always us who end up paying. I don't mind this at all, but the fact that she automatically assumes we'll pay really irritates me. A while ago, we met for a quick sandwich/espresso lunch and our friend got to the cafe first. She was sat at a table waiting for us to arrive (it was a select your sandwich, go to up to the counter, order a coffee and pay kind of place - not Starbucks but of that ilk). And that really, really got me going. But you can't possibly say anything. And if she offered to split the bill, I'd immediately say 'No no, we'll pay'. I think it's the perception of being taken for a ride rather than the reality that annoys.

On the other hand, she is a superb cook, and we occasionally dine at her place, and eat very well indeed when we do so. (But these dinners are reciprocated by her and her partner dining with us).

In the end, I think you have simply to grin and bear it, if you value a friendship sufficiently. Which is fairly easy for me to do, being an Englishman  

Adam

[tony h]

Is it me or does anyone else get annoyed when couples turn up with one bottle of cheap white but only drink vast quantities of good red?

[jaybee]

Jay, is there something about your friends that you don't know or don't realize

Not really Robert. The issue is more one of attitude or lack of prediliction to entertain others. They can accomodate company for dinner in either their apartment or country home. When eating out, the bill is always split, never an offer to pay.  In fact the ordering is always very "tit for tat" too, never allowing an imbalance in our favor.  I will say that in recent years there is always an offer of "what can we bring" when invited to our place, and a willingness to come with the ingredients for a meal, hors d'ourves, or breakfast.  That makes me feel better.  The more we discuss this here, the less bothered I am becoming.  My inclination, as Adam and others have said, is to simply let go of the desire to change them and accept what is and go on.  There are far worse things in the world to get bothered about.  Well, this has been very therapeutic!  

[tony h]

Jay - the next time they are over make sure the wine flows then say "let's play truth or dare".  

[FriedaL]

Jaybee,
An interesting dilemma you presented and universal. Here, in the south of France, inviting and being invited for meals is a regular thing, without much thought about reciprocity. But now and then there are instances when you wonder about the right thing to do. We have very good friends who regularly invite us, but we seldom return the invitation, because we know that he is happier at home, where he will get the meal to his liking (the list of things he doesn't like goes from here to Rome). So we compensate by bringing the best wines, spring flowers, etc. Then we know a couple like your friends, who always eat here, but never, never, return the favor. Though I love to cook and have people over for a long lunch under the oak trees,  one day it began to bother me. Not so much about the cost, but the general idea. For the next meal I called my friend and invited her to join me for an early-morning shopping trip to the market of Saint-Tropez, to buy the ingredients for the upcoming lunch. We looked at the mussels, inspected the saffran, the vegetables and more. On the way home, we stopped off at a favorite domaine for a couple of bottles. When it came to paying, I sometimes held back and looked at my friend who quickly drew her purse. Later we cooked together and it changed something. We're still waiting for an invitation though..

Frieda

[Robert Schonfeld]

No doubt, having friends, and wanting to keep them, involves compromises, understanding, and a willingness, as Adam Lawrence said, to grin and bear it once in a while.

My wife and I entertain in our small New York City apartment in spite of the problems just because we enjoy doing it. For the several times a year that we have large groups to sit down, we actually convert the living room into a dining room, taking out the furniture, and bringing in a table and chairs. On Thanksgiving, we have a policy of taking in any of our friends - and their friends - who have no place else to go. We've had as many as 20 for this buffet-style setup. It's close quarters, but it's always a lot of fun. My wife will cook for a week, and go the last 48 hours without sleep to offer the best experience she can.

We don't expect our friends to go to the same lengths to reciprocate. Most of them invite us in return, some don't. We don't feel as if we're being taken advantage of because we do what we do because we want to do it. While we might bitch some to each other about the efforts, or lack of them, of some of our friends, we try to take them as they are.

I'm still surprised, though, about the tit-for-tat thing when ordering in restaurants. I never imagined such a thing existed until my wife pointed it out, and, sure enough, there are those times when the other side of the table will match us as close as they can dollarwise. Likewise, there are those who will seemingly order the most expensive items on the menu, just to be sure they're getting their money's worth out of the evening. I never quite got that. I was brought up always to be the first to reach into my pocket.

Anyway, I think that a generous attitude is a gift that should be given with no expectation of something in return. What you may receive in return is also a gift; maybe that's part of the nature of successful friendship.

[tommy]

some people just don't like entertaining.  and others just don't know how.

[Bux]

Well, this has been very therapeutic!

That's what we're here for.

On a more serious note, one of the food professionals I know is also a therapist who has described therapy as the restaurant business without the food.


The restaurant "value matching" subthread is an interesting one. Especially when dining for the first time with new friends, or with people I know are price conscious, I try to aim for the middle of the menu when ordering. If I spot something I really must have at the high end, I have a tendency to announce that early. With old friends or a large group, I tend not to be as self concsious. Wine tends to be the bigger discrepancy anyway. Some of my friends don't drink and others are borderline alcoholics.

[robert brown]

The "one menu for the whole table" requirement is at least good for something.

[Rachel Perlow]

Wow, just saw this thread and it already seems to be concluding. But, therapy-like, I have something I need to get off my chest. Most of the time, when going out with other couples, we split down the middle and money is never an issue.

However, Jason and I frequently go to restaurants with a single person. Generally, we put the bill on our credit card and that person pays 1/3 in cash to us. However, the onus is always on me to check the bill and announce how much is owed. The last few times we've been out, I haven't specifically done this and the person seems perfectly content to go home without paying their portion of the bill. When this happens the next time out I will mention that they still owe us for the previous time out. Occasionally, if they owed us for dinner, and the next time out is lunch, it works out so that they'll pay for lunch completely and it balances out.

All I want is for them to be the one to initiate the money exchange occasionally, asking "what's my share?" or something. Is that so wrong?

[ckbklady]

Jaybee, as you have been close friends with this couple for several years, you are undoubtedly quite fond of them for more than just making dinner plans. You are right that it is unfortunate and awkward that they do not see the discrepancy in their dining habits, but they undoubtedly offer you something other than that, like companionship and shared interests and surely a good laugh or two along the way. I am (as I usually am) in agreement with stellabella - a blind eye or ear would be of great comfort to you, because it would free you to see what it is otherwise that you like so much about them- they are surely much more than non-reciprocating diners to you, they are your friends of many years.  That is not to say that a light-hearted and playful, "So when are you having us by for dinner?" would not be inappropriate here, unless you are too attached to the answer. I say just try to love the other things that they DO do for you.

As for couples matching the cost of their menu orders I have never seen it - doesn't everyone go Dutch? I would be interested to hear from Bux and Robert Schonfeld about the circumstances of such events. Are they corporate dinners, expense account dinners, special celebrations? Robert's experience of seeing fellow diners "order the most expensive items on the menu, just to be sure they're getting their money's worth out of the evening" mystifies me. Aren't the extravagant diners paying for their own dinners? Yoikes - call me small town, but in the 10-person group with whom my husband and I dine periodically, each couple pays for itself, regardless of who invited the gang out. We offer a "perk" to the person who calls in the reservation - we buy him or her one drink. It's a silly little thing but it's a good motivator and it costs us each only as much as $1.

Back in husband's corporate days, we ate out on the company nickel frequently, whether for entertaining out-of-town clients or recruiting potential hires. We always ordered from the middle of the menu and noticed that our guests almost always did the same.

[Robert Schonfeld]

Robert's experience of seeing fellow diners "order the most expensive items on the menu, just to be sure they're getting their money's worth out of the evening" mystifies me. Aren't the extravagant diners paying for their own dinners?

As I said, or tried to say, it mystified me too until it was pointed out. It's almost never separate checks. It's almost always split down the middle. We still don't see it often, and it still doesn't really bother me when it does occur, but I must say, it's an odd phenomenon for me.

With really good friends, and with people we go out with regularly, credit cards are toosed on top of the bill and that's that. It all comes out in the wash; and if the tide washes a few dollars one way or the other, no big deal.

[jaybee]

Jaybee, as you have been close friends with this couple for several years, you are undoubtedly quite fond of them for more than just making dinner plans. You are right that it is unfortunate and awkward that they do not see the discrepancy in their dining habits, but they undoubtedly offer you something other than that, like companionship and shared interests and surely a good laugh or two along the way.

CkBklady, you are quite right here.  If it were otherwise they wouldn't have lasted for more than one or two rounds. We had another couple who spent long winter  and summer weekends and many dinners with us for one or two years, and the one time a return invitation came, it was accompanied by a pitch for money to back a production they were putting on. That was the end for us. Now we say hello when we see them on the street.  It feels good to get this off my chest and read how others feel about a similar situation. In the case of these folks, I wouldn't want to end our friendship over this, and as I said, in recent times they always bring a significant item for our mutual enjoyment.  I'm just so conditioned to reciprocate at least once that it's hard to understand (and not take umbrage) at a mind set that doesn't think to.  But that's what makes people so interesting--and sometimes so irritating.

[Charlene Leonard]

I'm still surprised, though, about the tit-for-tat thing when ordering in restaurants.

alas, I fear this is something us generous food lovers will have to put up with.  I started another thread on the similar lines about splitting the bill and have come to the conclusion that some people see food as merely fuel (I know, I know hard to believe but true) and therefore resent paying anything above the exactly what they have had.  They don’t see the whole picture about eating and whilst these people might enjoy coming round to your house for dinner because they are not greatly interested in food -  by this I mean everything from deciding on the menu, shopping for the ingredients, prepping the ingredients, cooking and then eating -   it wouldn't even cross their minds to reciprocate the offer.    

When I go out for dinner I am there for the sheer joy and pleasure of eating and being there with my friends.  I will order whatever I think sounds delicious and drink whatever I fancy at the time, be it the cheapest or most expensive thing on the menu.  When it comes to paying the bill.  I just throw my card in and expect it to be divided evenly because the cost is the least important thing on my mind (don't get me wrong I'm not Miss Moneybags but just see eating out as an essential expense, like a mortgage).  Some people don’t get this and are sat there thinking “I only had a main course, I’m only going to give £15…” or “She ordered the £18 main course, I’d better get a side order in aswell…”

[B Edulis]

If you've decided that the imbalance in entertaining is not severe enough for you to end the friendship, yet you're still bugged by it, I've learned a strategy that works for me. You pretend that the person(s) has a brain tumor that causing them to behave strangely. When they act cheap, just tell yourself, "oh, it's that brain tumor acting up again!"

This works for nasty bosses and bitchy relatives as well. Takes the stuffing right out of that bitter feeling.

[stellabella]

jaybee, i do TRY to be blind, deaf etc., but, trust me, this is always a struggle and sometimes i get mad at my friends anyway

one of our dearest friends had a very bad reputation among "the group" [5-6 couples who have been entertaining each other for years, always with delicious from-scratch foods, each couple contributing some special dish to every gathering].  said friend quickly became a pariah when, after the 3rd or 4th time volunteering to contribute a dessert, she showed up with a sara lee frozen pie picked up at the grocery store on the way to the party.  this might have been excused once, but her behavior was consistent.  other members of the group became catty.

a few years ago it occurred to me that the members of this group are all extraordinary cooks whose skill and passion are probably a little intimidating--i realized this because i too have been intimidated [i entered the group eight years ago as the second wife of one of the founders].  i think the nonreciprocator is intimidated and insecure, and instead of trying to get better she decided early on to opt out.  she demonstrates a form of "learned helplessness."

nonetheless, she and her husband are very close to me and my husband, and i have learned to do two things with her: compliment her generously when she does make an attempt to cook, and ask her specifically to bring a certain dish i know she can make well and easily, like a tossed salad.

in recent years she's doing a bit better, but she's still no match for some of the others.  but i for one can appreciate even a small effort, and i do agree with the other responses here that for some this isn't even about rudeness--it's about a totally different consciousness.

[Jinmyo]

You pretend that the person(s) has a brain tumor that causing them to behave strangely. When they act cheap, just tell yourself, "oh, it's that brain tumor acting up again!"

Weevils. Brain weevils.

[jaybee]

i have learned to do two things with her: compliment her generously when she does make an attempt to cook, and ask her specifically to bring a certain dish i know she can make well and easily, like a tossed salad.

Stellabella, you have a generousity of spirit that is an inspiration.  Thanks.

[ckbklady]

Ohhh, I see - yes, Robert, I understand now - what a shame that your fellow diners appear to be ordering top-dollar items in anticipation of a split-down-the-middle bill. Eeek. Of course you are right that it is not a huge problem but it is a fascinating observation. Thank you for the clarification.

I do not think that I have experienced this  - over the years, I guess we have always dined with "Dutchmen". Typical of my experience is the example of my aformentioned group of 5 couples. We always spend a good ten minutes with the bill calculating each couple's actual total. I like this as I drink little, my husband drinks not at all and we never bother with apps (Hubby Vlad makes up for it by ordering prime rib whenever he sees it.). That we have a tax accountant with a surgically attached calculator in the gang is to our advantage - that he plays hockey and suffers frequent concussions may not be, however.

Another advantage to actual bill-splitting is that there is no group decision about the tip. We tend to be lavish tippers as we both were servers in past lives and know that rewards are hard-won regardless of the state of the economy. I never cease to be grateful that I just get to sit there while someone brings me bread, water, wine, dinner, dessert, more water etc. in a million little trips. Thank you, all you dear servers out there.

Of course, going as Dutch as we do also relieves all of us of the rotating responsibility of entertaining at home (and of that devilish problem of reciprocating! :). Of the 5 couples, we are the only ones with adequate seating and kitchen facilities for us all. I would not ask the remaining gang of 4 to have us over were we to have them. (Say....here's a question - if I entertain four couples in one night, would I therefore be 'entitled' to 4 invitations back? Who does the math on all of this? Not my hockey-playing chum, clearly.....)

[Steve Plotnicki]

What an interesting thread. And what a bunch of nitpickers you guys are !

I think this topic falls into three categories.

1. People who are cheap.

2. People who do not know how to reciprocate

3. People who do not know, or are uncomfortable entertaining in their homes, or being hosts in a restaurant

I think things like Adam's Anglican friend expecting to be paid for falls into door number 1. I mean at least she coiuld make a speech about making it up to you someday, or even saying a few special prayers so you'll get nice seats in heaven. Cheap is cheap, whether it be in money, gifts or words. When I was young and I didn't have any money I used to have many friends who were sticklers for splitting up the bill exactly, including assessing the tax (assess is the right word no?) And this was a  couple who were almost living together. And even when they started making enough money to discard that habit, they still did it. It drove me crazy because I wasn't really looking for an assessment as to how much Pelligino I drank versus anyone else. Dinner is a social occassion that everyone shares the burden of and if you happen to order the $16 chicken entree instead of the $21 Pork Roast, that's just the luck of the draw. The roles could be reversed the next time. And it isn't that I don't understand that people are on tight budgets. But at some point pettiness outweighs being prudent. Penny wise and pound foolish I guess is the phrase.

My wife and I are very familiar with door number 2. Some people just do not know how to reciprocate at all, or adequately. There is a couple who we let have our very nice weekend home for a week every summer and the gift they leave might be a set of coffee mugs that cost $60. And while one can never have enough mugs, the gift is disproportionate to what they are getting. Not that I care about the gift. But I am certain that nobody evaluates how much it would cost them to rent a house like it for a week, or even how much they save if they were going to vacation in a place like Cape Cod etc. for the week. If it was me, I would take what I got into consideration and buy them a gift, or take them to dinner, etc. in a way that expresses more than here is the requisite gift I have to buy you for this favor.

As for people not inviting you into their homes, I have found that most people do not know how to entertain. And if you and your wife are good at it, they are even more uneasy about having you in their home. My wife and I entertain people in our homes all of the time. We cook extravagant meals for people and serve good bottles of wine. Yet aside from one couple, people don't reciprocate. When people have tried to reciprocate, I have been amazed many times as to how little they know about food or serving a good meal. As you can all imagine, if you come to our house for dinner we put on a production, going out of our way to buy top ingredients. But the types of dinners people reciprocate with are often lame at best. Like you go to someone's house in the Hamptons to find out that they have marinated the swordfish steak with bottled salad dressing. Or they bought rubbery Florida corn at the A & P when there is a stand down the street from their home that has hundreds of ears of freshly picked corn for sale. Sometimes it is so bad it is shocking.

As for me, I'm happy if whomever I am entertaining offers a proportionate response. We have a number of friends that we know from the days before I was a success in business, who can't afford to reciprocate in a manner they would like to if they could. And if they show up at my house with a cheap but interesting bottle of wine, or a tub of some artisinal hot cocoa mix that they picked up while touring the universe, or a box of knishes from Mrs. Stahls in Brighton Beach they picked up on the way out to our house, we really appreciate it. Offerings of reciprocity are as valuable as the thought that goes into them. And a $20 box of knishes that my guests know I will enjoy, and that we can eat all weekend together as friends is worth 10 times more than those nondescript coffee mugs that cost $60.


But nowhere does thus issue come to the surface more than over wine. Since I have a wine collection of a certain magnitude, if you are having dinner with me and it is at a BYO place, I will most likely show up with a few hundred dollars of wine. Sometimes you are dining with people who are wine collectors as well, and they can bring something of interest to contribute to the dinner. But most people do not have a clue about wine, or are happy drinking plonk. Nobody has ever asked me how much the wine I brought cost. Not a single person. And I say this not because I care, but to show that people are clueless. I am quite happy providing the wine at a dinner so I have people to open and share the bottles with. Expensive wine by yourself is a lonely habit. And sharing great wine with others is one of the great joys of life.

There is one couple we dine with about 3-4 times a year. The husband really likes 1990 Dominus and I would bring it with me for dinner, along with an older white Burgundy. Then one day his wife called me because she was planning a birthday party for him and she asked me how much it would cost to get that wine for the 30 people at the party. When I told her the per bottle price, she couldn't believe it. Well she decided it was too much to spend for the party, but since that day, when we have dinner with them and I bring wine, they pick up the check. Now they can easily afford it but that's not the point. Not everybody would be a mensch about it in the same way.

I think that keeping friends is a hard thing. There are so many issues to deal with to keep up a friendship. And when friends grow apart, it happens slowly. And it happens in a way that lags behind the friendship. There are usually small resentments about whatever, that don't get properly aired out (like Jaybee and his non-reciprocating friends) and they grow like mold on cheese until one day, poof. That's why with all of these things, cheap friends, ungrateful friends, awkward friends have to be worked out or forgiven. Or else, poof.


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